Emma, get me a lemon

A contradictory statement if I ever saw one:



Also, this lemonade may or may not contain strawberry.

Hey monkey, when you open up your blue eyes I don't know if I'm wide awake or dreaming

During one of the Superbowl commercials:

Me: That's gross. I'd never kiss a monkey.

Flieswithoutwings: Never?

Me: Wait. I take that back. If they paid me the amount of money they paid that guy to be in their commercial, I'd totally kiss a monkey.

Flieswithoutwings: I think you'd probably kiss a monkey for a couple hundred dollars.

Ain't enough bullets in this here gun

I hereby declare that all companies need to run any ideas for what to put on the packaging of their product by me before they go through with it. For a modest sum, I'll be sure to alert them of anything that could be taken a different way than the "cool" way they're shooting for.

Case in point: Take a look at these pictures I took while I was shopping yesterday.





Seriously Remington, you shouldn't make it this easy.

In the third quarter of a tied game rivalry

Since I did nothing today other than shop and watch the Super Bowl, I've really got nothing to say. However, I'm not going to let that stop me. I thought I'd do a running diary of Super Bowl XLII. Read on if you wish, but I can't say I blame you if you decide not to. On with the diary:

3:20 Jordan Sparks sings the national anthem. American Idol still sucks, but I have to admit, the girl's got a good set of pipes. Her voice ain't bad either.

3:25 The team captains take the field for the coin toss. It looks like a street fight could break out. Either that, or a new rendition of Michael Jackson's Bad.

3:27 The New York Giants win the coin toss and will receive.

3:28 I've already seen more ads for House than I care to. It could be a long night.

3:31 Bill Belichick is wearing a red sweatshirt instead of his normal gray one with the sleeves cut off. He must have wanted to dress up for the Super Bowl. It's very becoming.

3:41 The Giants are marching down the field, but all I can think about is what those green dots on the back of the players' helmets are for. I've wondered this all season, but have been too lazy to actually look it up.

3:45 The Giants are the first ones on the board with a field goal. NY 3, NE 0

3:53 There's a myspace page with all the Super Bowl commercials on it. I think we just reached an all new low as a society.

3:56 One of the announcers (I can never tell if it's Jason Buck or Troy Aikman that's talking unless the camera's right on them) talks about Tom Brady's ankle and says that even though he's not experiencing pain, when he goes to plant it, it "might affect the deep throw." My friend calls out from the kitchen, "It might affect the deep throat?" See? It's not just me that's a perv.

3:59 I just noticed that the Patriots form their huddle at a 90 degree angle to the way we formed ours in high school. It never crossed my mind before that different teams might huddle up differently. I'll have to look and see how other NFL teams do this.

4:01 Just because you're able to do things using CGI doesn't mean you should. I'm talking to you, creators of the fox robot.

4:03 Lawrence Maroney just scored a touchdown to put the Patriots in the lead. He's good. NE 7, NY 3

4:07 The first commercial to make me laugh deals with giant carrier pigeons that are wreaking havoc on the streets. Maybe I'll have to visit that myspace page after all.

4:10 Eli Manning completes one of the luckiest passes I've seen in a while: 38 yards to Amani Toomer (It's not a tumor).

4:14 As if to balance out the luck, Eli Manning just threw his first interception of the post season. It couldn't have come at a more inopportune time as the Giants were threatening to score. This could be a huge momentum shift.

4:17 My friend just tells me a story about the time she met a midget dominatrix. Then she tells me it didn't really happen. I've never been so disappointed.

4:19 The second noteworthy commercial airs, and I just have to say, a family of ferocious sleeping badgers is a great premise for a commercial.

4:34 I have to say, the Giants are controlling the ball much better than I (or anybody else) thought they would.

4:40 A new T-Mobile commercial with Dwyane Wade and Charles Barkley. Chuck cracks me up.

4:55 The first half ends with a hail Mary pass that falls incomplete. This game has been exciting so far.

4:57 Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers are performing the half time show. Since there's no chance of a nipple slip (or if there is, I don't really need to see it) I suppose I'll into the kitchen to eat some chicken that's so good it "has trouble making it onto the plate" according to my friend.

5:05 Wow that chicken was good. She wasn't lying. The gravy was good too. My friend said we had the "perfect storm of gravy" and all I could think of was a giant brown wave getting ready to crash over a fishing boat. Now that's something we should get the CGI guys working on.

5:09 I'm amazed at how young Tom Petty still looks.

5:19 I must be getting fat because I just realized that my balls get pinched in my pants more often than they used to.

5:19 Is there any more gravy?

5:52 A trailer for the movie Jumper starring Darth Vader comes on. I state that the movie looks like it sucks. My friend states that teleportation is the one super power she'd want over all others. That's just because she's inherently lazy.

5:56 Yes, there's still a game on. Tom Brady just narrowly avoided being sacked for a safety. I'm impressed with the Giants' defense.

5:59 Wes Welker comes up with a huge catch. I can't help but wonder how well the Eagles would do if they would ever get some half decent receivers.

6:01 Tom Brady is starting to look a little shaken up. That's not something I'm used to seeing.

6:02 End of the third quarter. If you'd have offered a bet that the score would be that low after three, I'd have taken it and laughed at you. I may have even kicked you in the balls for good measure. Good thing you didn't offer me that bet.

6:11 I just remembered to look at the Giants' huddle. What do you know? It's the same as the way we did ours in high school. I guess different teams do huddle up differently.

6:11 Touchdown Giants. NY 10, NE 7

6:22 An e-trade commercial with a talking baby makes me laugh. The baby is talking about how he made eight times the average trader and says "thought about what to do with all the extra coin. I rented a clown. But, you know, I really underestimated the creepiness."

That reminds me of a joke I once heard: There was a clown who went to a kid's birthday party, and while he was going around entertaining all the kids, he felt a tug on his sleeve. He looked down and there was a little boy who asked him to do a magic trick. He says, "Look kid, I'm a clown. I don't do magic. Here, have a balloon animal instead." He then goes on about his business. A short while later he feels another tug on his sleeve. He looks down, and it's the same kid, asking him to do a magic trick. "Look kid, I already told you once, I'm a clown, I don't do magic. Now beat it." The kid goes away, but not for long. The clown feels another tug on his sleeve, and the kid asks him again to do a magic trick. Frustrated, the clown says, "Ok fine. You want to see a magic trick? Go around to the other side of the house and I'll come show you a magic trick." The kid gets all excited and goes. Once they're around back the clown says, "Alright, now turn around and pull down your pants." The kid obeys. The clown says, "There, do you feel my thumb up your ass?" The kid nods. The clown sticks both hands out with his thumbs in the air and yells, "TA DA."

Think about it.

6:33 New England's offense is finally starting to click.

6:39 Tom Brady to Randy Moss. Touchdown. (see, I told you it was starting to click) NE 14, NY 10

6:45 I want to meet the girl from the Victoria's Secret commercial. (And by "meet" I mean "make out with.")

6:52 Excellent play by the Giants. Great catch by David Tyree. New York has the ball at New England's 24 with 59 seconds left. This game is close!

6:56 Eli Manning lobs it to Plaxico Burress for a touchdown. New York regains the lead. NY 17, NE 14

I suppose now would be an appropriate time for me to thank Plaxico for carrying my fantasy football team for so long, even though he couldn't practice and played injured all year long. Who knows? I probably would have won the whole thing if he'd been healthy. (Ok, that's probably taking it a bit too far, but whatever.)

7:04 The crowd storms the field with 0:01 left on the clock. The officials have to clear off the field so that the Giants can take a knee and run out the clock. New York wins. Un-freaking-believable. So much for New England's perfect season. Wow! Just, wow! I never thought I'd see the day that Eli Manning won a Super Bowl, let alone be named MVP.

7:12 I always feel bad for the players on the losing team. I don't know why I care. They wouldn't feel bad for me. Oh well. I suppose the Patriots had a good run with a historical season and all that, but wow. I guess we don't have to worry anymore about whether their perfect season would be tainted by "Spygate" anymore.

This was a close game. I'm glad I'm not a Pats fan. This one's going to be hard for them to recover from.

As a whole, the commercials were disappointing this year. Is it really so much to ask for more than just a few commercials that are funny? Or for more than a few with gorgeous women? Seriously people. I'm trying to be entertained here.

Girl, won't you take out the trash

The other day I was driving and I saw a garbage truck with the following on the side: Alcohol can trash your kid's brain.


Now, I didn't bother to look at who paid for the ad. I was too busy trying to write while I talked on my cell phone and steered with my knee to be bothered with that, but it was probably someone like MADD. It's really not that important who paid for it. What is important is that they're really onto something here. It's crazy to think about how long garbage trucks have just been garbage trucks. Think of what a waste (pun intended) it's been to have these trucks driving around collecting garbage all day, when all this time they could also have been used to make us buy stuff, or at least to inform us of someone's agenda. After all, if there's one thing we don't get enough of in this country, it's advertisments being shoved in our faces.

Obviously, the key to advertising in this manner is to come up with some kind of witty play on words that matches the vehicle of choice. Ads for viagra could be placed on concrete mixers as long as they said something about being rock hard. Although, it might be difficult to get private companies to go along with something that they might perceive as something that portrays them in a negative light. However, we could definitely put the ads on vehicles that the public already pays for. I'm thinking that fire engines have been grossly underused in that regard. I propose that from this point forward, all firetrucks should tell parents to teach their children about safe sex because STDs can really burn.

I can see you in the window of your favorite corner bar, but to reach you is just too far

Occasionally a person comes across an idea that is not their own, but is just too good to not try and pass it off as their own. Now is one of those times. I'm the one doing the swiping. Mostly* because this new item is going to be a big hit with frat boys everywhere, and thus has the potential to make me rich.

People, now is the time for you to open up your wallets so that you can purchase your very own pair of Poonoculars^TM! What exactly are Poonoculars^TM you ask? Poonoculars^TM are a very special brand of binoculars** which are used for the sole purpose of checking out women. Get yours today!

Once you've made your purchase, your life as a lecherous human being will be improved a hundredfold. You'll be able to take your Poonoculars^TM to the beach. Take them to the pool. Or to the high rise next to your neighborhood modeling agency. Hell, you can even take your Poonoculars^TM with you to work (this works especially well if you work on, or near, a college campus, or next door to a hospital full of naughty nurses). Just make sure that you don't leave your Poonoculars^TM out after hours or the custodians might be tempted to swipe them.***





* Also because the friend who brought me AIDS back from Mexico doesn't have a blog, so there's no other way to pass his hilarious term on to you.

** The idea's obviously been around for a while. I have a friend who used to have a third floor apartment right above his complex's swimming pool, so he kept a pair on the living room window sill. But the terminology wasn't right for mass marketing. Until now.

*** Because after all, custodians like to ogle women too.

Did I ask too much? More than a lot.

I'm introducing a new rule: From this point forward, people can only advertise any change from normal for six months, after which they will have to draw upon something else to gain business. I'm saying this because yesterday I bought a 3 Musketeers bar, and one end of the label advertised "45% less fat" in big red lettering. Now, I'm pretty sure they've been advertising that they have 45% less fat for about ten years now. Am I to believe that each time I see a 3 Musketeers bar there is 45% less fat in that one than the last one I saw? Has the amount of fat in a 3 Musketeers bar been steadily decreasing* for the past decade? No! It's time for them to come up with something new. If they can't do that, then maybe their product isn't all that great and they should take it off the market.

This rule applies to all the bars/restaurants in the Las Vegas area as well. You see, around here you'll see banners that read "Voted Best of Las Vegas" almost everywhere you go. Any businesses that have received the "award" place a banner somewhere to advertise that fact. However, there is never any mention of the year in which the "award" was given. Moreover, if you pay attention, almost every single bar and restaurant has such a banner. How is that possible? Is every business in town the best? I'm certain that some of them could only have received the award a decade or so ago**, like maybe when they were brand new, or when there were no competitors. At all. Yet here they still are, trying to capitalize on their one brief moment of glory. I'm sorry, but if you haven't been able to regain the title of "Best in Las Vegas" for the past ten years, you no longer get to advertise that you were voted "Best in Las Vegas." Period.

This new rule is effective immediately. Those who are found in non-compliance will be forced to pay a fine of $1000, which can be deposited directly into my bank account. Thank you in advance.




* like some kind of fatty half-life?
** or maybe even before there was a city here.