Shock the monkey

Contender for worst children's book ever:



Even worse is that it was in a college book store.

Tell me it's not just me that thinks so, but at least it wasn't 'Choke the Chicken.'

The sporting life

Reason # 3,128 why I love NBA quotes comes from ESPN's recap of last night's Jazz vs. Rockets game:

"We were touching a lot of balls, we were deflecting a lot of passes," said Scola, who had five rebounds, two steals and a block. "We pretty much controlled the whole game."

There you have it - All it takes to win in the NBA is to touch a lot of balls.

There's so much to live up to and I wish that somehow I could give it all to you

A girl I know called yesterday to see if my friend and I would come visit her at work if she bought us a round of drinks or an appetizer. We'd been promising to stop by since she started working there, so we figured last night was as good a time as any.

[Click to enlarge]


I'm sure these were a lot better than the one that girl from Colorado got a few years back.

And I hops in my ride to make a quick run

Funny, I thought it was spelled differently.

And I can't relax with my knees on the ground and a stick in my back, Sister Jack

I'm not Catholic, so I don't completely understand the idea of Patron Saints. I do, however, realize there are a lot of them, I just didn't realize that there was one for just about anything. I was shopping for Jesus pencil toppers* last week at a souvenir shop on the Strip and found a bunch in the section with all the religious paraphernalia. These two were my favorites:







*One of the reactions I perform on a regular basis in the laboratory involves making multiple copies of a segment of DNA. Anyone who performs these reactions on a regular basis will tell you it's pretty much voodoo. Hence, I have little statues that I put atop the machine when I'm running mine for use as good luck charms. Who better to have as a good luck charm than Jesus Christ? I mean, my friend has a golden statue of Buddha that seems to work quite well, but I needed something for my problematic DNA samples, and I can't use someone else's good luck charm. Doing so would be more likely to bring a curse upon my research than it would be to cause the reactions to work.

Ain't enough bullets in this here gun

I hereby declare that all companies need to run any ideas for what to put on the packaging of their product by me before they go through with it. For a modest sum, I'll be sure to alert them of anything that could be taken a different way than the "cool" way they're shooting for.

Case in point: Take a look at these pictures I took while I was shopping yesterday.





Seriously Remington, you shouldn't make it this easy.

But you cannot stop the television

Now that the Super Bowl is over, I have to admit I'm a little sad. Regular TV doesn't have live announcers stating things like the following:

"He has the speed and agility to get to the backside hole"
"There's so much front side penetration that he has to go deeper on the backside"
"He just took a load from the sideline coach"
"When he gets the balls in his hands"

On the bright side, at least there's still the NBA:

"He's got dribble penetration"
"There he goes with the back door pass"
"He goes back door and takes it to the hole"
"All these guys getting facials are going to end up posterized."

Happy hours, golden showers, on a cruise to freak you out

I'm house-sitting for a couple that I'm friends with this week while they're playing in the snow at Lake Tahoe. I'm jealous. They told me I should come up for a few days, and I'd like to, but I can't travel that far anyway. Before they left they had me come over so they could show me where everything was, how to change the cats' litter box, etc. As they were showing me around, we had the following conversation:

Her: [One of Three Cats] likes to go with you when you go to the bathroom. He likes to watch. But he doesn't like golden showers, so don't even think about it.

Me: Gross. I wouldn't. Even if it was a really hot girl who wanted me to, I wouldn't do that.

Her: Not even for a million dollars?

Me: Oh, for a million dollars I would. I'd do anything for a million dollars.

Her: What if it was for a jellyfish sting?

Me: Then I probably would, but that's different.

Him: What does that mean?

Me: What? A jellyfish sting?

Him: Yeah. I don't know what that means.

Me: We're talking about an actual jellyfish sting. It's not a euphemism for anything.

I'm guessing that means I throw out euphemisms a little too often since he automatically assumes that's what I'm talking about. However, with the jellyfish sting, I'm thinking it could work as one. Just give me a little time to think about it.

The clock's running down, the team's losing ground to the opposing defense

I don't talk about sports a whole lot on here, but I am a pretty big football fan. I play fantasy football every year and have a lot of fun with it (even though my fantasy team didn't make the playoffs this year). Fantasy implications aside, I enjoy watching NFL games for the competition and entertainment value.

Particularly when the announcers say* things like this:

"He stays right there in the pocket"
"He splits the seam"
"He pounds it up the middle"
"We expect to see more deep balls"
"He feels like he's open on every play"
"He completed six passes to him"
"It's a comfortable feeling to have your linemen in front"
"They get beat deep so much"
"At the end of it, he takes a pretty good lick"
"He starts the play split out wide"
"The problem is the distribution of the balls"
"He usually is the guy who's delivering the good blow"




* These are all quotes from yesterday's games.

So you say I've got a dirty mind, I'm a mean go getter

A list of seemingly innocent things you could Google, but might not get the results you were expecting:

- Easy-Off^TM
- Tang
- Trimmed hedges
- Lords
- Fruit
- Manholes (or manhole covers)
- Dangling participle

(And yes, I really am lazy enough to count this as a post)

Help yourself don't say a thing at all

Friend 1: I met these girls at the bus stop, and unlike girls here, they actually talked to people. In fact, I couldn't believe how nice everyone was there.

Friend 2: That's so not Vegas for you.

Friend 1: I always thought that people in Texas weren't very nice.

Me: No, they're generally nice, unless you're trespassing on their oil field. Then they just shoot you in the face.

Friend 2: With a shotgun.

Friend 1: I like getting shot in the face.

Friend 2 and Me (simultaneously): You do? Bwahahahahahaha.

Me: You know, we might be able to help you out with that.

Accidentally in love

There are two things I don't understand about this ad. First, why is Donkey smiling? I didn't think he was gay. Also, I don't recall there being anything in the first two movies about him being a junkie, so his involvement here puzzles me.

Second, why is Shrek smiling? You'd think that Donkey's hooves pulling on your genitalia would hurt, not feel good. It only makes sense if Shrek's a masochist.