And your ears just wanna ring, and your eyes just wanna close, nothin' changin' I suppose

The other day one of my old TAs forwarded me this email from a former student of hers:


Hey [TA],

My name is [Student]. I was in your [lab] last summer. I don't know if you remember me or not, but I was there. I sent you some Brian Regan clips a while back. Anyway, hey, I was wondering if you can help me out. I am trying to get a hold of the professor. I am almost sure his last name was [Minnow], but I can't remember his first name. Also, I think he left the school for another one. My point is, I am trying to get into Dental school and I need some professors to write letters of recommendation for me and I was going to see if he would be interested. Can you help me out at all? If not, thanks anyway.

[Student]


Um, yeah, Dude Who Can't Even Remember My Name*, let me get right on that for you.









*He emailed me today and tried to make it sound like we were tight during the semester**.

**I politely told him I don't remember him and he'd be better off having someone else write on his behalf.

Now in the future, cloners won't make much money

This week I emailed an old friend the link to this article about a Japanese researcher's plan to clone a mammoth. They plan on using an elephant as a surrogate mother for an egg implanted with a nucleus from a mammoth cell taken from a specimen that was preserved in ice.

I wrote:

Remember when you used to say that some day they'd clone them successfully, and then they'd become pests and start knocking over your garbage cans in the middle of the night and you'd just shake your head and say, "Damn mammoths. Why'd they have to bring THOSE back?"

Well, looks like we're on our way.

He responded:

I only remember that because you brought it up and I thought, "yeah, that sounds like something dumb enough to come from my lips."

If you go to Eastern Europe though, you'll see some of the women and know that these Japanese researchers are wasting their time...Mammoths are alive and well.

Foals in winter coats, white girls of the north

A couple of weeks ago, my Navajo friend emailed me to see what I'd been up to.

I sent a short response, and asked if he was doing anything fun for the weekend. He said he was going to Phoenix.

I asked if it was for work or for play.

He wrote back: "I’m going down for NASCAR. I’m gonna check me out some white women*!!!"

My response**: "You're the brownest redneck I know."








*He and I were close friends in high school, but lost contact for a number of years. A few years ago a friend of ours got married in Salt Lake City, and he and I both flew in for that. He walked up to me, looked around, and the first words out of his mouth were, "Where the white women at?" Keep in mind this is the first time we'd seen each other since high school. It's become a running joke, and now every time he calls it's the first thing he says.

**I should've added that he really doesn't want any part of a woman he'll find at a NASCAR race.

And the heart beats in its cage

Friend: You still at the office?

Me: Yeah. I probably will be until around 7 tonight. Unless I decide to go to the gym. I probably should do the latter. Work off this flab that seems to want to accumulate on various parts of my body.

Friend: The old man is starting to catch up huh?

Me: Catch up? I think he's taken over. Completely.

Friend: Welcome to the old man club my brotha!!!

Me: I don't want to be in the old man club. That means I'll have to start hanging out in locker rooms and talking to people while I'm naked*. Isn't that what all old men do?







*This idea fresh in my mind after reading 2 Dollar Productions the other day.

Even though you know what you know I know that I'm ready to leave

From: [Fall '08 Student]
To: [Native Minnow]
Subject: I passed

Hey [Minnow] just wanted to let you know that you will not be seeing me in
[class] again next semester because I passed. Be it only with a C but I
passed. Guess I didn't need to buy you dinner after all. :)

[Fall '08 Student]

--------------------------------------------------------------

From: [Native Minnow]
To: [Fall '08 Student]
Subject: Re: I passed

I knew you'd pull it off. Congrats!

[Minnow]

--------------------------------------------------------------

From: [Fall '08 Student]
To: [Native Minnow]
Subject: Re: I passed

Thanks [Minnow]....... and you really were the best TA I have had in my 3 years [here] and the cutest :) even though I loved to give you a hard time during class. :)

[Fall '08 Student]








Yup. I've still got it.

Are you dead or are you sleeping? God I sure hope you are dead.

I recently found out that one of the couples I know is going to be moving to Chicago this summer. I haven't talked to the guy for a long time, so I emailed him to suggest we hang out before they leave.

Me: We should do something once you guys are both done with finals. Definitely before you move. What else have you been up to lately?

Him: We should definitely have a game night once finals are over. Other than that, I've been playing Grand Theft Auto a lot, so I've been killing a lot more hookers than usual.


I'm not sure how many hookers he usually kills, but I'm going to tell him to make sure not to store all the bodies in the same place. One dead hooker in the closet is fine, but any more than that, and the stink is going to upset his girlfriend.

Snortin' blue collared gak from a black hooker's ass, the mirror ball's startin' to rock

A friend of mine stated that he was "hoovering some Bolivian marching powder" the other day, prompting the following email exchange about the economy.


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: [Native Minnow]
Date: Jan 29, 2008 12:57 AM


What exactly is Bolivian marching powder?

And what does hoovering mean?

I'm dumb

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: [Rural Murder]
Date: Jan 29, 2008 8:08 AM


hoovering = sucking up like a Hoover vacuum = snorting
Bolivian Marching Powder = C-C-C-C-C-Cocaine

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: [Native Minnow]
Date: Jan 29, 2008 11:00 AM


Well, that's what I thought, but I wasn't exactly sure. Put down the mirror, the razor blade and the rolled up $100 bill. That's only going to result in a dead hooker. And no-one wants that. Especially the hooker.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: [Rural Murder]
Date: Jan 29, 2008 2:47 PM


I was actually snorting it out of the ass crack of a dead hooker. And you can't use US currency anymore, only euros.

Cocaine and sushi on the lower east side

In case you're wondering what graduate students do all day, here's a small taste of what goes on in academia.

Our department has an email listserv that sends emails out to everyone simultaneously when someone posts to it. Usually these emails consist of boring stuff, like announcements for the next snoozefest seminar, but it was put to good use yesterday. Two nights ago a storm passed through, so yesterday the air was very crisp and clear (unusual for this city). One of the professors went to the top of the parking garage and photographed the surrounding view. He sent them out for anyone who wanted to use them(I doubt he meant for my blog, but whatever). Here are some of the pictures he took:





His initial email started a flurry of other emails, talking about whether or not we could use these pictures for the department's web page. Without going into all the details of those, the result was two brilliantly photoshopped pictures put together by two different graduate students (at the suggestion of another professor). Here are those pictures:




As far as I'm concerned, you can never have too many pictures of oversized, fire-breathing rodents attacking Las Vegas casinos.

They don't knock upon your door, they don't ring the bell

Yesterday I received a few emails from my sister. Each one contained a picture of the first place my ex-wife and I lived when we got married. (My sister figured that I might like to see them since I'd blogged about it a couple weeks ago.)

She also sent me a follow up email to make sure I got them:

Her: I sent you some pictures of your first 'home' when I went to Cedar Springs Marina. They are cell phone pictures, so check your spam or whatever so you can get them . . . It was pretty up there, but cold.

Me: Yeah, I got those. I'll probably post them on my blog in another few days if you don't mind. Unless you think that makes for an incredibly boring post. Maybe I should anyway. Then I wouldn't get people like [names withheld] all telling me that my blog is too dirty.

Her: Then the NEXT day you could post a picture of a penis.
Just to even stuff out.

So, there you have it. Here's a picture of the trailer my ex and I lived in (it's the one on the left - the next closest house [other than the marina owner's summer residence on the right] was about five miles away):



And here are a couple pictures of the view:





I used to have to drive* up and down the long driveway after a snow storm in order to smash down the snow so it my ex-wife could make it up the hill in our car. We had to do that because it was a private road and the snow plow didn't come that far off the main highway. Luckily, my dad let us borrow his truck (with 4WD and chains) for the worst storms. Occasionally we'd see mountain lion tracks on our front porch the morning after a snow storm. That's a pretty good indication that you live in a remote place. Sometimes I miss that.




*The driving could get pretty boring, so sometimes I'd intentionally start fishtailing my car on the way up. That used to be so much fun.

My little pony, my little pony, isn't the world a lovely place?

I want to share an email I got regarding my post about the dream I had the other night.

"i ate some my little pony fruit snacks yesterday...now i want to see whores. just thought you should know."

It's good to see the influence I have on the lives of others. It makes me feel as if I'm the rootin'-est tootin'-est* blogger west of the Pecos.




*I had the idea to work this into a post quite some time ago, but never did because Eric D. Snider** used it in something he wrote before I could (Damn I hate being scooped). I didn't want to plagiarize him, but then I decided screw it, I had the idea first*** and I'm using it, I'll just give him credit, especially for the spelling, so there you go.


**I would have linked to the exact place where he used it, but I couldn't remember if it was on his blog or in one of his Snide Remarks columns, plus I'm lazy and couldn't find it in the 30 seconds I just spent on his site. Feel free to look for it yourselves.


***I really have no proof that I had the idea first. After all, he could have thought of it years ago and just never used it until recently. I guess we'll never know.