Box full of letters - 7

Dear Smart Car Drivers,

I admire what you're doing for the planet by driving cars that get a godzillion miles to the gallon. That said, I'd like to offer you a word of advice: You should refrain from getting a vanity plate* that makes it seem as though you're trying to look tough.



You're driving a smart car. You're not tough. It's okay that you're not tough, but you're not. Your vanity plate should read something like TRE HGR or something instead.

Much love,

Native Minnow







*If, however, this plate isn't about looking tough, but is referring to your favorite activity**, then please disregard this.

**But that's pretty gay if that's the case.

Box full of letters - 6

To the 50 year old neighbor lady who always walks her dog in a neon green bikini:

Please stop doing that. You don't have the body for it anymore. That's if you ever did. Nobody needs to see that shit.

Sincerely,
Native Minnow

Box full of letters - 5

To the woman who just hit on me while I was filling my car with gas:

Why couldn't you have been attractive? Why???

Sincerely,
Native Minnow

I promise not to mind if you go your way and I go mine

I was going to scan the letter I got and post it today so that you all could read it. Unfortunately, it didn't turn out that well so I'll just transcribe it for you instead. I'm particularly fond of the punctuation (or lack thereof).

[Native Minnow],

Hi

Im sure your wondering who I am and why Im writing you.

Im a friend of [oldest brother] and [his wife] I've heard about you from them and seen a couple pictures of you. I asked [oldest brother] and [his wife] if I could write to you and say hi. They didnt see any harm in it and so here's my letter to you.

My name is [Tabatha], I'm 30 yrs old I work full time at a Residential Treatment center for teenagers, a job I find very rewarding. I like to read, garden, fish, hike, camp and would really like to go hunting someday. I enjoy fishing, I can bait my own hook set up the line, clean the fish and filet the fish - but I never learned how to COOK the fish - LOL. One night my mom and I went fishing and caught a 10 lbs cat fish, talk about hard to kill, we finally gave up because we felt bad for it. Threw him in the ice chest and took him back to the river. Silly huh? I'm an animal lover so I don't want to see any animal suffer.

Oh [oldest brother] told me you passed your oral exam - congrats - thats fantastic. I hope you celebrated all night afterwards.

So if you dont mind telling me what other hobbies do you have

[Oldest Brother] said you're very busy with school and work, so I understand if you are too busy to respond.

I've enclosed three pictures of me taken 2 months ago I hope you like what you see and I hope we get a chance to get to know each other better.

Have a good day, [Native Minnow].

Sincerely,

[Tabatha]

[address and phone number]

Against my better judgement, I've also scanned the pictures she sent. I've done this for two reasons: 1) Peer pressure. I've had several of you email me and ask to see, so here you go. Just remember, you asked for it. 2) I need to prove that I wasn't just being mean when I said that it made me "recoil in horror and fight the urge to vomit." It was an honest statement. Oh, and I'm not responsible for cleaning up the mess if any of you actually do vomit.

*****************************EDIT*****************************

I received a rare visit from my conscience and have decided to take the pictures down. It was mean and I'd hate for her to find out about it somehow. I hope you all got a chance to see how bad it was though.

What it takes to wanna be a man

I got a letter from my sister-in-law the other day. She said that she and one of her neighbors were looking through some pictures and there were a few of me. Her neighbor asked if it would be alright if she wrote me a letter. She and my brother decided that "it wouldn't hurt" and that I "might like a pen pal." In other words, they're trying to set me up with this girl.

There was a letter from the girl enclosed. She is a year younger than me and has three kids. She likes to "read, garden, fish, hike, camp, and would really like to go hunting someday." She then told me about how much she likes to fish, can bait her own hook, clean and filet the fish, but never learned how to cook them. That's great and all, but personally I think those are talents that she should share with someone who fishes with bait.

(You see, I tend to be a bit of an elitist, and by that I mean I'm an arrogant prick, and by that I mean I'm better than everyone else. I enjoy flyfishing , but that's about it. Fishing with anything else is boring, and fishing with live bait seems a bit like cheating. So in summary, flyfishing = high class, bait fishing = white trash, I = awesome. Anyway, on with the story.)

At the end of the girl's letter she told me that she had enclosed some pictures of herself and that she hoped I liked what I saw. Sure enough, there were three pictures in the envelope, but I didn't exactly like what I saw.

I think I'm going to have to explain my rules for dating to my brother. Also, I have to add one more rule to the list - In order to consider dating someone, I must be able to look at a picture of them without recoiling in horror while fighting the urge to vomit.

Box Full of Letters - 4

To the guy who passed me in the canyon the other night:

Please take that fucking spoiler off your Ford F-150. Those are only meant for sports cars, not big trucks. Besides, this isn't the fast and the furious, you don't have to Tokyo Drift your way through the curves. I hate people like you.

Love,
Native Minnow

Box full of letters - 3

To the woman who was sitting at the table next to us and kept farting, loudly, while we were trying to eat lunch:

Please try to keep your bodily functions under control while you're sitting in a crowded eating establishment. It was very difficult to finish my meal when it sounded like there was a Harley Davidson idling at the next table over.

Sincerely,
Native Minnow

p. s. Unless of course you subscribe to the following philosophy. If you do, then by all means proceed with your five second rumbles.

Box full of letters - 2

To the woman who was listening to her ipod and stepped in front of my car today:

If you're going to eliminate one of your five senses' abilities to protect you from harm, you should at least employ some of the others in an attempt to compensate in order to stay alive. You have no idea how badly I wanted to teach you a lesson about this today, but instead I took my foot off the accelerator and placed it on the brake. Consider this as your warning. You only get one.

Sincerely,
Native Minnow

Got a box full of letters I think you might like to see

To the guy standing in line at the deli with his laptop open while looking over the menu to decide what to order:

Put the laptop down! You can't possibly be that freakin' busy. If you are then you should probably skip lunch and catch up on your work. You're not even typing or looking at the laptop anyway, you're looking at the menu. Besides, it's not like you're an important business man. How can I tell? You're dressed in business casual clothes, except it's not Friday. Well, that and the business card that you have taped to your laptop with blue electrical tape kind of gives it away. Nobody thinks you're cool. Quit trying to act like you are.

Sincerely,
Native Minnow

Hello, I love you won't you tell me your name

To the girl in the white dress that I saw at the grocery store yesterday:

Seriously, tell me your name. And feel free to jump in my bed.

Memo to human resources

To the fat girl I saw today who was wearing a mini skirt, tight top and cowboy boots,

That is not a good look for you and you need to stop. This is not up for discussion.

Sincerely,
Me