I've got something to say, I killed your baby today, doesn't matter much to me as long as it's dead

This past week was the one where my students dissect a fetal pig. Part of the dissection includes identifying all the parts to the reproductive system for both male and female pigs. In one of my labs there was only one group that had a male pig. They were nervous about ruining something, particularly because the rest of the class needed to look at their pig, so I told them I'd help them with that part, mainly because I was afraid they'd ruin something too, and then I'd have to cut open a whole new pig. As I started cutting, they started talking about one of the radio morning shows here in town.

Girl: So, they were talking on the radio today and asked the question, "What would you do for a million bucks?"
Me: I'll tell you right now, there's not a lot I wouldn't do for a million dollars.
Girl: Really?
Me: Yeah. That's a lot of money.
Girl: They were coming up with all sorts of things on the radio. Like, would you punch your Grandma in the face?
Me: Hmmmmm. It sounds harsh, but I probably would. I'd feel bad about it, but I'd give her some of the money later and she'd forgive me.
Girl: Would you make out with one of your parents for at least ten seconds?
Me: For a million bucks? I would.
Girl: Even if it was your dad?
Me: Yeah, but I doubt he would.
Girl: That's so disgusting.
Me: You're talking to a guy with a pig's penis in his hand. And I'm doing that for a whole lot less.

I'm such a whore.

Hey Pig Piggy Pig Pig Pig

I've come up with another plan to make myself filthy rich. While this idea probably won't generate as much income as the Tweaker-on-the-Go Meth Kit (described here, and seen here), it's bound to bring in more than I'm making right now. After all, with this idea I'm going to take the fashion world by storm. I have to admit that I shouldn't take full credit for this idea, since I'm basically just stealing it from one of the craziest guys I've ever worked with (crazy in a good way), but I'm totally keeping all the money to myself.

What is this grand idea you ask? I'm going to design a pig purse.

I mean, why not? They've done it with armadillos, bullfrogs, lizards, snakes and other animals. I don't see why pigs should be exempt.

So, here is the preliminary drawing. Done in MS Paint so obviously it's not as good as it would have been had I used my "skills of an artist" but good enough for now:

I'm especially pleased with the zipper that goes along the abdomen. Of course, that will come in many colors (gold, silver, black, etc.) and each purse will be unique because each will be made of an entirely different hollowed out (i.e. gutted) fetal pig. Some will be pink, others black, some white with black spots, or stripes. You name it, the possibilities are endless. Plus, since each one is so unique, we'll be able to charge more money for each one.

Here's a photo of the first prototype, modeled by my lovely assistant (it'll look much better with a zipper installed):

But he's driving and striving and hugging the turns, and thinking of someone for whom he still burns

Here's the story about how my friend had a birthday and made me get a speeding ticket (what a bitch that friend is for doing that, I know).

She sent me an email a few days ago asking me if I wanted to join her at an Irish Pub last night. I have to admit that I wasn't too keen on going (since I've been working my butt off this week - literally, it fell off), but then I found out it was for her birthday celebration so thought I'd stop by for a little while. What could go wrong with that?

Well, I'll tell you what can go wrong with that. Plenty!

First, I drove out there with another friend of mine. We'll call him BJ (even though it has very little to do with his real name and he hates it when I call him that). BJ and I left campus in my car and drove out to meet the birthday girl & Co. When we walked into the place, they came to seat us and we told them we were looking for a group of people. Just then the birthday girl let out a big laugh, and the hostess said, "Can you hear them?" We obviously could so didn't need her to show us to our table. We sat for a while, beverages were consumed, jokes were told, and many laughs were had. It had all the makings of an enjoyable evening. They even had an Irish band playing, and let me tell you, you haven't truly lived until you've heard the up-tempo Irish version of Radiohead's Creep. I would normally hate that Irish band for ruining one of my favorite songs, but I actually know the fiddle player, and she's so nice that I can't hate her (no matter how much she might deserve it).

Unfortunately, I really was tired, plus it was a weeknight, so BJ and I left after being there a little more than an hour. I drove BJ back to campus so that he could get his car. After dropping him off I pulled off of campus and onto one of the major streets around campus. Little did I know that I was accelerating quickly. Quickly enough that Officer D. Devitte was horrified by my speed. Or maybe he was just looking out for the safety of that one other driver that was about a mile ahead of me on the road because you never know what a crazy guy like me is going to do when he's driving out of control. I ramped through my gears so fast that I was doing 48 mph within about two feet of the place that I turned onto the road. You had no idea that my car could go that fast that quickly did you? Neither did I. I always thought that it was powered by about seven hamsters running on a wheel, but there's no way that seven hamsters could crank out that kind of speed. Maybe the last time I took it to Jiffy Lube they upgraded me to seven squirrels or something. Everyone knows that squirrels run faster than hamsters.

Anyway, I also didn't have a current proof of insurance card in the vehicle with me so Officer D. Devitte wrote me a ticket for that and the speeding. In the time that it took him to write that ticket seven Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift type cars zipped by us, but those guys couldn't have been going as fast as I was. I'm also pretty sure that within a five block radius of where we were about 700 drug deals went down, 87 stereos were stolen from cars, 3 children were kidnapped, someone was raped and murdered and a drive by shooting was planned, but check the news to make sure.

So the way I see it, the birthday girl now owes me about $190 after I prove to the court that I do in fact have insurance on my car (that in no way shape or form is capable of accelerating as fast as Officer D. Devitte says it is) because if she didn't have to go and have her stupid little birthday party, then I would have gone home my normal way, at my normal time, and wouldn't have gotten pulled over because they can't pull you over when you're just one of 500 vehicles that are moving that fast on the same street. Sure, you might be saying that it's all my fault because the speed limit there is 30 mph so I should only drive 30 mph, but, I'm here to tell you that nobody can drive 30 mph on that street. Do you hear me? Nobody. I know because I've tried it about a million times, and I can never do it. Ok, maybe not never, but every time I do I get rear-ended because I'm going too slow (ok, so that only happened once, but then again, I've only driven 30 mph on that road once, so it really is every time).

I hate cops. But you know what? I say, "Screw you Officer D. Devitte. I'll drive the way I want." The people who come up with speed limits are all stupid anyway. They should really just be suggestions. That way all the stupid morons that don't know how to drive will kill themselves in fiery auto crashes and clear up the road for the rest of us.

Does anybody know if Ticketbuster people really can get your ticket reduced every time? I may have to look into that.

Never just an ordinary girl

My ex-wife and her boyfriend brought my kids into town yesterday. They wanted to take a little vacation for the holiday, and thought it would be good just to come here so that I could take the kids. I'm glad they did, it's nice to be able to see my kids without having to be the one to do all the driving (as is usually the case).

My daughter said that on the way down she was teasing my youngest son. As he was sitting in his booster seat she was tickling his leg and asking him what kind of girls he liked.

"Do you like skinny girls . . . medium girls . . . or fat girls?"

The last part was when he squirmed.

"Oh, you like fat girls huh?"

He started crying and said "I don't LIKE fat girls."

He's only three years old and apparently is already a pig. I guess they really don't fall far from the tree.

Bacon anyone?

In case you're wondering what exactly it is that I do all week, I make students do this type of stuff to different organisms ;-)

Some of these people are your future doctors. It's better that they get their practice in on something like this first, don't you think?