Oh boy, find out what's up with me

Here are several statements that may or may not be true about things I've done in my life. Treat it like a True/False test and see how well you perform.

1. I offered to give a guy ten dollars if he ate a perch that had been preserved in formaldehyde. Even though he did, and then had to get his stomach pumped at the hospital, I never paid up.

2. Went joyriding with a friend when he wrecked the car that we'd "borrowed", and even though the owners knew I was involved, they never said anything to my parents.

3. I married a seventeen year old girl.

4. Once accepted $100 to take a girl on a date. The money covered "operating costs" and a little extra for my trouble.

5. Went on a collecting trip, but forgot to pack the drugs I use to euthanize fish. I ended up "euthanizing" a few mountain whitefish by bashing their heads against some rocks along the river bank.

6. I once got into a scuffle with a drunk referee after a basketball game.

7. I induced a rainbow trout to spooge all over my arm. (A failed attempt at human/fish hybridization?)

8. I was the unknowing mastermind of a criminal ring in my time working for a certain shipping company whose colors are brown and brown.

You know what the sun's all about when the lights go out

In the spirit of a new class starting this week, I'm giving you a pop quiz. Choose the option that best completes the sentence.

When you wake up, get in the shower, and find a small white feather on your scrotum, you know it's time to _______________.

a) worry.
b) fly.
c) buy new pillows.
d) stop dry-humping your pillows in your sleep.
e) quit fucking chickens.
f) All of the above.

Are you ready?

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you had a wonderful celebration last night, but I hope you're not too hung over because I'm giving you a pop quiz today. As always, there are correct answers. I will post the key at a later time. Good Luck!



1. Which of the following choices is the best option for breakfast on any ordinary day?

A)


B)


C)


2. Which of the options in question 1 is the best choice to be one's first meal of 2008?


3. What is wrong with the following picture?



A) There is nothing wrong with the picture.

B) The Mountain Dew bottle is way too small for Silent Kid's face.

The Colonel's kernels and chicken and corn

It's been a while since I've given a pop-quiz. Plus, today's a Nevada state holiday, so you can count this as kind of a roll call to see who the diligent readers are. Answer the following question:

Q: Which of the methods listed below is the correct way to eat corn?

A) Random bites taken from around the cob:


B) Going around the cob all the way first before moving to either side (the phonograph cylinder method):


C) Finishing an entire row of kernels on a cob before moving up or down (the typewriter method):


D) Canned and creamed:


E) Candied:





(And yes, there is only one right answer.)

We've got everything down to a science so I guess we know everything

It's time for a biology lesson. Here is a picture of a chloroplast. Look at it and study its components. Take as much time as you need.

Now that you've had some time to study, I'm going to give you one of the multiple choice questions I gave my students last week.

Q. All the parts of a chloroplast are

a. the outer membrane, inner membrane, stroma, thylakoid and grana.
b. the outer membrane, inner membrane, chloroplastal matrix, thylakoid.
c. the thylakoid, grana, cristae, outer and inner membranes.
d. the stroma thylakoid and grana.
e. your mom.

Including choice 'e' probably wasn't the most professional thing I've ever done, but oh well. Take that The Man!

Hippity-Hoppity Happy Easter Day

True or False. Spending a good portion of the evening on Easter Sunday gazing at the following view means that you're a pathetic individual.

Middle school was enough for me, all I need to know how to do is count money

In honor of the new semester I'm giving you a pop quiz. There are two questions, one dealing with etiquette, and one dealing with proper parenting. Good luck!

1. True or False. When you're at lunch and the manager brings you your food and asks "How about some strawberries with your spinach veggie wrap?" The correct response is, "How about you shut the hell up and get your ass out of here?"

2. True or False. When you have your two year old child at the deli, and he's playing with the sign that has your order number on it so that the employees can bring your food to your table, an appropriate thing to say to your son is, "If you hit me in the face with that number I will punch you in your little baby balls."