So how you wanna kick it? Gonna kick it root down.

Are you as surprised as I am that not one student this week made an inappropriate comment about this root tip model?



Root tip indeed.

I am not your broom

I overheard a conversation about the Olympics yesterday.

Woman: Of all the sports, why is curling divided into men's and women's? Doesn't that seem like one they could have be co-ed? There's no advantage to being big and strong.

Man: Well, they use those brooms to sweep the ice, don't they?

Woman: Yeah, but I don't think strength gives men much advantage there.

Man: No, the advantage goes the other way because women have so much more experience using a broom. That's all.

Free like a bird, yet I don't fly much

Friend: Come on, [Husband] and I are ready. Let's go.

Me: I'm not ready to go yet.

Friend: Alright, I see you checking out that girl's cleavage, Dr. Douche.

Me: I'm Dr. Do Whatever I Want.

Friend: So why don't you go over there and talk to her?

Me: Yeah, that's not happening.

Friend: Well, until you do that, you're Dr. Douche.

Dig him up and shake his hand, appreciate the man

A little over a week ago I went to Chipotle with a friend of mine for lunch. We ordered our food, and as we went to sit at a table, a Korean guy walked up to my friend, looked at him for a second, and said, "Where you been, Mothaaaafuckaaaaa?"

Turned out he was the sushi chef at the place my friend always used to go with his ex-girlfriend. My friend introduced us, then they sat and talked for about five minutes. The sushi chef invited him to come back to the restaurant.

"I miss you. All of us miss you. You come back next week, okay?"

My friend said, "Okay. I'll come by next Thursday."

On Wednesday my friend texted me: What time are you done teaching?

I don't know, probably around eight, why?

We should go get sushi. It'll be my treat.

Okay. I can't turn an offer like that down. But don't expect me to put out later.

Alright, I won't. Let me know when you're done, and I'll meet you there.

Sounds good.

The reception my friend got at the sushi restaurant was like nothing I've ever seen before. The hostess saw him first (obviously) and said, "What happened? I know! You two broke up! Good to see you again!"

Then the sushi chef saw him and yelled out, "HEY!!! Look who it is! But today's not Thursday. I woke up today and was so sad that I had to wait another day to see you, but here you are. Good to see you!"

I kid you not, every single person who worked there came up to him that night to welcome him back and tell him how much they missed him. Even the owner. We got free sushi. My friend got free sake. You'd think he was some sort of a celebrity. I guess he and his girlfriend went there a LOT. It was a very surreal experience. We even tried two rolls that my friend had "created" with the sushi chef. They were delicious.

A few of the employees apologized for not recognizing him sooner, but said it was because he was there with me instead of his ex. Every single one of them had to talk about her, and how they'd seen her since, but not him, and how they liked him better.

The next day he asked me what I thought about the place while we were eating lunch.

"Well, apparently you're a friendly son-of-a-bitch away from campus. Everybody loves you there."

"I must be. It was good to see all those guys again. I'll need to go back on a semi-regular basis."

"Yeah, you should. Let me know. I'll go back. [The chef] was out of control, but it was fun. I still can't get over how much everyone there seemed to love you."

"That was nice. It was funny who even the ones who didn't recognize me at first came over to talk."

"They just didn't recognize you because you weren't there with . . . some bitch." (I forgot that he doesn't like to use the names of ex-girlfriends until I was almost through the sentence.)

My friend eyed the table next to us (which happened to be full of women) nervously. "Could you say that a little louder?"

"What? If I say it with a smile on my face it's not derogatory."

Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort

A little while ago Togers updated his facebook status: What would you do if I joined a gang? Became Straight Edge? Joined a band? Got five inch gauges? These are all very important questions.

Being the good father that I am, I commented that I would kick his butt if he did any of those other than join a band.

Then he asked, "What if it was a Straight Edge band?"

Then his mom chimed in:
Way to stick it to the man dumb butt. Why dont you start wearing a cross and saying hail marys too? Oh, I've got one! How about this? Maybe you should not worry bout living up to any kind of standard and just live your pathetic life? How about that? Or do you need to be a part of some kind of group to feel special? Oh. Ok, then I support you! :)

She followed that up with a second comment: And by pathetic I mean really, really, really pathetic :)

The next time I talked to Togers on the phone, I told him that I thought his mom's comments were hilarious. He did too. Then I said, "You should tell your mom to be careful though. We both know she was joking, but someone else could see that and think she was cyberbullying you. They prosecute people for that. Like that lady they tried for cyberbullying that girl who ended up killing herself. In fact, you know what you could do if you really wanted to get your mom in trouble? You could totally slit your wrists tonight and leave a note saying it was because of her comments."

He laughed and said, "Yeah. But I probably wouldn't even need to leave anything about cyberbullying in the note. I'm pretty sure I could ruin her day just by trying to kill myself."

"Yeah, you're probably right. It'd ruin my day too. So, as your father, let me go ahead and say this: If you kill yourself tonight I'm totally going to kick your butt."

This door swings both ways

Girl: Are you teaching any classes other than this in the near future?

Me: Probably not.

Girl: That's too bad. Your lectures are good.

Me: How would you know?

Girl: I took your class last summer.

Me: You did? Why don't I remember you?

Girl: I don't know. I sat by [Girl 1] and [Girl 2]. I always sat on the left.

Me: I remember both of them. But I don't remember you. You must've been quiet.

Girl: Of course I was quiet. It's not like I'm going to interrupt lecture.

Me: Well, a lot of times people come up before or after and ask me things. You never asked me any questions.

Girl: I never had any.

Me: Well, that's probably why I don't remember you*.

Girl: That's okay. I forgot your name.








*Which is really weird, because she's hot.

One for each other and all for one, the three brave amigos are we

This is the clip that contains the saying I kept joking about using to answer questions from my committee members during my dissertation defense.

Turn around, turn around, there's a thing there that can be found, turn around, turn around, it's a human skull on the ground

I was walking in one of the buildings on campus the other day when I saw a professor from my department carrying a small skull.

Me: Dude*, what's going on?

Him: Just trying to get a little head**.







*Got to show the proper levels of respect.

**As you can see, I'm not the only one who likes to keep it classy around here.

There weren't no chocolates, no pretty flowers

Last night my friends and I went to try out a new restaurant, Herbs & Rye. The food was fantastic. The overall feel was like a step back to the time of Prohibition. If you live in Las Vegas, or are in town for a visit, I'd highly recommend it. But since I'm not a food critic, that's not the real point of the post.

After dinner, my friends wanted to go sit at the bar for a drink (apparently this place makes amazing cocktails - I can't say for certain since I don't drink, but I can say that they looked like they'd be good). Everything was freshly made, and they had unique glasses for each individual drink. The owner and bartender take their spirits seriously. It was really cool to watch them work. But again, I digress.

There were a few attractive girls sitting by us, and the owner of the place asked one of them (the one I thought was the prettiest) if she had any plans for Valentine's Day.

"Well, let's see, I'm going to wake up and rub one out, drink a bottle of wine, then go to work drunk and see if I can get fired from my job."

The owner looked at me and said, "Did you hear what she just said?"

"Yeah, I heard." Then I smiled at her.

She smiled back at me and said, "Now don't be jealous."

"I have to admit, I am a little jealous. Sounds like it'll be better than my Valentine's Day."

Big girls, they don't cry-y-y

And while I've just resorted to showing YouTube clips here in The Shallows, check this one out (thanks Daisy):



While we're on the subject of fat girls, I'm just going to go ahead and call 'not it.'

He was a skater boy

Mr M showcasing his mad skateboarding skillz

Coming down from my siamese dream

The first week of classes this semester:

Me: I have two sets of identical twins in the same class section. What are the odds of that?

Friend: Are they two sets of hot Japanese girls?

Me: Um. No.

Friend: Well then are they siamese hermaphrodites ready to fulfill your wildest fantasies?

Me: It appears that your wildest fantasies are much different than mine.

Friend: Perhaps.

And I believe there's a way to describe the silence as sound

Today I accidentally hit the 'notes' button on my ipod touch, and saw a few notes my kids wrote while we were en route to my grandmother's funeral in December.

Like this one from Tortellini:

Hi Dad you suck. Just saying. I hope you never get this because you're such a butt face. And I can't believe I have to sit here next to you on this ten hour road trip. You suck, you suck, you suck. Even [Togers] and [Mr M] think so but they won't say anything because they're too chicken. Also, they don't have the itouch. Because I am cool so I get to choose the music. And you're not cool, because you're a loser. And now we're listening to "Know Your Enemy" by Rage Against The Machine. Do you want to know why I chose this song? Because I know my enemy, and it's you. So shut up. Oh yeah, and the real reason [Mr M] has to pee every ten minutes is because I'm giving him super pee drinks. Bye.

And this one from Togers:

Hi Dad, it's [Togers]. I just thought I'd let you know that you are a butt. Not a butthead, a butt, because butts don't have heads. And just by the way, you aren't fooling anyone, we all know that you are a dinosaur. If I had a dog that was as ugly as you I'd shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards. So shut up you buttface. Go poop your pants or something.

But this one was my favorite:

RAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bahahaha I know I scared you ;)

I miss my little brats.

Goddamn, I miss that girl

I hate you, talking to myself, everybody's staring at me

Those of you who are on facebook know that just about everybody has been posting pictures of their celebrity doppelgangers. Mine was a no brainer.



But hands down, the one that caught me the most off guard was posted by one of my friends (who happens to be white).



That picture is wrong on so many levels. I shouldn't have laughed, but I did.

I need a mother, I'm sorry but it's true

Last Friday one of my friends asked if I was going to go to a departmental party. I told him that I wasn't because I'd forgotten about it, and had already told some people I'd meet up with them.

Friend: Oh really? Who?

Me: Your mom. We're going to hook up later.

Friend: You obviously haven't seen my mom. I'll show you some pictures and we'll put an end to this business right now.

Me: Maybe, but she'd be fine after a few drinks.

Later in the evening, once the departmental party was winding down, he texted my other friend to see if we were still out.

Text 1: Who's there?

Text 2 (a few seconds later): Not my mom.

My friend's text back: Your sister and your wife.

He showed up a few minutes later:

Friend 1: Where's everybody at? I was expecting a family reunion.

Me: They just left.

Friend 2: They needed to go clean up.

Friend 1: I hate you guys.

A few minutes later, Friend 2 leaned over and whispered to me, "I changed your name in the contacts list in my phone. Now it says [Friend 1]'s Mom. Text me something foul."

So I did.

He showed it to Friend 1.

The look on his face was priceless.

She thinks she's the passionate one

Last night there was a bachelorette party at the table next to us at the bar. They were playing some sort of dice game where they needed to do certain things with certain types of people. A half hour or so after they started I heard someone call out to me.

"Are you tall?"

"Yeah, I'm tall."

"Good. Can you come here for a second?"

Then the bachelorette grabbed my hand and started singing to me: "I don't want anybody else, when I think about you I touch myself*."

Apparently the dice told her she needed to sing to a tall guy. I was happy to offer my services.

About an hour later, she walked back over to the table.

"I need a tall guy again. You're my trusty tall guy. You're the one I can sing to. Can you help me again?"

"Sure, no problem."

"Now I'm supposed to do a shot with a tall guy. Will you do a shot with me?"

"Uh, okay."

"What do you want?"

"I don't know. Just get whatever you want. I don't drink."

"You don't drink? What do you mean you don't drink?"

"I mean I don't drink. I've only done a shot once. Twice if you count sake. This will be the third shot I've ever taken in my life."

"We're going to do a Jager Bomb."

So I did a Jager bomb** with her. Who am I do deny a dying*** woman her last wish?

My friend is convinced that I could've made out with her last night. Looking at some pictures that another friend texted me of the event, I think he might be right. She was hanging on me for a little while afterward, posing for pictures and whatnot. I didn't make out with her though. I only gave her a kiss on the cheek.

I'm classy, yo.








*Remember Divinyls?

**It was terrible - don't worry, I'm not going to start drinking.

***Dying, getting married, same diff.

But now the snow is gone

It rained pretty much all day yesterday. As you can imagine, that much precipitation is pretty rare around here. Someone I follow on Twitter even posted this: Dear Las Vegas: please google "desert" k, thanks. Nobody listened to her, though. It kept raining.

I was walking somewhere mid-day, and when I stepped out into the rain, some cold water dripped down off the roof and onto the back of my neck. That's the thing about living someplace where you hardly ever get rain or snow, you forget to watch out for stuff like that. It was cold. It's times like that I'm glad I don't live somewhere colder. You know, like with snow and stuff. Where you have to worry about trees dumping the snow off their branches, onto your head, and down the back of your neck.

That hasn't always been the case. I've lived in some cold places. I mean COLD places. Like, you're so excited when the temperature finally hits 50 degrees sometime in May that you're out in shorts, t-shirt and sandals and thinking about going for a swim, even though the water temperature in the lake is probably still somewhere in the 30s because the ice just barely melted.

I recently saw a news headline that said they had made it illegal for truck drivers and bus drivers to text while on the road. That, combined with the cold rain water dripping down the back of my neck made me think of some of the things that happened my senior year of high school. Like the fact that one of the bus drivers would READ western novels while driving a busload of kids around on windy mountain roads. You know, because THAT's safe.

One day we were driving the 35 miles or so to school in a snow storm (with the regular bus driver, not the Louis L'amor fan). We're talking blizzard conditions. Like, the only way you could tell where the road went was by looking at the whiteness in front of you, and knowing you were on the road because there weren't any trees. It was kind of scary being that visibility was only about 30 feet anyway. That was before the windshield wipers iced up. The bus driver was faced with a dilemma. He couldn't keep going without being able to clear off the windshield, but he also couldn't stop the bus because if he did there is no way he would have been able to get it moving again. THAT's how much snow was on the road. So he called me to the front of the bus, had me crawl into the small space to his left, reach out the window into the freezing snow and wind, and bang the windshield wiper on the windshield to break the ice off. It was freeeeeeeeeeeezing (yes, that many Es). But I saved the day. We made it to school safely.

By noon, the school had decided to send us back home, so we loaded up on the bus, repeated the procedure. Arrived home safely, despite the fact that they waited until the bus was on the road before they CLOSED THE HIGHWAY. The school district sent a bus full of high school kids traveling home on a snowy mountain road that they knew was about to be closed because of the terrible weather conditions.

Sometimes I wonder how I even survived to see my college years.

Remember yesterday

One of the main differences between now and a year ago.

Now: I don't have much to say, so I don't.

Then: I didn't have much to say, but I did anyway.

'Cause darlin' you're a whiskey kisser and it's gettin' to me

I have a friend who is going through a break up, and is a little nervous about being back "on the market" after being in a relationship for so long. Looking for some reassurance that things would be okay, she asked me if I thought she was pretty enough to have guys "take a second look."

I told her she was.

She apologized for asking such a vain question, but thanked me for my "candid" answer.

Her: I know that sounds so stupid, but I was just wondering.

Me: I don't think it's stupid at all.

Her: Well, who asks "Hey, am I hot?"

Me: Sometimes I wonder the same thing. I think most people do.

Her: You are super cute. AND you are a doctor!!! You are a catch.

Me: Well thank you. You'd think so.

Her: Yes, I think so. AND you won't get whiskey dick*. That is important. You could put that on a business card.

Me: Maybe I will.








*An added benefit to my not drinking.