Party with the animals, party, no dogs allowed no more

Last night I went with some friends to the box office at the Hard Rock so they could pick up tickets for a concert we're going to next week.

When we got there, Ozzy Osborne and Dave Navarro were hosting a private party for the release of the new Guitar Hero.

Bastards didn't even invite me.

I am soooo deleting both of their numbers from my phone.

You say a lot of funny things my little bunny, and I almost always laugh, but that's not really funny

I heard this while eating lunch yesterday:

Girl: I don't really get why everyone thought Seinfeld was so funny.

Guy: That's because it's dry humor. No offense, but usually only intelligent people get that.

Girl: Oh. Okay.

Livin' it up 'til I hit the ground

Just before I was supposed to start teaching this morning I realized I hadn't brought a pen with me. I didn't have time to walk back to my office to get one, so opted for grabbing one from my lab bench since it's just upstairs from the lab where I teach. I took the elevator, and halfway between floors it sort of jolted, and a buzzer came on for a short moment. Luckily, it started right back up and opened at the next floor.

There were two other guys in the elevator with me. One of them looked at me and said, "That's a relief."

I answered, "Yeah. No offense, but if I'm going to get stuck in an elevator, it needs to be with two hot chicks. Not two dudes."

Let me see you stripped down to the bone

I encountered some former students at lunch today. They invited me to come sit down with them. In the process of catching up with them I asked one about her dental school applications.

Her: I only applied to five schools, but I should be able to get into one of them.

Me: I'm sure you will. You're smart enough. You should be fine.

Her: I'd better get in. I don't really have a back up plan, so if I don't get accepted I'll have to start stripping somewhere.

Me: Well, if that ends up happening let me know. I'll come buy a dance from you.

Her Friend: Maybe you could just tuck some dollar bills into her g-string.

Me: Either way works for me.

Her mouth was sewn shut but her eyes were still wide

I texted my friend to let her know that she and another friend of ours were both pictured on a web site we all frequent.

Her: It's because the world revolves around you or [site] isn't really that popular.

Me: Must be the first.

Her: Ah yes, as a biologist you would opt for the God complex choice.

Me: Careful or I'll snuff you out =)

Her: Are you aware you just threatened to rape and kill me?

Me: Yeah, but the smiley face makes it okay.

Her: Not everything [Professor] does to you is legal!

Me: [no response]

Her: The silence means I won, right?

Me: I'm just plotting.

Her: I'm not sure if I should be terrified or amused.

Me: How about both?

Her: How about bored? Put up or shut up!

I used to want it all

I saw '500 Days of Summer' this week. As I stood in line for tickets with the girl I went with, I saw the movie poster for 'Inglourious Basterds' which was opening later in the week.

Me: Ooh. I want to see that this weekend.

Girl: No. I won't go see that with you.

Me: I wasn't asking.

Everyone wants to be a perpetual motion machine

Today, while driving across town with my friend:

Him: I would've run that light if that girl hadn't been standing at the corner ready to cross.

Me: She is cute. You made the right choice.

He drove through the next yellow light.

Me: So, you didn't want to stop to see the guy with the mullet wearing a tank top cross in front of us?

Him: I didn't see the guy with the mullet.

Me: But if you had, you totally would've stopped, right?

The hunger of addiction calls

A few things you should never do for a Klondike bar:

- Get "Klondike" tattooed across your face.

- Punch a toddler and steal his/hers.

- Sell one of your kidneys on the black market.

- Mug a clown.

- Steal from the collection plate at church.

- Short your pimp.

- Your grandmother.

I'll go stumbling home to sleep alone but it's alright, yeah it's alright

I convinced a friend of mine to go to yoga with me over the weekend. After our session he and I went to grab a bite to eat and had the following conversation over dinner.

Him: Did you see they were having a pot-luck?

Me: No. Too bad we didn't know that earlier. We could've gone.

Him: It's not today. They're having it to celebrate the anniversary of the yoga studio. I forgot the date already, but it's sometime in the next few weekends. I'll go with you if you want.

Me: We should go. It could be a good way for me to meet some of those hot girls that are always there. Maybe find out which of them have boyfriends and which don't.

Him: Why? So you'll know which ones you can stare at and do nothing about?

Me: Exactly.

I like it for fashion because the rock loves dysfunction

Last week I took my kids shopping for school clothes before they moved. Togers spent the day helping his mom load the moving van, so I started shopping with Tortellini and Mr M with the plan that she'd drop Togers off at a certain store. We finished there before she got there, so we went to a few nearby stores while we waited, including the one where Mr M picked out his new SpongeBob Boxers.

Later, when we were completely done shopping and were driving to meet their mom I realized that I'd forgotten to get new underwear for Togers.

Me: Oh no! I meant to get you some underwear, but I thought I should wait because I didn't know what kind you prefer.

Togers: Boxer briefs.

Tortellini: Actually, Dad, he goes commando.

Me: [Tortellini]! That is your brother's junk you're talking about.

Tortellini: EEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!

Me: What? You're the one that brought it up.

Tortellini: Well you're the one that had to go and make me visualize it.

Maybe they're not going to miss me that much after all.

A unified theory of everything

I watched the documentary 'Jeff Tweedy: Sunken Treasure' and found out that he and I have a lot in common. Well, maybe not a lot in common, but his description about what it'd be like to be married to him is a lot like what it'd be like to be married to me, minus the guitar playing part.

So, if you want to know what it'd be like to be married to me, you should listen to the banter at the beginning of this clip, even if you don't want to listen to the entire song (but you should listen to that too, it's good).

You've been hit by a smooth criminal

Tortellini recorded this on the morning my kids left town:




Mr M really wanted me to buy him that hat while we were out shopping for school clothes.

"Dad, how much money do you got?"

"Dad, how much is this hat?"

"Dad, are you bankrupt?"

"Dad, do I look like Michael Jackson in this hat?"

Tortellini and I decided that it was so cute that I had to get it for him. He wore it for two straight days, and showed everyone his "Michael Jackson Face".

My roommate came downstairs the other morning and Mr M had the hat on.

Roommate: Hello Michael.

Mr M: My name isn't Michael.

Me: He was just saying that because you look so much like Michael Jackson that it's hard to tell the two of you apart.

Mr M: I don't look like Michael Jackson. I don't have really, really, really white skin.

Look out Mom, here come the swells

I had to say goodbye to my kids today. Again. My ex-wife got a job offer and a place to live in Arizona, and felt like she had to take it.

I understand, but it still sucks.

My kids seem to be handling it better than I am though. At least judging by this excerpt from a conversation I had with them last night:

Me: I'm really sad that you guys are moving away from here.

Mr M: Are you going to cry?

Me: Maybe*.

Mr M: Then you're a crybaby!









*Of course I cried**.

**I'm a crybaby.

The test begins NOW

In part because I was feeling lazy and didn't want to have to think of another question to put on my students' final exam, and in part because I wanted to be nice and give them a freebie, the final question on their final (see what I just did there?) was this:

What is the answer to this question?
A) A is not the answer. Do not put A.
B) B is the answer. Put B.
C) C is not the answer. B is.
D) D is not the answer either. Seriously, put B.
E) Why are you even still reading this? Put B already.

Three people missed it.

I officially give up.

I was just plain bound to forget

In case you needed more evidence that I am losing my mind, take this phone conversation that took place prior to the viewing and funeral for my friend's mom for example.

Flieswithoutwings: Where's the church? Is it the same one [Friends'] wedding reception was in?

Me: I'm not sure. Was I even at their wedding?


Turns out that not only was I there, I was his best man*. Who knew?










*Well, one of two. Flieswithoutwings was the other.

At every occasion I'll be ready for a funeral

Last week, one of my best friends lost his mother. Her funeral was on Saturday. I debated long and hard about whether I was too busy to go, then realized that it shouldn't matter how busy I am, some things have to be more important than anything else. Close friends fall into that category, so I went. I'm glad I did.

A few observations from the weekend:

- The good ones always seem to leave us too early.

- Cancer is a bitch.

- There is absolutely nothing you can say to console someone who has just lost their mother.

- Ditto for someone who has just lost the love of their life.

- My way of dealing with grief is to try and laugh it off (sometimes it works, sometimes it makes me look like a jerk).

- It's good to see old friends, even if it is at a funeral.

Rape me my friend

Hotel Clerk (after checking us in and charging about one and a half times what the room should have cost): Is there anything else I can do for you?

My Brother: Could you give us the number for the rape hotline? Because we just got screwed.

I know I just want to thank you for thinking of me

Me: Should I have sent those guys an email thanking them for the interview?

Friend (who works for the guys who interviewed me last week): No. We don't know what to do with politeness!

Me: Ok. Good. I've always felt that was a douchebag move but a few people have told me I should.

Friend: Those people are d-bags.

Funky boss get off my back

There was a ceremony at Mr M's school because tomorrow is his last day of kindergarten. During the program each of the students stood up and said what they wanted to be when they grew up.

Most of them said they wanted to be teachers, doctors, etc.

Mr M stood up and simply said, "My name is [Mr M] and when I grow up I want to be The Boss*."








*I wonder if that means The Boss of the lemonade stand.

--------------------UPDATE--------------------

He did mean of the lemonade stand:

I know it seems like I don't care but something in me does I swear

While lecturing today, one of my students knocked an entire pile of books onto the floor. It was a distraction, but I didn't think much of it. Then another student did the same thing about ten minutes later.

When it happened the second time I stopped lecturing and said, "Am I really that boring today? Everybody seems to be falling asleep and knocking things over."

The first student approached me after class and said, "It's not that you're boring, it's just that I'm narcoleptic and they've just changed my medication again."

Fabulous. Another instance in which I've unwittingly mocked someone for a condition they have no control over.

Beaten six ways to Sunday

Local H - What would you have me do?
Can you just go home defeated
Take your pride and eat it
Crawl back beaten
Sources are depleted
Can you take the final hit and admit that you were wrong?

Don't even call it even
Bleedin' is believin'
Former well bein'
We're closing for the season
Can you take the final hit and admit that you don't belong?

Beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday now
You're gonna have to leave it
You know you'll never need it
Wait'll you see what we've planned for you
And it's heinous
So come on come on comeuppance
You really are the star of the show right now
It's sad and strange and kinda strange when clichés are true
Beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday now
And I am sorry to enjoy this
But what would you have me do?
What would you have me do?

Can you just go home hated
Half intoxicated
Hopelessly outdated
And not appreciated
Can you take the final blow and know that you fucked up?

Go state the overstated
Keep it complicated
The overeducated
That hope you'll never make it
Can you take the final blow and know they won't be shutting up?

We're beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday now
You're gonna have to leave it
You know you'll never need it
Wait'll you see what we've planned for you
And it's heinous
So come on come on comeuppance
You really are the star of the show right now
It's sad and strange but kinda strange when clichés are true
We're beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday now
And I am sorry to enjoy this
But what would you have me do?

Baby's out of town
But I see the light on
What are you up to now?
Headin' for the gun I can see rock bottom
No one will help you now
We're beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday now
You're gonna have to leave it
You know you'll never need it
Everything has been cut and dried for you

And it's heinous
So come on come on comeuppance
You really are the star of the show right now
It's sad and strange but kinda strange when clichés are true
Yeah
We're beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday now
And I am sorry to enjoy this
But what would you have me do?
What would you have me do?
What would you have me do?
What would you have me do?
What would you have me do?

What would you have me do?
Beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday
We're beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday
Beaten six ways to Sunday
We're beaten six ways to Sunday

Hold tight
It's New Year's Eve
And we'll be cold tonight
We'll kill the heat
And shut out all the lights
Cut the phone line too
Alright
We don't need nothing but cyanide
Pulled our teeth won't be identified
What would you have me do?

You got it
Hold tight
It's New Year's Eve
And we'll be cold tonight
We'll kill the heat
And shut out all the lights
Cut the phone line too
(you got it)
Alright
We don't need nothing (you got it) but cyanide
Pulled our teeth (you got it) won't be identified
What would you (you got it) have me do?

You got it
Hold tight
It's New Year's Eve (you got it)
And we'll be cold tonight
We'll kill the heat (you got it)
And shut out all the lights
Cut the phone line (you got it) too
(You got it)
Alright
We don't need nothing (you got it) but cyanide
Pulled our teeth (you got it) won't be identified
What would you have (you got it) me do?
(you got it)

[Repeated several more times]

Got a job at the crumb factory, it's my number one job

First thing this morning I got a phone call from my ex-wife. She wanted me to talk to Mr M because he wouldn't get ready for school.

Me: What's wrong?

Mr M: I don't want to go to school.

Me: Why not?

Mr M: Because I don't LIKE school.

Me: Well, you still have to go. You only have about another week, and then you're done with Kindergarten*. Do you want me to take you today?

Mr M: I don't know. I don't want to go.

Me: Let me be clear. You're going to school. Now do you want me to take you, or do you want your mom to take you?

Mr M: Mom, I guess.

Then my ex-wife got back on the phone. I told her to tell him that everybody has to do things they don't want to do sometimes, and that there are a lot of days when I don't want to go to work either, but I do anyway.

His response to that?

"Well, when I get older I'm not gonna have to go because I'll be a lemonade worker, and if I don't want to I won't have to go to my lemonade stand."

If that's the case, maybe I'll go be a lemonade worker too.

Mr M's got it all figured out.










*He has year round school. It sucks.