Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I'm employee of the month number one crumb making son of a gun

How to botch a job interview in 32 easy steps:

1. Schedule your interview for the hottest part of the day (this is crucial for reasons that will be apparent later).

2. Be under the impression that your job interview is exactly one week before the actual interview is scheduled to take place.

3. Realize that the letter you received says you're actually scheduled for the following week. But don't realize this until exactly 5:00 p.m. on the day before you think you have to go, so that it's too late to call and find out for sure.

4. Call anyway and leave a message saying that you were confused about the date.

5. Talk to them the next morning to find out that you don't go in that day, but rather one week from then.

6. Hope that the fact that you're too retarded to even get the day right isn't enough to make them not want to hire you.

7. On the real day of the interview, bring a change of clothes with you to work because you don't want to be wearing long pants and a long sleeved shirt all day when it's 112 degrees outside.

8. Change into the pants just before leaving the office to go to the interview, but leave the other shirt on so that your "interview shirt" doesn't get sweaty on the drive over.

9. Make sure that the last thing you do before leaving the office to drive across town is go take a leak.

10. Notice some whiteheads on your chin while urinating, and pop them. This ensures that they will leak that kind of clear, kind of bloody zit fluid for the entire drive out to the interview.

11. Fail to realize that you've got split stream whilst peeing with no hands (because you're too busy popping zits to pay attention).

12. Allow the split stream to hit your shirt tail.

13. Rinse the shirt tail off in the sink, and hope the urine smell doesn't stay with you.

14. Get in the car and burn your arm on the seatbelt buckle. Repeat until you've got a minimum of three burn marks on your arm.

15. Drive across town in a car that is at least 150 degrees inside, and the a/c can't bring the temperature down enough so that you're not sweating for a half hour straight.

16. Make sure that you do not cut your hair before the job interview, so that you sweat even more than you normally would while driving across town in a car that's way too friggin' hot.

17. Arrive early enough that you can justify a stop at 7-11 to get a drink since you've been sweating profusely for thirty minutes or so.

18. Drink the entire bottle of water before going into the building where you're being interviewed.

19. Sit in the parking lot and change into the shirt that you didn't actually pee all over.

20. Make sure to perform the last step just as a bunch of people come out of the building so that you look like a classy guy sitting shirtless in a car in the parking lot.

21. Once you've changed shirts, realize that you forgot to bring a belt, and that your pants are baggy, so you can't tuck your shirt in.

22. Enter the building looking extra classy. It's okay. You're kind of in the ghetto anyway, so they're probably used to it.

23. Make sure you're early enough that you have to sit in the hall for half an hour.

24. Make eye contact with one of the guys who is going to be interviewing you, so that he feels obligated to come introduce himself.

25. Sit there looking like an asshole while that same guy walks by you another three or four times before calling you into the interview room.

26. Stumble and stammer around the second question they ask you. Fail to give them the most obvious answer - The one that should've been first on your mind, and probably the one they were looking for.

27. Regret drinking the entire bottle of water before the interview, because you're only a few minutes in and you really have to pee.

28. Fail to give a satisfactory answer to at least two more questions, and maybe even more than that.

29. Come across as arrogant and cocky when they ask what makes you ideal for the job.

30. Leave all three interviewers with the impression that your long term career goals include trying to take over their position.

31. Go back to the office and second guess every answer you gave.

32. Try to figure out what other jobs you can apply for because you're obviously not getting this one.


Amber said...

ouch... well hey if you don't get it maybe its just fate, good luck anyway!! :)

Boxer said...

Fresh Pepper would be so proud.

Anonymous said...

your too hard on yourself, people generally like you when they meet you. so, dont worry so much!

Anonymous said...

you are also a perv who drives around checking out little girls with your shirt off and pee stains on your shirt. perv!

Heff said...

Damn. Hate it for you, man. Sounds like some krap I've put MYSELF through.

TROLL Y2K said...

Don't forget to follow-up with some long rambling disturbing "Thank You for Considering Me" phone calls and emails.

Put "Professor Minnow" or whatever your real name is in the Subject Line, so they read it. But have the address be something like: Guywith12inchPenis@UNLV.EDU.

TROLL Y2K said...

P.S. I've received resumes, cover letters and Thank You for Interview letters from people with worse Email Addresses than "Guywith12inchPenis".

steph said...

oh, that is painful....but you never know what might happen.....sending you good thoughts.

Anonymous said...

My favorite story was from Scott Buhanen...He was trying to interview at a bank and they asked him why he was the best candidate for the job. He started laughing and said, "I'm not the best candidate for the job" in a very intuitive way... :)

Bunny Hugger said...

this is the most hilarious shit ever.

Anonymous said...

Ah, interviews are great, aren't they? I was talking to a friend who does HR and she was tipsily describing how she met her husband at an interview, and spoke dismissively of the whole process. I - failing at interviews consistently throughout my life - said that I agreed, they are, indeed, bollocks. This pissed her off intensely.

We've not spoken since. It's not been that long, so I'm hopeful, but still.

This is obviously completely unrelated to your situation. Hi, I ramble.

Good luck. E-mail just the once to say thanks for your time, and of course keep looking. I call every interview a "rehearsal interview", as if I was practising :-)

kmwthay said...

send them a "thanks for the interview candy bouquet"

Not that they WOULD forget you after all of that, but a candy bouquet would seal the deal.

elbee said...

Man, if I keep all this up I'll be bound to (never) get a job!