Got a foul mouth that she never heard

Yesterday my roommate and I were getting ready to watch a movie, but decided that first we needed to go to the store to get some snacks. I settled on an ice cream sandwich and some Grape Vines. I handed him some money and told him just to pay for everything.

Cashier: Will that be everything for you?

Roommate: Yeah.

Cashier: Who's getting the Grape Vines? Those things are delicious.

Me: We're going to fight over them.

Cashier (looking at me): I have faith in you.

Me (to my roommate): Did you hear that? She just called you a pussy.

Cashier (shocked): No, I didn't say that.

Me: Her words, dude. Not mine.

Cashier: . . .

I think the thing you said was true, I'm gonna die alone and sad

The other day I was sitting in my lab, printing some papers off, when I looked down and saw a couple of handwritten pages sitting next to the computer. It turns out, someone had dropped a few pages out of their journal, and one of the professors I work with had picked them up and saved them in case the student came back looking for them.

Of course I read them. Not only that, I photocopied them. For blogging purposes. Yeah, I know I'm going to Hell.

It's sad to actually see in words the pressure the young people around here are under to get married.

Without further ado, here it is (with his spelling, grammar, etc.):

I went on a date with a really nice girl named Britt because she seemed to be interested in me. Well, I took her on the date, and I was right. But I just didn't feel the same way. I'm trying to give girls who are interested in me a chance, but what if I'm just not really interested? I hate dating! Can anyone ever be happy? Can two people ever truely fall in love with each other? It seems so hard here!

I've tried to be less shallow, but it hasn't been very satisfieing. I don't know, when I read about my eternal companion in my patriarchal blessing it seems lack the luster those words once held. Now I feel as if these words are just describing an average ordinary girl, not the super extradinary girl I thought it was talking about. I worry about my family to, and have this crushing feeling that it's just not going to be what I dreamed of.

These things and many others are frustrating to me, but I've just got to have faith and keep on keeping on. It'll all work out in the end, I'm sure.

:D

Obviously this kid is Mormon. I wish I could find him, shake him, and tell him never to settle for "just an ordinary girl" but to wait until he does find the super extraordinary girl he's hoping to marry someday. There are worse things than a lifetime of being single. Like a lifetime of being married to an ordinary girl.

I can't think of what comedian said this offhand (and a quick Google search only brought up a bunch of religious web sites about marriage), but I love the quote. It goes something like this, "Single people are faced with two things: loneliness and freedom. But when they figure out how much fun they're having being free, they can forget about how lonely they are."

I hope this kid finds the superextraordinary girl he's looking for.

Yes it's creepy, I told you I was freaky

Reason #327 why my siblings shouldn't allow me to interact with their children can be observed in the following text conversation with my niece:

Little bird hoppin' on my porch

In case you missed it, Conan O'Brien is a genius.

Coming colors in the air, oh everywhere

Today I went with one of the girls from my lab to the Holi festival at a nearby Hare Krishna temple. I've never gone before, but have seen pictures and videos and it seemed like it'd be a fun experience. It was. There were an estimated 30,000 or so people attending this year's event. We made it there about an hour after the first chalk throw, so many in the crowd were already colored up.







I looked around online and found a video of what the chalk throw looks like. It wasn't from the festival I went to (this was last year), and the idiots in the crowd apparently don't know how to wait for the count, so they sort of ruined it in this one, but if you watch it to the end, you'll see exactly what it was like to be in the crowd when everyone was throwing their chalk around.



You really couldn't see the sky. I'm sure that pulling my shirt over my mouth and nose did little to protect my lungs, but whatever. I'm glad I went. There aren't many times in your life where you get the opportunity to celebrate the onset of Spring by throwing colored chalk at complete strangers. Such as this girl who was nice enough to pose for me after I complimented her on her colors.



By the way, her shirt apparently started off white. So did mine, but it ended up looking very similar. Also, she had me throw pink chalk on her face, right where you can see her skin showing through in the picture. So she looked even more colorful afterward.

People weren't the only ones getting chalked up.



It was a gorgeous day, despite it being overcast.



Don't let the snow on the mountains fool you, it was warm enough to be out in just a t-shirt. Luckily for me. I ended up throwing the one I wore away. I'm glad I didn't have to do that with a jacket or sweatshirt as well.

I had to shampoo my hair four times, and I still ended up with some purple streaks. I also didn't realize how many Q-Tips one must go through to get all the color out of one's ear canal (12). I have a few pink splotches on my face that won't wash off, so I'm hoping those will come off the next time I shower. We'll see. I could be walking around looking like a male guppy for the next few days.



But hey, if it works on the ladies the same way it works on female guppies, I'm all for it. In fact, I may need to go buy some more bags of chalk. Just in case.

Happy Spring everybody!

****UPDATE****

I forgot I took this video right after the color throw. It's not the best quality, and I can't get it to size right, but at least you can hear what the music was like.

Going going, back back, to Cali Cali

I spent last weekend in California visiting some friends. Saturday morning they left the house early to pick up bagels for breakfast. When we'd finished eating those, one of my friends pulled what looked like a candy bar out of the bag.

She asked, "Do you like halva?"

I said, "I've never had it."

She asked, "Well, do you like peanut butter?"

"Yeah."

Her husband chimed in. "Well, that's good, because it's not peanut butter."

She retorted, "Well, no, it's not. BUT, it has a peanut butter attitude."

Take it back say it's not what you thought

Last night I stayed at a friend's house. This morning we went to breakfast. When the server brought the bill we each handed her a card and asked her to split the bill down the middle.

Me: I think mine was a little bit more than yours so I probably owe you a dollar or two.

Friend: How about you just don't jizz all over the sheets on my guest bed and we'll call it even.

Me: Uh. It might be too late for that. You should've told me last night if that's what you wanted.

You've been struck by a smooth criminal

Tonight I stopped and filled my car up with gas at the service station where I used to work weekends when I was an undergraduate student. I was talking to my old boss' son for a while, and he showed me a "publication" called Busted. It's basically just full of mug shots that have been taken in the county over the past month. I don't know if the idea is to shame people into obeying the law or what, but it just lists mug shot after mug shot, and tells what the person was arrested for. I'm sure it would be good for hours upon hours of trashy fun to browse through.

A customer came in, so he set the paper down on the counter while he rang them up. The girl looked down and said, "My sister was in that last month."

My boss' son said, "I'm sorry to hear that. I hope she's turning her life around."

The customer said, "She is. For good this time." Then she walked out the door.

Yeah right.

Five minutes later, another customer walked in, looked down at the paper on the counter (it was still there) and said, "That's my sister."

My boss' son asked, "What did she do* to get her picture in there?"

The customer said, "I don't know. She didn't tell me anything. I'm going to have to look and see." Then he picked it up and started thumbing through it.

I motioned to the stack and said, "There are plenty more if you want to take them for your family scrap book."

He didn't laugh, but I sure thought it was funny.










*Joyriding

The girl said yeah, smiled, and he smiled back

Check out this amazing take on being divorced from season one of Louie C.K.'s TV series "Louie." I couldn't have said it better myself*.

It's not fun to be single at 41. I was married for ten years. I'm divorced, I've got two children. It's hard to start again after a marriage. It's hard to really, like, look at somebody and go "Hey, maybe something nice will happen."

You just don't.

I know too much about life to have any optimism because I know even if it's nice it's going to lead to shit. I know that if you smile at somebody and they smile back, you've just decided that something shitty is going to happen.

You might have a nice couple of dates, but then she'll stop calling you back and that'll feel shitty.

Or, you'll date for a long time and then she'll have sex with one of your friends, or you will with one of hers, and that'll be shitty.

Or, you'll get married and it won't work out, and you'll get divorced and split your friends and money, and that's horrible.

Or, you'll meet the perfect person who you love infinitely, and you even argue well, and you grow together, and you have children, and then you get old together. And then she's gonna' die.

That's the best case scenario is that you're gonna' lose your best friend.









*Really, I couldn't. If I could, I'd be a successful comedian living in New York.

You wanna know about atrocity?

A few nights ago a girl from my lab came over to my house so I could show her how to run some analyses*. She lives on the next street, so we figured it would be easier to meet at my house and I could show her on my computer rather than try to meet on campus. We went over a few different things, and it was pretty late by the time she got ready to leave.

After she put her coat on and opened the front door she pulled out some pepper spray so she could have it at the ready.

Me: You carry that out all the time when you're walking at night?

Her: I do in this neighborhood. It's sketchy. My roommate told me there was another rape on that trail behind my house.

Me: More recently than the one last Fall?

Her: Yeah. I mean, I didn't verify it by watching the news or anything, but it creeps me out.


Just then I noticed that her car wasn't parked in front of my house.


Me: Wait. You didn't drive?

Her: I can't drive a block.

Me: Sure you can. Especially when it's cold and rapey out.

Her: Well, my car's cold too.

Me: Yeah, but it's not rapey.









*Not a euphemism for anything**.

**Unfortunately.

What we've got here is failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach.

I got this email a few months ago. I meant to post it then, but somehow it got buried in my inbox. Better late then never though, right? Enjoy!


Hello,
I hope to hear from you again

I am glad for your answer. How do you today? I am a young girl, a good search, sexy figure of an ideal body. My country of Darfur, Sudan. My height is about 5.11 meters tall, fair in person, I at one time, I live in a refugee camp in Dakar as a result of political crisis and civil war is happening in my country, Sudan. My father and mother were shot and killed in the war my late father, Dr. Korren Annan became director general of Korren & Partners (Ltd), and it was a personal konsultantna Sudanese (President Omar al-Bashir), after which the rebels attacked our house, and in the early morning killing of my mother and my father in cold blood. It is only me that is alive, and I managed my way to the next country Senegal, where I live now in a refugee camp, and that the computer belongs to the pastor of the church here in the camp.

My Hobbies:
Swimming, music, cooking and reading.
My likes: honesty and simplicity
I do not like: lies and disappointment

I would like to know more about you. Your likes and dislikes, hobbies and what you do now.
I will tell you more about myself in my next post. Here are some of my paintings. Regards - Jessica







Perhaps I should've responded?

Got a devil's haircut in my mind

Last Friday I went in for a haircut appointment. It was my first time going to this guy. He came highly recommended from the guy who cut my hair in Vegas, so I figured he'd do a good job.

When he finished with the haircut and was washing my hair he asked, "Have you ever had your eyebrows trimmed? I'm going to do that right now."

I said, "I haven't, but are they really that bad?"

"Yes!"

So I grabbed baby girl by the rear end

A couple of Fridays ago I had to call a friend from Vegas to ask him about some things. When I called him, a female friend of ours answered the phone. I recognized her voice right away, and talked to her for a few minutes before she handed the phone to him. He walked outside so he could hear me better, we talked about the things I needed to ask him for several minutes, but eventually he started feeling like he was being rude by talking to me and ignoring her.

Him: I'd better go. [Friend] is sitting at the table all by herself.

Me: Okay. Grab her ass for me when you go back inside. Make sure you tell her it's from me.

Him: Alright. Will do.

Less than a minute later, I got a text.

Her: Why are you grabbing my butt?

Me: It looks so nice I can't help it. Especially in those jeans. It's good to see that he's okay with following orders.

Her: I'm sure he didn't need a lot of convincing.

I can attest to that.

And love it don't die, it just goes from girl to girl

This pic of "me" was taken by my brother out on a frozen lake up the canyon from his house. There are definitely perks to having a gifted photographer in the family. It is my Valentine to GWWBMGF. I know it's lame, but whatever.




I hope everyone who wants to has a great Valentine's Day (I know not everyone likes to celebrate the "made-up" holiday). It'd be nice to have someone to spend it with, but since I don't, the "phone date" I have tonight will have to do.

I wish I was a little bit taller, wish I was a baller

Those of you who follow college basketball are probably aware of the buzz surrounding Jimmer Fredette. Those of you who don't could probably care less. I was watching something the other day and one of the people commented that Jimmer Fredette was just a good basketball name.

Um, what? The name Jimmer Fredette does little to conjure images of basketball in my mind. I can, however, think of a few other things the name Jimmer Fredette is well suited for:

- Panning for gold

- Milking cows

- Hunting raccoons

- Quilting

- Shearing sheep

- Frog gigging

- Making moonshine

- Rapping*










*Just kidding. Just wanted to see who was still paying attention.

It's not a question about getting the message

Mr M: You're old. And I'm closer to my birthday than you.

Me: No you're not. I only have to wait until April. Yours isn't until September.

Mr M: So? You're closer to death than I am. Ha ha ha ha.


Touche. Jerk!

Now in the future, cloners won't make much money

This week I emailed an old friend the link to this article about a Japanese researcher's plan to clone a mammoth. They plan on using an elephant as a surrogate mother for an egg implanted with a nucleus from a mammoth cell taken from a specimen that was preserved in ice.

I wrote:

Remember when you used to say that some day they'd clone them successfully, and then they'd become pests and start knocking over your garbage cans in the middle of the night and you'd just shake your head and say, "Damn mammoths. Why'd they have to bring THOSE back?"

Well, looks like we're on our way.

He responded:

I only remember that because you brought it up and I thought, "yeah, that sounds like something dumb enough to come from my lips."

If you go to Eastern Europe though, you'll see some of the women and know that these Japanese researchers are wasting their time...Mammoths are alive and well.

Half a canyon

Yesterday I had the following conversation with a friend:

Friend: It's free to go to national parks this weekend.

Me: Why is that?

Friend: They waived the entrance fees for Martin Luther King Day.

Me: But, that wasn't part of his dream.

Friend: No, it was. They just shot him before he could say it.


That conversation reminded me that I meant to blog about my last trip to a national park, which only lasted for about thirty minutes.

I left my parents' house the day before New Year's Eve to take my kids home after having them for Christmas. We decided on the way up that, weather permitting, we'd take the slightly longer way back to Arizona and stop at the Grand Canyon. I'll let you be the judge if the weather was really cooperating with us. Here are a few pictures of the roads we drove on for the first five hours or so of the trip:









They got slightly better after that, but only for a short time until we got caught in the second wave of the storm system for another hour or so.

We did make it to the Grand Canyon though. When we got there it was freeeeeeeeeeezing (yes, that many Es). It was seventeen degrees, with a heavy wind blowing. The park ranger at the gate acted like we were crazy for trying to visit the park on such a crappy day. I told him we just wanted to go to an overlook real quick, see the canyon, then continue on our way. He said that was good, and to go to the first overlook, because that was the only one we'd be able to see anything from anyway.

He was right. I took this picture a couple hundred yards from the overlook. You can't even see the canyon yet.



My kids are geniuses and only had sweatshirts on, so they were freezing, but I still made them "pose" for this picture:



Obviously not the best picture I've ever taken of them, but it really was too cold for me to feel good about asking them to stand there long enough for me to take a second one. (You know, one without my shadow obscuring their faces, and without wind blowing Tortellini's hair every which way.) Immediately after I snapped that shot they ran to warm up in the gift shop that was nearby, at the base of a watchtower:



I stayed out for a few minutes longer to see if I could take some better pictures.

(I couldn't really.)





(What's so "grand" about it anyway?)

I'm glad we went, even if it was the shortest trip I've ever had to a national park. Next time though, I'm definitely going when it's warmer.

It's in the photograph of love

My brother is quite a good photographer. Last night he was telling me about an aspiring model who wants him to do a photo-shoot with her.

Him: She wants me to take pictures of her and one of her friends who is also an aspiring model.

Me: You know what that means? Threesome.

Him: You're such a freak.

Me: Alright. Alright. I'll do it. But I'm going to need some advance notice so I can get one of those spray on tans beforehand.

Him: And lose twenty pounds.

Me: Yeah. And grow a bigger dick.

But I've always been kinda partial to calling myself up on the phone and asking myself out, you know?

After dropping my kids off at home after spending Christmas at my parents', I drove to Las Vegas where I spent New Year's Eve. The friend I stayed with was flying back from visiting his family for Christmas, and asked if I'd mind picking him up at the airport. Once I did, we decided to meet another friend for dinner at the sports bar I used to frequent (which turned out to be the right choice when the second friend picked up the check). My two friends had plans to hang out for NYE, while I had plans to meet up with Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend, although not until after she finished with a family dinner.

It was early in the evening, and the bar was pretty slow, which was nice because it allowed the servers plenty of time to come over to chat and catch up a little bit. One of our favorite servers was asking about everyone's plans for the evening when she and I had the following exchange:

Server: Where's your girlfriend?

Me: I don't have a girlfriend.

Server: Well, where's that girl you always used to hang out with?

Me: I'm going to pick her up a little later.

Server: Are you two going to have sex tonight?

Me: No.

Server: Lame! Why are you hanging out with girls who won't have sex with you.

Me: Because that's the only kind of girls there are.