Now in the future, cloners won't make much money

This week I emailed an old friend the link to this article about a Japanese researcher's plan to clone a mammoth. They plan on using an elephant as a surrogate mother for an egg implanted with a nucleus from a mammoth cell taken from a specimen that was preserved in ice.

I wrote:

Remember when you used to say that some day they'd clone them successfully, and then they'd become pests and start knocking over your garbage cans in the middle of the night and you'd just shake your head and say, "Damn mammoths. Why'd they have to bring THOSE back?"

Well, looks like we're on our way.

He responded:

I only remember that because you brought it up and I thought, "yeah, that sounds like something dumb enough to come from my lips."

If you go to Eastern Europe though, you'll see some of the women and know that these Japanese researchers are wasting their time...Mammoths are alive and well.

Half a canyon

Yesterday I had the following conversation with a friend:

Friend: It's free to go to national parks this weekend.

Me: Why is that?

Friend: They waived the entrance fees for Martin Luther King Day.

Me: But, that wasn't part of his dream.

Friend: No, it was. They just shot him before he could say it.


That conversation reminded me that I meant to blog about my last trip to a national park, which only lasted for about thirty minutes.

I left my parents' house the day before New Year's Eve to take my kids home after having them for Christmas. We decided on the way up that, weather permitting, we'd take the slightly longer way back to Arizona and stop at the Grand Canyon. I'll let you be the judge if the weather was really cooperating with us. Here are a few pictures of the roads we drove on for the first five hours or so of the trip:









They got slightly better after that, but only for a short time until we got caught in the second wave of the storm system for another hour or so.

We did make it to the Grand Canyon though. When we got there it was freeeeeeeeeeezing (yes, that many Es). It was seventeen degrees, with a heavy wind blowing. The park ranger at the gate acted like we were crazy for trying to visit the park on such a crappy day. I told him we just wanted to go to an overlook real quick, see the canyon, then continue on our way. He said that was good, and to go to the first overlook, because that was the only one we'd be able to see anything from anyway.

He was right. I took this picture a couple hundred yards from the overlook. You can't even see the canyon yet.



My kids are geniuses and only had sweatshirts on, so they were freezing, but I still made them "pose" for this picture:



Obviously not the best picture I've ever taken of them, but it really was too cold for me to feel good about asking them to stand there long enough for me to take a second one. (You know, one without my shadow obscuring their faces, and without wind blowing Tortellini's hair every which way.) Immediately after I snapped that shot they ran to warm up in the gift shop that was nearby, at the base of a watchtower:



I stayed out for a few minutes longer to see if I could take some better pictures.

(I couldn't really.)





(What's so "grand" about it anyway?)

I'm glad we went, even if it was the shortest trip I've ever had to a national park. Next time though, I'm definitely going when it's warmer.

It's in the photograph of love

My brother is quite a good photographer. Last night he was telling me about an aspiring model who wants him to do a photo-shoot with her.

Him: She wants me to take pictures of her and one of her friends who is also an aspiring model.

Me: You know what that means? Threesome.

Him: You're such a freak.

Me: Alright. Alright. I'll do it. But I'm going to need some advance notice so I can get one of those spray on tans beforehand.

Him: And lose twenty pounds.

Me: Yeah. And grow a bigger dick.

But I've always been kinda partial to calling myself up on the phone and asking myself out, you know?

After dropping my kids off at home after spending Christmas at my parents', I drove to Las Vegas where I spent New Year's Eve. The friend I stayed with was flying back from visiting his family for Christmas, and asked if I'd mind picking him up at the airport. Once I did, we decided to meet another friend for dinner at the sports bar I used to frequent (which turned out to be the right choice when the second friend picked up the check). My two friends had plans to hang out for NYE, while I had plans to meet up with Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend, although not until after she finished with a family dinner.

It was early in the evening, and the bar was pretty slow, which was nice because it allowed the servers plenty of time to come over to chat and catch up a little bit. One of our favorite servers was asking about everyone's plans for the evening when she and I had the following exchange:

Server: Where's your girlfriend?

Me: I don't have a girlfriend.

Server: Well, where's that girl you always used to hang out with?

Me: I'm going to pick her up a little later.

Server: Are you two going to have sex tonight?

Me: No.

Server: Lame! Why are you hanging out with girls who won't have sex with you.

Me: Because that's the only kind of girls there are.

Should old acquaintance be forgot?

Anonymous Boxer is hosting a NYE party at her blog, and you should check it out if you have the time (if you haven't already that is). With the new year just around the corner, it seems appropriate to sit back and reflect on the year that just passed.

The year 2010 was the year I almost pulled the plug on my blog. The timing seemed right. I was finally finished with school, got a "real" job, and moved away from Vegas. I always thought the move would be the right time to do it, but when it came right down to it, I couldn't follow through. I know I haven't been posting as much as I used to, but I'm still glad that I kept it alive, albeit on life support.

I don't make it around to visit other blogs as often as I used to either. I'd apologize for that, but it's unlikely to change this year. Something about being busier now, you know, with the new job requiring me to actually work. But, the relationships I've forged with you guys over the years are too good to just let evaporate into the blogosphere.

It's just changing. Twitter is easier and faster. I don't have to think of a way to tell a story when the punch line can be delivered in fewer characters. So, if you really miss me, and haven't been following me there already, I welcome you to do so. If not, you can always check the sidebar here to see what I've been up to.

I'm looking forward to 2011. I think there are some good things in store. When you see the following list of highlights from 2010, you'll see that it won't be THAT hard to top.

My 2010 online highlights:

- I was re-tweeted by Michael Ian Black

- I had part of a text conversation published on Texts From Last Night

- I played a 128 point word, and had a 462 point game in online Scrabble through Facebook

- I received a marriage proposal via Twitter


Now you know where the bar has been set.

Happy New Year everyone!

Jolly old St Nicholas

Mr M has argued with us about whether Santa is real or not for the past two years. This year he won the argument.

So, instead of getting presents from Santa this year, he got them from the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, Your Mom, Ed the Homeless Guy From Van Buren, Bambi From The Best Gentlemen's Club in Phoenix, Will Smith's Robot Arm and Sunny From iRobot.

Good luck trying to deny THOSE entities, Mr M.

I got game

Tonight, Togers and I taught Mr M how to play Mancala. In one of the games I started beating him pretty handily, and started taunting him*.

In a sing-songy voice I said, "I'm going to win. Ha ha ha ha ha ha."

He said, "Maybe not. I have a trick up my sleeve. It's called flipping the board over."







*Because I'm such a great father.

Lived a freak of nature named Sir Psycho

My kids love each other very, very much. If you don't believe me, just read the following quote from Mr M while we were in the car on the way to Grandma and Grandpa's house for Christmas.

"[Tortellini], after you die, I'm going to go dig up your body, cut your face off of your skull, and use it as a mask for my crotch."

See? I told you.

Because my love is strong and my heart is weak after all

And now it's time for the list you've all been anxiously awaiting with bated breath: Native Minnow's favorite* albums of 2010.


Delta Spirit - History From Below
Quite frankly, I'm surprised these guys don't generate more buzz. This was the album I listened to more than any other this year, and I'm still not tired of it. Devil Knows You're Dead is a fantastic song. Just before I moved, I told Girl Who Wouldn't Be My Girlfriend that it should be our theme song, but she said it was too sad. Fair enough. It was the first song I heard off of this album, and I thought it would be my favorite, but that honor now goes to Bushwick Blues. Watch the video on YouTube. Great stuff.


The Whigs - In The Dark
One of my lamest brushes with "celebrity" (aside from Joe Jackson giving me a fist bump at a Halloween party because he liked my Axl Rose costume, or the time I walked right past Luke Wilson without realizing it because I was ogling the girl he was with) came when I saw these guys open for Black Rebel Motorcycle Club in February. When BRMC came on, some of the band members for The Whigs went out into the crowd to watch. During one of the faster BRMC songs, I got shoved into the bass player who was standing to my left. He caught me. I apologized. He said no need to. I told him he played a good set. He thanked me. Oddly, we never hung out again after that.


Band of Horses - infinite Arms
One of my regrets this year was missing these guys live because of the timing of my move away from Vegas. These guys played here a week or two before I moved, and played in Vegas the weekend after I left. Talk about missing the boat. Of course my Vegas friends had to keep texting me to let me know what a great show I was missing. Pricks.


Local Natives - Gorilla Manor
One of the benefits of living with a music fanatic is that I hear about a lot music I'd never find out about otherwise that way. My roommate told me to give this album a listen shortly after he moved in. I'm obviously glad he did. There's a pretty good chance that either Camera Talk or Warning Sign will make it onto a future mix CD of mine. I guess this album was actually released in 2009, but that was just in the U.K., and it's U.S. release was 2010 so I'm counting it. Sue me.


Ok Go - Of The Blue Colour Of The Sky
The kings of making music videos that go viral were at it again in full force this year with their videos for This Too Shall Pass and White Knuckles (I'm pretty sure the latter would hold a special place in the heart of everybody's favorite Anonymous Boxer). In the band's own words "'Cause nothin' ever doesn't change, but nothin' changes much." I also listened to this while cruising around UCLA's campus with some friends in early July. Somehow that mental image comes back every time I hear the song Skyscrapers.


Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Beat The Devil's Tattoo
I'll be honest, the first few times I listened to this album I only liked the first three or four songs, so I rarely listened to it past that. But, as I work in the lab, or write, or drive, I often listen to my iTunes (or iPod) on shuffle so that I don't have to constantly restart it after an album ends. As you might guess, when that would happen, and random songs from this album would play, they started to grow on me. I love them now. It's still not my favorite BRMC album, but it's climbing the ranks. Plus, I got some kisses when I bought concert tickets for me and GWWBMGF, so that was a plus.


Neon Trees - Habits
This album is just fun to listen to, plain and simple. It's one that can instantly cheer me up if I play it while I'm feeling down. Which probably means I should play it a lot more than I have been lately. Kudos also go to these guys for making it out of Utah, a place with very little going on when it comes to the local music scene.


Eels - End Times
Speaking of feeling down, this is an album that you may not want to listen to while you are. Every song is centered around Mark Oliver Everett's divorce, and can be quite depressing for anyone who's been through one themselves (or anyone going through a break up of any sort). That said, it's got some powerful stuff. Like the song Little Bird, and The Mansions of Los Feliz. It didn't receive a very good review from Pitchfork, but those guys are too hip for their own good anyway, so pay them no mind.


Julian Casablancas - Phrazes For The Young
This solo album from the frontman of The Strokes has a bit of an '80s feel to it, but not in a bad way. Fans of The Strokes should really like it, and really, there's no reason any of you shouldn't be fans of The Strokes. They're another band that it surprises me they don't get more attention.


So there you go. Now you all know how to spend those iTunes gift cards you get in your stockings. You're welcome.










*One of my very favorite albums of the year was Kasabian's West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum. Too bad it was really released in 2009 and I was just late coming to the party.

Now that we're old and prouder than we should be, I hear you talking but I don't see the need

Girl: She's beautiful.

Me: Yeah, she is beautiful, but you know is more beautiful?

Girl: Who?

Me: You.

Girl: You think I'm beautiful.

Me: You know what they say about beauty?

Girl: It fades?

Me: It's in the eye of the beholder.

Girl: True.

Me: And you know who the beholder is, right? Me. So you don't really get a say in this.

I used to love her, but I had to kill her

Friend: Wow, this guy had a rough month of July.

Me: Why do you say that?

Friend: He had three charges of aggravated assault, two charges of aggravated kidnapping, one charge of unlawful detention, domestic violence in front of a child, among other things.

Me: Damn. Sounds about like me when I was going through my divorce.

Is he alive or is he dead? Has he thoughts within his head? We'll just pass him there. Why should we even care?

This week's seminar speaker was a guy who was involved with the sequencing of Ozzy Osbourne's genome. I wrote down some quotes from his talk (the only notes I took, and only because they were hilarious).

Ozzy's motivation for participating in the study? "Given the swimming pools of booze I've guzzled over the years, not to mention all of the cocaine, morphine, sleeping pills . . . you name it, there's really no plausible medical reason why I should be alive. Maybe my DNA could say why."

When they analyzed his genome, they found some unique gene variants, one of which was a protein that alters the way his body processes alcohol. Ozzy's response? "I used to drink four bottles of cognac a day. I'm not sure I need a Harvard scientist to get to the bottom of that mystery."

Ozzy possesses a gene that makes him more resistant to heroin addiction. His take on that? "I was never addicted to street heroin, 'cause it made me throw up. A terrible waste of booze."

Ozzy's genes make him slightly more likely to develop an addiction to cocaine. Apparently he didn't buy that: "This must be bollocks, because anyone who takes coke as much as I did gets hooked."

The presence of other alleles that they found mean that Ozzy is more likely to hallucinate while on marijuana. He did believe that one: "Makes sense, although I was usually loaded on so many different things at the same time, it was hard to know what was doing what."

He also has one region of his genome that contains DNA sequences from Neanderthals. Apparently it's very common for Europeans to carry Neanderthal DNA sequences. Pretty cool stuff in my opinion.

Kind of makes me want to go get my genome scanned so I can find out what unique traits I'm carrying. I doubt mine would generate as many headlines as this one does though.

The statue got me high

If Hollywood has taught us anything, it's that you need to be aware of the following if you ever find yourself exploring ancient ruins:

- Don't touch the statues as moving their arms will more often than not open a trap door.

- Simply stepping over a skeleton is a sure way to end up in the same position (as long as you're not the main character).

- Poison darts always shoot into your neck when you least expect it.

- Ancient ghosts have nothing better to do than hang around for centuries hoping someone will come by that they can haunt.

- Bad guys will always show up within fifteen minutes of your arrival, thus making your exit difficult.

- Hidden treasures are always booby trapped*.

- A girl will always make out with you after you've absconded with the treasure.









*Heh, heh, I said booby.

It's times like these you learn to give again

I went to visit my sister this weekend. Yesterday morning, we decorated gingerbread men. My sister was drawing on one of them with the frosting dispenser (I have no idea what those things are really called).

I said, "Give it boobs."

My sister said, "No."

My two year old niece said, "Yes!"

My sister didn't do it.

Later, when my two year old niece was decorating her next cookie, she told me she wanted me to put a star on it (one of the frosting dispensers was star shaped). She showed me where she wanted it, so I put it there.

Then she said, "That's a boob!"

I'm a great influence.

I'm not looking for a warm embrace, I'm not looking for a friendly face, I've got everything I need

Uncle: How old are you again?

Me: I'm 35. Why?

Mom: He doesn't want to be set up.

Uncle: Okay, how about just introduced?

Me: Uh. I guess that'd be okay.

Uncle: I know this girl who lives near you and works in the medical field. Gorgeous girl. She's 31, so pretty close to your age.

Me: She's probably too old for me then.

You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo

I woke up this morning and went to eat a bowl of cereal. As you know, I'm basically a child when it comes to my diet, so I reached for my box of Reese's Puffs and noticed that my roommate had taken it upon himself to complete a fill-in-the-blank rap on the back of the box.



In case you can't see it on the picture, I've transcribed the text below. The underlined bits are where Roommate filled in the blanks with his lyrics. (Mad-Libs: They're not just for kids anymore!)

My Reese's Puffs Rap

That peanut butter chocolate Mother Fucker
Is the shit that I fuck that makes me cream
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs, in your bowl, in your bowl

Recognize the taste that I shit on your plate
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs,
Wow peanut butter chocolate motherfucker

So crucial to my pussy ass vernacular
That peanut butter jizz is oh so spectacular!
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs

My Reese's Puffs are up in your rectum
Each peanut butter orb is fucking balls deep
Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs, in your bowl
In your bowl. Watch me creep . . . Mother Fucker!



I don't know about you, but I think this baby is going platinum.

Spent the night in Utah in a cave up in the hills

Last week I spent a few days in Moab, Utah for a scientific meeting. My boss, his master's student, and I skipped out on a session of talks so we could go check out Arches National Park.

The road through Arches:


Along the roadside:


Cairn marking the trail:


Stone steps:


Approaching Delicate Arch:


Delicate Arch:


We did this the morning of the day that park ranger got shot. Pretty crazy. I hope they catch the guy. We saw the beginning of the manhunt. There were well over a hundred law enforcement officials, and even an FBI helicopter.

And in case you were wondering, the meeting was fun (I knew a LOT more people there than I thought I would, including two very good friends), my talk was well received, and I'm told I did a good job even though I went into it with very little preparation (considering I was still writing it at the beginning of the session in which I was presenting - Who says procrastination never works?). Next year's is in Mexico. I'm already starting to lobby my boss to let me go to that one.

Cheeseburger in paradise

Last night I was working late. A guy I know poked his head into the lab to see if I wanted to join him for dinner. I did. He went and got another guy and we went to a burger place near campus.

The guy I don't know all that well asked the manager what came on the western burger, and was told it came with barbecue sauce and onion rings.

Me: It sounds like it would be pretty good, except for those onion rings.

Guy: You don't like onion rings?

Me: I hate onions. They're pretty much the worst things on Earth.

Guy: Really?

Me: Yeah. I'd rather get AIDS than eat an onion.

Guy: . . .

If you could flick a switch and open your third eye you'd see that we should never be afraid to die

It shouldn't come as a big surprise that I hate most meetings. I was in a particularly boring one the other day, so I started texting the ridiculous things the woman was saying to my friend.

I followed those up with two more texts:

Why should I have to suffer alone?

and

I can't take it anymore. I'm about to stab myself in the eye.

He responded with: Don't stab your eye. Blind some other fucker in the room.

Alas, I didn't have anything sharp.

Hooray for boobies

I got a new roommate this week. His parents came with him to help him move his stuff in. I helped too. When we finished unloading everything, we went to get some lunch.

His mom was wearing a Chicago t-shirt. As we were finishing eating, I looked over and noticed that something had dripped onto her chest.

Me: Um. You've got something on your . . . Chicago, there.

She wiped it off.

My Roommate: Why are you staring at my mom's boobs?

Me: What do you want from me? She's hot, okay?

Roommate's Dad: Did you see how fast she wiped it up? She didn't even give me a chance to lick if off.


I think this roommate situation is going to work out alright.