Trick or treat 'til the neighbors gonna die of fright

Mr M wanted to dress up as a zombie for Halloween this year.  Some friends of mine said they had a zombie costume that their son wore a few years ago that I could borrow, so I didn't put a lot of effort into making one for Mr M.  Until yesterday, when they said they'd looked everywhere and couldn't find it.

Not wanting Mr M to be the only one in his class that didn't dress up for the Halloween party at school*, I had to start scrambling to put something together.  I called my ex-wife and said that she should start looking around for old clothes that we could tear up and cover with fake blood and mud or something.

Then Togers got an idea:  Mr M has an army jacket with a 'zombie killer' patch.  Togers suggested that Mr M wear torn and bloody clothes, but wear that jacket too, so it would be like he was a zombie killer that got overpowered and turned into a zombie himself.

Mr M nixed that idea.

When asked why he didn't want to do that he simply said, "A normal zombie would have more dignity."












*After my ex-wife drove him all the way to my house so we could go pick out some fake blood and make-up, Mr M informed us that he wasn't going to dress up for school anyway, just for trick-or-treating later, so the "scrambling" was done in vain anyway.

I don't know if the rest will ever mean as much

Me:  You know what I could go for before we start the movie?  Some hot chocolate.

Girl:  You know what would be better than that?

Me:  What?

Girl:  Brownies.  Or no bake cookies.

Me:  Oooh, can we make both AND hot chocolate?

Girl:  I think that can be arranged.

Me:  I knew there was a reason I liked you.

I wondered how far leaves could really fly

This is pretty much all I've been up to so far this month.  How about you?

Apples or something

Girl:  How's it going over there?

Me:  Good. Just waiting for my super slow computer to load the next page I need.  I really need a new laptop.  We should go knock off an Apple Store together.

Girl:  Why?  Do you really like cider that much?

Weeding out your weekends

Friday afternoon I drove to pick up my boys for the weekend.  As they were finishing getting their stuff together, I checked my messages on my phone and had a voicemail from my dad.  He'd called to let me know that they were in town and wanted to know where I was.  I called them back and he said they were at my sister's house, who lives about thirty minutes away from my kids.  We decided to head over there to see them.  Another sister of mine did the same thing, so it turned into a partial family reunion of sorts.

My mom and sister went and picked up pizza for everybody, and we stayed and visited until around midnight, at which point I figured I should probably start driving home.  My sister said, "Why don't you guys just stay the night.  Everyone else is.  We have enough couches."

I asked my boys what they wanted to do, and they wanted to stay, so we did.  After all, my sister and brother-in-law have an entertainment room that's basically a miniature movie theater.  (To them, there's nothing like playing Modern Warfare on a 160 inch screen with surround sound.)

The next morning Mr M was playing with his new PSVita that his mom decided to spoil  him with for his birthday last week.  My seven year old niece was fascinated by it, so at one point he let her play a game while he went and did something else.  She picked it up very quickly.

As my dad watched her play it he turned to me and said, "How on earth do these kids learn how to do all this shit?"

I said to him, "I don't know.  Probably the same way you learned how to ride a horse.  Or skin a cat.  It's just what kids do now."

Girls and boys in school

Today I took Togers to his new school and got him registered for classes.  When we finished, I texted Tortellini.

Me:  [Togers] is going to have a busy year:  driver's ed, careers, law enforcement, guitar, computer technology, Spanish, physics, language arts, geometry, financial literacy, sociology, lifetime fitness, consumer health.

Tortellini:  Why does he have 12 classes?

Me:  That's just how he rolls.

Me:  Some of them are only for one semester, so the second semester has a different group.

Tortellini:  Oh, that's cool that he's taking a guitar class though.

Me:  I think he'll have a fun year.  He's already impressed with the number of cute girls ;-)

Tortellini:  Hahaha.  Of course.  I hope he has a good year too!  He's a freaking Junior.  That's crazy to me.

Me:  Crazy to me too.  Crazier that you're out on your own.  I feel old!

Tortellini:  You are not old.  I mean . . . you are . . but not compared to most parents with an 18 year old.

Me:  You're not helping!

I think the thing you said was true, I'm gonna' die alone and sad

I might be a little biased here, but I think this might be the greatest story ever told:

Line by line we all scrape by

My friend even went so far as to draw up a contract for me to sign before she trains me to become a sassy black woman.  The terms and conditions are covered in the waiver:

I __________ __________fully understand and acknowledge that risks and dangers exist in my participation in the Sassy Black Woman In Training (SBWIT) program. My participation in such activities may result in injury or illness including but not limited to bodily injury including broken bones, extreme bitchiness, bone fractures, inability to keep opinions to yourself, partial or total paralysis, spontaneous dancing, ghetto fights, eye injury, uncontrollable lip smacking, blindness, broken press-on nails, improper speech, projectile vomiting, explosive diarrhea, ripped out hair weave, heat stroke, neck jerkiness, death or other ailments that could cause serious disability.

These risks and dangers may be caused by negligence of SBWIT trainers or participants, and forces of nature (acts of God). I hereby assume all risks and dangers and all responsibility for losses, damages or injury. I voluntarily agree to release, waive, discharge, hold harmless, defend and indemnify the SBWIT program from any and all claims, actions or losses for bodily injury, property damage, and wrongful death which might arise.

There are 3 SBWIT packages from which you can choose. The beginners package (which is kinda lame - like a kiddie ride), the intermediate package (which provides several "behind the scenes" moments in the world of SBW)...or you can jump right into the hardcore SBW-VIP package. Due to the intense nature of the hardcore program, details will be provided upon registration.

And I'm back in black

A few weeks ago a friend of mine from Vegas came to visit.  After she went back home she sent me a Facebook message and signed off saying, "Stay black."

Which all lead to the following exchange:

Me:  Stay black?  I think I will.  Amazing.

Her:  Being black can also be a state of mind.

Me:  That's why when I leave a room I often say, "I'll be black."

Her:  Ha!  I bet you do.  I think you should start referring to yourself as a black man and see how concerned your family gets.

Me:  I might need some training.  I might have to axe you some questions about how to be a black man.

Her:  Axe away!  Actually, I will train you to be a loud and ghetto black woman.  They really don't put up with people's shit.  Plus, it would be more fun.  You might have to get a hair weave.

Me:  I'd love to be a loud, obnoxious black woman.  I'll start by yelling at the screen in movie theaters.  You can teach me more later.

Her:  That's a great start!  Also, remember to take offense to everything someone says to you.

Me:  I'm offended that you thought you had to tell me to be offended.

Her:  Bitch!  Calm yo black ass down!

Me:  That is absolutely the first time anyone has told me that.  Awesome!  I feel darker already.


It warrants mentioning that she just so happens to be black.  If you can't mock stereotypes, then what's the point?

More on this later.

Don't listen to a word I say

Last week one of my friends had a birthday party. I know her entire family, but don't see them often. When one of her sisters and her family arrived, I asked her eight year old boy if he remembered me. He said he didn't.

Later, while I was sitting on the couch talking to another friend, the eight year old came up to me and said, "I do remember you."

I said, "You do, that surprises me," as he walked away.

The guy I was sitting next to asked, "Why does that surprise you?"

I answered, "I thought I had him drugged better than that."


 Later, that kid's one year old sister came up to me and wanted me to hold her. I carried her around for a while and someone made a comment that I seemed to be really good with kids.

"What, this? Nah. I'm just getting my reps in so in 17 years when she's legal I'll be first in line to date her."


 In other words, don't ever invite me to a party.

That's the way it should be

Things I did last weekend to try and get over being "subdued."

Hiked to a waterfall. No, I didn't propose to anyone there. This time.

Drove to Bear Lake and spent some time on the beach, followed by a raspberry shake before heading back home.

Went on a very hot, very dusty hike to Lake Blanche. Might have done some damage to my knee along the way, but it was still worth it.

Went and looked at dinosaur bones. Didn't see my own there, so I guess I'm doing alright after all.

And of course, I self-medicated with candy. Lots and lots of candy.

No, you can't have any.

Life ain't pretty for a dog-faced boy

A friend from Vegas came up to visit me this weekend. In part so she could escape the heat, and in part to try and cheer me up about things not working out with The Model. We went to breakfast the first morning she was here, and had the following conversation:


Her: I feel like you're a lot more subdued than when you lived in Vegas.

Me: Really? Why do you say that?

Her: I don't know. I just feel like you're an old dog and I'm this annoying little puppy that you just have to kind of tolerate, but at some point you're going to snap and bite me.

Me: Ha ha. Well, if it helps you feel better, I'm in a much better mood than I would be if you hadn't come to visit. Also, I promise I won't bite you.


So there you have it. My blog sucks because I'm a subdued old dog.

There's a vulture at the end of my bed

My boys and I are at my parents for Father's Day weekend.  On the way here, we started telling knock-knock jokes in the car.  Mr M made up one that's entirely inappropriate, so of course, I have to share it.

"Knock knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Your doctor."

"Your doctor, who?"

"You have cancer."


I'm seriously starting to wonder about that kid.

Leavin' without you, can't say no

About a week and a half ago, The Model who I'm not exactly seeing anymore but not exactly NOT seeing anymore was invited to play a show in LA by a musician friend of hers who has been hanging out with her a lot and helping her with her music.

Without going into too many of the details, after their show on Friday he wanted to get a hotel room with her.  She declined.  Apparently she thought they were only friends, but he thought they were more than that.  When she refused to get a room with him, he freaked out, threw her phone, laptop, and money out the window, and sped through downtown LA, running red lights so she couldn't get out of the car.  He then drove her to Sacramento against her will.  Luckily she was able to get away from him eventually and call the police for help.  I shudder to think of other ways it could have ended.

I found out about it the day after he was arrested when she got computer access and emailed me.  She was online later that night, so I was able to chat with her for a bit:

Me:  I'm so sorry that happened to you.  Anything I can do to help?

Her:  Come get me?  Hold me all the way home?

Me:  If you're serious, I'll do it.  I could leave right now and be there by about seven in the morning if I drove all night.

Her:  I couldn't ask you to do that - drive a thousand miles for me.

Me:  I would.  I wouldn't mind.  I wouldn't even make it awkward or abduct you or anything.

Her:  How is that even funny* right now?







*It was totally funny.

I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride it where I like

As promised, here are a few more of the highlights and lowlights of the trip I took through Canyonlands.

Highlights:

- One guy was telling us about how he'd been divorced for three years.  "I guess at some point I need to stop talking about it to everyone and just move on."  The husband of the girl who invited me said, "It's alright.  It happens to the best of us."  I don't know if I've ever seen someone's head whip around as fast as his wife's did at that moment.

- I got to know some work colleagues much better than before, and met some really cool people who were friends with them.  You can't beat spending time with people who all get along and have the same interests.  Too bad the coolest (and perhaps cutest) girl lives in South Carolina.

- On the third day I rode in a tank top to see if I could do something about the terrible farmer's tan I have.  It didn't work.  Instead I just got really dirty, and looked really trashy (thus earning me the nickname Trail Trash).  That same day, two of the girls from camp ended up talking to some people in the camp next to us.  Apparently they described me to two girls there, and they expressed interest in meeting me because I seemed like their kind of guy.  That kind of stuff never happens when I'm camping.  It's good to have wing-women.

- The scenery itself was so incredibly gorgeous.  The pictures don't do it justice (do they ever?).  I wish I could go back.

- Dunking my head in the river just a mile or so before we began our final ascent out of the canyon felt sooooooo soooooo good.  Sometimes, that's the best thing you can do after three days without a shower.

Lowlights:

- The wind.  It was so bad for two and a half straight days.  One of my friends was living in Louisiana when Katrina hit, and she said they were worse than that at times.  If fighting it on the bikes wasn't bad enough, having sand blow across your face all night wasn't much fun either.  It blew so hard for so long that even though it finally died down on the evening of the third day, I still felt like wind was blowing on me the first night I was home in my own bed.  I woke up five times because of the "ghost wind" that night.  It was the weirdest sensation.

- When we were setting up camp the first night, we couldn't get the propane stove to work.  Some of the guys starting manipulating it, and ended up catching a propane can on fire.  The manliest man of the bunch reached in and twisted it off bare-handed, but for a few seconds there I was sure someone was going to lose an eye or a finger or something.  Fortunately, they finally figured out how to get it working.  The lesson?  When you buy a new stove, take it out of the box and set it up before embarking on a four day trip away from civilization.

- Apparently the last people to go to bed on the first night didn't put the fire all the way out.  When the winds really kicked up about 2 a.m., it blew some hot embers into my sleeping bag and caught it on fire.  Not the best way to start out a trip.  Luckily I didn't get burned myself.  That could've ended much, much worse.

- At the very beginning of the trip, like, as soon as I took my bike off the rack, I noticed a hole in the side of my front tire that my inner tube was bubbling out through.  I thought I was screwed from the beginning and wasn't going to get to ride.  One of the girls had some duct tape though, and we were able to reinforce it with that.  Luckily, it held up the entire 100 miles.  Who'd have thought?

- It took three days and many many Q-tips to finally get all the sand out of my ears.  Disgusting.

I'm sure there are things I'm forgetting about.  That's what happens when I wait a week to give you updates.  Oh well.

The sun it don't mean to hurt I guess

You know what I love most about my life?  When someone tells me on Wednesday that I should join them on a trip that lasts Thursday through Sunday, I can go ahead and do it if I want.

One of the other post-docs told me about a mountain biking trip she and some others had planned.  "You should come," she said.

"It sounds like a lot of fun.  Maybe I should."

"Oh, you're coming."

It was settled right then and there.  So, I packed my stuff that night, showed up at her house at 7:30 the next morning, and then we were off.  We drove about four hours to Canyonlands where we picked up the permits she and her husband had applied for a year ago, and then we were on the trail.  Six mountain bikes, two Jeeps loaded up with camping gear, food, etc., and a guy on a motorcycle.  Off on a four day ride along the White Rim Trail.

As you can see, the scenery was fantastic!

On average, we rode 25 miles a day.  We had two and a half days of very strong winds.  Some of the girls were actually blown off of their bikes.  Multiple times.  Luckily, the wind died down on the third day so we didn't have to fight it on the last climb out of the canyon (about 1200 feet in elevation over the course of about a mile and a half).  

At the onset, I wasn't sure I'd be able to ride the entire way, but I knew I had to give it a try.  I made it.  I can't believe I did, but I feel pretty awesome about it.  Of course, then I found out that there are people who do the whole thing in one day, then I didn't feel quite as bad ass.  Whatever.

I didn't tell my boss I was going.  I just told him when I got back.  His response?  "Good.  It sounds like fun."  He's awesome!

I might have some more stories to tell from the trip over the next couple of days.  Stay tuned.

Mama's gonna' keep baby healthy and clean

Here's just one of the many reasons why my mother is awesome:  She makes all the cards she sends out for birthdays, Christmas, etc.  They're fantastic.  Here's the one she made for my birthday last month.

I especially loved the note she wrote inside it.  You can tell by the qualifier she put at the end that she reads my blog =)

I'm posting this early because I don't know if I'll get around to it otherwise, but I just wanted to wish her a happy Mother's Day.  Thanks Mom!  For everything.  I love you. 

Hard on the knees, money in the bank

I'm out of town for the weekend. Again. Trying to do a lot of that these days I guess. The guy whose house I'm staying at is a great host.

 Him: Can I get you anything? Do you want some tacos?

 Me: No thanks. I already ate dinner on the way out.

 Him: Well, do you want something to drink? A beer maybe?

 Me: I'm good, but thank you.

 Him: How about a Vietnamese prostitute?

 Me: If you've got one, that'd be great!



 He didn't really have one handy :(

So I'll dig it up and bury it in the ground

One more story from my camping trip to the desert a couple of weeks ago.  We were out trying to catch lizards and snakes if we could find them, and my friend started talking about how we probably wouldn't see any rattlesnakes because people tend to kill them when they see them. 

"Which is kind of ridiculous when you think about it.  A lot of people you talk to about it will say they know someone who's been bit or whose kid has been bit.  Especially in the mid-west.  But if you look into it, there are actually very few documented cases of snake bites in the U.S., and even fewer deaths."

Later that afternoon he said he was bummed out that he hadn't seen any rattlesnakes.

I facetiously said, "I'm glad they've all been killed off.  I used to have six kids.  Now I have three.  Lost three to snake-bites.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to bury a toddler?"

He answered, "It can't be that hard.  I'd think about three or four shovelfuls ought to do the trick."

I've got friends in all the right places, I know what they want and I know they don't want me to stay

When we were coming home from the desert last weekend, my friend's check engine light came on just as we passed through a small town.  Being a Sunday afternoon, there wasn't any repair shop open, but he didn't feel comfortable pushing on to the next town and risking doing further damage to his vehicle, so we opted to stay the night so we could have it looked at in the morning.  After looking around town to see what our options were, we decided to rent a cabin at a campground in town.  There wasn't much to it, just a queen sized bed, some bunk beds, and an air conditioner.  It was good enough.

At one point, my friend looked at his lady friend and said, "What are we going to do tonight when we're having sex and [Minnow] is going to be right there?  You're going to have to keep it quiet."

She got really embarrassed.

I said, "You can be quiet or you can be loud, it won't matter to me.  I'll have my ear buds in."

"Are you serious?" she asked.

I answered, "Yeah.  That way I won't be able to hear it when you guys tell me to stop masturbating while I watch you."