Well we knew we had the good things but those never seemed to last

Speaking of Kids in the Hall, we used to watch it all the time when I was in high school. Usually at Flieswithoutwings' house. Anyway, while I'm getting all nostalgic, here are a few more of my favorite clips (sorry, but I couldn't find the one with Rooster Boy, sausages or the squirrel toupee).

Asleep on the Job


Trappers


Painting a Chair


My Pen


Hangin’ Tough


Ok, so I put the last one on there just to see who's still paying attention.

When we become what we're running from

I don't own a set of scales. As a guy, I'm generally not obsessed with my weight, but perhaps I should be. Lately I've been noticing that I'm getting softer around the middle. This is disturbing for someone who has always been thin. At first I was able to rationalize it by saying that I was just getting to where I should be, but now it's gone a bit past that. Not enough that my pants won't fit or anything, but enough that my brother cracked a joke about it at our family reunion last month. I deserved it. I've certainly cracked enough jokes about him in the past. The point is, I can't justify it any longer. I need to do something about it. However, I haven't been doing a very good job of that lately. I'm pretty sure that a day when I consume a package of powder donuts, some Pop Tarts, a candy bar, a bag of Cheetos, a Gatorade and an Arby's Beef 'n Cheddar, complete with large curly fries and a large chocolate shake, isn't going to help matters any.

I'm going to end up with a Kids in the Hall gut.

If you don't know what a Kids in the Hall gut looks like, well, you're in luck. Just watch the video clip below.

While we're on the subject can we change the subject now?

One last thing about my trip to British Columbia, and then I'll move on to other things. I swear. I don't know if it's because of the lower speed limit (100 km/hr = 62 mi/hr) or what, but it seemed to me that there was a lot less road kill along their highways. That said, I'd sure hate to be the person who hit the moose I saw dead on the side of the road. I'm pretty sure that could mess up your vehicle. Oddly enough, that was the only moose I saw the entire trip. I figured I'd see some because they have these signs posted everywhere.

I know the signs had me on extra alert, but obviously it didn't work for whoever hit the dead one. Maybe it's because he saw one of the newer, artsy moose crossing signs instead.

Of course, that doesn't really look like a moose, so maybe the person didn't see the moose standing in the road because they were on the lookout for one of these instead.

One thing I find interesting is the different animal crossing signs you see in different parts of North America. I saw a caribou crossing sign in B. C., but didn't take a picture of it since it was dark and I figured I'd see more (I didn't). I know they have armadillo crossing signs in Texas and Oklahoma, but I'm not sure anything is quite as odd as the ones they have in southern California.

Nothing's prettier than a pretty girl digging a heart shaped hole in the ground

Girl: Don't do that.
Me: Ok. I'd hate for you to feel the need to kick my ass.
Girl: I wouldn't do that.
Me: Yeah, but you probably know people who could. You could probably even call them up and say, "I need your help. Get a hole ready for me out in the desert."
Girl: I wouldn't do that to you.
Me: Good. I don't want to be buried in the desert.
Girl: Ok. It'll be in the forest then.

I'm ok with that, as long is it's someplace that looks like this:


















And for a closer look:

Where have all the friends gone?

On my way back from British Columbia, I stopped in Seattle to spend a little time with one of my best friends from high school. He and I haven't seen each other in eight years, and since I was four days ahead of schedule (my trip went better than planned, even though I forgot to sacrifice a virgin to the volcano gods before I left. Hey, you try finding a virgin in Las Vegas. And a volcano for that matter.) I decided to stay there for a day. It was great to catch up. What I found was that he and I have lived very different lives.

Here are a few examples:

• He has lived in 39 different countries. I have lived in three states.
• He goes fishing for King Salmon in Canada on weekends. I blog.
• He makes a lot of money. I make $600 a year.
• He rides a Ducati. I drive a Sentra.
• He has hung out with the Maloof brothers. I've watched a movie in their casino.
• He has slept with a lot of gorgeous women. I haven't.
  

Even with those differences, hanging out with him was just like old times.

Him: I'm going to take you to one of the swankiest night spots in Seattle.
Me: Sounds good, but I don't have anything to wear.
Him: You will in a second. Here, put this on. It's a $200 t-shirt.
Me: Ok. Wow, it's tight. I think you can see my nipples.
Him: It's supposed to be tight. Here, let me see. You look gay. Perfect, let's go.


When we reached our destination he started complaining that it was mostly guys in the crowd. It was a total sausagefest, but there were at least a few attractive ladies.

Me: Well, that lady over there is pretty cute.
Him: Yeah, but she's got the ass of a twelve year old boy. I like it!


We got bored of that place after a while, then he and his friends decided we should hit another place just down the street. As we were walking he lit up a cigarette (Seattle has a ban on indoor smoking).


His Friend: Do you have any more cigarettes?
Him: Why yes, yes I do.


He then proceeded to take cigarettes out of the pack one at a time, throw them on the ground and stomp on them. It cracked me up. Mostly because I knew that's what his reaction would be even before he acted.


The next morning as he was leaving for work he told me to just lock everything up when I left.


Him: Like I told you yesterday, I'm leaving town for the weekend, but if you want to stick around another couple of days, the apartment is yours. It's a pretty nice bachelor pad for you to bring girls back to. I mean, look at that. Girls take their panties off when they see that view. It's automatic.

I should have taken him up on that!

Here's the view from his apartment:

Here's the view from my room:

Little Boy Blue and the Man 'n the Moon

I got a chance to visit my kids on the way to Canada, and on the way back. In fact, on the way up I spent the first night at their house, but felt that I had to get up early the next morning to make up for the time I spent with them. I left their house at 5 a.m., so obviously they were all asleep, but I went and told them all goodbye anyway. They all mumbled some sleepy goodbyes, but perhaps the cutest one came from my four year old.

Me: Goodbye [son]. I love you.
Him: I love you too.
Me: I love you more.
Him: I love you more.
Me: I love you most.
Him: I love you moster.

He wins. It's impossible to beat "moster."

Every highway that I go down seems to be longer than the last one I knew about

Got a minute? Good! Have a seat and I'll share a few random thoughts and observations I had while I was on my trip:

• I am amazed by the number of drivers that obey the speed limit.
• This is either the cheapest or most expensive hotel room I've ever had. I'm not sure which.
• I don't know how anyone can afford to drive an SUV. That said, anybody who wants to gain my undying affection can buy me a Toyota Highlander and they will have it.
• Pretty much the only thing I saw while driving across southern Idaho was volcanic rock, sagebrush and potatoes, thus lending support to Maddox's claim.
• Even if it is your name, you should try to come up with a better company slogan than "R. C. Worst Co. - Expect the Best from Worst."
• Does anyone stop and read historical markers along highways? Didn't think so.
• Blow up doll + Rope + Road sign = Hilarious!
• Sandpoint, ID was very disappointing this time through.*
• It is extremely difficult to convert kilometers to miles in your head. Luckily, I had a built in conversion table. (This was probably the first time I've ever paid attention to the little numbers on the speedometer.)
• For a country that uses the metric system, there are sure a lot of places in British Columbia that are named using the English system (e.g., 16 mile lake, 70 mile roadhouse, etc.).
• British Columbia has a lot of hitchhikers on its highways, but all of them are dudes. That's probably because any attractive female hitchhikers get picked up immediately.
• Signs on public restrooms are a bit more graphic in British Columbia than they are in Las Vegas. This seriously cracked me up (enough that I walked several hundred yards to the vehicle and back, just so I could take the picture):

• Enough bugs on a windshield can look like a deer on the side of the road.
• Enough rain can wash all the bugs off a windshield without the driver having to do a single thing.
• I don't get to drive down roads like this often enough:
  
• August 11 is too early to be driving through snow!
• Seriously, what are Canadian geese doing in Canada?
• Ryan Adams' new album Easy Tiger isn't as bad as I initially thought.
• It must be some kind of rule that if you're Mennonite you have to drive a navy blue colored vehicle.
• It's easy to win a cheesy fingers contest when you've got the whole bag of Cheetos to yourself.
• The time to start wondering whether your rental vehicle has all the components necessary to change a tire is not right after you've blown a tire on a remote, unmaintained Forest Service road, in bear country, at dusk.**
• The most optimal place for a road closed sign is NOT 85 km down a road that is only 87 km long. Especially when that road is a remote, unmaintained Forest Service road in bear country.
• Vancouver is my new favorite city, but it's not easy to navigate solo. (I'm sure the fact that I missed my exit had absolutely nothing to do with the blonde woman driving next to me in a sporty little red car.)
• A bag of Riesen's candies should last longer than twenty minutes, but doesn't.
• Canadian customs officials are all nice.*** United States customs officials are assholes.
• I would marry Aimee Mann for her voice.
• After going nine days without a shower, you still feel clean as a whistle after only going three.
• Stinging nettle really does sting!
• There is absolutely no reason for any public restroom to still be using bar soap, and even less reason for there to be pubic hair stuck to a bar of soap in a public restroom! (I'm talking to you gas station in Redding, CA.)
• Does anyone ever use the O/D Off button?
• I may need a lesson in stopping to smell the roses because I was seven miles from Crater Lake and didn't drive there to have a look.
• If you get pulled over for speeding while on an Indian reservation, will the penalty include scalping?
• The universe may have been trying to tell me something when I drove through Whiskeytown while listening to Whiskeytown (purely by coincidence).
• I'm not sure there's anything in the world that tickles as much as a bug flying up your nose.
• I'm thinking about changing study organisms to a species of fish that's a lot easier to catch, and tastes a lot better too: (The best part about this picture is that you can see how fast I'm going while one hand is filled with Swedish fish and the other is snapping a picture of it. I'm such a safe driver!)
• This song makes me a little teary eyed every time I hear it.
• I may have single handedly kept the bottled water industry afloat (bonus points to anyone who can spot the two bottles of flavored beverages I drank on the trip).
  
• I have peed in enough forest that, according to the rules of the animal kingdom, the southern half of British Columbia is now mine.
• I don't wake up in places that look like this anywhere near often enough!

*The first time I drove through Sandpoint, there were women in bikinis on every street corner. That's not an exaggeration. This time through? Not a single one.

** After fixing the tire, I drove about two miles down the road and saw a bear.

*** Even with their beady eyes and flapping heads.

I want you to notice when I'm not around

For those of you who are still checking in, I made it back safely. The trip was great. I got all the samples I needed, and got to see some beautiful scenery along the way. A lot of beautiful scenery (and some not so beautiful, but who am I to complain?).

I also saw a bear in the wild for the first time in my life (at least that I can remember). I saw the first one about two hours after I crossed the border, and ended up seeing five total. Six if you count the one that was made out of sheet metal, but I probably can't count that.

Anyway, after driving 6747 miles in two weeks, you'd think that I'd be saying things like, "Wow, I've really missed being home. It's sure good to be back."

But I'm not.

Instead, I'm finding myself saying things like, "Why does it feel as though there's a blast furnace blowing on my face?" or "Why doesn't that lake over there have any water in it?" or "Why did I just bet $1000 on the hand when the dealer got blackjack?" or "Why isn't that girl wearing any clothes?"

On second thought, maybe it is good to be back.

More later.

If you tell me that you'll wait for me I'll say I won't be here

I'm leaving for Canada first thing in the morning. I'll be running around British Columbia for the next two weeks. I'm not going to have a computer with me, nor will I be in areas where I expect there to be easy internet access anyway, so obviously I won't be posting during that time. Try not to miss me too much.

I'm going to need you to keep an eye on the internet for me while I'm away. If you can promise to do that, I'll promise to do my best not to get eaten by a bear.

Deal?

Deal!

See you when I get back.

Mr. Ambulance Driver

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to become cranky when you've got an empty stomach? Sure you have. I mean, one third of the children in sub-Saharan Africa are malnourished, and just look at how cranky people are in that part of the world.

However, this phenomenon does not occur only in third world countries but also here in the good old U. S. of A. For example, the other day a friend and I were on our way to lunch and we ended up stopped in traffic even though the light ahead of us was green. I wondered aloud why the idiots in front of me weren't moving. Then I heard sirens and saw an ambulance enter the intersection in front of us. This prompted my friend to grumble, "Stupid ambulance. I wonder if they realize that the word ambulance comes from the latin ambulare which means to walk. They should walk their asses to the hospital so I don't have to wait any longer for lunch."

My sentiments exactly!

Don't make me a target

I'm not quite sure what it is about me, but I always seem to get caught up in very random and perverted conversations. Maybe it's the fact that I'm a pervert. Sometimes the perversion is my fault. Other times, I'm just an innocent bystander in a perversion drive-by. I swear, it just seeks me out. Take the other day for example. I was talking with a couple of people I work with, and somehow we got on the topic of herpes.

Guy 1: Everyone has herpes.
Me: Not me. Maybe everyone else. I've never even had a cold sore.
Guy 1: That doesn't matter. There are like 12 different strains. Everybody has at least one of them.
Me: Well, which one do you have?
Guy 2: Whichever one comes from having dick on dick sex.

(See? Drive-by.)

Guy 1 (still trying to make his point): Have you ever had mono? That's a type of herpes.
Me (sticking to my ridiculous claim): Well, how could I have had mono then? I've never had herpes.
Guy 1: Do you breathe?
Guy 2: Your lungs are made of herpes.
Guy 1: Have you ever had tartar on your teeth? That's herpes.
Guy 2: Do you use tartar control Crest? I do. I use it because I don't want tartar totally eliminated, I just want to keep it under control.

Extreme ways are back again

I saw The Bourne Ultimatum yesterday. If you're wondering whether or not it lives up to the previous two installments, the answer is yes. If you're not wondering that, then don't read that last sentence.

As could be expected, the movie was sold out and the theater was packed. I arrived about 45 minutes early and it still took a while to get a decent seat. There were only two empty seats in the portion of the theater where I like to sit, and I took one of them, leaving the one next to me empty. It didn't stay empty for too long. About five minutes before the movie started, a married couple came in, and the wife ended up taking the seat next to me.

Now, I prefer not to sit next to people when I go to movies, but that's just because I hate people in general and don't want to be near them. It's also because if I'm not sitting by anyone then I don't have to hear someone's running commentary of the movie. For example, yesterday the woman to my right stated to noone in particular, "I really don't like that S.O.B." I wanted to lean over to her and say, "Oh really? You don't like the bad guy of the film? Do you think that might have anything to do with the directing? You're not supposed to like the bad guy! That's why he's the bad guy! Getting you to hate him is the whole point of the script. That way you don't get upset if/when he gets killed at the end." I didn't though.

Having said all that, I realize that it's inevitable that I'm going to have deal with sitting right next to people when I go see a highly anticipated film on opening weekend. The part that annoyed me about the couple that came in after I did was that I was asked if I wouldn't mind moving to an empty seat near the front of the theater so that they could sit together. Well, it turned out that I would mind. You see, it turns out that somehow I managed to make it to the theater early enough to pick the seat that I was in. I picked that seat because I don't like to sit too close to the screen, which is precisely why I make it a point to get to the theater early, so that I don't have to. Next time, plan ahead.

Ok, rant over. Now I just have to ask one question. If there was a cage match between Jason Bourne, James Bond and Jack Bower, who would win? My money's on Jason Bourne.

You and me, me and you, if that's what you're into

If you haven't been watching The Flight of the Conchords on HBO then shame on you. Here's a look at some of what you've been missing.

If you’re into it:


Roll of Tape:



Albi the Racist Dragon:

I can see you in the window of your favorite corner bar, but to reach you is just too far

Occasionally a person comes across an idea that is not their own, but is just too good to not try and pass it off as their own. Now is one of those times. I'm the one doing the swiping. Mostly* because this new item is going to be a big hit with frat boys everywhere, and thus has the potential to make me rich.

People, now is the time for you to open up your wallets so that you can purchase your very own pair of Poonoculars^TM! What exactly are Poonoculars^TM you ask? Poonoculars^TM are a very special brand of binoculars** which are used for the sole purpose of checking out women. Get yours today!

Once you've made your purchase, your life as a lecherous human being will be improved a hundredfold. You'll be able to take your Poonoculars^TM to the beach. Take them to the pool. Or to the high rise next to your neighborhood modeling agency. Hell, you can even take your Poonoculars^TM with you to work (this works especially well if you work on, or near, a college campus, or next door to a hospital full of naughty nurses). Just make sure that you don't leave your Poonoculars^TM out after hours or the custodians might be tempted to swipe them.***





* Also because the friend who brought me AIDS back from Mexico doesn't have a blog, so there's no other way to pass his hilarious term on to you.

** The idea's obviously been around for a while. I have a friend who used to have a third floor apartment right above his complex's swimming pool, so he kept a pair on the living room window sill. But the terminology wasn't right for mass marketing. Until now.

*** Because after all, custodians like to ogle women too.

Where mission bells used to ring

Friend 1: How was Mexico?
Friend 2: It was fun.
Friend 1: I had a dream about you. I've been waiting for you to get back so that I could tell you about it. You guys were in your office, and you had all your bags with you. Why? I don't know, but you opened one of them up and there was this glow coming out of it. You reached in and pulled out a Virgin Mary lollipop that was whiter than the purest snow. They may have been chocolate, but it was definitely on a stick. It was a short dream.
Friend 2: That really happened.
Me: So, if he got a Virgin Mary sucker, then what did you bring me?
Friend 2: AIDS.
Me: Wow! Can you show me where you're keeping it.
Friend 2: I'll give it to you later.