When the last king of Hollywood shatters his glass on the floor

Last week while administering an exam, I got a phone call from one of my friends. Obviously I didn't answer. A few minutes later I got another call. Then a text. I figured it must be important, so I took my phone out of my pocket to see what was going on. Turned out that they had a suite at Planet Hollywood for the weekend, but weren't going to be able to use it that night. They wanted to know if I wanted it. Of course I did, because, hey, free suite.

It turned out to be the Sharon Stone suite, with a bunch of memorabilia from various movies starring her. There were a bunch of pictures of her on the walls, outfits she'd worn in various movies displayed in huge cases around the suite, and coffee tables/end tables with glass tops and props from her movies, including her cigarette case, the ice pick, the lie detector machine, etc. from Basic Instinct. It was kind of cool.

I took a bunch of pictures, but something was wrong with the lighting in the room, my camera, or both, so none of them turned out and you're going to have to take my word for it since the pics below don't do it justice. Which is a shame, because as I texted my friend upon my arrival, there were so many nice surfaces, I wouldn't even begin to know which one to first snort my coke off of.

Anyway, here are the few that actually look decent:
The bed:


The nightstand (aka, coke snorting surface number three):


The view the next morning (because the really cool night shots were all blurry):


Memorabilia table (aka, coke snorting surface number one)


Also unfortunately, I spent the night alone. I told a friend the next morning that if there was ever a room for housekeeping to enter only to find my dead body slumped over a pile of cocaine, or naked in the closet with a belt around my neck, that would've been the room.

Ah, missed opportunities.

And the wise man said I don't wanna hear your voice

Friend: I just got a text that said "are you a guy?"

Me: From who? And are you?

Friend: From an unknown number. I said, "yes, who is this?" and they said, "a girl - how old are you?" How does someone get my number?

Me: I don't know. I mean, I spray painted it on the wall in the locker room at like three local high schools, but I don't know.

And I believe there's a way to describe the silence as a sound

I've compiled another music mix for my your listening pleasure. Check it out. These only show up here once every six months or so.

Just One In A Billion(click to download)
1. Bad Sun - The Bravery
2. Lover's Waltz - A.A. Bondy
3. Keep It Clean - Camera Obscura
4. Long Time - Deer Tick
5. Pavement Tune - The Frames
6. Flashing Red Light Means Go - The Boxer Rebellion
7. So Lonely - The Whigs
8. Sirens - The Whip
9. Poised And Ready - Brendan Benson
10. Apple Trees - Eels
11. Sabali (Paul Epworth Remix) - Amadou and Mariam

Enjoy!

Kinda hard to blame somebody for goin' to a better place

Most of my friends are out of town this weekend. That makes for a boring Friday night. So, I did what I usually do when I'm alone and bored - I went for a drive. I drove across Hoover Dam to Arizona so I could go down by the banks of the Colorado River. It's been a while since I've been near flowing water. It relaxes me. I should do it more often.

On the way back I had to stop at a police checkpoint. They stop everyone to inspect their vehicles to make sure nothing's suspicious looking before allowing people to cross the dam. As I pulled up to the officer, he told me to roll down my window so he could see inside my car. Just then the song Paradise Blues by Eels came on the stereo.

Scary little suicide bomber
On her way to paradise
Gonna take yourself and be with her
Killin' once and killin' twice

Not exactly the best timing.

But still it's been written, a history of lovers, given and taken in ink

My ex-wife called the other day to let me know that Togers was the recipient of the "loverboy" award at his end of year band concert.

She told me that his teacher said he probably would've gone out with more girls, but there weren't any he hadn't already dated.

This is what I want to do to him* for not sharing his secrets with his old man.










*Not really, but kinda

We haven't met and that's okay

On the first day of my summer class, I was going down the roster to see who was in attendance to find out if I had extra room for a few people who were trying to add. When I got to the 'M's, one student's last name was Montana.

Me (after calling out their name): Any relation to Hannah?

Student: No, but Joe is my uncle.

Me: Really?

Student: No.

The most disturbing thing about this exchange was this: Why wasn't Joe Montana the first celebrity to pop into my mind?

Box full of letters - 7

Dear Smart Car Drivers,

I admire what you're doing for the planet by driving cars that get a godzillion miles to the gallon. That said, I'd like to offer you a word of advice: You should refrain from getting a vanity plate* that makes it seem as though you're trying to look tough.



You're driving a smart car. You're not tough. It's okay that you're not tough, but you're not. Your vanity plate should read something like TRE HGR or something instead.

Much love,

Native Minnow







*If, however, this plate isn't about looking tough, but is referring to your favorite activity**, then please disregard this.

**But that's pretty gay if that's the case.

Every breath you take

Tonight I went with a friend to get dinner and watch basketball. He dropped me off at my car when we were finished. As we pulled up I noticed a piece of paper under the windshield wiper.

I said, "That had better not be a flier from somebody. If it is I'm going to be pissed. I hate those things."

My friend asked, "What else would it be?"

"It had better be a note from my stalker."

It was.

There's an eventual release from every scale of crime

Yesterday afternoon I got a text from my ex-wife. It said, "Just told [Mr M] to go sit on his bed until he does what he was told. He replied, 'I am gonna be sitting there forever 'cause I am not going to do it.'"

Almost immediately after that I got a second text from her saying, "Well, it took less than five minutes for him to get sick of his room so he did it. So now you know, forever equals five minutes to [Mr M]."

Shock the monkey

Contender for worst children's book ever:



Even worse is that it was in a college book store.

Tell me it's not just me that thinks so, but at least it wasn't 'Choke the Chicken.'

So you can take this cookie, and stick it up your . . . yeah

Yesterday, while at the grocery store with a friend, I found some cookies that looked pretty good. My friend said that she probably shouldn't eat one because she's trying to lose weight, but then read the label and said that she'd have to try at least one because they were "enrobed in chocolate."

When we got to the check out line, a man brought a few items to hand to the woman in front of us. He held up a package of cookies and she said no. He said, "please?" but she still said no. Dejectedly, he handed her whatever she'd sent him to get, and walked back to the cookie aisle to put them back.

The cashier finished up with them, and then grabbed my things to scan.

My friend said, "No cookies. No." Basically to make fun of the woman in front of us.

The cashier looked at her and laughed.

My friend said, "I'm just kidding. I don't own him like that."

I said, "I'm probably not going to share my cookies with you anyway."

"That's okay. Maybe I don't want them. Your cookies are 'enrobed' in sin."

I turned to the cashier and said, "That's the best way to be enrobed."

She blushed. Understandable, since she had no idea what the 'enrobed' joke was about anyway.

When I came here today, all I wanted to say was how much I miss you

Just wanted to take a second to let the people of the internets know that I have the most awesome mother in the entire world.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

This could be your lucky day in Hell

Last night I had plans with Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend. She had a final exam in the evening, and said she'd call me when she finished.

I got an email from her in the middle of the day stating that she didn't have her phone, so she'd just come over to my house after she was done. I emailed her back to say that would be perfect (since I wanted to watch the NBA playoffs anyway).

Later in the evening, I logged in to facebook and saw that she'd changed her status to "I think I may get lucky tonight."

Imagine my disappointment when I realized that I forgot to give her the new gate code to my neighborhood, and couldn't call to let her know.

I'll never look down again, again

Earlier this week:

Ex-wife: Hi. I need you to talk to your son. He got in trouble on the playground today.

Me: Okay. Put him on.

Mr M: Hi Dad.

Me: Hi dude. Your mom said you got in trouble at school today.

Mr M: Yeah. I did.

Me: What did you do?

Mr M: I called a girl a midget.

Me: Why did you do that?

Mr M: Because she is.

At least he's penitent. Oh, wait.