She's got hands like a man's with hair on the back

I lost my Swiss Army key-chain knife a few weeks ago. To most of you this wouldn't be a big deal, but you see, it's how I trim my nails. Finger and toe. I also have crooked toes. Crooked toes and long toe nails are not a good combination for me because that's when a few of my toenails try to become ingrown. So last night I got a pedicure in an attempt to curb the ingrowingness of some of my toenails.

While getting my toes worked on, a tall women with enormous breasts walked in to get her nails done. Or so I thought. When "she" opened her mouth to tell the nail person what "she" wanted, it was a voice that was way too low to be a woman's. At that point I felt a little dirty for admiring "her" breasts. But who am I to judge? After all, I was in a nail salon getting a pedicure.

When I went up to the front counter to pay, the tranny looked at me and asked, "So what color did you get?"

"No color."

"You didn't opt for glittery nails? Or maybe something army green?"

"Nope."

"Did you like it?"

"I did."

"Isn't she amazing?"

"She is*. I'll probably have to come back on a more regular basis."

"I like a man who takes care of his feet."

"Not many do. Have a nice day."

Once again, I didn't get a number.








*The lady who gave me the pedicure was hot too - I couldn't help but think naughty things while she was massaging my feet.

A question of trust

Girl: So let me get this straight. He felt like it was his fault that happened, even though it was his wife that did it?

Me: Yeah.

Girl: Because his wife's actions are somehow his fault?

Me: Yeah.

Girl: How does that make sense?

Me: It's simple. Bitches can't be trusted to make their own decisions*.







*I thought I was being hilarious. I'm not sure she agreed.

So how you wanna kick it? Gonna kick it root down.

Are you as surprised as I am that not one student this week made an inappropriate comment about this root tip model?



Root tip indeed.

I am not your broom

I overheard a conversation about the Olympics yesterday.

Woman: Of all the sports, why is curling divided into men's and women's? Doesn't that seem like one they could have be co-ed? There's no advantage to being big and strong.

Man: Well, they use those brooms to sweep the ice, don't they?

Woman: Yeah, but I don't think strength gives men much advantage there.

Man: No, the advantage goes the other way because women have so much more experience using a broom. That's all.

Free like a bird, yet I don't fly much

Friend: Come on, [Husband] and I are ready. Let's go.

Me: I'm not ready to go yet.

Friend: Alright, I see you checking out that girl's cleavage, Dr. Douche.

Me: I'm Dr. Do Whatever I Want.

Friend: So why don't you go over there and talk to her?

Me: Yeah, that's not happening.

Friend: Well, until you do that, you're Dr. Douche.

Dig him up and shake his hand, appreciate the man

A little over a week ago I went to Chipotle with a friend of mine for lunch. We ordered our food, and as we went to sit at a table, a Korean guy walked up to my friend, looked at him for a second, and said, "Where you been, Mothaaaafuckaaaaa?"

Turned out he was the sushi chef at the place my friend always used to go with his ex-girlfriend. My friend introduced us, then they sat and talked for about five minutes. The sushi chef invited him to come back to the restaurant.

"I miss you. All of us miss you. You come back next week, okay?"

My friend said, "Okay. I'll come by next Thursday."

On Wednesday my friend texted me: What time are you done teaching?

I don't know, probably around eight, why?

We should go get sushi. It'll be my treat.

Okay. I can't turn an offer like that down. But don't expect me to put out later.

Alright, I won't. Let me know when you're done, and I'll meet you there.

Sounds good.

The reception my friend got at the sushi restaurant was like nothing I've ever seen before. The hostess saw him first (obviously) and said, "What happened? I know! You two broke up! Good to see you again!"

Then the sushi chef saw him and yelled out, "HEY!!! Look who it is! But today's not Thursday. I woke up today and was so sad that I had to wait another day to see you, but here you are. Good to see you!"

I kid you not, every single person who worked there came up to him that night to welcome him back and tell him how much they missed him. Even the owner. We got free sushi. My friend got free sake. You'd think he was some sort of a celebrity. I guess he and his girlfriend went there a LOT. It was a very surreal experience. We even tried two rolls that my friend had "created" with the sushi chef. They were delicious.

A few of the employees apologized for not recognizing him sooner, but said it was because he was there with me instead of his ex. Every single one of them had to talk about her, and how they'd seen her since, but not him, and how they liked him better.

The next day he asked me what I thought about the place while we were eating lunch.

"Well, apparently you're a friendly son-of-a-bitch away from campus. Everybody loves you there."

"I must be. It was good to see all those guys again. I'll need to go back on a semi-regular basis."

"Yeah, you should. Let me know. I'll go back. [The chef] was out of control, but it was fun. I still can't get over how much everyone there seemed to love you."

"That was nice. It was funny who even the ones who didn't recognize me at first came over to talk."

"They just didn't recognize you because you weren't there with . . . some bitch." (I forgot that he doesn't like to use the names of ex-girlfriends until I was almost through the sentence.)

My friend eyed the table next to us (which happened to be full of women) nervously. "Could you say that a little louder?"

"What? If I say it with a smile on my face it's not derogatory."

Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort

A little while ago Togers updated his facebook status: What would you do if I joined a gang? Became Straight Edge? Joined a band? Got five inch gauges? These are all very important questions.

Being the good father that I am, I commented that I would kick his butt if he did any of those other than join a band.

Then he asked, "What if it was a Straight Edge band?"

Then his mom chimed in:
Way to stick it to the man dumb butt. Why dont you start wearing a cross and saying hail marys too? Oh, I've got one! How about this? Maybe you should not worry bout living up to any kind of standard and just live your pathetic life? How about that? Or do you need to be a part of some kind of group to feel special? Oh. Ok, then I support you! :)

She followed that up with a second comment: And by pathetic I mean really, really, really pathetic :)

The next time I talked to Togers on the phone, I told him that I thought his mom's comments were hilarious. He did too. Then I said, "You should tell your mom to be careful though. We both know she was joking, but someone else could see that and think she was cyberbullying you. They prosecute people for that. Like that lady they tried for cyberbullying that girl who ended up killing herself. In fact, you know what you could do if you really wanted to get your mom in trouble? You could totally slit your wrists tonight and leave a note saying it was because of her comments."

He laughed and said, "Yeah. But I probably wouldn't even need to leave anything about cyberbullying in the note. I'm pretty sure I could ruin her day just by trying to kill myself."

"Yeah, you're probably right. It'd ruin my day too. So, as your father, let me go ahead and say this: If you kill yourself tonight I'm totally going to kick your butt."

This door swings both ways

Girl: Are you teaching any classes other than this in the near future?

Me: Probably not.

Girl: That's too bad. Your lectures are good.

Me: How would you know?

Girl: I took your class last summer.

Me: You did? Why don't I remember you?

Girl: I don't know. I sat by [Girl 1] and [Girl 2]. I always sat on the left.

Me: I remember both of them. But I don't remember you. You must've been quiet.

Girl: Of course I was quiet. It's not like I'm going to interrupt lecture.

Me: Well, a lot of times people come up before or after and ask me things. You never asked me any questions.

Girl: I never had any.

Me: Well, that's probably why I don't remember you*.

Girl: That's okay. I forgot your name.








*Which is really weird, because she's hot.

One for each other and all for one, the three brave amigos are we

This is the clip that contains the saying I kept joking about using to answer questions from my committee members during my dissertation defense.

Turn around, turn around, there's a thing there that can be found, turn around, turn around, it's a human skull on the ground

I was walking in one of the buildings on campus the other day when I saw a professor from my department carrying a small skull.

Me: Dude*, what's going on?

Him: Just trying to get a little head**.







*Got to show the proper levels of respect.

**As you can see, I'm not the only one who likes to keep it classy around here.

There weren't no chocolates, no pretty flowers

Last night my friends and I went to try out a new restaurant, Herbs & Rye. The food was fantastic. The overall feel was like a step back to the time of Prohibition. If you live in Las Vegas, or are in town for a visit, I'd highly recommend it. But since I'm not a food critic, that's not the real point of the post.

After dinner, my friends wanted to go sit at the bar for a drink (apparently this place makes amazing cocktails - I can't say for certain since I don't drink, but I can say that they looked like they'd be good). Everything was freshly made, and they had unique glasses for each individual drink. The owner and bartender take their spirits seriously. It was really cool to watch them work. But again, I digress.

There were a few attractive girls sitting by us, and the owner of the place asked one of them (the one I thought was the prettiest) if she had any plans for Valentine's Day.

"Well, let's see, I'm going to wake up and rub one out, drink a bottle of wine, then go to work drunk and see if I can get fired from my job."

The owner looked at me and said, "Did you hear what she just said?"

"Yeah, I heard." Then I smiled at her.

She smiled back at me and said, "Now don't be jealous."

"I have to admit, I am a little jealous. Sounds like it'll be better than my Valentine's Day."

Big girls, they don't cry-y-y

And while I've just resorted to showing YouTube clips here in The Shallows, check this one out (thanks Daisy):



While we're on the subject of fat girls, I'm just going to go ahead and call 'not it.'

He was a skater boy

Mr M showcasing his mad skateboarding skillz

Coming down from my siamese dream

The first week of classes this semester:

Me: I have two sets of identical twins in the same class section. What are the odds of that?

Friend: Are they two sets of hot Japanese girls?

Me: Um. No.

Friend: Well then are they siamese hermaphrodites ready to fulfill your wildest fantasies?

Me: It appears that your wildest fantasies are much different than mine.

Friend: Perhaps.

And I believe there's a way to describe the silence as sound

Today I accidentally hit the 'notes' button on my ipod touch, and saw a few notes my kids wrote while we were en route to my grandmother's funeral in December.

Like this one from Tortellini:

Hi Dad you suck. Just saying. I hope you never get this because you're such a butt face. And I can't believe I have to sit here next to you on this ten hour road trip. You suck, you suck, you suck. Even [Togers] and [Mr M] think so but they won't say anything because they're too chicken. Also, they don't have the itouch. Because I am cool so I get to choose the music. And you're not cool, because you're a loser. And now we're listening to "Know Your Enemy" by Rage Against The Machine. Do you want to know why I chose this song? Because I know my enemy, and it's you. So shut up. Oh yeah, and the real reason [Mr M] has to pee every ten minutes is because I'm giving him super pee drinks. Bye.

And this one from Togers:

Hi Dad, it's [Togers]. I just thought I'd let you know that you are a butt. Not a butthead, a butt, because butts don't have heads. And just by the way, you aren't fooling anyone, we all know that you are a dinosaur. If I had a dog that was as ugly as you I'd shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards. So shut up you buttface. Go poop your pants or something.

But this one was my favorite:

RAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bahahaha I know I scared you ;)

I miss my little brats.

Goddamn, I miss that girl

I hate you, talking to myself, everybody's staring at me

Those of you who are on facebook know that just about everybody has been posting pictures of their celebrity doppelgangers. Mine was a no brainer.



But hands down, the one that caught me the most off guard was posted by one of my friends (who happens to be white).



That picture is wrong on so many levels. I shouldn't have laughed, but I did.

I need a mother, I'm sorry but it's true

Last Friday one of my friends asked if I was going to go to a departmental party. I told him that I wasn't because I'd forgotten about it, and had already told some people I'd meet up with them.

Friend: Oh really? Who?

Me: Your mom. We're going to hook up later.

Friend: You obviously haven't seen my mom. I'll show you some pictures and we'll put an end to this business right now.

Me: Maybe, but she'd be fine after a few drinks.

Later in the evening, once the departmental party was winding down, he texted my other friend to see if we were still out.

Text 1: Who's there?

Text 2 (a few seconds later): Not my mom.

My friend's text back: Your sister and your wife.

He showed up a few minutes later:

Friend 1: Where's everybody at? I was expecting a family reunion.

Me: They just left.

Friend 2: They needed to go clean up.

Friend 1: I hate you guys.

A few minutes later, Friend 2 leaned over and whispered to me, "I changed your name in the contacts list in my phone. Now it says [Friend 1]'s Mom. Text me something foul."

So I did.

He showed it to Friend 1.

The look on his face was priceless.

She thinks she's the passionate one

Last night there was a bachelorette party at the table next to us at the bar. They were playing some sort of dice game where they needed to do certain things with certain types of people. A half hour or so after they started I heard someone call out to me.

"Are you tall?"

"Yeah, I'm tall."

"Good. Can you come here for a second?"

Then the bachelorette grabbed my hand and started singing to me: "I don't want anybody else, when I think about you I touch myself*."

Apparently the dice told her she needed to sing to a tall guy. I was happy to offer my services.

About an hour later, she walked back over to the table.

"I need a tall guy again. You're my trusty tall guy. You're the one I can sing to. Can you help me again?"

"Sure, no problem."

"Now I'm supposed to do a shot with a tall guy. Will you do a shot with me?"

"Uh, okay."

"What do you want?"

"I don't know. Just get whatever you want. I don't drink."

"You don't drink? What do you mean you don't drink?"

"I mean I don't drink. I've only done a shot once. Twice if you count sake. This will be the third shot I've ever taken in my life."

"We're going to do a Jager Bomb."

So I did a Jager bomb** with her. Who am I do deny a dying*** woman her last wish?

My friend is convinced that I could've made out with her last night. Looking at some pictures that another friend texted me of the event, I think he might be right. She was hanging on me for a little while afterward, posing for pictures and whatnot. I didn't make out with her though. I only gave her a kiss on the cheek.

I'm classy, yo.








*Remember Divinyls?

**It was terrible - don't worry, I'm not going to start drinking.

***Dying, getting married, same diff.

But now the snow is gone

It rained pretty much all day yesterday. As you can imagine, that much precipitation is pretty rare around here. Someone I follow on Twitter even posted this: Dear Las Vegas: please google "desert" k, thanks. Nobody listened to her, though. It kept raining.

I was walking somewhere mid-day, and when I stepped out into the rain, some cold water dripped down off the roof and onto the back of my neck. That's the thing about living someplace where you hardly ever get rain or snow, you forget to watch out for stuff like that. It was cold. It's times like that I'm glad I don't live somewhere colder. You know, like with snow and stuff. Where you have to worry about trees dumping the snow off their branches, onto your head, and down the back of your neck.

That hasn't always been the case. I've lived in some cold places. I mean COLD places. Like, you're so excited when the temperature finally hits 50 degrees sometime in May that you're out in shorts, t-shirt and sandals and thinking about going for a swim, even though the water temperature in the lake is probably still somewhere in the 30s because the ice just barely melted.

I recently saw a news headline that said they had made it illegal for truck drivers and bus drivers to text while on the road. That, combined with the cold rain water dripping down the back of my neck made me think of some of the things that happened my senior year of high school. Like the fact that one of the bus drivers would READ western novels while driving a busload of kids around on windy mountain roads. You know, because THAT's safe.

One day we were driving the 35 miles or so to school in a snow storm (with the regular bus driver, not the Louis L'amor fan). We're talking blizzard conditions. Like, the only way you could tell where the road went was by looking at the whiteness in front of you, and knowing you were on the road because there weren't any trees. It was kind of scary being that visibility was only about 30 feet anyway. That was before the windshield wipers iced up. The bus driver was faced with a dilemma. He couldn't keep going without being able to clear off the windshield, but he also couldn't stop the bus because if he did there is no way he would have been able to get it moving again. THAT's how much snow was on the road. So he called me to the front of the bus, had me crawl into the small space to his left, reach out the window into the freezing snow and wind, and bang the windshield wiper on the windshield to break the ice off. It was freeeeeeeeeeeezing (yes, that many Es). But I saved the day. We made it to school safely.

By noon, the school had decided to send us back home, so we loaded up on the bus, repeated the procedure. Arrived home safely, despite the fact that they waited until the bus was on the road before they CLOSED THE HIGHWAY. The school district sent a bus full of high school kids traveling home on a snowy mountain road that they knew was about to be closed because of the terrible weather conditions.

Sometimes I wonder how I even survived to see my college years.

Remember yesterday

One of the main differences between now and a year ago.

Now: I don't have much to say, so I don't.

Then: I didn't have much to say, but I did anyway.

'Cause darlin' you're a whiskey kisser and it's gettin' to me

I have a friend who is going through a break up, and is a little nervous about being back "on the market" after being in a relationship for so long. Looking for some reassurance that things would be okay, she asked me if I thought she was pretty enough to have guys "take a second look."

I told her she was.

She apologized for asking such a vain question, but thanked me for my "candid" answer.

Her: I know that sounds so stupid, but I was just wondering.

Me: I don't think it's stupid at all.

Her: Well, who asks "Hey, am I hot?"

Me: Sometimes I wonder the same thing. I think most people do.

Her: You are super cute. AND you are a doctor!!! You are a catch.

Me: Well thank you. You'd think so.

Her: Yes, I think so. AND you won't get whiskey dick*. That is important. You could put that on a business card.

Me: Maybe I will.








*An added benefit to my not drinking.

I've got science for any occasion, postulating theorems formulating equations

In one of my classes this week I was explaining the scientific method to my students.

"The first step is observation, which is basically just that you notice something and start thinking about the reason why that's what you see. Then you develop a hypothesis that might explain your observations, and make predictions based on that hypothesis. Next you design an experiment to test the hypothesis, you analyze the results of the experiment, and draw conclusions based on those results. You can determine if the results support the hypothesis, and if they don't, you come up with an alternative hypothesis and test that."

Then I gave them an example of something that I'd been talking about in my other classes this week: sexual selection in guppies.

"Male guppies have colored spots all over their bodies, which turns out to be a way that females choose which males to mate with. People have done experiments to show that, but it all started with someone making the observation that males are brightly colored and females aren't. Then they came up with a hypothesis about it being related to female mate choice, and designed a set of experiments to test that. Think about it. You could basically set up a tank with a female and two different males, one brightly colored one and one dull one, and sit and watch to see which one the female mated with. It'd be like watching fish porn. But that's probably not the kind of stuff you want to go look up on YouTube."

I probably should have left the last two sentences unspoken.

Go ahead put your red dress on

I'm preparing another manuscript to submit for publication. My Ph D adviser thinks it's close to being ready, but the more I look at it the more problems I seem to find. I tried to address one of those problems yesterday, but the way I did it didn't quite seem to fit right, so I thought I'd ask a friend what he thought about how I should address the issue.

Me: I need your opinion on something.

Him: I'd suggest you try wearing women's clothes for at least a few days before you get yourself snipped.

There ain't no Johnny coming home to share a bed with her, and she doesn't care

People of the internets, I need you to clarify something for me. Which of the following two options best fits your definition of a one night stand?

Option 1
A one night stand can be between you and someone you already know, you hook up once, and you might see each other again, but if you do it'll be without doing the nasty.

Option 2
A one night stand is between you and someone you've just met, you do the deed, then go on your separate ways without any sort of plan to see each other again.

Well first came an action and then a reaction

Last night at the bar:

Girl: I'm going to the restroom. Make sure nobody goes through my purse.

Me: You're trusting me? I'm going to go through it myself. I'm going to steal your birth control.

Girl: My tubes are tied.

Me: Oh. Sorry?

All the kids are staying fat

I have a friend who recently got a boob job. She and I used to have the same workout schedule, so I texted her yesterday to see if she was able to work out yet.

Me: Been to the gym lately, or is it too soon for The Girls?

Her: Been asking to see if anyone wants to go, but everyone's busy. I can do cardio, but no lifting. I really need to go. I'm flabby. And I need to buy a new gym top because the old one can't contain the new excitement.

Me: I'm going a little later. Probably just treadmill stuff. I'm flabby too.

When I went to type 'flabby' my predictive text tried to put 'flaccid' instead. Of all the times I should be glad I read my texts as I write them instead of just sending them off, this has to be near the top of the list.

Hey shorty

Me: At least I think it was her that texted me, I didn't save her number in my phone when she gave it to me.

Friend: Well, do you want me to look it up in my phone? Here, look, is that the number?

Me: Oh no, not her, the other [Girl's Name]. The short blonde girl that's in your class.

Friend: She's not short. She's tall.

Me: Well, she's short compared to me.

Friend: What the fuck? That's it. You are no longer allowed to comment on girls' height. The only thing you can say is that she's tall if she's taller than you.

Give me my money back, you bitch

While I'm on the subject of refunds, here's an old favorite song of mine dealing with the same topic:

Ben Folds Five - Song for the Dumped

The day I realized I wanted to spend my life with you

I recently learned a method that some guys use to remember anniversaries. They save the receipts from every first date they go on. That way, should things work out, they have something to refer back to in case they need to remember the date. Supposedly women are impressed when guys can remember that stuff.

I've never had a problem remembering what I did on a first date with someone, but sometimes I do have trouble remembering what day it was. Part of that might be because I've always felt like anniversaries should only be celebrated by married people (or perhaps couples engaged to be married), because how do you decide what date to celebrate otherwise? The day you met? The day you first kissed? The day you decided to become exclusive? It all seems rather arbitrary. Keeping receipts seems like too much effort anyway, so it's not likely that I'll start using that method* anytime soon, but it did get me thinking. If saving a receipt helps get you brownie points if things work out, what do you do when things don't? I assume most guys just throw the receipts away once it's become obvious there will be no more dates with a specific woman. But they shouldn't. Instead, they should be able to use those receipts to get a refund**.

Bought a woman a drink, but didn't get her number? Refund.

Went to a chick flick, but she wouldn't hold your hand? Refund.

Took her to a nice dinner, but she didn't kiss you goodnight? Refund.

Weekend getaway at a bed and breakfast, but you ended up fighting the whole time? Refund.

Paid for a hotel room, but the cops busted down the door to arrest you for soliciting a prostitute before you were able to seal the deal? Refund.

Seems fair enough, right?









*Not like I date that many women anyway.

**I mean, after all, if you can get a refund on a rollercoaster ride, you should be able to get a refund on a date that went wrong.

Heart attack, heart attack man

I had a bit of a scare yesterday when I got this in an email from the Graduate Affairs Coordinator: Are you going to place a Spring 2010 Graduation Application in my mailbox?

I wrote back: I already graduated, didn't I?

She didn't respond, so I tore open one of the official transcripts I purchased the other day to send out with job applications. My graduation date is, in fact, stamped at the top, so I don't think they're taking my degree back.

But if they did, I wouldn't have to worry about paying back student loans, would I?

So sentimental, not sentimental no

Once again, it's time to share the highlights from my TA evaluations from last semester. As always, these are taken verbatim from the evaluations themselves, so don't blame me for spelling and grammatical errors.

The Lab
What was your favorite lab exercise? Why?
- Pig disection. We Disected a PIG!
- Push ups. It gets me pumped.
- Invertebrate diversity I and II. Because worms, clams, and crawfish are probably the most exciting organisms to dissect. Also the starfish gonads get me excited.

Which lab experienced was most informative and educational for you?
- [Field Trip]. On the ride up, a fellow student said to his friend, "Why does anyone come out here? There's nothing out here, and Vegas is 15 min away!" I learned people can be dumb. And I'm a biased jerk.

What was your least favorite lab exercise? Why?
- Everything with plants, hate plants.
- Invertebrates =( gross

What is the major weakness of the lab?
- The pine cones suck
- Some ppl suck

The Laboratory Instructor
How would you rate your lab instructor as a teacher?
- Bill Clinton!

Assess your lab instructor's knowledge about the topics covered
- Pro!!!
- Freakishly thorough
- He knew everything we needed to know . . . and nothing more.
- He is smart, yo!

Assess your lab instructor's examination policy, fairness, and grading.
- Very fair! Especially in all situations.

What were his/her strong points?
- Being a damn good man.
- You are awesome, [Minnow]! Hot and helpful.
- Pure awesomeness.
- Euthuastic*

How could he/she improve?
- By giving me more 10/10.
- Listen to better music. Just kidding! :)
- Build a time machine and convince former self to not get married.
- In every way imaginable. Just kidding. Nah, just kidding again. No, just kidding. Again.

Then there was the guy who merely wrote "I &hearts [Minnow]" across the entire page, and also signed his name. Should I be flattered? Or afraid?







*Pretty sure they meant enthusiastic.

I just wanna be your firecracker, and maybe be your baby tonight

Friend: I was talking to an old friend of mine who's about to have her second kid. She's married, and happy, but you know what she told me she missed the most about being single?

Me: What?

Friend: She said she missed the anonymous sex. Isn't that terrible?

Me: That's pretty funny.

Friend: I just can't believe anyone would say they miss that. Can you?

Me: I wouldn't know. I've never had a one night stand.

Friend: WHAT!?!? Never?

Me: Never.

Friend: How can you not have had a one night stand*?

Me: How long have you known me? Does that sound like something I'd do? Besides, I can't even pick up on girls, let alone be able to seal the deal in one night.

Friend: A one night stand is something that should be on your bucket list.

Me: That doesn't really seem like a bucket list sort of thing.

Friend: Put it on your bucket list. Do it right now.









*I should've asked my friend how many one night stands she's had, but maybe that sort of thing is best left unsaid.

I don't know the time of day or the color of the clothes I'm wearin'

A day or two after Christmas Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend came over and watched a movie with me. About halfway through the movie she took her glasses off and placed them on the coffee table. A few minutes later there was a scene where everyone was speaking Spanish with subtitles.

Me: Do you need me to grab your glasses so you can read the subtitles?
Her: I don't need to read the subtitles.
Me: Yes you do. Otherwise you won't know what's going on in the movie.
Her: No. I don't!
Me: Oh yeah.

Seems I'd forgotten that English is, in fact, her second language.

But now I've found you and I know that we would be so very happy if you could only see that I was meant for you and you were made for me

I suppose that since I only have approximately a day and a half left of 2009 that now is as good a time as any to list my favorite albums of the year.

In reverse order:

10. The Boxer Rebellion - Union
Competition for the last spot was pretty tight*, but if memory serves me correctly (a shady prospect at best), this was the first album I purchased this year, and I listened to it more, thus giving it the edge over the other "competitors."



9. Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
I was slow to jump on the Phoenix bandwagon, but I can take solace in the fact that I got this album and liked it before they started playing some of these songs in Cadillac commercials. As my friend recently put it, these songs can be repetitive, but they're all fun, even if they're not all great.



8. Andrew Bird - Noble Beast
This guy can whistle. You wouldn't think that would be a quality that someone would look for in music these days, but he's seriously good. This is a perfect album to take along on a long drive through a heavily wooded area. Assuming that's something you'd like to do (which it probably isn't).



7. Franz Ferdinand - Tonight
I admit it, I was quite angry when I first purchased this album and realized they had put an alternate version of Lucid Dreams. Mostly because the album version is worse than the one I'd listened to originally. Fortunately, I was able to get the "original" version from itunes, and all was right with the world. At least for a few days.



6. Sea Wolf - White Water, White Bloom
SilentKid pointed out that, according to Pitchfork, this album is for young people (mostly girls) with a weakness for moody romance and natural imagery. So there you have it. I am a young girl, with a weakness for moody romance and natural imagery. The Pitchfork critics can suck it.


5. White Rabbits - It's Frightening
This album gets the award for containing one of the creepiest songs of the year: Right Where They Left. Any song that sings about a guy burning down a house with his lover inside it gets high rankings in my book, mostly because I am a wannabe sociopath.


4. Killers - Day And Age
I'm not entirely sure that this album should be ranked quite this highly on my list, but I did give it a lot of listening time early in the year. Then it almost got ruined for me because mainstream media took just about every step to ensure that the song Are We Human? was played out. They failed though because I, for one, still like it.


3. Cracker - In The Land Of Milk And Honey
I purchased this album right when I briefly considered dropping out of school, so I immediately adopted the song Turn On Tune In Drop Out With Me as my new anthem, and it remains my favorite song of the entire year. I saw them play in Vegas, and wish I could've gone to Joshua Tree too, but instead figured I should probably focus on my dissertation defense the following week. I think I made the right call.

2. Wilco (The Album)
This was the year I FINALLY got to see Wilco play a live show. Jeff Tweedy looked haggard, but he also looked like he was having fun up there on stage too. From the stories I've heard, that wasn't the case last time he played a show here. This album is good from start to finish, and while it's not my favorite Wilco album, it's better than 99% of the music that's out there these days in my opinion.



1. Eels - Hombre Lobo
This album came at the perfect time for me. It was one of those rare albums that felt to me like every song pertained to some aspect of my life. The last time I can think of that happening was when The Wallflowers released Red Letter Days.








* The honorable mentions: Fanfarlo - Reservoir, Pearl Jam - Backspacer, Built To Spill - There Is No Enemy, Great Lake Swimmers - Lost Channels. With apologies to The Cave Singers, Vetiver, and Them Crooked Vultures, which were highly recommended, but I never got around to listening to them.

I'm falling in love with your creature soul

Sunday evening I watched Avatar. Before leaving the house, I posted the following on my Twitter feed (in case you missed it): As if I haven't been watching enough movies lately, I'm going to finish tonight off by going to see Avatar in IMAX 3D. Should be cool.

Someone direct messaged me, initiating the following exchange:

Her: SHOULD be cool? Should be?!!!!

Me: Hahaha. Fine. Definitely will be cool. In fact, I'm betting that all five of my senses achieve orgasm*. Is that better?

Her: Ok, now I'm worried about your level of expectation. Let's just say you'll likely want to fuck a blue alien after and call it even

Me: But how is that going to be different from any other day?

Her: Cause you'll want to do it in IMAX 3D. Duh.

She was right. I came out of there totally wanting to do a ten foot tall, blue alien girl with cat-like features.







*I totally stole that from Ryan Davies

Fabulously Lazy

SilentKid: Did you watch the It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia Christmas Special yet?

Me: No. I still haven't gotten around to it.

SilentKid: Why not?

Me: Well, I thought about downloading it from itunes and watching it on Christmas Day, but then I realized that I have a new debit card since the last time I downloaded anything from the itunes store, and it seemed like too much effort to have to type in a new card number.

I'm in love with the size of a desert

A few days ago I went with a friend to survey abandoned mines. A day spent doing that beats a day working on manuscripts any day of the week. My friend put me in charge of taking pictures of things. Here are a few of the pictures I took.

A mine entrance


Scary structure - we could hear dirt falling here, so didn't proceed any further


The area where five of the openings were


I made a comment about the harsh conditions these miners were working in, and my friend said, "I know. You look out at that, and it all makes sense why Nevada has legalized prostitution." He's got a point. We almost had to go get some prostitutes ourselves, and we were only out there for a day, and we weren't even blasting holes with dynamite or moving ore carts or anything.



The mines were fenced off in order to let people know to be safe and stay out


Some were fenced off better than others


This mine was one of my favorites


Even if it had experienced instability at some point as evidenced by this giant rock that had fallen from the ceiling


The mine was old enough, and damp enough, that some miniature stalactites had formed


Guano!


This was the mine with the coolest entrance. Fine. I admit it. I'm a sucker for a good 'Keep Out' sign.


This looked a little more stable than the wooden structure pictured above, but we still didn't go down. Safety first!




This mine was really cool too, in part because of the rails for the ore carts. Turns out that's not just something you see in old Scooby Doo cartoons and Donkey Kong video games after all.


The same tracks from the inside of the mine looking toward the entrance.


Guess what else we saw. Bats!!!






So there you have it. A slightly more exciting day in the life of Native Minnow.

Merry Christmas To All, And To All A Good Night

Ain't nothing in this world for free

It goes without saying, but the job market it incredibly frustrating right now. I had one position all lined up for after I graduated, but that university has instituted a hiring freeze on any full time employees until the economy is in better shape so that's no longer an option. I really thought that hiring freeze would be lifted by now, but it's not.

To add to the frustration, I just found out that the hiring for another job has been "postponed for a year due to another round of state budget cuts." I'll keep looking because I have no other choice, but I've already been turned down for a bunch of jobs, and it's hard to be motivated to keep applying knowing that the result is likely to be the same with each new application I send in. When there are only a couple of jobs advertised each month, each one of them receives 100-200 applicants, so simple probabilities suggest that I'll need to apply for a hundred jobs before I get one, right?

I shouldn't complain though. At least I have something worked out that will keep me with a paycheck through the upcoming semester. I'm sure that's better than what some graduates are facing right now, so I'll take it and I'll be happy about it. The only reason I'm going into all of this in the first place is so you can see the timeliness of an email a friend of mine just got from his mother:

I found you & [Minnow] a job out there in Vegas. They are getting ready to hire male prostitutes at a brothel about 150 miles from Vegas; you can make about $300.00 per person-from 5 to 20 women each night!! Does that sound like a winner or what??? LOL!!

I may have to look into this further if something else doesn't pan out soon.

There's a fat man standing by the soda machine and he knows, he knows, he knows that life can be funny

Friend: Look at that line to go see Santa Claus.

Me: I should go wait to sit on his lap, and when he asks what I want for Christmas, say, "a naughty girl."

Friend: That'd be pretty funny.

Me: Yeah, and you know Santa would laugh. Then, when he's all, "Ho, ho ho." I'd say, "Exactly!"

He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood

A while ago I posted about what I thought was the best prescription ever given by a doctor. It was for a friend who had positional vertigo, and the doctor told him to do less yoga and drink more beer.

Recently, another friend has been dealing with some prostate issues. He called me to ask about it because I've had similar problems in the past. During our conversation, he reminded me that I'd been the recipient of an even better prescription.

My doctor: I'm going to give you this antibiotic. I want you to take that and come see me again in a week. Between now and then you should also try to increase your number of orgasms. That should help.

I wonder if I still have any refills left on that one.

Graduation Day

How to have a successful graduation day in 78 easy steps (if you're Native Minnow):

1. Email your parents the night before with directions to your house
2. Call them to make sure they got the email and printed it up
3. Make sure you don't proofread your directions before sending them though so that there are at least two mistakes that cause them some confusion when they eventually arrive
4. Wake up the day of your graduation ceremony and run a few errands
5. Realize about lunch time that you don't have anything to fix your kids to eat
6. Debate whether you should call your parents who should be arriving any time to find out where they are
7. Opt not to call them, figuring you can run to the store quickly
8. Leave your kids upstairs in your room playing X-box
9. Tell your kids to listen closely for the door, just in case your parents arrive
10. Go to the store
11. Get a phone call from your dad as soon as you start filling your basket
12. When your dad tells you he's at your house, explain to him why you're not and apologize
13. Pay for your groceries and hurry home
14. See your parents sitting in their car in front of your house because your kids did not, in fact, listen closely for the door
15. Apologize to your parents again, this time for having retarded children
16. Call your kids downstairs to say hi to Grandma and Grandpa, but not without making a comment about how they left them out front for several minutes
17. Do NOT accept any responsibility yourself, even though it really is your fault for going to the store in the first place without calling your parents first
18. Fix lunch for your kids
19. Change into nice clothes
20. Wait for your ex-wife to show up
21. Head to campus for the ceremony
22. Meet your adviser and walk to the sports arena where the ceremony will be held
23. Go all the way around the arena to the door you were told to go in
24. Be told that door is not the right door, and that you need to go in through the tunnel, which is on the other end of the building
25. Go back around the building and in through the tunnel
26. Enter the tunnel
27. Immediately smell horse piss and manure
28. Curse the rodeo that was just in town
29. Line up according to degree
30. Wait around for an hour
31. Get a little excited when they say it's time to go
32. Walk out of the tunnel to the applause of the thousands who are in attendance
33. Glance around and take it all in with a big smile on your face
34. Spot your family in the crowd and wave to them
35. Follow the directions of the ushers to your seat
36. Realize how bad it's going to suck being sandwiched between two guys with seats that close together
37. Look at the seat in front of you and see the professor someone tried to set you up with once upon a time
38. Avoid making eye contact with that woman for the remaining three hours
39. Take your seat
40. Curse the rodeo again for making the entire arena smell like piss and manure
41. Listen to several speeches prior to being called up to the stage
42. Walk to the stage and feel relief when they pronounce your name correctly
43. Walk across the stage
44. Get hooded
45. Shake the Vice President's hand
46. Shake your adviser's hand
47. Walk across the stage and shake the university president's hand
48. Walk down the stairs and go back to your seat
49. Be glad you were the fifth person to go
50. Painfully endure the remaining 2000 or so names that are called
51. Sometime during that time, get a text from Girl Who Won't Be Your Girlfriend about how handsome you looked in full regalia on the jumbotron
52. Thank her, and then profusely apologize for making her come an hour or so later when you're still enduring the remaining names
53. Wonder why they couldn't have broken it up into a few different ceremonies
54. Also wonder again why they couldn't have cleaned out the smell of piss and manure
55. Listen to the guy behind you complain loudly and often about how long this is taking
56. Wish he'd shut up because it's not funny, it's only making you focus on how effing long you've been sitting there, and how much longer you have to sit there
57. Rejoice when you realize that they're almost done (after a mere three hours)
58. Exit the building
59. Miss two calls from your dad about where to meet up
60. Call him back only to find that he's not answering his phone now
61. Call Girl Who Won't Be Your Girlfriend to find out where she's at
62. Talk your way to her in the crowd
63. Get a kiss and flowers from her
64. Spot your parents, kids, and ex-wife over her shoulder
65. Remember that you didn't give Girl Who Won't Be Your Girlfriend fair warning that your ex-wife was going to be there
66. Take her over to meet your parents and ex-wife anyway
67. Pretend the whole situation isn't awkward at all
68. Decide then on where to go for dinner, because you never made a reservation anywhere
69. Call the restaurant on the way there to see if they can accommodate a party of eight on graduation night
70. Feel relief when they say they can
71. Enjoy a great meal
72. Order two desserts for everyone to share because you're sure they'll all partake
73. Eat most of the desserts yourself because everyone else, including your kids, are "too full" to even take one bite
74. Say goodbye to Girl Who Won't Be Your Girlfriend
75. Ride with your parents to get them checked into their hotel room
76. Convince your ex-wife that it's not a good idea to make the five hour drive home beginning at 10:30 p.m.
77. Go to bed with your kids and ex-wife on the couch
78. Fall asleep content with the way the day went down

At every occasion I'll be ready for a funeral

One more funeral related post, then I'll quit. I swear.

There's obviously been a lot of funeral talk this past week. Here's what my kids have said they want to have happen when they die.

Tortellini: I want to be cremated and then have my ashes put into somebody's mailbox.

Togers: I want to be cremated and then have my ashes thrown at someone I hate*.

Mr M: I want you to take my body and throw it off a cliff, because that would be an easier way to bury me. And I don't want my funeral to be fun like Grandma Great's was with food and everything. I just want there to be a whole bunch of dead chickens, and everyone has to eat them raw.

So there you have it. With any luck, I won't still be around when they go and someone else will have to carry out their wishes.








*I asked Togers who he was going to find that would be willing to throw his ashes at someone, and Mr M immediately raised his hand and said, "I'll do it."

My grandma's funeral was yesterday. I drove to Arizona Tuesday night so that I could take my kids, then we spent pretty much all day Wednesday in the car. It was a long drive, but it was a pretty drive.

I got stuck in a gas station parking lot in Flagstaff, AZ. They got at least a foot of snow, probably more, and I'm not used to driving in it anymore. I had to do that thing where you spin out for a second in reverse, then in first gear, then in reverse, then in first gear to try and get out. Just as Togers offered to get out and push, the tires finally grabbed. Luckily that was the only "problem" we had on the road though.

We were on some icy roads near the Arizona-Utah border, and my kids all laughed when they saw a Forest Service sign saying that fire danger was "moderate" that day. Remember, there was at least a foot of snow blanketing the forest. The sign turned out to be spot on though because we drove by a tree that was smoldering. We have no idea how it would have ignited, but we decided we wouldn't doubt Smokey the Bear ever again. We stopped and played in the snow for a few minutes, but it was so cold we didn't want to be out of the car for very long.

My dashboard display has a thermometer that tells what the outside temperature was, and when it dropped down to four degrees, we decided to have one of those contests to see who could hold their hand out the window the longest. It came down to a stand-off between me and Tortellini. It was painful. I yelled, "I AM NOT GOING TO LOSE TO YOU!!!" but in the time it took me to yell that, I couldn't handle it anymore, so two seconds later pulled my hand in and said, "Alright, you win." She wouldn't play again when the temperature dropped to zero though. The low temperature that night? Twenty-one degrees below zero. It was the first time in a long time I felt my nostrils freeze when I inhaled through my nose.

Mr M was full of questions about the funeral the night before. Where was it going to be, how long was it going to be, etc.

Mr M: Are you going to cry like a little baby tomorrow?
Me: Probably.
Mr M: Can we have a snowball fight at the graveyard?
Me: Absolutely not!
Mr M: I'm going to let people have snowball fights at my funeral.

It was nice to see a lot of my extended family again. Some of them I hadn't seen in over five years. I drove away with the realization that it could very well have been the last time I'd ever see them since my grandmother was basically the glue that held the family together. I don't know what's worse, that realization, or being okay with it if it turns out to be the case.

After the funeral, my uncle asked all the grandchildren to stop by my grandmother's house to see if there was anything they'd like to take to remember her by. I took a crystal candy dish, and a Christmas ornament. Tortellini took some porcelain dolls that my grandma had made. Togers found an old polaroid camera (something which he'd already been asking me to get him) and a fountain pen that he kept. Mr M had the most eclectic "inheritance" though. He came up to me with a piece of cardboard and a wooden hammer and asked if he could keep those. I told him he could. Then he found a jar of paperclips that he wanted because he could use them to make a cool necklace. He also made off with an old wooden cane, and a long robot arm type of thing my grandma used to grab things off of high shelves with. He's been playing with it ever since.

The silver lining in all of this is that now I have a few more memories with my kids, and they have a few more with their grandparents (whose house I'm at now). Grandma said she wanted her funeral to be a joyous occasion, and there was enough laughing and joking among the tears that I think she'd have been happy with that.

The story I heard

Pearls of wisdom from Mr M:

You know, dentists don't care if you brush your teeth every single day.

Hold on to those you hold dear

The second I saw the name on the caller ID I knew what the call was about. I answered it anyway.

"[Minnow], it's Mom. [Uncle] just called to let us know that Grandma died a few minutes ago."

Even though it's been expected for a while, it's still hard to hear those words. My mother and I talked for a few more minutes, but then I decided I needed to get off the phone so I could call my kids and let them know. My ex-wife went and rounded them up, then called me back when they were all together so I could tell them over speaker-phone. It seems like such an impersonal way to spread this kind of news, but sometimes that's how things have to be when you're hundreds of miles apart. By the time my ex-wife had them all sitting there together, and I finally told them what was going on, I honestly think my kids were relieved to find out that it was my grandma (who we all knew was going to pass away) instead of theirs.

My grandmother was a very religious woman, and didn't want anybody to be sad when she was gone. She wanted her funeral to be a celebration of sorts. She was ninety-two years old, and lived a full life. Few, if any, of us will make it that far. I just wanted to take some time to reflect on some of the memories I have of her and share them here.

I visited my grandma a few times this year. Never for more than an hour or two at a time, but it was enough. I think. During one of those visits she told me, "I have nineteen grandchildren. Each one of them thinks that they're my favorite. And you know what? They're all right!"

She had several traditions that helped make us all feel special. Every year I looked forward to getting my birthday card from her. She must have paid a lot of postage, because she'd tape coins to the inside of the card, one of each kind for every year I'd been alive. For example, when I turned ten years old, she sent a card with a ten dollar bill, ten one dollar bills, ten quarters, ten dimes, ten nickels, and ten pennies. That was quite the haul for a ten year old back then. At least it was to this ten year old.

We always looked forward to spending New Year's Eve at her house, because we were the only kids in the world who were lucky enough to have a second overnight visitor from the North Pole. It wasn't Santa Claus though. He only came on Christmas Eve. But wouldn't you know it? There were always a few left-over toys and treats that needed to be taken care of, so Santa sent one of his elves, Johnny Green, to deliver them to her grandchildren on New Year's Eve. My parents would always discourage us from discussing what Johnny Green had brought us when we went back to school. They didn't want the other kids to have to feel bad that Johnny Green never came to their Grandmas' houses.

She had a large back yard, which was perfect for Easter Egg hunts every spring. There were dozens and dozens of colored eggs set out for all the grandchildren to go out and find. Some of them were just colored eggs. But some of them came with a cash reward. It was probably just her way of keeping the tradition alive as we all got older, but there were some competitive searches for the grand prize egg, which, if I remember correctly, was worth ten dollars. Several other "cash" eggs were set out that were worth anywhere from five cents to five dollars. It was easy for a kid to go home slightly richer than they'd arrived that day.

My grandma grew up in the Bear Lake area (in southern Idaho/northern Utah). We had a few family reunions there, but one summer she took just me and one of my cousins to visit Bear Lake for a week, where she took us around to show us all the places that were important to her. We spent time swimming in Bear Lake, water skiing behind her brother-in-law's boat, exploring the depths of Minnetonka Cave, diving off of rope swings into mountain lakes, shooting pool, and perhaps most importantly eating raspberry shakes. It was only a week, but it left a lasting impression on me.

I could go on, but I won't. I already feel like I'm rambling. I just have one more. I visited her last year, and she asked me when I was going to have another paper published so that she could read it. I told her I was working on it, and she said that I needed to work faster because she wasn't getting any younger. I'm happy that I got the chance to visit her a couple of days after defending my dissertation. Not only did I get to tell her that I'd passed my defense, but also that I'd had a paper accepted for publication. She didn't get to read it (or the second one that was accepted the following week), but she didn't want to anyway. It was just her trying to make me feel like the favorite grandchild.

I'm going to miss her.

Hustle and Flow

My ex-wife made a comment to Mr M about a girl he plays with all the time at school. She teased him about her being his "girlfriend."

Mr M denied that was the case.

His reasoning?

"I dont even hustle with her."

Yeah, I don't know what that means either.

Over the river and through the woods

As some of you know, I spent Thanksgiving in Arizona with my kids, my ex-wife, and her boyfriend. You might think that would be a recipe for a plethora of awkward moments (I know I thought that's how it would all go down), but it was rather nice. Aside from the fact that I didn't get to see my parents or siblings, and knowing that some of them probably got to eat MY banana cream pie, it was a rather enjoyable weekend.

We had Thanksgiving dinner at an old high school friend's house. I hadn't seen her in over ten years, so I thought that might be a little strange too, but it was fine. Her husband was super nice, and her kids had a good time with mine. At least I think they did.

Friday we decided to venture out of the house to get some lunch and do some shopping. Since he apparently didn't get enough to eat the day before, Togers decided to take on a one pound hamburger in an attempt to gain fame and notoriety by having his picture on the wall along with the other fatties. I documented the event.

A daunting task ahead:


But he didn't shy away:


Almost there, but looking a little like he wants to vomit:


Finished (and he didn't even puke):


Posing for his picture to go on the wall:


Couple that with the fact that I was able to get a little bit of Christmas shopping done, I'd say Black Friday was a success.

All except for when we let the kids talk us into going into a pet store. There were certainly some cute little puppies. Like this one:



We ran into trouble when we had to explain to Mr M that he couldn't get one. Especially not for the $3000 price tag. Here's the tail end of his reaction to that news:

I'm pretty sure that boy is staying in tonight

Over Thanksgiving weekend, Togers decided he wanted to try jumping into the pool. You know, because he just couldn't wait to see what forty degree water felt like. He didn't stay in the water long, and when he was done he placed his wet shorts on the fence in the back yard to dry. A few hours later my ex looked out and saw them there.

Ex: [Togers], go get those wet shorts off the fence before someone comes along and steals them.

Togers: Why would someone steal boys' shorts?

Ex: They might. People steal women's underwear all the time.

Togers: Yeah, but that's women's underwear. That's a little different.

Me: Not necessarily. You don't think there are any pedophiles around? They might be interested in stealing your shorts.

Ex: Yeah, [Togers]. You've always been a pedophile's favorite.

Unintentional tape manipulations

Today my class did a lab exercise to learn about probabilities and genetics. Part of the lab activity told them to tape a few colored disks together to simulate the way gametes fuse during fertilization. I brought tape with me to class, but forgot to put it out for the students to use. It wasn't really necessary, and most of the students finished the exercise without it, but one girl really started complaining about my "lack of preparedness."

Her: How are we supposed to finish this if you didn't even bring tape?

Me: I brought tape. It's in my bag. You don't really need it, but I'll go get you some if you want.

Her: I do.

I went and got a roll of tape out of my bag, and tossed it to her lab partner.

Me: Here you go. And while you're at it, why don't you go ahead and use that to tape her mouth shut too?

Grandma take me home

I have a friend who is renovating his house. He's had a contractor doing most of the work(painting, putting in new carpet, new hardwood floor in the living room, etc.), but wanted to do some of the easier things himself. He's replacing all the light switches, outlet boxes, phone and cable jacks, which is all pretty easy to do, just time consuming, so one of my other friends and I went out to help him for a few hours.

Once we got to a good stopping point he suggested we go out to dinner and then he'd show us around the neighborhood. At dinner, my friend asked if there were any hot MILFs in the neighborhood. He said, well, there's a little bar just around the corner that I'm sure would be full of hot MILFs for you. We'll stop by there after dinner.

We walked in, and he said, "Welcome to the MILF bar."

My other friend and I looked around, and there wasn't a single patron under the age of fifty.

I said, "I'm not sure this is a MILF bar. It's more like a GILF bar, because they're all grandmas. But, the 'L' doesn't really apply, because I wouldn't like to."

He replied, "Well then, perhaps we should call it the GIRNF* bar instead."









*GIRNF - Granny I'd Rather Not Fuck