Saturday, February 09, 2013

Every time I find myself in this old bind watching the death of my hopes

Last weekend I went out to dinner with three lovely ladies.  We went to a bar and grill where apparently a lot of rednecks like to spend their evenings on the weekend.  In fairness, this is Utah, so that probably describes EVERY bar and grill in the entire state.

We'd finished eating and were just sitting around chatting and listening to the band (if you can call it that, at first we thought it was karaoke until we realized that they never changed singers).  At some point, a 300 pound dude in a camouflage fleece at the table next to us turned around and realized how close he was three very attractive women.  He asked if I was married to any of them.  I said I was married to all three of them.  He must not have believed me because he began using his pick-up lines:

"Hi, I'm Jerry.  I fart, I watch porn, and sometimes I play video games.  I figure I'll start off being honest and we can take it from there."

Oddly enough, the ladies didn't swoon.  Weird.

But Jerry wouldn't be deterred.  He went for his back-up line.  "Do you hunt ducks?"


"Well, what animals do you hunt?"

"We don't hunt any animals.  We study them."

"Have you ever even shot a gun?"

"Not at anything living.  No."

This came as a shock to Jerry.  He needed something else, and quick.  Another fall-back line.

"Do you smoke?"


"C'mon, let's go smoke."

"None of us smoke."

"Well, there's a fireplace out there.  Let's go get some fresh air."

"There won't be any fresh air because you'll be SMOKING."  My friend then pointed to a burn mark on his fleece shirt and said, "Besides, I don't trust you with a cigarette since you can't even keep the ashes off yourself judging by this burn."

He kept trying.  He asked if they wanted to see his 1979 motor home with a black light.  He asked if they wanted to go hunting ducks in the morning.  He asked if he could buy them a drink.  When none of that worked he asked if they were lesbians.  Two friends said they were together and he said, "I should've known."  He then turned around and went back to his table.  One of his friends saw that as an open opportunity and swooped in.

"So, how do you guys know Jerry?"

"We don't.  Jerry was just saying hi."

"So, are you having a good time?"

"Oh yeah, it's turning into a GREAT night."

"What?  You think you're too cool for me?"

"No.  I'm not cool at all."

He left too.

It was hilarious to watch that all, but at the same time it was exhausting.  I'm glad I'm not an attractive woman and have to deal with that every time I go out somewhere.

But hey, at least now I know what lines NOT to try in the future.