Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Like a goalie tending the net in the third quarter of a tied game rivalry*

Here are a few of my favorite sports quotes from 2008:

"Man, I'm so hyped right now. Anything's possible. Anything's pooooosssssssiiiiiiibbbbbblllllleeeeeee!!!!" Boston Celtics PF Kevin Garnett in an interview right after winning the NBA championship.

"Michelle, you look good tonight, girl. You look good." Kevin Garnett seconds later in that same interview, hitting on the interviewer.

"Some guys don't like to play, some guys do. Some treat it like a job. You've got to wonder how many guys play basketball because they're tall." Utah Jazz head coach Jerry Sloan responding to questions about what's keeping one of his young players from performing well on a regular basis.

"I'm happy to be back in Calgary. I love Canada. And I just wanted to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about, but enjoy the game tonight." Dallas Stars left winger Sean Avery doing some pre-game trash talk that would later get him cut from the team.

"I wake up tomorrow and I keep living." Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo answering a question about how he deals with tough losses such as the season ending blowout administered by the Philadelphia Eagles last Sunday.

"Have I ever had a reason for why I do what I do? I'm having fun." Cincinatti Bengals WR Chad 'Ocho Cinco' responding to questions about why he had his last name legally changed from Johnson to Ocho Cinco.

"We know the difference between a 47 year old black male and a young black female." Police Chief David Hall disputing hall of famer Isiah Thomas' claim that police had it wrong when they said he had overdosed on sleeping pills and that it was actually his teenage daughter who had been hospitalized.

"If you really want to pound it in, you need some extra beef in the backfield." - NFL announcer that I don't know, but it could very easily have been any of them.

*This Postal Service lyric illustrates why musicians should stick to singing about things they know** about since a goalie would only be guarding the net during the third period of a hockey game, or the second half of a soccer match. I'm just sayin'.

**Unless, of course they're singing about water polo or lacrosse, in which case forget I said a thing.

You're gonna find you'll find yourself alone

So, it turned out that the girl I could've been "guaranteed to make out with" was, in fact, PTSD girl.

How do I know you ask? Because one of her friends asked me if I was going to hook up with her.

Me: No.

Girl: Why not?

Me: Just because.

Girl: You should. I hear she's a really good kisser.

Me: I'm going to have to go ahead and take your word on that.

Girl: I think you two should hook up.

Me: It's not going to happen.

What I wanted to say: "Have you seen me? I can do way better than that!

I recounted that conversation to a couple of girls who were there the night we met those girls, and told them what I wish I had the sack to say.

They claimed that she wasn't all that ugly.

I maintained that she was.

We argued about it for a while, and they eventually asked me what I'd rate her on a scale of one to ten.

I said about a three.

They said she was at least a five or a six.

I vehemently disagreed, and then started showing them pictures of other girls I know so they could rate them. It seemed to me that they would rank many of the girls who I think are cute a point or two lower than I would, and they'd rate the girls I thought were ugly a point or two higher than I would.

Then we shifted things into a higher gear.

Girl: Alright, give me an example of an actress you'd rate as a ten.

Me: Charlize Theron.

Girl: Ok. I'll give you that one. Who else?

Me: Alyssa Milano.

Girl: Really? I don't know if I'd rate her that high.

Me: Well, I've been in love with her since 'Who's The Boss?' so maybe my ranking is a little higher than most people's would be.

Girl: Yeah, probably. Who else?

Me: I'm going to say Jessica Alba.

Girl: Jessica Alba is not a ten.

Me: I'm not saying she can act, because she can't, but she is hot. You have to admit that.

Girl: I don't think so. I'd put her at about an eight.

Me: You just showed a flaw in your rating system. If Jessica Alba is only an eight, there's no way that PTSD girl is a fucking six.

Girl: Ok. You've got a point.

So, to drag this story out even further, I was telling all of this to one of my sisters on the phone. She was laughing pretty hard. So then, thanks to facebook, I was able to steal a picture of PTSD girl and show it to my sister.

She agreed with me.

In fact, she went so far as to say that PTSD girl looked kind of like Shrek, and that maybe I should start calling her Fiona instead of PTSD girl.

So, on a scale of one to ten. What would you rank Fiona?

Monday, December 29, 2008

I'm sorry my girl but you'll never make a wife

Me: That girl just asked me if I'd have a beer with her if she could guarantee that I could make out with one of her friends later.

Friend 1: Well, there's only one of her friends that'd be worth making out with. What did you tell her?

Me: What do you think I said? Of course I said no.

Friend 1: Well, the odds definitely aren't in your favor. That'd be like playing Russian roulette.

-------------------------------THE NEXT DAY-------------------------------

Me: I told [Friend 1] about it last night, and he said it'd be like playing Russian roulette.

Friend 2: Well, he's right.

Me: I know. Especially with that ugly friend of hers.

Friend 2: Ugly? That's an understatement. I think I have PTSD.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Coat check I couldn't remember

Girl: Is that a new coat?

Me: It is.

Girl: I like it.

Me: Thanks. I didn't wear it for about a week after I bought it because I wasn't sure if I was going to keep it.

Girl: Really?

Me: Yeah. I showed it to five or six people before I took the tags off because I was afraid it might be too douchebaggy.

Girl: It's not. It's just the right level of douchebagginess for you.

Me: Um. Thanks?

Friday, December 26, 2008

Can't you see it's not me you're dying for

I recently went to the Happiest Place On Earth. Inside there was a sign listing their Christmas Day specials. I took a picture so I could post it here, but unfortunately it didn't turn out because it was too dark and the camera on my phone sucks. Instead, you'll just have to settle for the words, without the added artsiness of marker on posterboard.

The Double Down Saloon
Join us for:
Free Haircuts
Free Spaghettios
50¢ Abortions

Christmas Day 11 am - 5 pm

If that's not a random list, I don't know what is.

I'm not gonna get you a diamond ring, that sort of gift don't mean anything

Girl: Merry Christmas!!

Me: Thanks. You too. Did you get a dick in a box?

Girl: No Santa didn't get me one :(

Me: Boo. I heard that's what all the girls wanted this year.

Girl: Yeah, I must've been on the naughty list

Me: Or not naughty enough. I'd offer mine, but wouldn't want to cockblock everyone else who's dying to be your first*

Girl: Hahahaha yeah

*I don't count myself in that category. I subscribe to the view of Vincent Chase in Entourage: I don't want to be anyone's first, and I don't want to be anyone's last.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

She's arching her back she screams for more

It's been a while since I last shared any of my music with any of you. I meant to post this mix a long time ago, but apparently I never got around to actually doing it. Better late than never though, right? It's a mix I put together for an ex-girlfriend who'd moved to Germany, hence the title: Since She Went Away (click to download).

It's dated, but remains one of my favorites*.

Track Titles/Artist Names
Magheeta - My Morning Jacket
Me vs. Maradonna vs. Elvis - Brand New
Rapture - Pedro the Lion
Consequence Free - Great Big Sea
The Guitar Man - Cake
Static on the Radio - Jim White
Mr. Brightside - The Killers
That's Me Trying - William Shatner
Easy - Faith No More
Hey Pretty (Remix) - Poe
Bend and Break - Keane
Rue the Day - The Walkmen
Gravity Rides Everything - Modest Mouse
Sweet Jane - Cowboy Junkies
Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own - U2


*All except for one song which I'm embarrassed to have on there. I skip it every time I play this cd now. I'll let you try to guess which one it is.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Some things that you might like to see but they're all addressed to me

I just got an email from a friend who got his master's degree with me regarding the Christmas card I sent him.


We got an envelope in the mail from you today. But that's all it was, just an envelope. Nothing inside. I'll say, that's a pretty inexpensive way to let people know you're thinking about them, no expensive cards, just an envelope. We're thinking we may try that next year.

How are things? What's the forecast for you leaving Las Vegas?

We hope things are going well for you. Thanks for the Christmas envelope. I told [Wife], "At least he used a Christmas stamp!"

Have a Merry Christmas, [Minnow]!

Great. Now I wonder how many other "Christmas envelopes" I sent out.

The ghost of my dance instructor pushed me down into an open grave

We're all going to die someday. It's good to let people know what your wishes are for your funeral, burial, etc. So, depending on what the circumstances of my death are, here are some potential things for my family to put on my headstone.

- What are you staring at?

- The badger won.

- I will haunt every last one of you.

- He died like he lived - on fire.

- The ground needed to be fed.

- It's getting hard to breathe down here.

- Attention graverobbers: No treasure buried in this coffin.

- His heart exploded from doing too much coke.

- Lived a life worthy of The Jerry Springer Show.

- I shaved my balls for this?

- I'm just sayin'. I'm dead.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Even though you know what you know I know that I'm ready to leave

From: [Fall '08 Student]
To: [Native Minnow]
Subject: I passed

Hey [Minnow] just wanted to let you know that you will not be seeing me in
[class] again next semester because I passed. Be it only with a C but I
passed. Guess I didn't need to buy you dinner after all. :)

[Fall '08 Student]


From: [Native Minnow]
To: [Fall '08 Student]
Subject: Re: I passed

I knew you'd pull it off. Congrats!



From: [Fall '08 Student]
To: [Native Minnow]
Subject: Re: I passed

Thanks [Minnow]....... and you really were the best TA I have had in my 3 years [here] and the cutest :) even though I loved to give you a hard time during class. :)

[Fall '08 Student]

Yup. I've still got it.

Friday, December 19, 2008

You're older than you've ever been, and now you're even older, and now you're older still

Post Office Clerk: How far away is [Town Where My Parents Live]?

Me: Oh, about four hours.

Post Office Clerk: Four hours? Why are you even sending these gifts? Just drive them up there. That way you get to see your family too.

Me: That's what I should do, but I just don't think it's going to happen this year.

Post Office Clerk: Why not?

Me: A number of reasons. Time contraints. Money. Also, my daughter doesn't want to leave because her boyfriend is coming to town for a visit and she feels like she needs to see him while he's here.

Post Office Clerk: Man, you don't look old enough to have a daughter with a boyfriend.

Me: I'm not.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Ain't nobody gonna give nobody what they really need anyway

Me: You know, I'm not saying that [Girl]'s not a special lady. I'm just saying you have to be careful that you're not setting the bar too high this Christmas by giving her that much.

Friend: I'm just trying to be a good boyfriend. You know, [Minnow], you gotta keep the bitches happy.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I'm your Testarossa, first gear, watch me go, keep 'em in fear

Driving Togers to school this morning we started joking around about what he wanted for Christmas. I told him all he was getting was a pack of gum. Cheapest. Christmas. Ever. I then joked about how some kid in his class would get a plasma tv for his room, complete with surround sound, all three video game consoles, and a Ferrari, even though they're only twelve. Then he could say, "Oh yeah? Well check out this pack of gum! It's spearmint!"

Togers then told me that there is a kid in his class who has a Ferrari, and it's his own, not his parents'.

Did I mention that they're only twelve?

I've failed as a parent.

The last thing I told him when he got out of the car: "Have a good day. Go make friends with [Ferrari Kid]."

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Santa's sweaty and he smells like beer

I've got nothing. So once again I'm going to resort to potty humor. Here's my list of inappropriate Christmas songs:

I Saw Mommy Humping Santa Claus

Jingle Ball Rock

Frosty the Crackhead

I'm Dreaming Of A White Hooker

Angels We Have Heard Are High (on meth)

Rudolf the Racist Reindeer

Silver Balls

I Came Upon A Midnight Clear

Monday, December 15, 2008

That's why I'm easy, easy like a Sunday morning

There are worse ways to spend a Sunday than this:

Saturday, December 13, 2008

I'll pay for you anytime

What did you do last night?

Friday, December 12, 2008

Like eating glass

Friend (who had been waiting curbside while I dropped a package off at the UPS store): What took you so long?

Me: It was crazy in there.

Friend: It didn't look like there were that many people.

Me: Well, let's see. First there was the lady who wanted to ship a bunch of gift bags, but couldn't understand that they needed to be packaged into a box first. The lady spent five minutes showing her how to do it, explaining that she'd have to take it out of the store to package it, weighing it to get an estimate on the cost only to have the lady say, "I'll need to check with my sister first to see what she wants to do. She's the one that's paying for it."

Me: Then there was the lady who wanted to insure her package through priority mail, but didn't realize that it's not a post office, so they can't insure it unless you send it through UPS. She ended up shipping it via UPS, but it took her forever to make up her mind.

Me: Then there was the guy who didn't speak any English. He kept trying to talk to the clerks in Spanish, but neither of them spoke it. They were trying to tell him that the person who spoke Spanish would be back in thirty minutes, but he didn't understand them, and they didn't know how to tell him that in Spanish.

Friend: So did you tell him?

Me: No. Fuck that. I don't have anywhere near that much holiday spirit.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Handle for your heart, let's go home

Not all people who think they're going to be doctors make it into medical school. You should be grateful for that. I've finished grading my lab final, and have decided to give you a few reasons to feel that way. Here are the correct answers to some of the questions, coupled with some of my students' responses given in the following format: Correct Answer/They Wrote.

I don't know about you, but I'd like for my doctors to know the difference between these two things.

Left Atrium/Right Ventricle
As we all know, we have four chambers in our hearts. Even if you want to give this guy a pass on the left/right part of this, there's a huge difference between an atrium and a ventricle. Let's hope he never becomes an open heart surgeon.

Even worse. Let's hope this guy doesn't become a heart surgeon either.

One's a muscle that separates your abdominal and thoracic cavities. The other is an organ that detoxifies the blood. I can see it now. "We're sorry. We know your father came in for a liver transplant, but we replaced his diaphragm with the new liver instead. His blood might still get cleaned, but he'll never be able to go up an octave while singing again."

Another hypothetical conversation: "You're going to have to go on dialysis. You have a ruptured spleen. Let's get that sucker out of there since you only need one to survive anyway. What's that? You only have one to start with? Well I'll be doggoned. Glad you said something."

Pharynx/Ventral Nerve Cord
Let's just hope that he doesn't become a neurosurgeon.

Vagina/Bulbourethral Gland
Since the first is found in females, and the second is found in males, I can only assume that this guy is gay.

Cervix/Digestive Gland
When your gynecologist starts fiddling around with your digestive gland (which you don't have* because you're not a crayfish, grasshopper or starfish) it might be time to worry.

Ovary/Vas Deferens
When you're a female and your doctor tries to give you a vasectomy, it also might be cause for concern.

Granted, most of these were from a fetal pig dissection, and not a human (we don't have enough hookers and vagrants around campus to start doing that - at least not without someone noticing), but the anatomies are very similar, and if you're that far off now, I'm glad to do my part to keep you out of med school. The rest of you can thank me later. By sending Christmas presents.

*Ok, you do have some, but they have other names. Like Pancreas.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Just a face in the crowd

Cashier*: You look like you've got a face that's on TV.

Me: Is that so?

Cashier: Yeah. Have you ever been on TV?

Me: No.

Cashier: Are you sure? Not even in a commercial.

Me: Yeah, I'm pretty sure I've never been on TV.

Cashier: That's weird because I swear I've seen you before.

Me: Maybe you're confusing me with who everyone says I look like.

Cashier: Who do people say you look like?

Me: Bill Clinton.

Cashier: Who's that?

Me: Our former president.

Cashier: Oh.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the people of Las Vegas, Nevada.

*This actually happened a month or so ago, but apparently I never got around to blogging about it. Until now.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Milkin' the turkey

I didn't wear a short skirt, or expose my cleavage or midriff at Mr M's parent-teacher conference. I didn't meet any hot moms either. Oh well. It was still worth it when his teacher showed me the picture Mr M drew for Thanksgiving.

That would be him. Killing a turkey. With a bow and arrow.

I don't know whether to be amused, or afraid.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Stacy, can I come over after school? We can hang around by the pool.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to Mr M's school for a parent-teacher conference. Friday he brought home a note from his teacher. It read:

"Appropriate Dress Attire For Parent Volunteers/Visitors
When volunteering/visiting at [School's Name], parents are expected to wear attire that reflects the boundaries outlined in the [School's] Dress Regulation for students. We ask that parents do not wear spaghetti straps, shorts or skirts that are shorter than fingertip length, or clothing that exposes the midriff and/or the chest area."

The fact that they send this note home tells me they've had trouble with parents showing up in inappropriate attire. This being Vegas, I can only assume there are strippers with children at the school. Seriously, I have got to meet some of the other students' mothers.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

It's a small world after all

The reasons why I am simultaneously the world's best and the world's worst dad:

Tortellini is in Disneyland for the weekend.

Togers and Mr M are not.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

You say, I like what you say, I like what you say

I'm taking a page out of the Book of Troll for today's post. I need to poll you guys in order to see what the general consensus is on three very important questions.

1) What is the proper etiquette when you're sitting in a public restroom stall, taking a dump, and someone else walks in?
a) It makes no difference. You go ahead and finish, wipe, and leave the stall to wash your hands.
b) You pause, and wait for them to leave the restroom before dropping the rest of the kids off at the pool.
c) You make as much noise as possible, grunting and farting loudly, in an attempt to scare them off.
d) You finish, and wipe, but wait until they leave before exiting the stall.
e) It depends on how far along you are in the dumpage when they walk in.

2) Is it possible to be Jewish and a Quaker?
a) Yes
b) No
c) It depends

3) Let's say that hypothetically you'd let your laundry pile up long enough that you had no more clean underwear. Do you
a) put off going about your day until you've done some laundry?
b) put on a pair of dirty underwear and go about your day?
c) go commando long enough to run to the store and buy some more underwear?
d) go commando for the entire day, but make sure to do laundry when you get home?
e) go commando for the rest of your life, because who wears underwear anyway?

Your input is greatly appreciated.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

I'm coming up only to hold you under

Today my students took their lab final. I don't let them in the room beforehand for obvious reasons, so I stood out in the hall with them to answer any last minute questions. Five students were lined up against the wall. All five were wearing black. Coincidentally, so was I.

Me: Looks like you guys are all on your way to a funeral.

Student: You're wearing black too.

Me: That's because I'm at a funeral.

Student: True. You're standing where hopes and dreams go to die.

He must not have been feeling overly confident.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Before you point your finger you should know that I'm the man

My Brother: I have to run to the store real quick. Come with me.

Me: Ok. Let me grab my sweatshirt.

17 Year Old Niece: Hey! Where are you going?

Me: I'm going with your dad.

Niece: Can I come?

Me: No. We're doing some male bonding.

Niece: I don't know what that's supposed to mean.

Me: Alright. I shouldn't tell you this, but your dad and I are going to get a Thai hooker.

Niece: Good luck finding one of those. This is Utah, not Vegas.

Me: They're around. You just need to know where to look.