Friday, October 31, 2008

You know I'd even learn to cut my throat if I thought I could fit in

Because I don't have anything else to write about, and because I just listened to this song last night, and because it's one of my favorite songs ever, and because it talks about vampires and slit throats and stuff, and because it's Halloween and vampires and slit throats and stuff are in fashion, and because I like writing run-on sentences, I'm just going to post the lyrics to this song today and hope you enjoy it. The end.

I could break free from the wood of a coffin if I need
But nothin's hard as gettin' free from places I've already been
I've been waste deep in the burnin' metals of my mind
In the engine
In cold December
Shootin' fire from a hose
Now turn off your lights
'Cause I'm not coming home
'Til I'm delivered for the first time

I was first born to a parade that follows in rows
Down the narrow cold black river of faceless shadows
moving slow

I would move swift when the sounds of a trumpet would blow
I've been the puppet
I've been the strings
I know the vacant face it brings

Now bells of curfew
They may ring before I'm through
But soon I'll be delivered for the first time

You might keep clean in the back of an angel motorcade
It doesn't matter who walks in you know
The joke is still the same

You'll just wake up like a disposable lover decomposed
I've been gone
I've been remembered
I've been alive
I've been a ghost

So now if downtown explodes
I'll still be on this road
'Til I'm delivered for the first time

I have drawn blood from the neckline when vampires were in fashion
You know I'd even learn to cut my throat if I thought I could fit in
'cause I once heard that you gotta learn to blend in to this mess
But nothing's hard
Nothin's precious
Nothin's smooth or flawless

Now no more amused just screaming to
Be delivered for the first time

Now I'm ten miles in the deep in the mighty blue sea
Looking back towards a long white beach burnin' up in the yellow flames

And I just wave back like a little boy up on a pony at the show
'Cause I can't fix anything this complex
Any more than I can build a rose

So just keep on letting go
'Cause I must be close
To being delivered for the first time

Now I'd rather bleed out a long stream from being lonely and feel blessed
Than drown laying face down in a puddle of respect
I was once lost in the corridors of the arena in blindfolds
I've been the bull
I've been the whip
I just bulled down a matador

So now turn on your lights
Because I'm coming home
I've been delivered for the first time

Thursday, October 30, 2008

It's nothing personal, you saw to that, you're just a person who does her best work on her back

I've mentioned before how answering a question with the words "Your mom" can sometimes get a person in trouble. I don't care. I still say it because it's funny. It's one of those things I'll probably be saying when I'm 80.

That said, I recently had another instance where it could've gotten me into trouble. It didn't, but it could've.

My kids' step-dad: You get all that for the low, low price of twenty-five cents.

Togers: Wait. What only costs twenty-five cents?

Me: Your mom.

I have to say that nothing beats implying that your ex-wife is a cheap whore in front of your children**, your ex-wife and her husband, and getting laughs from everybody.

*This just happens to be the song stuck in my head right now, so it's not meant to be a statement about my ex.

**Not that they'd understand the implication.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

You know that dying is fine but maybe I wouldn't like death if death were good

This week the students are dissecting starfish. I explained to them that the easiest way to do things was to forget the scalpel and just use scissors. Later, one of them drew this on the board:

Awesome! Poor Patrick Star doesn't even know what's coming.

In a later lab, a student was digging around in the bucket trying to get the last starfish out. Instead, he dropped the tongs into a bucketful of preservative and starfish juice. He didn't want to fish the tongs out because he said it was too gross. I told the rest of the class that it was close to Halloween anyway, so the rest of them were going to have to bob for starfish. Oddly enough, that didn't get the party started.

Monday, October 27, 2008

You're a rocket queen oh yeah, I might be too much but honey you're a bit obscene

I went to a Halloween party on Saturday, and dressed up as Axl Rose. I took the wig, bandana and hat off as soon as I got in my car to leave, and left them there when I got home.

Sunday I took my kids for a drive out to Hoover Dam. As we came back into town we stopped to get some dinner. The kids thought it'd be funny to each take one item and wear it into the restaurant: Tortellini donned the wig, Togers put on the hat, and Mr M was left with the bandana, but he didn't want to wear it.

"No, [Togers]. I wanna wear the gay cop hat."

They all traded items so that Tortellini wore the bandana, Togers wore the wig, and Mr M wore the "gay cop hat". Everybody seemed happy with the new arrangement. It might be time to start worrying about the boys.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Livin' it up while I'm going down

I went to the library earlier this week. As I walked up to the door I saw a tall blonde with an excellent body. She was dressed in the sort of clothes that strippers wear on their day off. You know the outfit, the tight sweat suit sort of things where the pants are riding a little low and the top shows their midriff. I hate it when fat girls wear those things, but luckily, this girl wasn't fat, so I didn't have to gouge my eyes out with a spoon.

I walked in behind her, and we both went to the elevator, which was cool because I got to check her out the entire time without looking like a creep because that's where I was going anyway. Well, maybe I did look like a creep, but I don't care, because I am a creep, but the main point is that she didn't see me looking like a creep. Or so I thought.

The elevator doors opened, and we both got in. She walked to the back of the elevator, and I turned and punched the button for the fifth floor. There were more people getting in behind me, so I also stepped to the back of the elevator. As I took my first step, a hand reached out and smacked me in the middle of my chest. It was the stripper looking girl.

I was stunned. Not by the fact that she hit me hard, but I was trying to figure out how she possibly could have seen me checking her out. It was impossible. I was out of her line of sight the entire time. As my mind raced to try to think of something to say or do I heard her say, "Hey, how are you?"

For the first time I looked at her face. She was a former student of mine, she just looked different because she'd gone and gotten herself some bleached hair and a boob job.

You'd think that'd be enough to make me change my ways, but it won't.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

I tell you what mathematically I'm having it, I want to live on science alone

Do you ever have those days where you wonder why you chose your profession? I had one of those yesterday as I was trying to make it through a paper describing a computer program that looks like it'll do something I've been trying to figure out for a while now.

Here's an exerpt:
The goal is, therefore, to determine for each i from 1 to n such λ(i, zi, ki), where zi = 1 or 2 and 0≤kiKmax, that the resulting solution has the maximum V. In order to do it, we estimate for each λ(i, zi, ki) the maximum V of all the solutions containing that configuration. For any ai in F consider strings F' =a1a2…ai and F" = aiai+1…an. For each λ(i, zi, ki) denote the maximum V of all the aligned solutions of F' that end with λ(i, zi, ki) as P(i, zi, ki). Denote the maximum V of all the aligned solutions of F" that begin with λ(i, zi, ki) as Q(i, zi, ki). Let for a particular λ(i, zi, ki) the sum of the corresponding P and Q be the maximum of all aligned configurations at i. In that case, the maximum V of all the solutions of F containing λ(i, zi, ki) equals the maximum V of any solutions of F.

And on it went, just like that, for another six pages. I didn't understand any of it. I showed it to my advisor and he said something like, "Well, with that many equations, it must be right."

Words to live by.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

No I wouldn't be a liar if I told you that

Student: How can you trust a liar that say's he's not lying?

Me: You can't.

Student: That's the paradox.

Me: Exactly. Because even if he says he is lying, he might not be, in which case he is.

Student: You're making my head hurt.

Me: That's because I just blew your mind.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

You can go ahead and get married and this'll be our secret thing

I attended the most ridiculous wedding ever over the weekend. I wish that words could do it justice, but there's no possible way that they can. Regardless, here are some highlights of the day:

- Two Elvis impersonators sang at the wedding ceremony, which in turn was held in a Vegas wedding chapel.

- The "limo" that transported everyone from the hotel to the chapel and back had not one, but two, stripper poles. They were put to use.

- A real live porn actress was in attendance. She looked like she had a lot of miles on her, but I still would've. Well, except for two things: 1) I ain't got no game, and 2) two of my sisters were there. It was probably more 1 than 2.

- A tour bus slowed to a nearly complete stop so its passengers could take pictures of us while we were taking pictures of ourselves at the Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas sign.

- Someone pointed out that I looked "like a young Bill Clinton" and the bride promptly offered to be my Monica. I said, "Finally, having Bill Clinton as a doppelganger has paid off. Does anyone have a cigar?" Then I apologized to the groom. He said it was unnecessary.

- I overheard someone say, "It's not incest if you only think about it."

- Everyone was told to wear gaudy Vegas attire, so several people, myself included, wore outfits purchased at a store called 'Players' although it could just as easily have been called 'Pimps'. But don't take my word for it, see for yourself:

I wish I could post more pictures, but I don't know how the others would feel about it.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Bringing with them messages of love and everywhere they go love will grow

Overheard this week

Woman: Who is that?

Man: That's your niece

Woman: It is? Oh. I didn't know.

Man: You're a fucking cunt.

Woman (to what I assume was her significant other): See? My brother just called me a fucking cunt, and I don't even care.

Woman (to what I assume were her parents): I called him [motions to significant other] a dickhead the other day and he got all pissed off.

Friday, October 17, 2008

My flying saucer where can you be since that sad night that you sailed away from me

Me (answering the phone): Hello?

Ex-Wife: [Mr M] is crying. Can you please talk to him?

Me: Sure. What's he crying about?

Ex-Wife: He's upset because E.T. went home.

Nevermind the fact that he's a few decades behind the times, I may have to go smack the kid around some to toughen him up a bit.

And who built the house of brotherly love, then let the devil come dancin' in?

Just when I think I've seen it all, I come across something like this:

Finally! A porn site for God fearing folks.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Wild sex in the working class

Friend: Are you planning on going to Mexico for the [meeting] in January?

Me: I'd kind of like to go, but I don't think I can afford it.

Friend: What do you mean you can't afford it? There are grants you can apply for, so it wouldn't cost you anything. And, if you ever want to visit Mexico, this would be the place to visit.

Me: The grants aren't going to cover everything. But, after the meeting we could go down to the vacation spot a few miles away and hit on all the girls who are there.

Friend: Wait, you want vacation sex?

Me: Sure. Why not?

Friend: We live in the capital of vacation sex. If that's all you want, there's no need to go all the way to Mexico.

Sounds like I need to start spending some more time hanging out on The Strip.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Meet the creeper

This picture illustrates why my kids are awesome:

I'm not even sure which one drew it, but my guess would be Tortellini. However, her handwriting is usually better than that, so it could've been Togers. Either way, it cracked me up.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

She's got hands like a mans with hair on the back, she'll crush you in her embrace

I have a friend who is preparing to take his comprehensive exam. He's sworn off alcohol from now until he takes them so that he can maximize productivity, even on weekends. He will, however, still come hang out with us because he's got about a month between now and then and outright panic hasn't set in yet. Last night we were hanging out, but the place we were at was pretty dead so there was talk about going elsewhere.

Friend 1: Let's get out of here.
Friend 2: Ok, but where should we go?
Friend 1: I don't know. Anywhere but here. This place is dead.
Friend 2: Want to go to the trannie bar?
Friend 1: I don't know. Do they serve O'Doul's there?
Friend 3: Wait. He wants to go to a trannie bar, and your biggest concern is whether or not they have O'Doul's? I think there are larger issues at stake.

I guess some people just have different priorities than others.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Adam took the apple I was not involved, I'm not responsible for how lost we are

If you needed confirmation that my mind is, in fact, always in the gutter, I'll go ahead and confirm that now. Take this drawing for example. I draw and label it every semester when we get to the lab that deals with flowering plants. It illustrates the different tissue layers of a fruit.

But this is what I always think of when I'm drawing it. I just don't label it this way.

Maybe I just need an art class.

[Note: Some of my students feel the same way. It was their suggestion that I draw a better stem (the one pictured here) to avoid such comparisons.]

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Party, party with the animals, party

Nooooooo!!! This just ruined my day. If not my life.

If ever there was a time for a bail-out, now would be it.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Today the retard speaks to me and now I have it all

Me: Let's just say that I don't think Sarah Palin's Down's Syndrome son is the only one in that family that's retarded.

Guy: I have a sister with Down's Syndrome.

Me: No you don't. Really?

Guy: Yeah. Really.

Me: Oh. Sorry.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Monday, October 06, 2008

The clowns of death are marching

Me: Have fun at your nephew's birthday party.

Friend: I will.

Me: Don't punch any clowns.

Friend: I'm going to donkey punch a clown.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Purple toupee and gold lamé will turn your brain around

Ex-Wife: [Mr M], did you cut your hair?

Mr M: No.

Ex-Wife (pointing): Then why is your hair shorter right here?

Mr M: Maybe I was walking when it was windy, and something sharp blew across it.

Ex-Wife: Or maybe you cut it.

Mr M: You don't have any evidence for that.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Keep on rockin' in the free world

Forget McCain and Palin. Forget Obama and Biden. I'm voting for this guy!

I woke up this morning with a bad hangover, And my penis was missing again

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the most phallic plant root model ever created:

Photo taken by [Ginger] and texted to me with the subject line: Penis or root tip?

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Prettiest girl in the whole wide room

While proctoring exams my friends and I usually like to play a little game called 'Who's Best?' This is when you must find the girl you think is prettiest, and point her out to the other guys who are helping proctor. (And you thought we were watching for cheaters - Ha!)

I approached my friend as the exam was winding down and only a fifth of the students were left. I told him it was time to play round two. He said, "That's funny. I was just going to tell you we were going to play 'Who's Left?'"

It's a great game, and it gets more difficult as time goes on. Pretty soon you're forced to choose between some very ugly girls.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Besides I don't wanna be the one who's coming out first

I found out yesterday that one of my former students thinks I'm gay. He was talking to a gay guy I know, and told him that I set off his gaydar. I think he needs to take his gaydar in for a tune up if that's the case.

I told another friend about that while he and I were proctoring an exam. We had this conversation when we finished:

Friend: I'll see you later.
Me: At trivia.
Friend: Did you really feel the need to clarify?
Me: Well, yeah, since apparently I set off people's gaydar.
Other Proctor: In that case, you should've said something different than "at trivia", because that doesn't necessarily say you're not gay.

The other proctor had a valid point. Here are some things I could've said instead:

See you later . . .

. . . at the football game.
. . . at the gun show.
. . . at the rattlesnake round-up.
. . . at the demolition derby.
. . . at the ultimate fighting cage match.
. . . at the bear hunt.