Thursday, April 29, 2010

Forget about feelings, that's not what pays

Student (about to turn in his lab final): How can we find out our grades?

Me: I'll have them posted outside the lab sometime tomorrow.

Student: Is there any chance for extra credit?

Me: No.

Student: You need your car washed or anything?

Me: No.

Student: Need a tall blonde girl? I could see about sending a hottie your way.

Me: No, I think I'm good.

Another student approached me and said that the one who made the "offer" shoots porno films.

Which means he probably could've delivered the goods.

Which means . . .


Monday, April 26, 2010

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I take a look at my life and realize there's not much left

Has it really been a whole week since I last posted? Sorry. I've been busy. With your mom.

(Just kidding. That's not your mom. That's a huge 'statue' that was at Rhyolite, a ghost town that used to be the largest boom town in Nevada [even bigger than Vegas from 1905-1911]).

I went to Death Valley again. One of my friends had never been, and we heard that wildflowers were blooming everywhere, so we figured now was as good a time as any. But before we got to there we stopped at Rhyolite. There was one house that was built out of bottles in 1906 - ironically it was one of the only buildings left standing:

A monument to the miners that used to live there:

And what's a ghost town without some ghosts?

One of them was about to steal a bike.

There was also a couch that looked like it could have been one of Anonymous Boxer's projects:

Entering Death Valley:

There were a fair number of flowers

And cacti:

One of the craziest things in Death Valley is this place called Scotty's Castle. Who builds a castle in the middle of the desert? Scotty. That's who.

And of course, Badwater. The lowest elevation in the western hemisphere:

Sea level is marked way up on these rocks (but you may have to click on the picture to be able to see it).

The trip was made even better by the bags of candy we bought at this huge candy store out in the middle of nowhere. I hope your weekend was as good as mine.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I used to love her, but I had to kill her, I knew I'd miss her, so I had to keep her, she's buried right in my back yard

Tonight I went to pub trivia with some friends. One of the questions asked which artist went on tour in 2004, played in 96 U. S. cities and became the highest grossing male artist. We had no idea. We just started naming artists that we thought might fit the bill, even if we didn't know they were on tour that year. I guessed Sting.

My friend said, "That's it! You got it."

I said, "I don't know. I was just throwing that out there. I don't really think it's him."

She replied, "I do. I'm 100% sure. If I'm wrong, you can murder me."

"How about if you're wrong you just give me a bj instead?"

"How about you can murder me, then have sex with my still warm corpse?"


The answer was Prince.

When the guy announced that, I acted like I was going to choke her.

She said, "I'd like to recant and just blow you instead. I don't want to die."

I don't know. It seems to me that if you're willing to put the stakes that high, then you ought to be willing to pay the price if you are, in fact, wrong.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

These snakes is slitherin' with dollar signs in they eyes

My office is just around the corner from a classroom. Herpetology is currently being taught there now. The other day my friend and I were talking in my office, and the herpetology TA was out in the hall making noise while she was doing something.

Me: What is she doing out there?

Friend: It looks like she's playing around with a bunch of snakes in the hallway.


Unbeknownst to me, class was in session.

And they were taking a test.

Yes, they all heard.

Friday, April 16, 2010

And I get lonely, but I ain't that lonely yet

A little over a month ago I got a text from a friend as I was getting ready for bed. Apparently there was something extremely funny written on a mutual friend's facebook page, and she said I needed to go check it out.

I did.

It was a comment left by a gay friend of theirs. He asked her what she thought my reaction would be if he offered me a "no-strings attached" blow job.

At the time I joked that I didn't know if I should be repulsed, flattered, or both.

I told the story to another of my friends and she thought it was hilarious. She did a little cyberstalking and came to the conclusion that this guy would make a pretty hot chick. Her take: "I think you should just put him in a dress and go for it."

Fast forward to today's departmental seminar. I was sitting next to the girl who initially alerted me to the comment, and she pointed out that the kid was also in the audience. Another friend that I was sitting by had heard the story and wanted to see what the guy looked like. We pointed him out.

"That's a GUY?"


"You're sure?"

"Yeah. Why? Don't tell me you're going to be of the same mind as [Friend] when she saw his pictures."

"What did she say again?"

"She said I should just put him in a dress and go for it."

"I think she might be right."

I seriously need to figure out a way to stop these apparent gay vibes from emanating out from me.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

So come along and play my game, you'll never be the same

This week I had to cover a friend's lab because she couldn't be there. It happens to be the week of a short field trip where we visit a place about thirty minutes away from campus. We shuttle students out there in twelve passenger vans. As I pulled out of the parking lot with a van full of students, I went over a speed bump too fast, and bounced the students in the back seat around a little.

Me: Sorry.

Student: What? You're not used to driving a big van like this?

Me: Not like this. The van I drive doesn't have any windows.

Student: Or passengers?

Me: Exactly. And I usually drive a lot slower as I'm patrolling neighborhoods looking for kids to offer free candy to.

Student: . . .

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I won't let you bury it, won't let you smother it, won't let you murder it

Last Saturday I saw Muse play at Mandalay Bay. It was possibly the best concert experience of my life. And thanks to the internets, I can share some of it with you. Here are some pictures that some people posted of the show:

And here are some videos:

Muse 4/10/10 - Intro and Uprising

Time is Running Out


Supermassive Black Hole

United States of Eurasia

Feeling Good

Stockholm Syndrome

New Born (Bad sound, but the lights were really cool for this song)

I can actually see myself in the crowd in he Starlight and Supermassive Black Hole videos.

Don't be jealous.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

It ain't pretty when the pretty leaves you with no place to go

Friday night I was out with friends, and the place we were at was packed. One of my friends pointed out a girl at the table next to us because she wanted my opinion on whether the girl was attractive. She was. Later in the evening, that girl tried making her way to the bathroom, but there were people in her way. One of them accidentally bumped her and she got a disgusted look on her face and threw her hands up in the air.

I thought her reaction was a little over the top. After all, you're going to get bumped when you're trying to make your way through dancing people in a crowded place. Apparently my friend agreed with me because she leaned over and said, "She's not THAT hot. Someone should tell her."

Friday, April 09, 2010

Better late than never

I spent Easter in Arizona with my kids. The weekend started off fine, and even though it ended on a sour note, with me putting myself as a candidate for the worst father ever, it was still nice to see them. It'd been far too long.

We dyed eggs, and Tortellini and Togers hid them in the back yard so that Mr M could go on an Easter egg hunt.

I only had one contribution to the egg hiding, and that was trying to use camouflage to hide this one in the pool.

Tortellini thought it would be fun to draw various things on some of the eggs she colored. They turned out pretty cool. She's creative, that one.

But my favorite egg might have been the one my ex's boyfriend made.

Togers didn't draw on any of his because I told him not to draw a pentagram on an Easter egg.

Mr M got tired of searching for them rather quickly, but persevered and found them all anyway. What a good sport.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

The sporting life

Reason # 3,128 why I love NBA quotes comes from ESPN's recap of last night's Jazz vs. Rockets game:

"We were touching a lot of balls, we were deflecting a lot of passes," said Scola, who had five rebounds, two steals and a block. "We pretty much controlled the whole game."

There you have it - All it takes to win in the NBA is to touch a lot of balls.

Saturday, April 03, 2010

Here comes Peter Cottontail

A few minutes ago I was talking to Mr M about the Easter Bunny coming tomorrow.

"Dad, there's no such thing. The Easter Bunny isn't real. It's just a guy dressed in a bunny suit that comes and leaves candy in your house."

Yeah, dude, 'cause that's less creepy.

Friday, April 02, 2010

We don't need no education

Last night I left my cell phone unattended for a few hours. When I checked it, I had four missed calls from my ex-wife, but no message. I called back to see what was going on, and Togers answered. He sounded very down.

Me: What's going on?

Him: Dad? Mom told me I had to call you about my grades. I got three Ds and two Fs.

Me: [About to launch into a profanity laced tirade]

Him: April Fool's!!!

I can't believe I fell for it.