Saturday, January 30, 2010

She thinks she's the passionate one

Last night there was a bachelorette party at the table next to us at the bar. They were playing some sort of dice game where they needed to do certain things with certain types of people. A half hour or so after they started I heard someone call out to me.

"Are you tall?"

"Yeah, I'm tall."

"Good. Can you come here for a second?"

Then the bachelorette grabbed my hand and started singing to me: "I don't want anybody else, when I think about you I touch myself*."

Apparently the dice told her she needed to sing to a tall guy. I was happy to offer my services.

About an hour later, she walked back over to the table.

"I need a tall guy again. You're my trusty tall guy. You're the one I can sing to. Can you help me again?"

"Sure, no problem."

"Now I'm supposed to do a shot with a tall guy. Will you do a shot with me?"

"Uh, okay."

"What do you want?"

"I don't know. Just get whatever you want. I don't drink."

"You don't drink? What do you mean you don't drink?"

"I mean I don't drink. I've only done a shot once. Twice if you count sake. This will be the third shot I've ever taken in my life."

"We're going to do a Jager Bomb."

So I did a Jager bomb** with her. Who am I do deny a dying*** woman her last wish?

My friend is convinced that I could've made out with her last night. Looking at some pictures that another friend texted me of the event, I think he might be right. She was hanging on me for a little while afterward, posing for pictures and whatnot. I didn't make out with her though. I only gave her a kiss on the cheek.

I'm classy, yo.

*Remember Divinyls?

**It was terrible - don't worry, I'm not going to start drinking.

***Dying, getting married, same diff.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

But now the snow is gone

It rained pretty much all day yesterday. As you can imagine, that much precipitation is pretty rare around here. Someone I follow on Twitter even posted this: Dear Las Vegas: please google "desert" k, thanks. Nobody listened to her, though. It kept raining.

I was walking somewhere mid-day, and when I stepped out into the rain, some cold water dripped down off the roof and onto the back of my neck. That's the thing about living someplace where you hardly ever get rain or snow, you forget to watch out for stuff like that. It was cold. It's times like that I'm glad I don't live somewhere colder. You know, like with snow and stuff. Where you have to worry about trees dumping the snow off their branches, onto your head, and down the back of your neck.

That hasn't always been the case. I've lived in some cold places. I mean COLD places. Like, you're so excited when the temperature finally hits 50 degrees sometime in May that you're out in shorts, t-shirt and sandals and thinking about going for a swim, even though the water temperature in the lake is probably still somewhere in the 30s because the ice just barely melted.

I recently saw a news headline that said they had made it illegal for truck drivers and bus drivers to text while on the road. That, combined with the cold rain water dripping down the back of my neck made me think of some of the things that happened my senior year of high school. Like the fact that one of the bus drivers would READ western novels while driving a busload of kids around on windy mountain roads. You know, because THAT's safe.

One day we were driving the 35 miles or so to school in a snow storm (with the regular bus driver, not the Louis L'amor fan). We're talking blizzard conditions. Like, the only way you could tell where the road went was by looking at the whiteness in front of you, and knowing you were on the road because there weren't any trees. It was kind of scary being that visibility was only about 30 feet anyway. That was before the windshield wipers iced up. The bus driver was faced with a dilemma. He couldn't keep going without being able to clear off the windshield, but he also couldn't stop the bus because if he did there is no way he would have been able to get it moving again. THAT's how much snow was on the road. So he called me to the front of the bus, had me crawl into the small space to his left, reach out the window into the freezing snow and wind, and bang the windshield wiper on the windshield to break the ice off. It was freeeeeeeeeeeezing (yes, that many Es). But I saved the day. We made it to school safely.

By noon, the school had decided to send us back home, so we loaded up on the bus, repeated the procedure. Arrived home safely, despite the fact that they waited until the bus was on the road before they CLOSED THE HIGHWAY. The school district sent a bus full of high school kids traveling home on a snowy mountain road that they knew was about to be closed because of the terrible weather conditions.

Sometimes I wonder how I even survived to see my college years.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Remember yesterday

One of the main differences between now and a year ago.

Now: I don't have much to say, so I don't.

Then: I didn't have much to say, but I did anyway.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

'Cause darlin' you're a whiskey kisser and it's gettin' to me

I have a friend who is going through a break up, and is a little nervous about being back "on the market" after being in a relationship for so long. Looking for some reassurance that things would be okay, she asked me if I thought she was pretty enough to have guys "take a second look."

I told her she was.

She apologized for asking such a vain question, but thanked me for my "candid" answer.

Her: I know that sounds so stupid, but I was just wondering.

Me: I don't think it's stupid at all.

Her: Well, who asks "Hey, am I hot?"

Me: Sometimes I wonder the same thing. I think most people do.

Her: You are super cute. AND you are a doctor!!! You are a catch.

Me: Well thank you. You'd think so.

Her: Yes, I think so. AND you won't get whiskey dick*. That is important. You could put that on a business card.

Me: Maybe I will.

*An added benefit to my not drinking.

Friday, January 22, 2010

I've got science for any occasion, postulating theorems formulating equations

In one of my classes this week I was explaining the scientific method to my students.

"The first step is observation, which is basically just that you notice something and start thinking about the reason why that's what you see. Then you develop a hypothesis that might explain your observations, and make predictions based on that hypothesis. Next you design an experiment to test the hypothesis, you analyze the results of the experiment, and draw conclusions based on those results. You can determine if the results support the hypothesis, and if they don't, you come up with an alternative hypothesis and test that."

Then I gave them an example of something that I'd been talking about in my other classes this week: sexual selection in guppies.

"Male guppies have colored spots all over their bodies, which turns out to be a way that females choose which males to mate with. People have done experiments to show that, but it all started with someone making the observation that males are brightly colored and females aren't. Then they came up with a hypothesis about it being related to female mate choice, and designed a set of experiments to test that. Think about it. You could basically set up a tank with a female and two different males, one brightly colored one and one dull one, and sit and watch to see which one the female mated with. It'd be like watching fish porn. But that's probably not the kind of stuff you want to go look up on YouTube."

I probably should have left the last two sentences unspoken.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Go ahead put your red dress on

I'm preparing another manuscript to submit for publication. My Ph D adviser thinks it's close to being ready, but the more I look at it the more problems I seem to find. I tried to address one of those problems yesterday, but the way I did it didn't quite seem to fit right, so I thought I'd ask a friend what he thought about how I should address the issue.

Me: I need your opinion on something.

Him: I'd suggest you try wearing women's clothes for at least a few days before you get yourself snipped.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

There ain't no Johnny coming home to share a bed with her, and she doesn't care

People of the internets, I need you to clarify something for me. Which of the following two options best fits your definition of a one night stand?

Option 1
A one night stand can be between you and someone you already know, you hook up once, and you might see each other again, but if you do it'll be without doing the nasty.

Option 2
A one night stand is between you and someone you've just met, you do the deed, then go on your separate ways without any sort of plan to see each other again.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Well first came an action and then a reaction

Last night at the bar:

Girl: I'm going to the restroom. Make sure nobody goes through my purse.

Me: You're trusting me? I'm going to go through it myself. I'm going to steal your birth control.

Girl: My tubes are tied.

Me: Oh. Sorry?

Friday, January 15, 2010

All the kids are staying fat

I have a friend who recently got a boob job. She and I used to have the same workout schedule, so I texted her yesterday to see if she was able to work out yet.

Me: Been to the gym lately, or is it too soon for The Girls?

Her: Been asking to see if anyone wants to go, but everyone's busy. I can do cardio, but no lifting. I really need to go. I'm flabby. And I need to buy a new gym top because the old one can't contain the new excitement.

Me: I'm going a little later. Probably just treadmill stuff. I'm flabby too.

When I went to type 'flabby' my predictive text tried to put 'flaccid' instead. Of all the times I should be glad I read my texts as I write them instead of just sending them off, this has to be near the top of the list.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Hey shorty

Me: At least I think it was her that texted me, I didn't save her number in my phone when she gave it to me.

Friend: Well, do you want me to look it up in my phone? Here, look, is that the number?

Me: Oh no, not her, the other [Girl's Name]. The short blonde girl that's in your class.

Friend: She's not short. She's tall.

Me: Well, she's short compared to me.

Friend: What the fuck? That's it. You are no longer allowed to comment on girls' height. The only thing you can say is that she's tall if she's taller than you.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Give me my money back, you bitch

While I'm on the subject of refunds, here's an old favorite song of mine dealing with the same topic:

Ben Folds Five - Song for the Dumped

Monday, January 11, 2010

The day I realized I wanted to spend my life with you

I recently learned a method that some guys use to remember anniversaries. They save the receipts from every first date they go on. That way, should things work out, they have something to refer back to in case they need to remember the date. Supposedly women are impressed when guys can remember that stuff.

I've never had a problem remembering what I did on a first date with someone, but sometimes I do have trouble remembering what day it was. Part of that might be because I've always felt like anniversaries should only be celebrated by married people (or perhaps couples engaged to be married), because how do you decide what date to celebrate otherwise? The day you met? The day you first kissed? The day you decided to become exclusive? It all seems rather arbitrary. Keeping receipts seems like too much effort anyway, so it's not likely that I'll start using that method* anytime soon, but it did get me thinking. If saving a receipt helps get you brownie points if things work out, what do you do when things don't? I assume most guys just throw the receipts away once it's become obvious there will be no more dates with a specific woman. But they shouldn't. Instead, they should be able to use those receipts to get a refund**.

Bought a woman a drink, but didn't get her number? Refund.

Went to a chick flick, but she wouldn't hold your hand? Refund.

Took her to a nice dinner, but she didn't kiss you goodnight? Refund.

Weekend getaway at a bed and breakfast, but you ended up fighting the whole time? Refund.

Paid for a hotel room, but the cops busted down the door to arrest you for soliciting a prostitute before you were able to seal the deal? Refund.

Seems fair enough, right?

*Not like I date that many women anyway.

**I mean, after all, if you can get a refund on a rollercoaster ride, you should be able to get a refund on a date that went wrong.

Friday, January 08, 2010

Heart attack, heart attack man

I had a bit of a scare yesterday when I got this in an email from the Graduate Affairs Coordinator: Are you going to place a Spring 2010 Graduation Application in my mailbox?

I wrote back: I already graduated, didn't I?

She didn't respond, so I tore open one of the official transcripts I purchased the other day to send out with job applications. My graduation date is, in fact, stamped at the top, so I don't think they're taking my degree back.

But if they did, I wouldn't have to worry about paying back student loans, would I?

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

So sentimental, not sentimental no

Once again, it's time to share the highlights from my TA evaluations from last semester. As always, these are taken verbatim from the evaluations themselves, so don't blame me for spelling and grammatical errors.

The Lab
What was your favorite lab exercise? Why?
- Pig disection. We Disected a PIG!
- Push ups. It gets me pumped.
- Invertebrate diversity I and II. Because worms, clams, and crawfish are probably the most exciting organisms to dissect. Also the starfish gonads get me excited.

Which lab experienced was most informative and educational for you?
- [Field Trip]. On the ride up, a fellow student said to his friend, "Why does anyone come out here? There's nothing out here, and Vegas is 15 min away!" I learned people can be dumb. And I'm a biased jerk.

What was your least favorite lab exercise? Why?
- Everything with plants, hate plants.
- Invertebrates =( gross

What is the major weakness of the lab?
- The pine cones suck
- Some ppl suck

The Laboratory Instructor
How would you rate your lab instructor as a teacher?
- Bill Clinton!

Assess your lab instructor's knowledge about the topics covered
- Pro!!!
- Freakishly thorough
- He knew everything we needed to know . . . and nothing more.
- He is smart, yo!

Assess your lab instructor's examination policy, fairness, and grading.
- Very fair! Especially in all situations.

What were his/her strong points?
- Being a damn good man.
- You are awesome, [Minnow]! Hot and helpful.
- Pure awesomeness.
- Euthuastic*

How could he/she improve?
- By giving me more 10/10.
- Listen to better music. Just kidding! :)
- Build a time machine and convince former self to not get married.
- In every way imaginable. Just kidding. Nah, just kidding again. No, just kidding. Again.

Then there was the guy who merely wrote "I &hearts [Minnow]" across the entire page, and also signed his name. Should I be flattered? Or afraid?

*Pretty sure they meant enthusiastic.

Monday, January 04, 2010

I just wanna be your firecracker, and maybe be your baby tonight

Friend: I was talking to an old friend of mine who's about to have her second kid. She's married, and happy, but you know what she told me she missed the most about being single?

Me: What?

Friend: She said she missed the anonymous sex. Isn't that terrible?

Me: That's pretty funny.

Friend: I just can't believe anyone would say they miss that. Can you?

Me: I wouldn't know. I've never had a one night stand.

Friend: WHAT!?!? Never?

Me: Never.

Friend: How can you not have had a one night stand*?

Me: How long have you known me? Does that sound like something I'd do? Besides, I can't even pick up on girls, let alone be able to seal the deal in one night.

Friend: A one night stand is something that should be on your bucket list.

Me: That doesn't really seem like a bucket list sort of thing.

Friend: Put it on your bucket list. Do it right now.

*I should've asked my friend how many one night stands she's had, but maybe that sort of thing is best left unsaid.

Saturday, January 02, 2010

I don't know the time of day or the color of the clothes I'm wearin'

A day or two after Christmas Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend came over and watched a movie with me. About halfway through the movie she took her glasses off and placed them on the coffee table. A few minutes later there was a scene where everyone was speaking Spanish with subtitles.

Me: Do you need me to grab your glasses so you can read the subtitles?
Her: I don't need to read the subtitles.
Me: Yes you do. Otherwise you won't know what's going on in the movie.
Her: No. I don't!
Me: Oh yeah.

Seems I'd forgotten that English is, in fact, her second language.