Monday, July 31, 2006
The two of us were walking when we got cut off by a guy in a wheelchair. When it happened, I leaned over to my friend and muttered "Do you mind? I'm trying to walk here."
It was another one of those moments when my friend (who is agnostic) was afraid to walk next to me for fear of being struck by lightening. I'm pretty sure I'm going to Hell, but you have to admit, that is funny.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Three of these things belong together
Three of these things are kinda the same
One of these things is doing it's own thing
Now it's time to play that game
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Right now I am swamped with work, but last night around 7:00 I decided to take a break and meet up with some friends. I told them I was only going to stay for an hour or two, get some dinner, and then go home and do some more reading. Somehow that turned into me just walking through my door at 10:34 a.m. I'm not going to go into the details right now, but it was for good reasons (and no, it did not involve hanky panky - unfortunately).
While we were out, we were giving one of our friends a hard time about something, and she said, "I hate you guys. But, you know I love you too."
One of my other friends perked up and said, "Did she just say she loves us?"
I replied, "Yeah, but don't get your hopes up. I think she was talking about love without friction."
"You mean like real fairy tale love? Like, we're friends and I care about you and shit?"
Friday, July 28, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Well, this morning my brain is playing Billy Joel's "We didn't start the fire." Since it's stuck in my head I thought I'd see if I could get it stuck in yours as well.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
I have a friend who was there, but she had just gotten a new tattoo so she couldn't go into the water. She was sitting on the edge of the pool and I was standing in the water talking to her when I felt a tug on my bathing suit. No, it wasn't that kind of a tug. One of my friends had come up behind me and tried to pull my bathing suit down. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I had pushed him off his air mattress a few minutes earlier. The important thing is that he was unsuccessful, the bathing suit stayed on. I think I owe a big thank you to the guy who invented the drawstring.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
I'm here to tell you that a bathroom is no place to expect to encounter good smells. This is not a shocking revelation. The primary reason that a bathroom stinks is because there are little particles of poop floating around in the air that go up your nose and bind to such receptors. It's probably some evolutionary thing that prevents us from trying to eat it or something, although I've never actually heard that nor do I have any evidence to support this claim.
Why do I bring this up you ask? Because it is the idea of little particles of poop floating around that causes me to have to spit my gum out every time I go into a bathroom. I'll be damned of those poop particles are going to get stuck in my gum where I'll have to chew on them for the rest of the day.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Since the world revolves around me I think this should be required. If not, then there should be some kind of standardized bumper sticker that they're required to put on there which says something along the lines of "My grandkids are cuter than yours."
I'm glad we got that taken care of.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Her: "You're bed isn't big enough for all three of them?"
Her: "What size of bed do you have? Just a double?"
Me: "How about just a twin."
Her: "Oh, that's sad."
Me: "Well, I haven't bought anything bigger since my divorce because when I do I want to get something really nice, probably an entire bedroom set, not just a metal frame and mattress, but I can't afford that yet. Besides, it's not like there's a steady stream of women coming in and out that I need to impress."
Her: "Have you seen 'The 40 Year Old Virgin?' You're kind of like that, except you're not a virgin. It's more like 30 year old loser."
I love the people I work with. They're such self esteem boosters.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
He showed up at my office when we were ready to go and said, "Thank you so much for doing this. I promise, I'll give you road head on the way over."
He didn't. I guess we'll have to find some other way he can make it up to me.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
About three weeks into the course I got an anonymous email. It was from a name that I didn't recognize, and it read "Can we go out?"
I didn't respond. Then a few days later I got another one from the same email address (which had a name that was not on my class roster - I checked). This one said "I hope you're not mad. Just think of it as a joke, ok? You're always joking around. Email me back, ok?"
I still didn't respond. A few days after that I got another email that said "What is DNA? You should email me back because this time it's about lecture."
I wrote back and said "No offense, but I haven't responded because I don't know who you are."
They replied "Fortunately, I'm one of your students."
I just left it at that. Then, a few days after the course ended a student showed up at my office. At first she said that she wanted to pick up her final exam, but that she had something else to ask me too. Then, after working to get up the nerve, she told me that she wanted to get to know me better than as a professor and wanted to know if we could go out on a date. Even with the emails that I had received, it completely caught me off guard. I didn't know what to say, and I could tell she felt stupid for asking, so I said that I guess there wouldn't be any harm in grabbing lunch sometime. That turned out to be a mistake. I was thinking that we could get a bite to eat, and then I could tell her that it would be a bad idea to see each other again. Instead I think it led her to believe that I was interested in her. I started getting a bunch of emails, she started hanging around my lecture so that she could see me before and after class, and she showed up at my office with brownies. I can't really blame her, because all of those things would be fine if we were entering into a relationship, and I think that in her mind we were. But it got to the point where it started to freak me out a little. You hear about it all the time, but I think it's the first time that I've been put off by someone coming on too strong.
We didn't go out for lunch. I told her that I felt awkward about the whole situation, and that the more I thought about it, the more I thought it would be a bad idea. I listed a few of the nicer reasons of why I didn't think we should go out, and kept some of the others to myself so as not to hurt her feelings. Thankfully, she understood, and didn't seem to take it too hard. Hopefully she'll have the confidence to approach the next guy she gets a crush on.
I was telling some of my friends about the whole situation the other night. I jokingly referred to her as my stalker. One of my friends had seen the emails, and had seen me talking to this girl, but I hadn't told him about the rest. As I was filling him in on the details we had the following conversation:
Friend 1: "I guess you found out who was sending you those emails then."
Friend 1: "Was it that little Asian girl who's come by the office to ask you questions?"
Me: "Yeah, that's the one."
Friend 2 (to Friend 1): "So you've seen this girl?"
Friend 1: "Yeah, I've seen her."
Friend 2: "Is she cute."
Friend 1: "No."
Friend 3: "If she was cute, he'd be calling her his new girlfriend instead of his stalker."
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
What was your favorite exercise and why?
-Digesting the pig. I found it to be most interesting.
-Cutting up the pig. Was fun to play scientist/doctor on something that was living (please note, the pigs were not actually living).
-Dissect fecal pig.
-Plant labs. They didn't smell.
What was your least favorite exercise and why?
Fetal pigs. I see nothing to be gained from examining a farm animal's insides.
What is the major weakness of the lab?
-It has a slow start, not very fun to be in.
-Jumping directly from plants to animals (is there really any other kind of transition you can make here?).
-Doesn't do enough bench presses.
How would you assess your lab instructor's ability in making things understandable, and their willingness to help?
-Always there to help, it was almost a symbiotic relationship.
How could he/she improve?
-Give away more chocolate in the last lab.
-No more fish shirts, die his hair blue.
-Get a biology tattoo. Dedication counts.
-Grow 2" in height. He isn't tall enough (I'm 6' 4")
What were his/her strong points?
-Those awesome fish shirts he wears (it seems they were divided on this issue).
-Wow, a smart intelligent science teacher with a personality.
Comments about (strengths and weaknesses) the instructor, course, assignments, textbook, etc.
- [He] is way cool to the max. No glaring weaknesses, but him always wearing sandals is just a little weird. [He] Rulez!
-He is a very nice instructor. I understood his lecture much more better than any of my past biology teachers.
-He is very cute super guy.
-Great job man! We should talk more about fermentation.
-He clarified my understanding of meiosis in two minutes. Thank you.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
I replied "Not at all, I think it looks fine. Of course, that's coming from a guy who can't get a chick to save his life, so I'm not sure how much stock you should put into that opinion."
Monday, July 17, 2006
Me: "Well, I don't want you to have to go to Hell on my behalf. Get your ass back in there."
Sunday, July 16, 2006
We've expanded this out into a game of "dibs" and "not it." If one of us sees a cute girl, we call dibs, but when we see an ugly one we call not it. Unless of course the girl is close enough to hear, we wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings after all. In that case, we touch our nose instead of calling out "not it." The joke being that the last one to do so has to sleep with the ugly girl. It's great when we're in any public place, particularly when not everyone is paying attention to their surroundings. Someone is always going to get upset when they find out that they are "it."
There are rare occasions when people will disagree though. We were walking across campus one day and one of my friends called "not it."
Me: "Really? I thought she was kind of cute and was going to call dibs."
Him: "You thought she was cute? That's all you dude."
We then got into a discussion about why I thought she was cute, and why he didn't. Then one of my other friends chimed in with "You two are like the Ebert and Roeper of girls the way you're analyzing this."
My first friend: "Dibs on Roeper!"
I guess that makes me Ebert. Sometimes I hate when I'm "it."
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Friday, July 14, 2006
We stopped and got our goodies, and as we were getting back into the car I looked down and saw an empty Trojan box in the parking lot. Now, I'm a huge advocate of safe sex, but I've never been in such a hurry that I've had to unwrap the condom in the parking lot of the store where I bought it. Seriously, can't it wait?
Maybe this person was mistaken in the kind of protection he was purchasing, but I don't think it was enough to save him if he got into a car accident after that.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Tonight I couldn't remember how fast my car would go before the governor on the engine would kick in. I only got up to 90 before worrying about whether a cop would be around the next corner so I didn't find out for sure. It's at either 97 or 102 mph, but it's been a while since the last time it kicked on. That was one of the luckier moments in my life considering it was when I fell asleep at the wheel in a construction zone on my way from Vegas to Salt Lake City to visit my kids. It gave me a pretty good adrenaline rush. Good enough that I didn't have to worry about falling asleep at the wheel again that night. In fact, that was the last time I've ever dozed off while driving.
The strange thing about that situation is that I didn't panic. I never panic. I'd like to think it's because I'm so brave that I'm not concerned about my own mortality. My dad says it's more likely because all of the males in our family have a gene that makes them stupid. We don't panic because we're too dumb to know that we ought to be scared.
One of these days it's probably going to catch up to me.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
I've destroyed the bond of friendship and respect between the only people left who even look me in the eye
Over the weekend we had a big thunderstorm come through. When we got to the house to pick up the mattress, my friend noticed that his truck was dirty because he hadn't gotten around to washing it yet.
Him (to her): "I hope you don't mind, it's a little dirty in the back."
Me: "It's ok, I heard she likes it dirty."
Him: "In the back."
We found some plastic to line the bed of the truck with in order to keep it clean.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
I already told you about my three year old's potty mouth at the 4th of July pool party. I forgot to tell you about how I had taught him to say (in as deep a voice as a three year old can get) "Say hello to my little friend" just before shooting people with the squirt guns in the pool.
Anyway, imagine that he's just finished saying that here:
I know, I know, it's hard to take someone seriously as a gangster when they require water wings and an inner tube to stay afloat. We're working on that.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Saturday, July 08, 2006
During the show something happened that hasn't happened to me in a while. I got chills. The first time was when they played Line in the Sand, but it happened during a few other songs as well, usually when they'd launch into a song from Ten. It must have been a result of the excitement in the air, but during one of those moments it hit me - I'm getting old. Obviously the songs they were playing mean a lot to me. They'd have to in order to invoke such a response, but I also realized there's a whole generation of people who don't give a damn about Pearl Jam.
It all got me thinking about whether music still has the same overall effect on people growing up today. There are certain albums that played a huge role in my life. Pearl Jam's Ten is one of them. Then there are certain bands that have stayed with me through the years, and album after album has had something good to offer. During this concert I realized that Pearl Jam is one of those bands. Song after song would bring back memories of a different time:
- The move to Flaming Gorge. It was a decision that I hated my parents for at the time, but turned out to be one of the defining events of my life.
- Playing Tecmo Super Bowl on the Nintendo with some of my best friends in the world.
- My honeymoon in Seattle.
- Spending our first winter together living in a small trailer on a hill overlooking the marina we were caretakers of for a few months.
- Starting college, and the friends I made while I was there, some of whom I haven't thought about in years.
- The first time my marriage almost went to shit. We dragged it out for another 5 years or so, which I consider to be a good thing considering it bought me more time with my kids.
- The move to Vegas and a new beginning for me.
I don't know how much longer Pearl Jam will continue putting out albums, or even if they should, but I do know that I should in some way give thanks to them for putting out music that has spoken to me through the years. It's been a hell of a ride.
Friday, July 07, 2006
The professor was from a different department, but one of the friends knew him and did not hold the professor in high esteem. He told the girl that he was a freak and she didn't want any part of him. He said it was probably just because she only saw him in a lecture setting but if she spent any time with him outside of class that it would become apparent immediately.
Just then a second friend walked up who also knew the professor.
Friend #1: "You know him. What do you think of him?"
Friend #2: "That guy? That guy's a fuckin' buttfuck."
He then turned to the girl and said "But you know, that could mean whatever. It could be good, it could be bad."
Thursday, July 06, 2006
One of the drawbacks is that sometimes the dog's not willing to wait for you while you ham it up for the camera.
The first day that my kids were here, my youngest went through the doggie door into the back yard, but couldn't get back in because the door was locked, and didn't want to crawl back through. I went and opened the door and told him to come in the house, but he wouldn't.
Me: "Come on inside, it's too hot out there."
Him: "I can't. I peed my poop."
He's potty trained, but apparently that doesn't count when you're running around in the back yard acting like you're a puppy. It was pretty gross to clean up.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
"Dad, what's puberty? "
Considering that it wasn't really the time or place to have that conversation, I just said "It's changes that happen to your body as you grow up. I'll tell you more about it later when we're not in a public place." That seemed to satsify him so I didn't bring it up again later. I think he's still too young for that talk.
Anyway, his mom came to pick them up today and I told her about it. He overheard me and chimed in:
Him: "It wasn't at the game Dad, it was at the pool party."
Me: "No, it was at the game."
Him: "It was at the party. I'd bet my life on it."
Me: "Dude, I know it was at the game. I remember how you were sitting when you asked. I'd bet my life on it."
Him: "Well Dad, it was nice knowing you."
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Me: "Do you know that dog's name?"
Me (pointing at my friend): "Good, do you know his name?"
Me (pointing at another friend): "Do you know her name?"
I only wish I were making this up.
My three year old fell asleep in the car on the way out, so we didn't stop to eat anywhere before the game. I figured I'd just get them each a hot dog at the park, I just forgot that four hot dogs and drinks at a stadium would cost me $30. Between that and the fact that tickets cost more than I expected I probably spent more than I wanted to, but hopefully it's something they'll remember doing with their dad.
The game was a total blowout. Our team fell behind in the second inning, and before we knew it they were down 12 to 0. My daughter paid more attention to the game than my son who is supposedly interested in baseball, and my three year old started whining to go home starting in the first inning. On top of that, it was hot and humid (for Vegas anyway) and we probably would have left if not for the fact that there was going to be a "fireworks extravaganza" immediately following the game. Every time my three year old said he wanted to go home I told him we had to wait for the fireworks. As soon as they started he forgot all about going home. I'm not sure he's old enough to remember seeing them last year because he was totally captivated by them. Once they started I said "Ok, it's time to go home now." All of a sudden he didn't want to anymore.
Luckily, the home team was actually able to come up with some offense during the last inning and started to score some runs. To my older son's credit, he did start paying attention to the game when there was some excitement there. The last inning and the fireworks were enough to salvage the experience for my kids. They all said that it was fun and that they were glad we went, even though it was hot and muggy and the home team stunk. I'm just thankful for the time I get to spend with them.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam
Translation: I have a catapult. Give me all your money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.
Please note that this will be much more effective if you actually have a catapult and an enormous rock in tow. Otherwise, they'll see it as an empty threat.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
My daughter said that on the way down she was teasing my youngest son. As he was sitting in his booster seat she was tickling his leg and asking him what kind of girls he liked.
"Do you like skinny girls . . . medium girls . . . or fat girls?"
The last part was when he squirmed.
"Oh, you like fat girls huh?"
He started crying and said "I don't LIKE fat girls."
He's only three years old and apparently is already a pig. I guess they really don't fall far from the tree.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
"Taylor (1987) erected the subgenus Paupertryonia for five species from the Rio Grande–Pecos River basin which lack basal papillae on the penis." - Hershler et al. 1999.
I can't be the only one who finds their choice of wording humorous. They had to have used it intentionally, right?