Thursday, July 31, 2008

Don't you know that your life could be lost?

notdory says: how much for Vampire Weekend?

nativeminnow says: $17

notdory says: with fees?

nativeminnow says: I don't know. Probably not.

notdory says: grrr

nativeminnow says: How much do you think fees are? If buying the tickets at the Hard Rock, I wouldn't imagine them being too much, maybe another $3 or so.

notdory says: I was going to say 5 at most.

nativeminnow says: Still, I'd pay $20 to see VW, or $22

notdory says: I guess we need to decide cause [husband] is leaving the next day :(
I wanna go.

nativeminnow says: Me too. Let's put it this way: I'm going, so YOU need to decide.

notdory says: That is so a [Minnow] phrase: let's put it this way.

nativeminnow says: I get it from my mom.

notdory says: I'm putting that on your headstone. Let's put it this way, I'm dead.

Oh boy, find out what's up with me

Here are several statements that may or may not be true about things I've done in my life. Treat it like a True/False test and see how well you perform.

1. I offered to give a guy ten dollars if he ate a perch that had been preserved in formaldehyde. Even though he did, and then had to get his stomach pumped at the hospital, I never paid up.

2. Went joyriding with a friend when he wrecked the car that we'd "borrowed", and even though the owners knew I was involved, they never said anything to my parents.

3. I married a seventeen year old girl.

4. Once accepted $100 to take a girl on a date. The money covered "operating costs" and a little extra for my trouble.

5. Went on a collecting trip, but forgot to pack the drugs I use to euthanize fish. I ended up "euthanizing" a few mountain whitefish by bashing their heads against some rocks along the river bank.

6. I once got into a scuffle with a drunk referee after a basketball game.

7. I induced a rainbow trout to spooge all over my arm. (A failed attempt at human/fish hybridization?)

8. I was the unknowing mastermind of a criminal ring in my time working for a certain shipping company whose colors are brown and brown.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I fell in love with a sweet sensation, I gave my heart to a simple chord

How I spent last night:

If you'd like to see more pictures of the show (including one of me and a very sexy lady, but you have to dig around a little to find that one) you can go here.

If you've never heard of Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, I suggest you check them out. Go here to download a subset of the songs on the set list from last night's show. The files will be up for seven days.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

If you're on your own in this life the days and nights are long

Mr. M.: Dad, where's Grandma?

Me: She's behind us.

Mr. M.: Are we racing her?

Me: Yeah, we are.

Mr. M.: Why is she so far back there?

Me: Because she sucks.

Mr. M.: No, her not suck. Her make my favorite food.

Me: What's your favorite food?

Mr. M.: All that stuff her makes. I really like pie.


Mr. M.: Dad?

Me: What?

Mr. M.: I love you.

Me: I love you too.

Mr. M.: [Tortellini]?

Tortellini: What?

Mr. M.: You should get smart and go jump off a cliff.


Mr. M.: Dad, when I don't see you for a really, really, really, really long time, I miss you.

Friday, July 25, 2008

You could follow logic or contest it all

If you haven't already guessed, I am always able to entertain myself, even while doing something as mundane as writing an exam. For example, here's a question that I put on the test my students will be taking today:

Consider the following chemical reaction: Fe + CuSO4 → FeSO4 + Cu. In this reaction, Iron (Fe) loses electrons and Copper (Cu) gains electrons. Copper is acting as a(n) _____________.

a) oxidizing agent
b) enzyme
c) reducing agent
d) deionizing agent
e) selfish jerk

Thursday, July 24, 2008

The mistake at the beginning of thinking love will stay bright and shiny new

Here's some relationship advice from the last person in the world who ought to be giving relationship advice, but whatev.

You don't get to complain that your significant other doesn't treat you very well if you tell others that he's "a fucking pussy" and call him things like "fuckface" or "fucking retard" when he does something a little differently than you would.

You can't have a mouth like that and expect to be treated like a princess. It just doesn't work that way.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Don't worry about me baby, see you when I get there

Girl: You're still here?

Me: I'm stalking you.

Girl: You are?

Me: Well, this is the second time you've seen me today. But I guess that would make me a bad stalker.

Girl: It would?

Me: Yeah. If I were a good stalker, you wouldn't know I was stalking you until I was standing in the bushes with a piano string.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Am I still tough enough?

Last week, on the first day of class, I went over my syllabus with the students, including the number of points available, and the standard grade cut-offs.

A = 90-100%
B = 80-89%
C = 70-79%
D = 60-69%
F = 0-59%

After lecture, a student approached me and asked, "So, what's required of me to get an A?"

I replied, "A percentage between 90 and 100."

Now, had he asked me the question that was really on his mind: What's the minimum amount of work I can put into this course and still end up with an A? I probably would've given him a different answer.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

A man who will fight for your honor

A friend and I went mountain biking today, and while we were on the trail, came up with a fantastic movie idea. Here's the storyline in bullet form.

- A recently divorced man from Philadelphia moves to Boulder City, Nevada to start a new life.

- The man used to be heavily into skating, but since moving away from the city has taken up mountain biking as a hobby.

- None of the local mountain bikers like him because a) he's from the big city, and b) his biking style reflects his skating technique and therefore is quite different from their own.

- There is one exception to the locals not liking him: The most popular girl in town takes a liking to him because hey, fresh meat. They quickly become a couple. Her parents disapprove.

- One day on the trail, some of the local riders try to pick a fight. They chase the guy on their bikes. He finally gets away by taking a huge jump and landing it successfully. The leader of the pack behind him isn't able to, wipes out, and causes a huge mountain bike pile up as all his buddies crash into him. Our hero gets away.

- As a result of the crash (on unforgiving terrain), tensions build between our hero and the local mountain biking gang.

- Tensions also build between our hero and his girl's parents. After trying unsuccessfully to convince their daughter to dump our hero, they decide to take matters into their own hands and go to the police with trumped up charges of theft of some very expensive family heirlooms.

- A warrant is issued for our hero's arrest. Eventually the police chase him, but he rides his bike straight down the side of a mountain, leaving the police empty handed and frustrated (at the site where the red arrow is pointing).

- In his escape ride, our hero's mountain bike breaks, rendering it unusable for the big race coming up at the end of the week.

- Angry at the false charges brought against him, and sure that the popular girl was somehow involved despite her assurance that she wasn't, he breaks up with her.

- Forced into hiding, and unable to compete in the big race, our hero ponders moving back to Philadelphia.

- The morning of the big race, the popular girl shows up at his hide-out with a brand new, top of the line, full suspension professional racing bike (a significant upgrade from the one that broke as he fled the police).

- Also, the popular girl threatened to change her name and never speak to her parents again if they didn't come clean about the false charges they had filed. Since she was an only child, and they didn't want to lose her completely, this forced them to admit that they had lied to the cops.

- Armed with a new mountain bike, and with his name cleared, our hero is able to ride in the big race after all. Of course, with his new style, he smokes the rest of the competition. This wins the locals over, and they carry him (and his bike) away from the finish line on their shoulders.

- With the new approval of his new peers, and popular girl's parents, any thoughts of moving back to Philly disappear completely. Our hero and popular girl settle down and open up a bike shop. He then trains everyone in town to ride using the 'new style' of mountain biking.

(With any luck, the soundtrack will be performed by Phil Collins.)

Saturday, July 19, 2008

In some respects I suspect you've got a respectable side

Friend: If I were to ever get married again, I think I'd just have the colors be white and black because that way the bridesmaids could all look hot in their black dresses, but they could also wear them again, and the bride would stand out in white.

Me: And all the groomsmen could wear tuxes, and that would be classy as all fuck.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Old as piss but small as ass

Me: Do you know what's funny?

Girl: A midget juggling chickens?

Me: What I was going to say was . . ., but a midget juggling chickens is pretty funny.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

You know what the sun's all about when the lights go out

In the spirit of a new class starting this week, I'm giving you a pop quiz. Choose the option that best completes the sentence.

When you wake up, get in the shower, and find a small white feather on your scrotum, you know it's time to _______________.

a) worry.
b) fly.
c) buy new pillows.
d) stop dry-humping your pillows in your sleep.
e) quit fucking chickens.
f) All of the above.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I'll only ever be a middle distance runner

Thoughts on treadmills (that I had while jogging on a treadmill):

- Treadmills are incredibly boring, but are a good way to ensure that you run the distance you're supposed to at the rate you're supposed to.
- Twenty minutes is a long time to spend on a treadmill.
- It's unrealistic to expect to be able to raise the speed by 1 1/2 miles per hour and then last the same amount of time as you could before.
- Nothing makes you want to endure to the end of twenty minutes on a treadmill than an attractive girl running on the treadmill next to you, even if you've sped it up.
- Nothing makes you want to give up and quit early more than the guy who's running twice as fast as you for twice as long.
- Ok, so maybe the attractive girl stopping and going elsewhere might also make you want to quit early.
- If you're talking on the phone while on a treadmill, you're obviously too attached to it.
- Nobody should wear a trucker hat while running on a treadmill.
- If your time on a treadmill alternates between you running forward and then running backward, then you are retarded.

Monday, July 14, 2008

What's the name of the song? Explosivo!

Today I was in the bathroom, standing at the urinal, when a man with a reputation for 'fecal explosions' walked in. By that I mean that he has been rumored to spray the back walls of various bathrooms. Enough so that nobody wants to share a room with him when they're traveling together. Some of the people who've been forced to share a room with him are the ones I've heard the stories from.

As I stood there and finished draining my bladder, there was a part of me that wanted to stick around for a few more minutes, just to find out if the stories were true. Then the old adage "curiosity killed the cat" came to mind and I fled the premises.

I'm certain that I made the right decision.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Say, "My heart is still crossed." Scream, "You're so wonderful."

Last night I called my kids. Togers told me they were all playing Scrabble, then Tortellini told me that my ex was beating everyone. When Mr. M. got on the phone I told him he should go help them play.

Me: You need to go help Tortellini kick your mom's butt.
Mr. M.: NO! I love my mom.
Me: I know you do. But you can love her and still kick her butt at Scrabble.
Mr. M.: Don't say that.

I'm going to have to get him to work on his toughness.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Like eating a sandwich it is neither straight nor gay

One of my friends recently went on a trip to the Northwest Territories. While he was there, he walked by a place that specializes in German sausages and had this mural on the wall. He said it reminded him of me and another one of my friends, so he walked several blocks back to the car so he could get his camera and take a picture for us.

I don't know whose idea it was to paint this mural, but I'm going to go ahead and add this to the list of things that should've been run by me before becoming a reality.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Sister Jack

Me: How many miracles does one have to perform to become a Saint?

Girl: I don't know.

Me: What do you mean you don't know? You almost became a nun.

Girl: That's not the same as becoming a Saint.

Me: I know, but maybe you would've become a Saint.

Girl: No. I wouldn't have been a very good nun.

Me: Why? Because you like the cock too much?

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

After two drinks he's a loser, after three drinks he's a star, getting all nostalgic as he sings "I Will Survive"

Unbeknownst to many, I've been boycotting the Las Vegas House of Blues for the better part of a year. I've only truly enjoyed two concerts there: The Wallflowers when they were on their Red Letter Days tour, and Tenacious D on the Pick of Destiny tour. Those were the only two shows where I wasn't surrounded by the buzz of people who were there to be seen, and not to hear the music. The problem with those types of people is that they're too busy talking to each other at the bar, or talking on their cell phones throughout the show. Seriously, why bother going to a concert at all if you're just going to talk all the way through it? This is a problem with just about any event in Las Vegas, but it seems to be especially bad at HoB.

As annoying as idle chit chat during a show can be to deal with, that wasn't the deal breaker for me. The bigger problem is that HoB management always seemed to have too many events going on the same night. I understand that people are in it for the money, but there's something inherently wrong with following a concert up with a lame-ass karaoke event. I have an even bigger problem with that when you're basically kicking bands off stage so you can start setting up for said karaoke event. I've been to several shows where HoB management has made bands stop playing for that very reason.

On one occasion, during a show that the crowd was really into, the lead singer stopped and said, "They're motioning that I have to take a break now, so we'll do that and I'll be right back out to play some more." He left the stage and the house lights immediately came up. Needless to say, he wasn't allowed to come back out and play, even though the crowd wanted an encore performance.

The last concert I saw there was Camper Van Beethoven and Built to Spill (I forget who the other opening band was). Each band was allotted 30 minutes of playing time. Each band said that if were up to them, they'd play a lot longer, but it wasn't up to them. They expressed their disgust about having to play a short set so that a bunch of drunks could sing '80s songs, badly. As soon as HoB management started motioning for Built to Spill to wrap it up and get off the stage, all the band members stood facing the center of the stage, closed their eyes and jammed for an extra ten minutes or so. I can only imagine they were saying "eff you" to HoB management. I decided that night that I wasn't going to go back to HoB for any more concerts.

Well, you'll be happy to know, that HoB has supposedly stopped doing their karaoke night. Sure, it probably has more to do with contractual issues, and possibly bands refusing to play there anymore than it did with my one man boycott, but can't a guy have his moment in the sun?

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Aren't you ready for a new town where no-one knows your name?

Overheard at lunch:

Girl: I just found out my mom's a lesbian. I came home early the other day, walked upstairs and caught her making out with the nanny.
Guy: Well, did you hear that I have an uncle who was recently featured in Bondage magazine? We both have screwed up families.

Only in Las Vegas!

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Living on the memory of a dream I once had

I recently read the book Love Is A Mix Tape: Life And Loss, One Song At A Time by Rob Sheffield (it was recommended to me by Steph). It was a fantastic book, and is a must read for anyone for whom music plays a big role in their life. It's a tale of his life experiences as Alternative music pushed into the mainstream in the early '90s, how music brought he and his wife together, and how it helped him get through the worst part of his life. All things to which I can relate to some degree even if the situations weren't exactly the same.

Here are a few quotes from the text that really appealed to me:

I realize it's frowned upon to choose a mate based on something superficial like the music they love. But superficiality has been good to me.

The songs* were all either fast or sad, because all songs should be either fast or sad. Some of the fast ones were sad, too.

Just more of that endless, useless knowledge you absorb when you're in a relationship, with no meaning or relevance outside of that relationship. When the relationship's gone, you're stuck knowing all this garbage.

I suddenly realized how much being a husband was all about fear: Fear of not being able to keep somebody safe, of not being able to protect somebody from all the bad stuff you want to protect them from. Knowing they have more tears in them than you will be able to keep them from crying.

Married people fight over some dumb shit when they think there aren't any widowers eavesdropping. And they never think there are widowers eavesdropping.

Many of you know that I like to put mixes together, usually around some sort of theme, but it's been a while since I made my last one. As soon as I put the book down, I put the finishing touches on a mix that I've been thinking about for almost a year. If you're interested, you can download it for free here. (If you download it, let me know what you think.)

Apparently there was something wrong with the .zip file, but I think I've fixed that now. If you tried and weren't able to extract the files, you may want to try it again.
-------------------------END UPDATE-------------------------

*Here he was speaking of seeing Pavement play for the first time.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Mouth full of black string

Reasons not to eat lunch in Deadwood, SD:

- You might get shot.

- There's a good chance you'll be called a vulgar name.

- There really aren't many places to eat, so you might have to stop at Taco John's.

- You may find a bunch of dead moths* in the box containing your "dessert" item, but not until you're halfway finished eating it.

*There were about 30 of them. I nearly puked.