Tuesday, October 31, 2006
She sent me a text message to apologize. I was busy at the time, so I didn't respond right away, and then forgot to later. She must have thought I was mad at her because she called me a day or two later.
Her: I'm really sorry that I didn't see you on Tuesday. It was just one of those really hectic days, but it'll all be over next week and I was wondering if you'd want to get together for lunch. Or maybe just a snack if you don't have time, but if you're busy I understand. I just feel really bad and wanted to make it up to you.
Me: I'm sorry, what was that?
Her: You mean I just said all of that and you weren't even listening?
Me: Sorry, I'm putting together a new mix CD right now, so I'm a little pre-occupied.
A little while later:
Her: So, who are you making the mix CD for anyway?
Me: Myself, of course.
Like I would go out of my way to do anything for anyone else. I'm much too selfish these days.
(it's probably a little obvious that I've given up on women)
Monday, October 30, 2006
In case you're wondering what the hell I'm supposed to be, I'm Eli Cash from The Royal Tenenbaums:
And if you're wondering about the make-up, it comes from the scene at the end where he's on the way to Etheline's wedding, he's high, and he crashes his car into the mailbox.
Here's a closer look:
I swore that I wasn't going to wear make-up, because the last time I did it ruined my opportunities for kissing throughout the night, but once my friend, A-Pizzle, gave me the costume idea, it was just too good to pass up. Luckily (?) there wasn't anyone who wanted to this year.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
When she first told me that she wanted to get married in a bikini on the beach I thought it would be the trashiest thing ever (probably because I'd envisioned something like this), but it actually looked like it turned out nice. It still wouldn't be my first choice of locations for a wedding, but it worked for them.
I have to admit, she looks really good in the photos, and they look happy together. In fact, as I was looking through the pictures I doubted that she'd ever looked at me the way she was looking at him. That's ok, maybe that means this one will last.
It's definitely a strange feeling though. I don't want her back. We weren't all that happy together in the first place, but the main feeling that came over me as I looked through the pictures was "she was mine first."
Saturday, October 28, 2006
I believe it began quite some time ago when Hershey's first introduced their cookies 'n creme candy bar (or maybe it was the mint - I can't remember which came first). But things have escalated recently with the introduction of Hershey's caramel, extra dark, strawberries 'n creme, raspberries 'n creme, and almonds 'n toffee. All of which have gained the Native Minnow nod of approval (with the exception of extra dark, I haven't tried that one yet).
They have introduced almost all of these changes to Kit Kat bars as well. You can now get Kit Kat bars in milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, chocolate fudge, strawberries 'n creme and orange creme (I'd stay away from the orange creme if I were you - consider yourself warned).
The changes to Reese's seemed to be more stepwise. They started off nicely with the introduction of the Reese's Big Cup, which quickly became one of my favorite candy bars. Around the same time they introduced the white chocolate Reese's, which is ok, but nowhere near as good as the regular old milk chocolate one. After the success of those two, they decided to get all kinds of crazy and introduce the inside out version, where the peanut butter was on the outside and the chocolate was on the inside. That one didn't seem to be as popular, and I haven't seen it for quite some time. Maybe that's because it wasn't very good. Next came Reese's with caramel, which is actually decent, but it's still no Big Cup. But the last one is where they crossed the line. If you ever see a Reese's with marshmallow at the candy counter stay away. I repeat, STAY AWAY! You know it's bad when I won't eat another one, because I will eat just about anything that has sugar in it (black licorice, or anything else with that flavor, being the lone exception).
Someone should tell the good people of Hershey, PA that there actually can be too much of a good thing. I understand their plan of trying to dominate the candy aisle with sheer numbers of choices (take a look next time you're at the store, I guarantee you'll see a good portion of the space filled with Reese's orange), but when you're constantly throwing it in my face I'm going to be more likely to go for something else. Perhaps a nice Milky Way instead?
Friday, October 27, 2006
I had to go to the Goodwill Superstore near my house to see if I could find some of the most critical parts, and while I was there I had to call my friend so that he could look up some details for me. I want to get this right. He was able to tell me what I needed, and then another friend of mine called (yes, I was that guy, you know, the one who walks around the thrift store talking on his cell phone the entire time). I was excited to tell him about my costume, and told him where I was trying to find the different pieces to it.
Me: I'm at the Goodwill Store.
Him: I bet that smells good.
Me: I know. I hate coming into places like this because they always stink. I may be poor, but at least I bathe.
See?! I'm not the only one in the world who associates thrift stores with the poor people smell.
Anyway, I wasn't able to get the exact costume, but as my first friend pointed out "If you and I don't remember the details of this, nobody else is going to be able to either."
My second friend pointed out that in order to get it completely right I'd probably have to go to some specialty store. But I don't want to spend a lot of money, nor do I have any more time, so I'll just stick with what I got last night.
What's the costume you ask? You'll just have to wait and see. Depending on how well it turns out I may post pictures.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
He said that it would be toward the end of October, but that was the last I heard about it. The other night I asked his son if his mom was still coming to visit.
Me: Is your mom still coming? Your dad said it would be the end of the month, and it's the end of the month now, so I was just wondering.
Him: Yeah, but I don't know when. She's supposed to call and let me know.
Me: Good. I can't wait to put the moves on her.
Him: You're an asshole.
Me: You can't talk to me like that, I could be your new step dad.
A little while later I was getting my dinner out of the microwave (Wolfgang Puck's clam chowder - mmmmm) and decided to keep it going:
Me: Seriously, is your mom hot?
Him: Arrrgh. I don't know. She's pretty, but she's my mom.
Me: Good. She's pretty. That's all I need to know. She already has a kid so I know she puts out.
Him: You asshole. You know she's going through a divorce.
Me: I know. That's why she's going to need someone who can take her mind off things.
Him: . . .
Then, last night, we were watching t.v. and a commercial for Bailey's Irish Creme came on.
Me: I can't wait until your mom gets here and I can get her drunk.
Him (trying to get back at me): I can't wait until your daughter comes next time, so I can try and get her drunk.
Me: She's only twelve, so that makes you a pedophile. I guess it's true what they say about you after all.
Sometimes it can be so fun to be a jerk.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
We tried to get one of the waitresses to bring us a couple of slices of carrot cake, but she didn't come through in time. She said she'd try, but the caterer started cleaning stuff up before she could get over there.
As the caterer was packing stuff up, she grabbed two boxes full of the bite sized cheese cakes and carried them away. She was a little on the heavy side, so as she was walking off with the boxes one of my friends said, "Those cheesecakes don't stand a chance."
And you all thought I was the only one who made fun of people.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
I probably shouldn't stare but I ain't fighting it fighting it and I think that she's aware and kind of liking it liking it
One of her favorites is: "Mom still cries every time she sees a tilt-a-whirl or a fat lady in a tube top"
Her: "If you know where that's from you can get into my pants."
Me: "I do know where that's from. YES!"
(said while doing the Tiger Woods fist pump).
Her: "Too bad I don't ever wear pants."
Too bad indeed.
Monday, October 23, 2006
The other day I was driving home from work and waiting at a red light. I looked over at the car next to me and a girl was motioning for me to roll my window down. I did, then turned down the music and asked her what she wanted.
She said, "My friend just wanted to hear that song."
Just some more validation that I listen to awesome music!
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Being the caring guy that I am, I offered the following advice:
"Dude, have her forward that shit to me."
I don't think he gave her my message.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
I don't think our instructor was very happy with us. Apparently nobody had bothered to warn her that she was going to be teaching CPR to a bunch of immature jackasses who didn't really want to be there in the first place (as if being immature jackasses alone wasn't going to be enough to make it a long day for her).
It started right off the bat when one of my friends walked in, saw the instruction booklet titled Adult CPR, and said, "Good, that means we get the nudie ones."
She began talking about how a lot of things have changed with what the Red Cross recommends, and so anyone who had been trained previously would see a few differences. Then she went into the ABCs of CPR. She said that A is for airway, B is for breathing, and then before she got to C, I asked my friend, "What's C for? Cunnilingus?"
He replied, "I don't know. Maybe. They've changed it."
She talked about how you have to receive permission from a person before you begin trying to help them out, but that there were circumstances where that was not possible, such as someone who is unconscious when you find them. She told us that when someone is unconscious, that gives you implied consent. At that point, my friend got a hopeful look on his face, implying that it would be good if that held for any situation.
She also talked about what to do in case of an emergency situation. First, you have to check the scene to make sure it's safe. Once you've done that you call 911 (or instruct someone else to do so), and then you give care to the person in need. After going through all the steps, we had to practice them on the dummies, and she was very adamant about making sure that we followed the steps correctly.
Three of us were practicing on our dummy, and when it was my friend's turn to start he said, "Dude, I'm checking the scene, and this scene is fucked up!"
The other guy said, "Yeah, there's a fire over here, a midget over there . . ."
There were a lot of other funny things, but I can't remember them right now, plus, I'm sure you're tired of reading anyway. You'll be happy to know that we all got certified, and will be getting our cards in the mail shortly. You still probably don't want to stop breathing around us though, because I'm pretty sure that none of us are really capable of bringing you back.
*There was a picture in the booklet showing what someone would look like if they were having a stroke. I'm sure it's hard to simulate long enough to have someone take a picture, but the guy totally looked like a zombie. He had his arms stretched out and everything. I made a comment about how you really wouldn't want to administer CPR to a zombie because he'd probably just eat your brain, and then you'd become one too. This prompted an entire discussion about whether it was even possible to resuscitate the living dead. We never came to a conclusion on that one.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Him: "What, are you running a fucking race?"
Me: "You can't talk like that with your mom on the phone."
His Mom: "What are you laughing at?"
Him: "I'm laughing at [Native Minnow]. He's walking fast, so I asked him if he was running a fucking race. He said that I can't talk like that with you on the phone."
His Mom: "Am I going to have to give you the lecture? You weren't raised to use language like that."
Him: "Sure. I didn't learn any of those words until I moved to Vegas."
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
We rented a cabin at Brian Head Ski Resort in Utah. It was pretty expensive, but not by the time we divided the cost between 16 people. The cabin we were in was really nice, probably nicer than any home I'll ever own. Unless I'm able to find myself that sugar mama that is. (the picture really doesn't do it justice)
I got there early on Thursday, in fact, I was a little too early since nobody else was there and I couldn't even get in without breaking a window or something. But, since it was my dad's birthday, and my parents only live another hour and a half away from where I was at, I decided to surprise him by showing up at the door (I called my mom first so she would know I was coming and keep him around the house). My sister and her husband had the same idea and flew down to see him (her husband's a pilot), so that pretty much solidified our status as the favorite kids.
Friday we got up and went mountain biking. We did a 14 mile trail that was almost all downhill. It was a bit technical (compounded by the fact that the trail was either muddy or covered in snow for most of the way) so I ended up crashing a few times. Nothing too bad, but enough to scrape up my knees some. It really isn't as bad as it looks, it's just that it kept bleeding as I rode and mud from the trail got mixed in with it, but most of it washed right off when I took to getting myself cleaned up. Later that night I learned how to play Texas Hold 'Em, and broke even, so all in all the day was a success.
It pretty much snowed all day on Saturday, so that didn't leave us with the option of biking. I guess we could have, but that would have been crazy. Instead of sitting around the cabin all day long (I'd have hated to have gotten cabin fever and resorted to cannibalism) I decided to drive over and visit my grandma who is in the hospital with an infection in her leg. The roads were pretty bad, and I almost turned around, but then it lightened up as I came down off the mountain so I continued on and solidified my place as the favorite grandkid as well. I visited with her for about an hour until it seemed like she was getting worn out. I needed to get back over the mountain before the roads got too icy anyway, but I still felt guilty walking out of there. At one point in our conversation she asked me if I'd come over alone (I think she was trying to find out if I had a girlfriend, but she never came out and said it). I told her that I did (come alone), and that my friends were all back at the cabin playing cards, watching TV or working on their laptops, to which she replied, "Laptop people huh? That's who you run around with?" Yes Grandma, I run around with those crazy laptop people. Later that night I won the whole pot at Texas Hold 'Em. Look out World Series of Poker, here I come!
Since the snow storm left everything even more wet and muddy than Friday was, we decided to drive down toward Zion National Park to go biking there on Sunday. It was a lot of fun, even though the trail wasn't all down hill and that meant I had to work to get my biking in. This trail was only about 8 miles, but it wore all of us out. Here's a picture of me riding around on the rocks just minutes before successfully landing a jump off about a two foot drop. Unfortunately, I was so busy being proud of myself for staying upright on that one that I failed to see the next dip, and I went flying over the handle bars and landed flat on my back(note to self: Next time you can pat yourself on the back after the ride).
Anyway, I could go on and on (even more than I already have, I promise), but I have to go watch my friends lose a softball game right now, so I'm going to call it quits for tonight. I hope that all of you had a weekend that was as good as mine, but I doubt you did. It was exactly what I needed.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
- I can drive near an accident, and even look at it, without slowing down
- I move to the right lane when someone behind me is going much faster than I am
- I use my turn signals
- I understand right-of-way laws
- When I make a left hand turn I end up in the correct lane when I straighten back out
- I don't think I'm too good to merge before my lane ends
- When I pass, I go more than 1 mph faster than the person I am passing, even when I'm driving uphill
- I find it easy to stay in my own lane, even while I'm talking on my cell phone and even if a gust of strong wind catches me while I'm reaching for some chocolate covered cinnamon bears
- I can work the gas and brake pedals equally well with either of my feet (with or without shoes on)
- I haven't fallen asleep at the wheel in 4 years, and the last time I did I was able to successfully maneuver a construction zone
- I can steer the car with my knee for a long enough period of time to jot down lists like these
And with that, I'm off to the mountains for the weekend. See you when I get back.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Here are the rules that I listed on the board at the front of the room:
- No cheating (duh!)
- Keep one empty station between you and the next person
- Turn your cell phones OFF
- Keep papers folded
- Don't move the scopes
- Go in order from where you start
- Any cute girls must give their phone number to [Native Minnow]
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
I wish I could say my daughter is in the same boat, but I can't. Her midterm grades are horrendous, but part of that is due to the trip to Mexico, and she's taking steps to get caught up now, so it's hard to be too mad at her. Disappointed, but not mad. She has been putting the 'just a phone call away' part of our relationship to good use over the past few days, mainly looking for help with certain homework assignments. I may not be smart enough to pass my comps, but I can explain the hydrological cycle, scientific notation, and the properties of water to a twelve year old over the phone.
My youngest son is probably the one I worry about the most. The other two have memories of living with me, but all he'll know is that I came by every other month or so for weekend visits the entire time he was growing up. I'm hoping that he'll understand everything later, but right now it's got to be confusing. He got mad at me a week and a half ago when I dropped them off, and he wouldn't come give me a hug goodbye, and don't think that didn't make it even harder to leave.
Anyway, this post is really just a bunch of rambling (aren't they all?), but since I've been thinking about my kids, I thought I'd write something about them, and post a few pictures. Thanks for bearing with me.
Monday, October 09, 2006
You wake up, take a shower, brush your hair and teeth, start to head out the door and then realize that you're not wearing a shirt.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
It was the first time flying on a commercial airline for both my boys, and my four year old was able to get away with things that you or I could never hope to on the flight down. As soon as everyone was on the plane he thought it would be funny to start yelling "We're all going to die!"
What can I say? He's a funny kid. I only hope that he didn't cause a panic attack for someone who already had a fear of flying.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
On with it you say?
There are certain names for members of the opposite sex that I tend to associate with attractiveness. The corollary to that is that there are also names that I tend to associate with unattractiveness. There's no doubt that some of this comes from past associations, such as girls I thought were cute when I was in high school, but there are others that I can't explain, and, if I hear someone mention something about a girl I don't know that has one of those names, I automatically assume that she must be pretty. Of course that doesn't always end up being the case, but there's the association just the same.
So anyway, here's my list of cute girl names. It's not all inclusive (obviously), and I've tried to leave off names of friends and family members (after all, I wouldn't want anyone to feel bad if their name got left off the 'hot list' or worse, had it included on the 'not-so-hot list,' plus, if it were one of my sister's names then someone could say I think my sister's hot, and that would just be gross).
Anyway, you get my point. I could keep going, but I actually misplaced the list that I had made up for this post, as you may have guessed once you read the last name in the unattractive list. I've never actually known a Tabatha, but she'd probably have warts on her nose along with other witch-like characters.
Friday, October 06, 2006
(I really want to just start talking about something else right now, just so that you're all left wondering what happened to the last person, but I guess I'll just finish the story instead. See how nice I am?)
There are several people around here who would give The Most Annoying Human Being on the Planet a run for his money, and one day (a long time ago) one of the runners up had done something to piss me off. Let's just say that it started out with him acting like he was gay, and ended with him kissing me on the head. Unless you actually know this person, you don't know how disgusting that really was, and how furious it made me.
Anyway, several months after that incident I was having a conversation with someone, and it came up that I wasn't too fond of this particular runner up. They asked me if I really disliked this person that much, and I believe I said something along the lines of, "I want him dead."
The person I was talking to thought that was a bit harsh, and looking back, perhaps it was, but I said it.
A few months after that conversation, the runner up was in a very horrible car accident, had to be life flighted, spent several weeks in an Intensive Care Unit, and still hasn't completely recovered nearly 6 months later.
You're probably thinking that the moral to this story is that you should be careful about what you say, because you might feel bad about it later, right?
The real moral to this story? Don't fuck with me, lest I be forced to use my powers on you.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
After my meal, I got up to get some dessert. There were a lot of choices, too many to grab one of each, so eventually I settled on the carrot cake and walked back to our table.
Friend 1: "Out of all those choices that's what you got?"
Me: "It was either this or a piece of pie."
Friend 1: "Pie? I didn't see that. What kind did they have?"
Me: "It looked like Blueberry, or maybe it was blackberry."
Friend 1: "Boysenberry?"
Friend 2: "Gooseberry?"
Friend 1: "Dingleberry?"
Friend 3 (as he was returning with his dessert): "Did you just say dingleberry pie?"
Dingleberry pie. There's something I have yet to see on a dessert menu.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
The new season starts tonight, I must say I'm rather excited.
I thought it would be a good idea to do a running diary of the first episode, but it was a better idea than it was a reality. It turns out I can't really do two things at once. Well, I can walk and chew gum, and drive and text at the same time, but apparently I can't think of funny things to write while I'm being entertained by a funny cartoon. So instead I'll just list a few of the thoughts that I had while making a weak attempt at keeping a running diary.
First, I really liked the episode. They've used a similar idea before when the boys were all pretending to be ninjas, but this one had better animation. I think it was brilliant to use World of Warcraft in an episode. The fat guy who was going around killing everyone in the game because he had no life reminds me of a few people I've known in my life. Sadly, my 10 year old son could very well end up that way as well with as much time as he spends playing that game. It's all he could talk to me about on the phone for about two months. Luckily, my ex-wife has since limited his computer time to an hour a day and he's more like a normal 10 year old again.
The commercials really bothered me for some reason. Maybe it's because I'm out of the age range of the typical South Park viewer, so I don't fit the demographic of their target audience, but seriously, who are these people who are dumb (desperate?) enough to text the word 'tease' to 44123 in order to start 'text flirting' with so-called girls? Do they really think they're talking to the cute girls that appear in the commercial, or is it one of those things where as long as you're imagining that it's a cute girl then it's ok? Half of the response texts are probably sent my men (and the other half by ugly women, and maybe even a few transvestites), and it probably ends up costing a LOT of money per text. I may be desperate for some action, but I think I'll pass.
The Triple Whopper from Burger King is just what the American public needs. Like we're not fat enough already.
I want to see Thank You for Smoking as much as the next guy (actually, probably a little bit more than the next guy) but I don't need a commercial every 20 seconds to remind me of that. I think they showed the ad three times during a single commercial break. The same thing goes for The Grudge 2, except I really don't want to see that movie.
They also kept showing ads for the new cartoon Freak Show. What I want to know is, what ever happened to good animation? Is that really so much to ask from the makers of a cartoon? It could be the funniest show on t.v. and I still wouldn't watch it because the animation is so crappy (and yes, I'm aware of how stupid that sounds coming from a guy who is going on and on about the greatness of South Park).
I loved the part where Cartman stages a rally to figure out how to defeat the guy that keeps killing them in WoW and says something along the lines of "If you could go back in time and stop Hitler would you? I mean, I wouldn't because I personally think he was awesome, but you would, right?" I honestly don't know which is worse, the fact that they put that into the episode, or the fact that it cracked me up. I'm so going to hell.
He follows that up with trying to convince the other boys not to quit playing WoW by saying "When Hitler rose to power a lot of people just stopped playing. You know who those people were? The French." I can't wait to bring that up to the French guy in my research group.
And finally, I'm considering changing my screen name to lovestospooge.
Monday, October 02, 2006
- A girl - declared when my 10 year old son pretended to take a picture of him with a toy cell phone and then showed him the picture of Barbie that was on the screen.
- A chicken - announced when he was told to stop being bratty or we'd have to chop him up and eat him, just like Charlie*.
- A napkin - proclaimed when my 1 year old niece had a snotty nose and I told him I was going to wipe it on him.
*When my nephew was young, my sister used to tell him that she was going to have to chop him up and eat him when he was misbehaving. When he would tell her that she wouldn't do that to him she'd say, "Oh yeah? What do you think happened to your brother Charlie?" She thought that she quit doing it by the time he was old enough to remember, but he's started telling his one year old sister about the fact that they used to have a brother named Charlie. I guess it goes to show that you always have to be careful what you say around children.