Friday, October 30, 2009

I've got a bad idea tonight, I've got a Halloweenhead

Still looking for that perfect costume idea? It's a bad idea to go as Hitler, so go ahead and scratch that one off your list.

Instead, you can try to go as what my friend told me I should go as: a sucker perpetrator.

Yeah, I don't know how that would look either.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

The flowers of naivete buried in a layer of frost

Friend: You're getting on my last nerve, [Minnow]!

Me: That's obvious.

Friend: What? You think just because you passed your dissertation defense that all of a sudden you can just be an asshole?

Me: I've been an asshole as long as you've known me.

Friend: That's not true. When I first met you, you were a naive little fucknut.

Me: And now I'm just a fucknut?

Friend: Exactly!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Little ghost little ghost the one I'm scared of the most

Do you have stuff to hand out to trick-or-treaters this year? I always pick out some of my favorites, just in case nobody comes by and I have to polish it off myself. Here's a sampling of what the kids will get to choose from when they come to my place.

For the young 'uns
- bananas
- old gum
- ramen
- Cheerios
- 8 track tapes
- Chia pet

For the older kids
- porn
- nuclear warheads
- swine flu
- crack cocaine
- the clap
- severed heads

Friday, October 23, 2009

Always a swing and a miss

Tonight I was sitting at a table with a group of friends when two guys walked over to our table, apologized for interrupting, but then asked if they could get a picture with me. When I gave them a puzzled look as to why, they said it was because they were in the military and I looked like a young Bill Clinton. I felt ridiculous, but agreed to pose with them.

Then their friends found out, and three more guys came over to see if they could take one too. They even offered to buy me a drink to make up for the fact that they were intruding. I posed with them, but declined any "payment."

They were there celebrating someone's birthday. A few minutes later, birthday girl came over and requested that I come to their table and take a picture with the entire group (about twelve people). I obliged. I was paying more attention to the photographer and to the people surrounding me than I was to the girl herself, so I didn't realize she had leaned over so that her pose simulated her giving me oral. I'm pretty sure that picture is going to be on someone's facebook page. Lovely.

If I had any game whatsoever, I would've at least gotten a number. But I don't. So I didn't even try.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I've been thinking some of suicide, but there's bars out here for miles

Friend 1: What are you going to do after you graduate?

Me: I don't know. Maybe I'll just off myself.

Friend 2: Why wait until then?

Friend 1: Because he wants his obituary to read right. He's got to make sure it says Dr. [Minnow].

Monday, October 19, 2009

There's someone I'd like to see, she never mentions a word to me, she reads Leviathan

I got a phone call Sunday evening:

Girl: Hi, are you busy?

Me: That depends on how you define busy. If lying on the couch, watching The Dark Knight, and playing Scrabble online is considered busy, then yeah, I'm totally swamped.

Girl: You're a dork.

Me: I know. What are you doing?

Girl: Just getting home.

Me: What are your plans for the rest of the night?

Girl: I'm going to take a nap, then get up and do some homework. Sound like fun?

Me: You could come over here and do homework. It would be nice to see you, but I have work I need to do anyway, so I wouldn't distract you too much.

Girl: I need to take a shower.

Me: I haven't showered today either. Gross, huh?

Girl: That is gross. I did shower once, I just need another one.

Me: Well, you could always come over here, we could shower, and then you could do homework.

Girl: I like how you just casually work that "we" in there.

Me: All I'm saying is that we live in a desert, and that would conserve water, so it's the responsible thing to do.

We talked for a while longer, but she didn't come over. She must hate our planet.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

These postcards from tiny islands mean more than you know

I've been at this university so long, and taught so many labs, that I can rarely go to any sort of event without encountering someone who knows me. This was the case last weekend when I went to a football game.

We arrived early, so that we could get the best seats in the student section. As kickoff neared, more and more students trickled into the stadium. A couple of guys came to our row to meet up with some of their friends. I recognized one of them. He had taken a lab from me a few semesters ago. He saw me, said hi and shook my hand as he walked past.

His friend, who I had never seen before in my life, looked at me and said, "What are you doing here?"

"Uh. I just came to watch the game."

"But I thought you were on sabbatical right now."

"Sabbatical? No*."

"Weird**. Somebody told me you were on sabbatical in Fiji, doing fish research there."

"I wish***."

Sometimes it really is too bad that you don't get to live the life that others have envisioned for you.

*Grad students don't generally get to go on sabbatical.

**No, what's weird is that you're talking to me like you know me when I've never seen you before in my life.

***It occurred to me later that I should have gone along with it, motioned to the girl I was with, and said I'd brought her back with me. She's Mexican, but he might have bought it.

Friday, October 16, 2009

A date in Constantinople

Friend: We should go see a movie.

Me: Is there anything good playing? I haven't paid much attention lately. The last movie I saw was Inglorious Basterds.

Friend: That movie was awesome.

Me: Yeah, I liked it. I didn't call you when I went because it was a spur of the moment thing, so I went by myself.

Friend: I did the same thing.

Friend's Lab Mate: Last time I went to a movie by myself, some middle eastern guy kept trying to pick up on me.

Friend: Having a middle eastern man try to pick up on me would be a significant upswing in my love life. It would be a self esteem booster because I'd at least feel validated in some perverse sort of way.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Baby I'm just a fool

The other night I was having dinner with a friend. I don't remember exactly what exactly we were talking about, but rest assured it was something that would make you think we were intelligent. Like politics. Or coalescent theory.

He was saying something profound when out of the corner of my eye I saw two ladies walk in. One of them had a buzz cut. I couldn't resist, so I nodded in her direction and said, "Speaking of butch lesbians . . ."

My friend looked at me with a horrified look on his face. Not like the horrified look that he'd give if she was a gross looking woman either. This was a horrified look like I'd just said the very worst thing possible. You'd have thought I was singing praises to Hitler or something.

So I sought to defend myself. "What? It's not like she's recovering from chemo or something."

"Actually, I think that's exactly what it is."

"Seriously? My bad."

Monday, October 12, 2009

The young quarterback waits for the snap when suddenly it all starts to make sense

Sports has made me a hypocrite. Why? Because I'm a Philadelphia Eagles fan. You know where this is headed.

Like everyone else with the ability to discern right from wrong, I was appalled at Michael Vick's dog fighting scandal when that news broke. As more and more became known about the atrocities that he participated in, I was even more disgusted. He deserved everything he got. The prison time. The bankruptcy. Everything.

When Vick was released from prison, I knew he would play in the NFL again, and I was sure it would be this season. There's always a team that's willing to take a chance if they think it will help them win. I just didn't think it'd be "my" team. I was very surprised when I heard that he'd signed with the Eagles, and even more surprised when I heard that Donovan McNabb was the one who approached management with the idea. I figured that if he played it would be for a team with a history of signing players with baggage, like the Cowboys or the Raiders.

My initial response was shock. I couldn't believe the Eagles were taking a chance like this. Not after the Terrell Owens debacle anyway. But that only lasted a short while, and then I bought into it. I started thinking about how Vick might be able to help my team win games, and the prospect made me feel better about the upcoming season. So now I'm hoping he performs well. I have to. Either that or renounce my team, and I'm not willing to do that.

Had he signed with any other team, I'd probably still refer to him as the dog killer. Especially if it was the Cowboys. Now that he's on "my" team, I argue that he deserves a second chance. After all, I'd like to think that if I ever screwed up that I'd be able to do my time and be able to get a job doing something in the same field I was trained in (See how easy that is for me to rationalize? Not that I'd screw up as badly as he did, but still).

And that's why I'm a hypocrite. But at least I didn't take it as far as one Eagles fan who was asked about how he felt about Vick being on the team. His response was more along the lines of: Well, he didn't kill my dog.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

You can find me in da club

While walking to the car last night:

Homeless Guy: Excuse me, but could you spare a couple of dollars? Some change? Even fifty cents would help.

Drunk Girl I Was With: Oh, I looooooove 50 Cent.

Homeless Guy: [Muttering something about 50 Cent]

Drunk Girl: ♪ Go, go, go, go. ♩

Homeless Guy: [still muttering]

Drunk Girl: ♫ Go shorty, it's your birthday. We gonna party like it's your birthday ♬

Homeless Guy: [walks away, shaking his head]

Thursday, October 08, 2009

No one in the world ever gets what they want and that is beautiful, everybody dies frustrated and sad and that is beautiful

The weekend after I defended my dissertation I went mountain biking. The area is near my grandparents, so I took the long way home and visited with them. Almost as soon as I arrived, we had this conversation:

Grandpa: We heard a rumor about you that we weren't very happy with. It was about a job you've applied for.

Me: Oh. My mom must have told you that I applied for that job in the Philippines.

Grandpa: She did. And trust me, you wouldn't want to live there. You have to boil everything before you eat it. Eggs, vegetables, everything.

Me: Yeah, but it would only be for a couple of years. Besides, it's not very likely that I'll get the job anyway* because I'm sure there are a bunch of candidates I'm competing with, and I'm probably not even close to being the most qualified.

Grandma: Well, you never know. They might not have many applicants.

Grandpa: Yeah, but if you do get it, then you'll have to move.

Me: Not necessarily. I could always turn it down, but I don't think I would. If they were to offer it to me I'm pretty sure I'd go.

Grandma: It could be a good learning experience for you, but we'd sure hate to see you move that far away. We hope you find something closer. Although, maybe you could come back with a little Filipino girl. They sure are beautiful.

Me: Tell me about it.

*I never heard anything after submitting my application. Not a good sign.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Pretty as a penny, rollerskate skinny

Last week I went to the doctor for a physical. She recommended that I have some blood work done, so I made an appointment later in the week. I had to fast prior to having my blood drawn, so I was quite hungry while teaching the morning of the day I was supposed to go back.

Student: I'm so hungry.

Me: I am too, but you can't talk about food in here right now.

Student: Why not?

Me: Because I can't eat until 4:00 this afternoon.

Student: Why? Are you anorexic?

Me: Do I look anorexic?

Student: You could be just starting out.

Me: Aren't I a little old for that?

Student: It's never too late to start.

Monday, October 05, 2009

These lines were here long before we came around

This weekend I had dinner with Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend*. Afterward we were driving around and I mentioned that I should have cleaned my car before picking her up. I recently washed the exterior, mainly because one of my friends drew a huge cock-n-balls on the trunk when he walked past my car in the parking lot on campus and saw how dirty it was, but I haven't cleaned and vacuumed the interior in months.

Here's a brief description so you can visualize: There are several plastic and glass bottles on the floor in the back from my most recent road trip. I throw them back there while I'm driving so that I can recycle them when I get back home, but I keep forgetting they're there, so haven't taken them out yet. There are various cards and envelopes that friends gave me when I defended my dissertation (over two weeks ago!). There's a ziplock bag containing a few slices of banana bread - my mom gave me some last week, but I didn't eat all of it (sorry Mom - I know there are starving children in Africa who would have loved to have eaten that banana bread, but I forgot it was there until it was too scary to try - it hurts me too). A biology book sits atop numerous hand-outs and worksheets that I'll be handing out to my students eventually. A pair of basketball shorts that I'd removed from my gym bag in the trunk to go hot-tubbing in, washed afterward, and then put in the back seat because I was too lazy to open the trunk and actually stick them back in the gym bag where they belong. Mr M left fingerprints all over the rear and side windows. You get the point. I drive in squalor.

Her: I left a mark on your window the other day.

Me: You did? Where? This fingerprint on the driver's side?

Her: It wasn't just a fingerprint, I drew something.

Me: Well, I don't see it on here now. What did you draw?

Her: I drew a heart. I wanted to see if you'd notice it like you noticed that dick on your trunk.

I didn't notice the heart, but I did notice the dick. What does that say about me?

Wait, don't answer that.

*Yes, we're hanging out with each other again.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

It's okay to eat fish 'cause they don't have any feelings

I went out with a friend for all you can eat sushi the other night. Normally he orders everything, but this time he handed me the pencil and menu and told me to do it since I was "all grown up" now. I marked down the rolls that I knew we both like, but then started reading the descriptions for the chef's specials. I read a couple that sounded good to me, and my friend agreed.

Friend: Yeah, those sound good, order one of each of those.

Me: I don't see them on the list.

Friend: Oh, they're not on there. You have to write the specials down at the bottom of the sheet.

Me: Ah, I see. But I have to say, I feel a little dirty ordering a 'man whore' followed by a 'wet dream.'

Friend: Why? Because it's a Thursday night, and you typically only go for that stuff on Fridays?

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Take the ride as far as anyone can go

Well hello there. Did you miss me? Thought so. If you're curious, here's what I've been up to while I've been neglecting my blog:

- Took my kids to Slide Rock State Park in Sedona.

- Started a new job, teaching part time at a small college here in town.

- Saw Cracker play at Wasted Space at the Hard Rock. Good concert. They played for two straight hours. And that's not even counting the opening band, which was . . . one of the members of Cracker.

- Defended my dissertation. And passed. But you already knew that.

- Spent a few days biking in the mountains of Utah, and spent the evenings soaking in a hot tub on the deck of the cabin. There were some beautiful fall colors.

- Visited my grandparents.

- Had a paper accepted into a good scientific journal with minor revisions.

- Went flyfishing.