Thursday, May 31, 2007
Her: [Minnow], I want a Corvette.
Me: Why? You're not white trash, and it's not like you have a small penis, do you?
Her: I certainly hope not.
When we got to the restaurant there were two yellow Corvettes in the parking lot.
Her: Look, two more.
Me: They must be having a small penis convention.
The hostess seated us next to a window and about halfway through our meal I saw a guy walking from the restaurant toward one of the Corvettes. Not being one to let a joke die (even when I should because it's no longer funny), I felt the need to say something.
Me: Want to see what a guy with a small penis looks like? Look!
Her: That's mean.
Me: But funny.
Her: Do you have a big penis [Minnow]?
Me: You've seen what I drive.
Her: I'm serious.
Me: I don't know. I've never compared it with anyone.
Her: You never had light-saber fights when you were a kid?
Her: Ok, but you still haven't answered my question.
Me: Well, the only thing I can tell you is that I've never had any complaints.
Her: Is that before or after a break up?
Me: Both. If you want I can call my ex and you could ask her.
Her: That's ok.
Now, obviously I didn't know how to respond to being asked such a personal question point blank. I don't even know if it's possible to answer that question properly. Here's how I envision a few different scenarios:
"Do you have a big penis?"
What she thinks: Liar!
"Do you have a big penis?"
What she thinks: Well, that's the last time I'll ever talk to this guy.
"Do you have a big penis?"
"You've seen what I drive."
What she thinks: He doesn't want to admit that it's small.
"Do you have a big penis?"
"I've never had any complaints."
What she thinks: He's conceited because his exes were all too nice to complain about it and give him a complex.
"Do you have a big penis?"
"You could call my ex and ask her."
What she thinks: He's still hung up on her.
"Do you have a big penis?"
"Come here and I'll show you." or "There's one way you could find out."
What she thinks: Creep!
Feel free to let me know the proper way to answer if there is one. If there isn't, feel free to come up with other scenarios and what a girl would think.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Thinking back on it though, I'm pretty sure mine went something like this:
Hey there buckaroo and buckaroo-ettes, as we sit here on this graduation day many of us have come to the realization that the days of roping miniature rocking-horse type bulls in the halls are over. It's time for the big rodeo of life. Many of us don't know what the future holds, but it's time to cowboy up, take that bitch by the horns and ride that sucker for all she's worth. We're talkin' the full 8 seconds baby. Now, go out there and git 'er done. Yeeeeee haaaaawwww!!!
At least that's what it looks like I'm saying in this picture*:
*I don't know who took this picture, I'm pretty sure it was my friend's mom, but I love how they didn't bother to try and move a few inches to the side in order to miss the back of someone's head.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Not to take anything away from my sister and what she's accomplished (graduation, valedictorian, 4 year college scholarship), but I think the best parts of the weekend came after her graduation ceremony. Notably, the kiddie trike olympics that were held in my parents' driveway later that evening:
On the way back my youngest got tired of walking.
After we got back to the car we drove to Goblin Valley and hiked among the rock formations.
It had already been a pretty long day at that point, plus we had a long drive back to my parents' house, so we didn't stay there too long. After about an hour I told the kids that we needed to start heading back to the car.
Monday, May 28, 2007
10 yr old: Wait, I thought that way was north.
Me: No, that's east. But to be honest, we're really driving northeast.
4 yr old: No! We're going desert.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Son: Because you broke the truck scales?
Daughter: No, I don't know how much I weigh because . . .
Son: Because you're too afraid to look?
Me: Don't worry kiddo, that's what brothers are for.
Daughter: I know, he's always this annoying.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Guy 1: How long's it been since you last shaved?
Me: I don't know. Two or three days.
Guy 1: It looks like a pre-pubescent mustache on a kid.
Guy 2: He wishes!
Guy 1: Look helicopters. I guess the strippers are finally here.
Me: I wish. Two helicopters full of strippers showing up would probably be the best thing that's ever happened in my life.
Guy 2: Yeah, it probably would.
Or you get to hear exchanges such as this:
"I believe it."
"Yeah, but you're mormon. You'll believe anything."
I'm* gonna chili-whip your ass
*Happens to be one of the most 'proper' people I've ever met
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
I mentioned to one of my friends that it was very tempting to go in there to try and get some wedding cake. She encouraged me to do it, and had I been wearing something other than shorts I might have.
Me: But I can't go in there dressed like this. It'd be too obvious.
Her: I'll give you $50 if you go in there and get some wedding cake.
British Scientist: And I'll give you another $100 if you go get one of the bridesmaids.
Other Friend: Really! What more could you ask for? There's a wedding. There's alcohol. There are bridesmaids with nowhere else to go, and you've got a room upstairs. It'd be just like shooting fish in a barrel.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
The workshop itself was a brainstorming session of sorts. Twenty-six top researchers from around the world came together to try and define the future direction of our field. Needless to say, there was a lot of brainpower in the room. Oddly enough, this time I didn't feel as much of a mental midget as I did at the meetings I went to last year. That's not to say that I was anywhere near the level these guys are at, but maybe I'm making progress. Or maybe I'm just lying to you to make myself feel better.
One of the organizers of the workshop is a single mother. The only reason I'm bringing this up is because she arranged to bring her son and his babysitter along with her to the meeting. I talked to one of the attendees that knows her quite well and he said that the kid is probably the most well traveled seven year old on the planet (just to solidify that claim, she's taking him to Madagascar next summer - lucky kid!).
Anyway, after everything was done on the first day of the workshop, a group of us were sitting around talking in the hotel lobby. The babysitter was sitting across the room reading a book. She happened to be rather attractive, so I kept sneaking glances in her direction.
One of my friends noticed.
Her: I see you looking at that girl. Why don't you go talk to her?
Me: Because I'm just not going to.
Her: You should.
Me: She's reading a book and wants to be left alone.
Her: Look, she's not even reading her book, she's been on the same page for ten minutes. She's just looking around waiting for you to come over.
Me: Would you shut up?
A minute or so later:
Her: You should go talk to her.
Me: I thought I told you to shut up.
Her: Why won't you?
Me: Hi, my name's [Minnow], we obviously haven't met. Besides, I'm trying to be professional here.
Her: Well, if you're not going to talk to her then I will.
Me: Go for it.
At that point, a world renowned British scientist who had been listening to us turned around to see who we were talking about.
World Renowned British Scientist: Oh, you're talking about the babysitter. That's easy. Go for it!
Friday, May 18, 2007
I don't know where the picture* originally came from, so I can't give credit where it's due, but it looks like something that would come from this site. At any rate, it made me laugh really hard.
The scary thing is, I'd probably take the chance.
I mean, hey, how many chances do have to get free** candy?
*but I totally need to get a van like that
My friend informed me that she had the whole day planned out. First, we were going to the Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay. Then we were going to ride the roller coaster at New York New York, followed by ice cream at the Bellagio while we watched the fountains.
This was my first trip to the Shark Reef, despite numerous opportunities to go in the past. I thought it was great, but I got a little frustrated by my camera's slow shutter speed. I tried taking about 100 pictures, but the only one that I thought came out nicely was this picture of a lionfish (the rest were blurry):
We finished that before dark, and decided that the roller coaster would be better once all the casinos had their lights turned on, so we went to the Bellagio first. We wanted to see the Conservatory because they always have it decorated nicely for each season, but they were in the middle of changing from a spring to a summer theme, so we didn't get to see any of it. The ice cream was good, and I saw one of the best fountains I've ever laid eyes on.
Of course, then we went outside to see the more famous fountains. You know, the ones that weren't running with chocolate, but were instead the regular lame water kind. We went outside at dusk, which was cool because I got to take these shots of the casino.
While we were waiting for the fountains, I had the following conversation with my friend:
Me: You know, we're going to have to make out as soon as the fountains start.
Her: And why is that?
Me: It's just what you're supposed to do.
Her: Funny, I've come to watch the fountains with other people, so why haven't I made out with any of them.
Me: That's because they haven't been showing you how to do it right.
She didn't fall for it.
We went back to the roller coaster ride, and I have to say it was much better than I expected it to be. We were in the front car, and I found myself getting a little shaky as we began our ascent. I'd definitely recommend it if you've never gone.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
When I was a kid I saw a light flying high above the trees one night, thought it was an alien, turned out to be just God.
I grew up in a small town in rural Utah. Needless to say, there wasn't a whole lot to do for entertainment. Many nights consisted of dragging Main Street, and that was it. Sure, driving up and down a single street in the hopes of running into friends so you could talk to them in a parking lot is a pointless exercise, but it beat sitting around the house, so that's what we did.
One of the other problems with living in a small town (and part of why dragging Main was the thing to do) is that everything closes by six o'clock p.m. If we got in the mood for snacks, we'd have to drive to purchase them at the "busy" gas stations along the freeway exits. One evening, we got in such a mood, so a carload of us went to the north end of town to buy some sodas and candy bars. It just so happened that I was the last one to pay, so my friends did what any normal sixteen year olds would do in an attempt to be funny: They ran out to the car, got in, and tried to leave me there.
I finished paying, then ran out just in time to be able to jump up on their back bumper and grab onto the car, thus insuring that I would not be left behind. Of course, I was under the mistaken impression that they would stop the car and let me in once they realized I had caught them. Instead, they decided it would be funny to go the other way, and they took the dirt road that led to the city dump. By this time, the car was moving too fast for me to be able to jump off without receiving any bodily harm. Everyone knows how afraid I am of receiving bodily harm, so there I was, stuck standing on the rear bumper of a car traveling ~50 mph down a dirt road, unable to do anything about it.
About this time I looked ahead and saw that one of the Sherriff's deputies was parked ahead, so I did what I thought best given the circumstances. I squatted down on the bumper, foolishly hoping that somehow he wouldn't notice me there as we went speeding by.
Fortunately, I was able to get down off the bumper safely once the officer pulled us over. Unfortunately, we had some explaining to do.
Officer: Alright boys, where's the party at?
Us: What party?
Officer: I'm not stupid you know. You guys are about the fifth car I've seen heading out this way, now where's the party?
Us: Honestly, we don't know anything about a party. We were just fooling around and came out this way.
Officer: So you guys aren't on your way to get drunk?
Us: No. None of us even drink.
[He then checked our IDs and eyed us all suspiciously for a spell]
Officer: Ok, I believe you. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna treat this like a UFO. I saw somethin', and I don't know what it was, but if I see it again I'll know.
Then he let us go. No tickets. No calls to our parents. He just sent us on our way (making sure we were all inside the vehicle this time) then got back to trying to catch underage drinkers.
I just love that line he gave about the UFO. I'm willing to bet that he practiced it at home, and probably even bragged about it later back at the Sherriff's Office. Either that, or it's the line he gives everyone when he lets them off the hook for something. At any rate, it's a classic.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
I went to the grocery store with a friend of mine to get some snacks while en route to a party. My friend didn't have any cash, so she wanted to pay for half the items with her card, but when we went through the checkout, I didn't say anything when the cashier rang everything up at once.
When she read us our total I looked at my friend and said, "Ha ha, I win."
I punched in the number for my savings club card and paid. When the cashier handed me the receipt she looked at us and said, "Thank you very much Mr. and Mrs. [Minnow]. You saved $3.98."
I need to look into whether or not this is a binding legal arrangement. This is Vegas after all, maybe our Vons cashier did have the power vested in her by the state of Nevada to legally pronounce us husband and wife.
Monday, May 14, 2007
A friend of a friend hosted a horseshoe tournament. Registration was required, and 22 teams signed up, with mine being the last of the bunch. I had tentative plans to go to San Diego for the weekend instead, but that fell through a few days beforehand, so I asked a friend if she'd play horseshoes with me. Despite it being such a big commitment, she said yes, and asked me if I could take care of registration, which included coming up with a team name.
Since I was given sole name choosing authority, I wanted something that she wouldn't normally agree to (I end sentences with prepositions. So what?). Also, since she's German, I wanted to go with a German name. I originally wanted to call ourselves Team Sauerkraut , but I didn't know how to spell it, so I opted for one of the only other German words I know: Affentittengeil (literal translation = ape tit groovy).
My dastardly plan worked splendidly because all day long people kept coming up to us and asking what our team name meant. Every time they did I'd turn to her and say, "Hey, tell them what our team name means." Then she'd have to explain what the word meant, but also that nobody in Germany ever uses it.
For the tournament, every time a new game was beginning the host would get on a microphone and call out the two teams that would be competing. Since he didn't know how to pronounce our team name, he simply called us "the Germans." By the end of the day, people would come up to me and ask what part of Germany I was from. I never thought gaining citizenship would be so easy.
Now that I'm German, I'm considering running for public office. Don't worry though, no matter how popular I become, or how powerful I get, I'll refuse to gas any major ethnic groups.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Pretty much all I have to do is exist in order for my mom to have a fabulous day, but I sent her a gift anyway.
I know that not everyone has the benefit of a mother's unconditional love which allows gift giving on Mother's Day to be optional. I also realize that not every child remembers when Mother's Day is, or has the money to purchase gifts. If any of you fall under this category, well friends, today's your lucky day! I've created a coupon that you can download and give to your mother at no cost to you.
Please note that your mother may use the coupon to call your brother if you are not, in fact, her favorite son. If such is the case, I would offer you my condolences, but being my mother's favorite son and all, I really don't know how you feel. I recommend you get a good therapist.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Friday, May 11, 2007
Me: Yeah. I kept passing her while I was working my way through the aisles, then she ended up standing behind me in line at the checkout. She was hot. I couldn't stop looking at her. Not in a way that was too obvious of course, but still.
Him: Did she have a ring?
Me: No. That's the first thing I checked. If I had any sac at all I would have asked her if she had a boyfriend. The problem is, how do you pull that kind of thing off?
Him: I've never done that.
Me: Neither have I.
Him: Did you even talk to her?
Me: Yeah, but just small talk. I wouldn't even know how to go from "This sure is a long line" to "Can I have your number?"
Him: Oh, that's easy. You just say, "Long line huh? You want to come over later and see my long dick?"
Funny, I don't remember telling him that I was actually using the mascara.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Friend 1: She'll be here shortly. She had to run next door to buy some mascara.
When she came in, my other friend asked her if she'd found it ok. She had, and she pulled it out of her purse to show us.
Friend 2: Let me see. Look [Minnow], it says right here it lengthens lashes. You should try putting some on your penis.
Me: I'll be right back. I need to go next door to make a purchase.
Her: Do you need it?
Me: Well, there's one way you can find out.
Her: Let's go.
Alas, she was only joking.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
A month or so ago a girl I know got two free tickets to see one of the shows on the Strip. She wasn't interested in using them so gave them to me. The last day to use the tickets was last week, so even though it was late on a weeknight, I went to it with another friend of mine.
The show was about what we expected it to be, not great, but entertaining. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to spend money on it though. It was about 11 o' clock when we got out, so as we were pulling out of the parking garage I asked my friend if he wanted to drive down the Strip. After all, where else do you get to see unsightly tourist attractions such as this:
Him: We might as well. It's late, and it's a Monday, so traffic shouldn't be too bad.
So we drove home on the Strip. During the drive we were stopped at a light when my friend made an announcement.
Him: Not it on the fat chicks walking over there.
Me: Damn you. That's not fair, I'm watching the light.
Him: Tell it to the fat chicks when you're taking them home.
I really need to sharpen my skills at that game. He gets me all the time.
We continued the drive, which turned out to have been a horrible idea. It seems that we weren't the only ones with the idea that traffic would be light, because it wasn't. Of course, that was partly due to the fact that a few miles down the road, the southbound side of the Strip had been reduced to one lane. By the time we realized this we were pretty much locked in and couldn't get off on any of the side streets. We spent quite some time inching forward. After a while my friend said "Hey look! There's those fat chicks you've got dibs on."
He was right. It was the same girls.
All I have to say is that you know you're driving slow when fat girls are able to outpace you on foot.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Anyway, the idea is to have as many people as possible walking around the room so that the students are well aware of the fact that they are being watched. That way they won't be as tempted to cheat. (Of course, those who are going to cheat probably do anyway, they just make sure they do it while none of the proctors are watching)
Luckily, there are plenty of attractive women on this campus, and I have to say, it's much easier to pass the time wandering around a silent room when there is plenty of eye candy. I probably spend about 1/4 of my time in there actually watching for cheaters, 1/4 staring off into space, 1/4 joking with other proctors, and 1/4 looking at cute girls.
Today while I was proctoring another guy caught me doing the latter. He walked up to me and whispered, "Lecher."
"Oh," I said, "is it that obvious?"
Monday, May 07, 2007
The truth is, I have suicidal thoughts a lot. I'm not saying this as a cry for help, or because I want any sympathy, it's just a simple statement of fact, a part of who I am. I go through periods where I think about suicide several times a day. In fact, last week I was having them once or twice an hour the entire time I was awake, for the entire week. That's the worst it's been for a while, but even during my good periods I rarely make it an entire week without it crossing my mind.
Usually, the thoughts are just a flicker in the back of my mind about what it would feel like to do something so drastic, or how much of a mess it would leave and what it would look like. But that's it. Just a flicker, then they're gone. The only time I seriously entertained the idea was a few weeks after my ex-wife and I separated. It was a particularly rough time for me and I just wanted it to end.
Instead I went and got help.
I've been this way for almost as long as I can remember, or at least since fifth grade. I remember climbing the big tree in front of our house and thinking about what it would be like to dive headfirst onto the driveway. I concluded that it wouldn't feel very good. I'm guessing that it's not normal for a child to think about things like that, but I'm not really qualified to say what is normal and what isn't. All I know is what's normal for me, and having suicidal thoughts seems to fit that category. The odd thing is, for all the complaining I do, there's nothing about my life that's really all that bad. I had no reason to feel that way as a child, and I don't have any reason to feel that way now. I just do.
I debated for a long time whether I should write about this or not. Eventually I decided that I should. I see enough weird stuff that people type into Google that directs them to this blog, and maybe this could be something that allows someone to see that it's ok to have such thoughts. Just because you have them doesn't mean you have to act on them. No matter how dark things seem, they'll always get better. Always. It breaks my heart every time I go to Post Secret and see a card that says something along the lines of "By the time you get this card, I'll no longer be alive." I just wish I could reach out to those people and help them somehow. Make them see that things will get better. Just like my family and friends did for me when I was at my worst.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Her: What are you smiling at?
Me: Oh nothing. This card just made me think of something.
Me: I shouldn't say.
Her: Well you can't do that. Now that you've brought it up you have to tell me.
Me: Ok, but you asked. I was just thinking that it would be so much worse for someone's loved ones if they wrote their suicide note on a Hallmark card. Talk about adding insult to injury.
Her: That's bad, you shouldn't be thinking about stuff like that.
To be continued . . .
(if I feel like it)
Friday, May 04, 2007
(You should know that it was on a play where I blocked another guy's shot - if for no other reason than it makes me sound more cool than I really am and helps me feel better about my life)
While we were playing, one of the guys on the other team made a tough shot. I told him that it was the kind of shot that would have had the crowd chanting his name if we weren't playing in an empty gym.
As soon as I said that I realized something. One of the things I'd like to have happen before I die is to hear a crowd chanting my name. Once I said that to the guys I was playing with, my friend added, "and hopefully it's not at a public hanging."
Hopefully not, but that would technically fulfill the requirement and I could hang in peace.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
As I was doing this, the lady standing ahead of me said, "Wow, I sure would like to be your friend."
Without looking up I replied, "Eh. It's overrated."
I know she was just trying to be nice, but when I'm standing in line anywhere in the ghetto I prefer to be left alone. I'm a jerk like that.
What can I say? I'm easily amused.
Ok, so the scans didn't work as well as I'd hoped. Let me transcribe the things he wrote for each image.
1. The sun wearing moon shoes (IRONY)
2. [Minnow] writing things on the board (complete with the temperature control that juts out the middle of the chalkboard)
3. The most delicious bagel I ever had
4. Each test tube has something drawn underneath it, presumably to hold it up. In order: Little stick people, a pyramid, scaffolding, a pile of used playing cards, Hello Kitty, and a trampoline.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Her: That's the way it's going to be. If anyone doesn't like it, they can just kiss my ass.
Me: I don't like it.
She turned and walked across the room toward me.
Her: [Minnow], do you appreciate your scrotal sac?
Me: Yes, I do. In fact, I'm the only one who appreciates my scrotal sac right now.