Thursday, May 31, 2007

I guess no more kissing the girl who loved my car

A couple weeks ago I had lunch with a girl I've been interested in for a while. On the way there we were passed by a Corvette.

Her: [Minnow], I want a Corvette.
Me: Why? You're not white trash, and it's not like you have a small penis, do you?
Her: I certainly hope not.

When we got to the restaurant there were two yellow Corvettes in the parking lot.

Her: Look, two more.
Me: They must be having a small penis convention.

The hostess seated us next to a window and about halfway through our meal I saw a guy walking from the restaurant toward one of the Corvettes. Not being one to let a joke die (even when I should because it's no longer funny), I felt the need to say something.

Me: Want to see what a guy with a small penis looks like? Look!
Her: That's mean.
Me: But funny.
Her: True.

[slight pause]

Her: Do you have a big penis [Minnow]?
Me: You've seen what I drive.
Her: I'm serious.
Me: I don't know. I've never compared it with anyone.
Her: You never had light-saber fights when you were a kid?
Me: No.
Her: Ok, but you still haven't answered my question.
Me: Well, the only thing I can tell you is that I've never had any complaints.
Her: Is that before or after a break up?
Me: Both. If you want I can call my ex and you could ask her.
Her: That's ok.

Now, obviously I didn't know how to respond to being asked such a personal question point blank. I don't even know if it's possible to answer that question properly. Here's how I envision a few different scenarios:

Scenario 1
"Do you have a big penis?"
What she thinks: Liar!

Scenario 2
"Do you have a big penis?"
What she thinks: Well, that's the last time I'll ever talk to this guy.

Scenario 3
"Do you have a big penis?"
"You've seen what I drive."
What she thinks: He doesn't want to admit that it's small.

Scenario 4
"Do you have a big penis?"
"I've never had any complaints."
What she thinks: He's conceited because his exes were all too nice to complain about it and give him a complex.

Scenario 5
"Do you have a big penis?"
"You could call my ex and ask her."
What she thinks: He's still hung up on her.

Scenario 6
"Do you have a big penis?"
"Come here and I'll show you." or "There's one way you could find out."
What she thinks: Creep!

Feel free to let me know the proper way to answer if there is one. If there isn't, feel free to come up with other scenarios and what a girl would think.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

I'm a fast talkin' hell raisin' son of a bitch

Immediately following my sister's graduation ceremony, my brother and I were talking about what a good job she did with her valedictorian speech. He couldn't remember what he said in his, and I couldn't remember what I said in mine, but we know that neither of them were as good as hers.

Thinking back on it though, I'm pretty sure mine went something like this:

Hey there buckaroo and buckaroo-ettes, as we sit here on this graduation day many of us have come to the realization that the days of roping miniature rocking-horse type bulls in the halls are over. It's time for the big rodeo of life. Many of us don't know what the future holds, but it's time to cowboy up, take that bitch by the horns and ride that sucker for all she's worth. We're talkin' the full 8 seconds baby. Now, go out there and git 'er done. Yeeeeee haaaaawwww!!!

At least that's what it looks like I'm saying in this picture*:

*I don't know who took this picture, I'm pretty sure it was my friend's mom, but I love how they didn't bother to try and move a few inches to the side in order to miss the back of someone's head.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Once you're outside you won't want to hide anymore

My youngest sister graduated from high school on Friday. I took my kids to the ceremony so that they could see her give her valedictorian speech, hoping that it might inspire them to do well in school. My sister is someone who I would hope my kids would strive to be like. However, since kids tend to be clueless about these sorts of "life lessons" my motive was probably lost on them. I'm still glad we went.

Here's my sister giving her speech. She did a really good job. Much better than what my brother and I did for ours (more on this later).

Not to take anything away from my sister and what she's accomplished (graduation, valedictorian, 4 year college scholarship), but I think the best parts of the weekend came after her graduation ceremony. Notably, the kiddie trike olympics that were held in my parents' driveway later that evening:

Or Sunday, when I took my kids to Goblin Valley. First, we went on a short hike through a slot canyon just outside the park. The actual hike through Little Wild Horse Canyon is a nine mile loop. Since we didn't have a lot of time (or water) we only hiked about the first mile, then turned around. We hiked the entire thing about seven years ago when my oldest kids were still young, but they didn't remember much about it so I think it was good that we went again. They certainly seemed to think it was cool. As you can see, it's a great place to go to find out whether or not you're claustrophobic.

On the way back my youngest got tired of walking.
Him: Dad, can I have a piggy back ride?
Me: Yeah, but why do you have to be so lazy all the time?
Him: Because I love it.

After we got back to the car we drove to Goblin Valley and hiked among the rock formations.

It had already been a pretty long day at that point, plus we had a long drive back to my parents' house, so we didn't stay there too long. After about an hour I told the kids that we needed to start heading back to the car.

My youngest: Why? I'm happy here.


Monday, May 28, 2007

We drove out to the desert just to lie down beneath this bowl of stars

10 yr old: Dad, which way are we going?

Me: North.

10 yr old: Wait, I thought that way was north.

Me: No, that's east. But to be honest, we're really driving northeast.

4 yr old: No! We're going desert.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

I must confess I like this mess I've made so far

Daughter: Dad, I don't know how much I weigh because . . .

Son: Because you broke the truck scales?

Daughter: No, I don't know how much I weigh because . . .

Son: Because you're too afraid to look?

Me: Don't worry kiddo, that's what brothers are for.

Daughter: I know, he's always this annoying.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Well I hadn't noticed but the people really noticed that they really didn't want us around

Last week we had our annual Valley of Fire campout. I'll spare you most of the details, but thought I'd give you the following examples of why the people I work with are hilarious.

Example 1
Guy 1: How long's it been since you last shaved?
Me: I don't know. Two or three days.
Guy 1: It looks like a pre-pubescent mustache on a kid.
Guy 2: He wishes!

Example 2
Guy 1: Look helicopters. I guess the strippers are finally here.
Me: I wish. Two helicopters full of strippers showing up would probably be the best thing that's ever happened in my life.
Guy 2: Yeah, it probably would.

Example 3
Or you get to hear exchanges such as this:
"I believe it."
"Yeah, but you're mormon. You'll believe anything."

Example 4
Or this:
I'm* gonna chili-whip your ass

*Happens to be one of the most 'proper' people I've ever met

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Raise my glass 'cause either way I'm dead

Bartender: What can I get for you?

Me: Could I just get a cranberry juice?

Bartender: Sure, no problem.

Friend: Would you like some balls with that?

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

So, are you ready to go my lady?

There was a wedding at the hotel we stayed at on the first night of the workship. While we were sitting around the lobby talking, leering at babysitters and such, people kept coming in and out of the ballroom where the wedding was taking place.

I mentioned to one of my friends that it was very tempting to go in there to try and get some wedding cake. She encouraged me to do it, and had I been wearing something other than shorts I might have.

Me: But I can't go in there dressed like this. It'd be too obvious.
Her: I'll give you $50 if you go in there and get some wedding cake.
British Scientist: And I'll give you another $100 if you go get one of the bridesmaids.
Other Friend: Really! What more could you ask for? There's a wedding. There's alcohol. There are bridesmaids with nowhere else to go, and you've got a room upstairs. It'd be just like shooting fish in a barrel.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Tell them Albert Einstein and Copernicus were wrong

This past weekend was a pretty busy one for me. I didn't get a signal on my cell phone where I was, let alone have internet access, hence the lack of posts. My advisor hosted a workshop for the National Science Foundation, and we were coerced into doing things like running shuttles to and from the airport with the 'reward' being that we would get to listen in on the proceedings (I use the term loosely because when I explained that to one of the attendees, he told me that we needed to organize a grad student union).

The workshop itself was a brainstorming session of sorts. Twenty-six top researchers from around the world came together to try and define the future direction of our field. Needless to say, there was a lot of brainpower in the room. Oddly enough, this time I didn't feel as much of a mental midget as I did at the meetings I went to last year. That's not to say that I was anywhere near the level these guys are at, but maybe I'm making progress. Or maybe I'm just lying to you to make myself feel better.

One of the organizers of the workshop is a single mother. The only reason I'm bringing this up is because she arranged to bring her son and his babysitter along with her to the meeting. I talked to one of the attendees that knows her quite well and he said that the kid is probably the most well traveled seven year old on the planet (just to solidify that claim, she's taking him to Madagascar next summer - lucky kid!).

Anyway, after everything was done on the first day of the workshop, a group of us were sitting around talking in the hotel lobby. The babysitter was sitting across the room reading a book. She happened to be rather attractive, so I kept sneaking glances in her direction.

One of my friends noticed.

Her: I see you looking at that girl. Why don't you go talk to her?
Me: Because I'm just not going to.
Her: You should.
Me: She's reading a book and wants to be left alone.
Her: Look, she's not even reading her book, she's been on the same page for ten minutes. She's just looking around waiting for you to come over.
Me: Would you shut up?

A minute or so later:

Her: You should go talk to her.
Me: I thought I told you to shut up.
Her: Why won't you?
Me: Hi, my name's [Minnow], we obviously haven't met. Besides, I'm trying to be professional here.
Her: Well, if you're not going to talk to her then I will.
Me: Go for it.

At that point, a world renowned British scientist who had been listening to us turned around to see who we were talking about.

World Renowned British Scientist: Oh, you're talking about the babysitter. That's easy. Go for it!

Friday, May 18, 2007

I've hiked and hiked and wandered too, but I ain't seen any candy

I told one of my friends the reasons why I'd never be able to pull off pedophilia. Like most people, he thought it was funny because it's true. Yesterday he got this picture in an email and immediately thought of me. I'm flattered.

I don't know where the picture* originally came from, so I can't give credit where it's due, but it looks like something that would come from this site. At any rate, it made me laugh really hard.

The scary thing is, I'd probably take the chance.

I mean, hey, how many chances do have to get free** candy?

*but I totally need to get a van like that

**excluding Halloween

Viva Las Vegas!

The past two weeks I've been doing a lot of Vegas-ey type things. I've been on the Las Vegas Strip, a street which I normally avoid as much as possible, a total of 9 times. The most recent was for a friend's birthday.

My friend informed me that she had the whole day planned out. First, we were going to the Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay. Then we were going to ride the roller coaster at New York New York, followed by ice cream at the Bellagio while we watched the fountains.

This was my first trip to the Shark Reef, despite numerous opportunities to go in the past. I thought it was great, but I got a little frustrated by my camera's slow shutter speed. I tried taking about 100 pictures, but the only one that I thought came out nicely was this picture of a lionfish (the rest were blurry):

We finished that before dark, and decided that the roller coaster would be better once all the casinos had their lights turned on, so we went to the Bellagio first. We wanted to see the Conservatory because they always have it decorated nicely for each season, but they were in the middle of changing from a spring to a summer theme, so we didn't get to see any of it. The ice cream was good, and I saw one of the best fountains I've ever laid eyes on.

Of course, then we went outside to see the more famous fountains. You know, the ones that weren't running with chocolate, but were instead the regular lame water kind. We went outside at dusk, which was cool because I got to take these shots of the casino.

While we were waiting for the fountains, I had the following conversation with my friend:

Me: You know, we're going to have to make out as soon as the fountains start.
Her: And why is that?
Me: It's just what you're supposed to do.
Her: Funny, I've come to watch the fountains with other people, so why haven't I made out with any of them.
Me: That's because they haven't been showing you how to do it right.

She didn't fall for it.

We went back to the roller coaster ride, and I have to say it was much better than I expected it to be. We were in the front car, and I found myself getting a little shaky as we began our ascent. I'd definitely recommend it if you've never gone.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

When I was a kid I saw a light flying high above the trees one night, thought it was an alien, turned out to be just God.

When I was sixteen years old I did a lot of stupid things. The kind of things that you read about on the Darwin Awards site. A friend of mine reminded me of one of those stories today, so I thought I'd share it here.

I grew up in a small town in rural Utah. Needless to say, there wasn't a whole lot to do for entertainment. Many nights consisted of dragging Main Street, and that was it. Sure, driving up and down a single street in the hopes of running into friends so you could talk to them in a parking lot is a pointless exercise, but it beat sitting around the house, so that's what we did.

One of the other problems with living in a small town (and part of why dragging Main was the thing to do) is that everything closes by six o'clock p.m. If we got in the mood for snacks, we'd have to drive to purchase them at the "busy" gas stations along the freeway exits. One evening, we got in such a mood, so a carload of us went to the north end of town to buy some sodas and candy bars. It just so happened that I was the last one to pay, so my friends did what any normal sixteen year olds would do in an attempt to be funny: They ran out to the car, got in, and tried to leave me there.

I finished paying, then ran out just in time to be able to jump up on their back bumper and grab onto the car, thus insuring that I would not be left behind. Of course, I was under the mistaken impression that they would stop the car and let me in once they realized I had caught them. Instead, they decided it would be funny to go the other way, and they took the dirt road that led to the city dump. By this time, the car was moving too fast for me to be able to jump off without receiving any bodily harm. Everyone knows how afraid I am of receiving bodily harm, so there I was, stuck standing on the rear bumper of a car traveling ~50 mph down a dirt road, unable to do anything about it.

About this time I looked ahead and saw that one of the Sherriff's deputies was parked ahead, so I did what I thought best given the circumstances. I squatted down on the bumper, foolishly hoping that somehow he wouldn't notice me there as we went speeding by.

He noticed.

Fortunately, I was able to get down off the bumper safely once the officer pulled us over. Unfortunately, we had some explaining to do.

Officer: Alright boys, where's the party at?

Us: What party?

Officer: I'm not stupid you know. You guys are about the fifth car I've seen heading out this way, now where's the party?

Us: Honestly, we don't know anything about a party. We were just fooling around and came out this way.

Officer: So you guys aren't on your way to get drunk?

Us: No. None of us even drink.

[He then checked our IDs and eyed us all suspiciously for a spell]

Officer: Ok, I believe you. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna treat this like a UFO. I saw somethin', and I don't know what it was, but if I see it again I'll know.

Then he let us go. No tickets. No calls to our parents. He just sent us on our way (making sure we were all inside the vehicle this time) then got back to trying to catch underage drinkers.

I just love that line he gave about the UFO. I'm willing to bet that he practiced it at home, and probably even bragged about it later back at the Sherriff's Office. Either that, or it's the line he gives everyone when he lets them off the hook for something. At any rate, it's a classic.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

I think I thought I heard that you loved me

Crazy things are happening here in The Shallows. We're talking major life changes for me here. Yesterday I told you about how I became German, and now I think I've picked up a wife.

I went to the grocery store with a friend of mine to get some snacks while en route to a party. My friend didn't have any cash, so she wanted to pay for half the items with her card, but when we went through the checkout, I didn't say anything when the cashier rang everything up at once.

When she read us our total I looked at my friend and said, "Ha ha, I win."

I punched in the number for my savings club card and paid. When the cashier handed me the receipt she looked at us and said, "Thank you very much Mr. and Mrs. [Minnow]. You saved $3.98."

I need to look into whether or not this is a binding legal arrangement. This is Vegas after all, maybe our Vons cashier did have the power vested in her by the state of Nevada to legally pronounce us husband and wife.

Monday, May 14, 2007

I drove a tank, held a general's rank when the blitzkrieg raged and the bodies stank

I had a pretty eventful weekend. For one thing, I became German on Saturday. It was a lot easier to do than you'd think it would be. Here's how it all transpired:

A friend of a friend hosted a horseshoe tournament. Registration was required, and 22 teams signed up, with mine being the last of the bunch. I had tentative plans to go to San Diego for the weekend instead, but that fell through a few days beforehand, so I asked a friend if she'd play horseshoes with me. Despite it being such a big commitment, she said yes, and asked me if I could take care of registration, which included coming up with a team name.

Since I was given sole name choosing authority, I wanted something that she wouldn't normally agree to (I end sentences with prepositions. So what?). Also, since she's German, I wanted to go with a German name. I originally wanted to call ourselves Team Sauerkraut , but I didn't know how to spell it, so I opted for one of the only other German words I know: Affentittengeil (literal translation = ape tit groovy).

My dastardly plan worked splendidly because all day long people kept coming up to us and asking what our team name meant. Every time they did I'd turn to her and say, "Hey, tell them what our team name means." Then she'd have to explain what the word meant, but also that nobody in Germany ever uses it.

For the tournament, every time a new game was beginning the host would get on a microphone and call out the two teams that would be competing. Since he didn't know how to pronounce our team name, he simply called us "the Germans." By the end of the day, people would come up to me and ask what part of Germany I was from. I never thought gaining citizenship would be so easy.

Now that I'm German, I'm considering running for public office. Don't worry though, no matter how popular I become, or how powerful I get, I'll refuse to gas any major ethnic groups.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Mom leans down and says, "My sentiments exactly."

In case you live in a cave (in which case you probably don't have internet access, so this statement doesn't make any sense and should have been deleted), it's Mother's Day.

Pretty much all I have to do is exist in order for my mom to have a fabulous day, but I sent her a gift anyway.

I know that not everyone has the benefit of a mother's unconditional love which allows gift giving on Mother's Day to be optional. I also realize that not every child remembers when Mother's Day is, or has the money to purchase gifts. If any of you fall under this category, well friends, today's your lucky day! I've created a coupon that you can download and give to your mother at no cost to you.

Please note that your mother may use the coupon to call your brother if you are not, in fact, her favorite son. If such is the case, I would offer you my condolences, but being my mother's favorite son and all, I really don't know how you feel. I recommend you get a good therapist.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Foolin' myself into thinkin' I was livin'

Friend 1: [Minnow], if you changed your last name to Belafonte you'd get laid a lot more.

Friend 2: Or at all.


Friday, May 11, 2007

Let's undress just like cross-eyed strangers

Me: Oh man, there was this girl at the grocery store the other day, you should have seen her. She was gorgeous.

Him: Yeah?

Me: Yeah. I kept passing her while I was working my way through the aisles, then she ended up standing behind me in line at the checkout. She was hot. I couldn't stop looking at her. Not in a way that was too obvious of course, but still.

Him: Did she have a ring?

Me: No. That's the first thing I checked. If I had any sac at all I would have asked her if she had a boyfriend. The problem is, how do you pull that kind of thing off?

Him: I've never done that.

Me: Neither have I.

Him: Did you even talk to her?

Me: Yeah, but just small talk. I wouldn't even know how to go from "This sure is a long line" to "Can I have your number?"

Him: Oh, that's easy. You just say, "Long line huh? You want to come over later and see my long dick?"

Funny, I don't remember telling him that I was actually using the mascara.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

This happens all the time, it's detachable

I was watching the playoffs the other night with a friend, and another couple of friends decided they'd come join us. They rode together, yet one of them walked in alone. We asked him why the other one didn't come.

Friend 1: She'll be here shortly. She had to run next door to buy some mascara.

When she came in, my other friend asked her if she'd found it ok. She had, and she pulled it out of her purse to show us.

Friend 2: Let me see. Look [Minnow], it says right here it lengthens lashes. You should try putting some on your penis.

Me: I'll be right back. I need to go next door to make a purchase.

Her: Do you need it?

Me: Well, there's one way you can find out.

Her: Let's go.

Alas, she was only joking.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

This long line of cars is trying to break free

A month or so ago a girl I know got two free tickets to see one of the shows on the Strip. She wasn't interested in using them so gave them to me. The last day to use the tickets was last week, so even though it was late on a weeknight, I went to it with another friend of mine.

The show was about what we expected it to be, not great, but entertaining. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to spend money on it though. It was about 11 o' clock when we got out, so as we were pulling out of the parking garage I asked my friend if he wanted to drive down the Strip. After all, where else do you get to see unsightly tourist attractions such as this:

Him: We might as well. It's late, and it's a Monday, so traffic shouldn't be too bad.

So we drove home on the Strip. During the drive we were stopped at a light when my friend made an announcement.

Him: Not it on the fat chicks walking over there.
Me: Damn you. That's not fair, I'm watching the light.
Him: Tell it to the fat chicks when you're taking them home.

I really need to sharpen my skills at that game. He gets me all the time.

We continued the drive, which turned out to have been a horrible idea. It seems that we weren't the only ones with the idea that traffic would be light, because it wasn't. Of course, that was partly due to the fact that a few miles down the road, the southbound side of the Strip had been reduced to one lane. By the time we realized this we were pretty much locked in and couldn't get off on any of the side streets. We spent quite some time inching forward. After a while my friend said "Hey look! There's those fat chicks you've got dibs on."

He was right. It was the same girls.

All I have to say is that you know you're driving slow when fat girls are able to outpace you on foot.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Six out of ten, better luck next time

I just finished proctoring an exam. If you've never had the experience of proctoring an exam, let me just tell you that few things in this world are as boring as proctoring. Seriously. Sometimes I think that if I had to choose between proctoring or sliding matchsticks under my toenails I'd choose the matchsticks.

Anyway, the idea is to have as many people as possible walking around the room so that the students are well aware of the fact that they are being watched. That way they won't be as tempted to cheat. (Of course, those who are going to cheat probably do anyway, they just make sure they do it while none of the proctors are watching)

Luckily, there are plenty of attractive women on this campus, and I have to say, it's much easier to pass the time wandering around a silent room when there is plenty of eye candy. I probably spend about 1/4 of my time in there actually watching for cheaters, 1/4 staring off into space, 1/4 joking with other proctors, and 1/4 looking at cute girls.

Today while I was proctoring another guy caught me doing the latter. He walked up to me and whispered, "Lecher."

"Oh," I said, "is it that obvious?"

Monday, May 07, 2007

She said, "Suicide's easy. What happened to the revolution?"

[When we last saw our hero, he was being told that he shouldn't think about things such as suicide note etiquette - If you don't want to be bored to death, stop reading now]

The truth is, I have suicidal thoughts a lot. I'm not saying this as a cry for help, or because I want any sympathy, it's just a simple statement of fact, a part of who I am. I go through periods where I think about suicide several times a day. In fact, last week I was having them once or twice an hour the entire time I was awake, for the entire week. That's the worst it's been for a while, but even during my good periods I rarely make it an entire week without it crossing my mind.

Usually, the thoughts are just a flicker in the back of my mind about what it would feel like to do something so drastic, or how much of a mess it would leave and what it would look like. But that's it. Just a flicker, then they're gone. The only time I seriously entertained the idea was a few weeks after my ex-wife and I separated. It was a particularly rough time for me and I just wanted it to end.

Instead I went and got help.

I've been this way for almost as long as I can remember, or at least since fifth grade. I remember climbing the big tree in front of our house and thinking about what it would be like to dive headfirst onto the driveway. I concluded that it wouldn't feel very good. I'm guessing that it's not normal for a child to think about things like that, but I'm not really qualified to say what is normal and what isn't. All I know is what's normal for me, and having suicidal thoughts seems to fit that category. The odd thing is, for all the complaining I do, there's nothing about my life that's really all that bad. I had no reason to feel that way as a child, and I don't have any reason to feel that way now. I just do.

I debated for a long time whether I should write about this or not. Eventually I decided that I should. I see enough weird stuff that people type into Google that directs them to this blog, and maybe this could be something that allows someone to see that it's ok to have such thoughts. Just because you have them doesn't mean you have to act on them. No matter how dark things seem, they'll always get better. Always. It breaks my heart every time I go to Post Secret and see a card that says something along the lines of "By the time you get this card, I'll no longer be alive." I just wish I could reach out to those people and help them somehow. Make them see that things will get better. Just like my family and friends did for me when I was at my worst.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

The whole wide world is at it again showing me how it feels good to bleed

A week or so ago I was with a friend while she was trying to find a birthday card to send her father. I did some other shopping (mostly for candy) while she was looking at cards, and then joined her at the card rack. Standing there, I saw a section that I hadn't ever noticed before. A section labeled Goodbye Cards. I picked one up, read it, and started smiling.

Her: What are you smiling at?
Me: Oh nothing. This card just made me think of something.
Her: What?
Me: I shouldn't say.
Her: Well you can't do that. Now that you've brought it up you have to tell me.
Me: Ok, but you asked. I was just thinking that it would be so much worse for someone's loved ones if they wrote their suicide note on a Hallmark card. Talk about adding insult to injury.
Her: That's bad, you shouldn't be thinking about stuff like that.

To be continued . . .

(if I feel like it)

Friday, May 04, 2007

Tied the knot that broke my fall

I tweaked my back playing basketball the other day and it's been sore ever since. Back pain is nothing new to me, in fact I experience it a little too regularly. If I was a smart man, I'd start doing exercises to strengthen my core. Then again, I never claimed to be a smart man.

(You should know that it was on a play where I blocked another guy's shot - if for no other reason than it makes me sound more cool than I really am and helps me feel better about my life)

While we were playing, one of the guys on the other team made a tough shot. I told him that it was the kind of shot that would have had the crowd chanting his name if we weren't playing in an empty gym.

As soon as I said that I realized something. One of the things I'd like to have happen before I die is to hear a crowd chanting my name. Once I said that to the guys I was playing with, my friend added, "and hopefully it's not at a public hanging."

Hopefully not, but that would technically fulfill the requirement and I could hang in peace.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Step aside, out the way, wipe that look off your face

The other day I went to the post office to send a package. I got one of the colorful padded envelopes that they have available for purchase, put the stuff I was mailing into it, and started filling out a matching address label.

As I was doing this, the lady standing ahead of me said, "Wow, I sure would like to be your friend."

Without looking up I replied, "Eh. It's overrated."

I know she was just trying to be nice, but when I'm standing in line anywhere in the ghetto I prefer to be left alone. I'm a jerk like that.

How can you know that you're right if you're not nervous anymore?

I told you about the student who makes up a new middle name for himself every week. I thought I'd show you another example of the other things he does that make me laugh. Here are a few drawings from one of his quizzes. He got 100% on it, but decided to fill in some of the empty space on the paper as well.

What can I say? I'm easily amused.


Ok, so the scans didn't work as well as I'd hoped. Let me transcribe the things he wrote for each image.

1. The sun wearing moon shoes (IRONY)

2. [Minnow] writing things on the board (complete with the temperature control that juts out the middle of the chalkboard)

3. The most delicious bagel I ever had

4. Each test tube has something drawn underneath it, presumably to hold it up. In order: Little stick people, a pyramid, scaffolding, a pile of used playing cards, Hello Kitty, and a trampoline.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Lipstick and callous and fishnets and malice

My students have their lab final this week. After spending a few hours holding an open lab for them to come in and review the material, we had to make them leave so we could start setting up the exam. It normally takes a while to set up because we have to dissect specimens for each of the labs they've done since the midterm. This time it took us about two hours. When we finally got close to finishing, one of my friends decided that we needed to speed things up a little bit.

Her: That's the way it's going to be. If anyone doesn't like it, they can just kiss my ass.

Me: I don't like it.

She turned and walked across the room toward me.

Her: [Minnow], do you appreciate your scrotal sac?

Me: Yes, I do. In fact, I'm the only one who appreciates my scrotal sac right now.