Wednesday, April 29, 2009

What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy

Mr M: Sometimes I wish I was the oldest kid.

Me: Why?

Mr M: Because I'm the most goodest.

Me: You are?

Mr M: Yeah.

Me: Well, what about Tortellini and Togers?

Mr M: They suck.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Add another belt notch to the hundreds for the heartache assassin

Togers got his heart broken for the first time. My ex called me last night to see if I'd talk to him about it. I did, but as I was talking to him it occurred to me that me giving him girl advice would be similar to Larry the Cable Guy being science adviser to the White House.

This morning I asked if he was feeling any better. He said he was. When he got out of the car I told him the one thing about girls that I do know for sure: "Chicks are crazy, man. Don't ever forget that."

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Fifty bucks and a case of beer and nobody's sayin' goodbye

Yesterday was the annual horseshoe tournament. I took Togers and Mr M with me this year because that is what a good father does - takes his young impressionable kids to a kegger.

Like last year, there were a lot of teams. Like last year, my team was eliminated about halfway through. Like last year, there was a lot of alcohol consumed by the attendees (I believe it was four kegs and a gallon and a half of J├Ągermeister this time). And like last year, I was the beer bitch because nobody else was sober enough to drive.

All it took for Togers to become the biggest social butterfly of the entire party was for him to hit a ringer. Being the youngest participant, everybody cheered him on. It must've gone to his head because after the match was over he went around introducing himself to everyone for the rest of the night. He even started talking smack to some of his future opponents.

Togers (to probably the biggest guy at the party): What's your team name?
The Big Guy: [Team Name]
Togers: I think we take you on next. We'll probably win. [Walks away]
The Big Guy (to me): Wait! Did that little bastard just talk shit to me? I think he did.
Me: I think you're right.
The Big Guy: I'm going to push him down the hill the next time he walks by.
Me: You've got my blessing.

A few minutes later:
The Big Guy: Great! Now he's in my head. I'll probably throw a shoe and hit the house.

Mr M learned a few things while he was there. Some people taught him and a neighbor girl how to play ping pong. He told me that he can't wait until he's bigger so that he can be better at playing that. Later, he ended up shooting baskets with a couple of guys. I went over to shoot around with him too. We'd take turns, and after a few rounds he shot the ball, missed, then said, "Douchebag!"

I suppose I ought to stop using that word so much. Either that, or Mr M needs to learn how to use it in context.

I could go on and on, like telling about the girl who got too drunk too early, and the guy who tried to wrap her up in saran wrap to prevent her from vomiting on herself only to have someone else get protective of her and douse that guy with the hose. Or I could tell you about the guy who stumbled his way out of the house and fell into the middle of a very spiny desert plant. But I won't (mostly because I didn't get pictures).

All in all, it wasn't as fun as last year's tournament, but it still beat going to the office on a Saturday.

Friday, April 24, 2009

All that you feel is yourself getting old

My sister sent me this card*:

Then, to add insult to injury, someone else saw it and asked how my sister had been able to make a card with my face photoshopped onto Hillary Clinton's body.

The card was a nice gesture, but this was only thing I really wanted.

*Sure the card itself is a little dated since, you know, she lost the election and all, but it is funny in this context.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Mutilation out of sight and I'm contemplating suicide

Today I'll be indoctrinating my students about global warming by having them watch An Inconvenient Truth.

That means I'll be listening to Al Gore's voice for approximately six hours today.

If you don't hear from me again, it means I will have offed myself.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I live my life a quarter mile at a time

I need to replace the tires on my car.

I've been saying that since January, but still haven't done it.

It's to the point now where I check them all the time just to make sure the wires aren't poking through the sidewall.

Maybe I need to just go buy new tires.

Or maybe I should take up drift racing.

Because if you ain't out of control, you ain't in control.

Really all I need to do is put a spoiler on my Sentra, prime it for NOS, and surround myself with a bunch of hot, scantily clad Asian girls.

Yeah, I think I'll do that instead.

Happy Earth Day!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Before I learn I gotta grow up, but I'm not willing I guess I'm fucked

Having a bad day? Are you the sort of person who feels better after reading about the misery of others? If so, you're in luck. May I direct your attention to Read it. Love it.

A few good ones:

- Today, I was flirting via text with a coworker. Things started getting heated, and I wanted to send her a sexy picture. I asked if she had any suggestions. She said, "Your nuts!" She meant, "YOU'RE nuts." I sent her a photo of my junk. I offended a co-worker with incriminating evidence. FML

- Today, I got back my math test. Instead of taking the time to mark the mistakes, my professor just circled the bottom half of the page and wrote "OMG." FML

- Today, I was delivering packages to patients in the hospital for my job. My boss gave me a room to deliver to, and I drop it off as usual. But my boss gave me the wrong room number. I had to walk in, apologize, and take back balloons and a stuffed animal from a crying 6year old patient. FML

- Today, I tasted the rainbow. By that, I mean a homeless man hit me in the face with a bag of Skittles for not giving him money. FML

- Today, I was texting two people at once. Trying to respond to my friend's text, I accidentally clicked on this guy's name instead, who I've never met. He just told me about his grandma's funeral he went to that was an open casket. I responded with, "Haha wow you slut, I'm sure you were aroused." FML

- Today I texted my girlfriend, telling her how I hated my job and felt like I was trapped be wasting my time. A couple of minutes later she texted back, saying "That's how I feel about our relationship." FML

- Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

- Today I stopped riding my bike to help an elderly lady across the street. While we were crossing, the light changed, and in the rush to get her to the curb I dropped my phone. It was run over. Then I looked across the street just in time to see my bike get stolen. FML

Sunday, April 19, 2009

There's always someone out there cooler than you

Yesterday was Tortellini's birthday. Her mom took care of the cake (although my roommate's son bailed her out on the frosting job):

I took care of getting her what struck me as the shirt that was created specifically with her in mind:

(If you can't tell what's going on, go check it out at threadless.)

I fixed lunch for everybody, and then we all went to the pool. While we were there, I had this exchange with Mr M:

Mr M: Dad, Tortellini is cool.

Me: Who is more cool, Tortellini or you?

Mr M: Um. Me.

Me: How about Tortellini or Togers?

Mr M: Tortellini.

Me: Who's cooler out of me and Togers?

Mr M: Togers.

Me: Me and Tortellini?

Mr M: Tortellini.

Me: How about me or your mom?

Mr M: You.

Ex: What*?!? How can that be?

Mr M (very matter of factly): Mom. You don't have a X-Box.

*This is about a hundred times funnier if you know exactly how fiercely loyal Mr M is to his mother. He got mad at me and the guy who cuts my hair because we said he could do a better job cutting Mr M's hair than his mom could do. He wouldn't talk to either of us for about ten minutes. He doesn't think jokes about her are funny, even if she laughs at them. It's good to know that an X-Box overrides all of that.

Friday, April 17, 2009

I wish this could've been any other way, but I just don't know, I don't know else I can do

Waiting for a job interview to begin is the only time you don't want to receive a text like this:

You should play hookey with me today and take me to the mall because I am afraid to drive and I need to go to Victoria's Secret. You can see my boobs ;)

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Now whip it into shape, shape it up, get straight, go forward, move ahead, try to detect it, it's not too late to whip it, whip it good

Me: I deleted my myspace profile today. I've been thinking about quitting blogging too.

Flieswithoutwings: Whaaaaaa? You can't do that.

Me: Well, the only reason I kept my myspace page this long was so I could stay in better contact with [Girl Who Wouldn't Be My Girlfriend], but she'll just have to call or contact me through facebook if she wants to talk. I waste too much time online and that's one less thing now. Besides, I don't feel like I'm as funny as I used to be. I feel like I've lost it and maybe it's time to go.

Flieswithoutwings: You've got one of the better blogs I've seen. Plus, you seem to have a pretty good following. You just need to quit worrying about girls so much.

Me: You're probably right. It does seem like I put a lot of energy into that. Especially on my blog. I must seem desperate.

Flieswithoutwings: Just remember, you've got to whip that pussy. Don't let the pussy whip you.

Flieswithoutwings: [Wife] just hit me for saying that.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Every time I find a girl beaten, gagged and bound, I let her go and write it down

Friend: Is rape your favorite game? See Redacted.

Me: Depends on if I'm giving or receiving.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

You'll realize one day the grass is always greener on the other side

Two stories from Easter Sunday:

The first came from Mr M telling me that there's no such thing as the Easter Bunny. No. Instead, humans just dress up in rabbit costumes and go around delivering candy and eggs. After all, it's not like a bunny can make candy. Duh!

When I tried to convince him otherwise, he just kind of rolled his eyes and walked away.

A few minutes later he came back holding the chocolate rabbit that was in his Easter basket. He pointed to the side of the box it came in and said, "If the Easter bunny is real, then why is there nutritional information on the box? Huh?" Then he turned it over and pointed to the bar code, "And this right here proves that someone bought it."

I asked him where he thought all the other candy that was on the counter came from.


I think the gig is up.


The second story came from when we were hanging out at the pool. I'm not sure if I mentioned this on here or not, but my ex-wife and her second husband are getting a divorce. Needless to say, they didn't exactly part on good terms, and a lot of her neighbors have heard her version of the circumstances surrounding the end of their time together. They all think he's a jerk. Of course, they're only going on one side of the story (as am I), but they have definitely formed opinions.

So, while we're sitting at the side of the pool, my ex starts talking to one of her neighbor ladies. She introduces me as her ex-husband, and the lady gave me kind of a funny look.

My ex said, "No, he's not that husband. He's the first one. Apparently I like to collect ex-husbands."

I added, "I'm the husband she wishes she'd never left."

Monday, April 13, 2009

If you can't see me happy well just look the other way

The perfect way to spend an Easter Sunday:

1) Have the kids spend the night and dye eggs the night before.
2) Wake up and do the whole Easter basket thing followed by an egg hunt in the back yard.
3) Eat a lot of candy!
4) Make a good lunch (at least by my standards) of ham and cheesy potatoes.
5) Hang out with the kids at their pool (even if the water is too cold and you end up getting a slight sunburn).
6) Go home and take a short nap.
7) Go to a concert.

I went with a girl who is way out of my league, but as they say, it's better to aim high and miss than aim low and hit, right?

The show was amazing! I'd never seen them play live, but I'm really glad I went as I was still waffling about it a week prior to the show.

At one point, the lead singer asked whether there was anyone in the crowd who'd never heard of them but just stumbled in from the casino to see what was going on, or if there was anyone who was hearing them for the very first time. The girl I was with fell into the category of those hearing them for the first time, so she raised her hand. The lead singer looked directly at her and said, "Well, we're glad you came." A few songs later, he jumped down off the stage and started to walk into the audience while he was singing. I leaned over and said, "Looks like he wants to come out and say hi to you." She laughed, but then as he continued singing the song, he walked straight to her, shook her hand, stopped singing and said, "Welcome to Travis" then continued on with the song.

All I'm saying is, you know the girl you brought to the show is hot when the lead singer of the band makes it a point to introduce himself.

I told her, "You could soooo get backstage if you wanted to."

She said she wouldn't go without me. I really believe that she could've, but I'm glad she didn't.

After the show, she thanked me about ten times for inviting her, and asked me to put together a mix CD of my favorite songs of theirs. Instead, I'm going to put a CD together with all the songs I can remember them playing at the concert since that includes a lot of my favorites anyway. However, I'm not sure I can give her a mix CD without asking if that means we're "going steady" if she accepts it.

Oh yeah, I tried to take a picture with my camera phone so I could make everybody jealous, but this is how crappy it turned out (I added the circle - obviously, he doesn't have a red aura).

Saturday, April 11, 2009

I tremble they're gonna eat me alive if I stumble

Ladies and Gentlemen, from the notebook of Tortellini, I give you . . . Mr. Yum Yum!

Don't let him ruin your Easter Sunday!

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Hello hello I'm at a place called vertigo

A friend of mine got dizzy while doing yoga the other day. He didn't think much about it, but was still feeling weird a day or two later, so figured he ought to go see the doctor.

The doctor told him he had a case of positional vertigo.

My friend asked the doctor if there was anything he should do to prevent that from recurring.

The doctor said, "Do less yoga, drink more beer."

How many people would kill to be able to get that prescription?

Send it, you got to send it, send me your money

The other day:

Friend: Did you file your taxes already?

Me: Yeah. I finally sent them off about two weeks ago.

Friend: Me too. But [Girlfriend] hasn't yet.

Me: She'd better hurry.

Friend: I know.

Me: What day is the deadline this year? It's next week, right?

Friend: Eight days from now. At least that's what the statue of liberty standing on the corner waving a sign told me earlier.

Me: If you can't trust the statue of liberty, who can you trust?

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

This will turn into something else, something else, and when it does I'll be somewhere else, somewhere else

I've mentioned before about how I get stage fright when it comes time to pee in a crowded public bathroom. I'm fine as long as I can start my stream before anyone stands next to me, but if someone's standing there before I start, forget about it.

Last night I went with a friend to watch the Men's NCAA championship game. Around halftime, I needed to use the restroom. I walked in, and to my relief, there was nobody else around. So, I unzipped and began to pee. Within about five seconds of this happening, the entire bathroom filled with men. I'm not even exaggerating in the slightest. Luckily I'd already started, so it wasn't an issue. Otherwise, I never would've been able to relieve my bladder.

The bathroom was so full, that somebody walked in and shouted, "Wow, it's a cock party in here."

That's one type of party I hope to never have to experience again.

Monday, April 06, 2009

Now I'm very big I'm a big important man

Last time I went grocery shopping a woman approached me and said, "I'm sure you get this all the time, but has anyone ever told you that you look like our former president?"

I nodded and said, "At least two or three times a week."

"Well, this is going to sound weird, but would it be okay if I took your picture? I want to send it to my sister so I can tell her I met Bill at the grocery store."

I let her. I think it was the highlight of her day.

Maybe I should look into whether there's a big market for Bill Clinton impersonators. It could end up being much more lucrative than the whole 'biology' thing.

Saturday, April 04, 2009

The body says no no no no

Last night I saw the girl whose boobs I said no to a couple weeks ago. She came over to talk to me and my friend as soon as she saw us.

Her (to my friend): He said no to my boobs last time. Can you believe that?

Him: I heard the story. I told him that I'd be happy to buy a round of shots and take them out to you guys if it meant I got to see boobs.

Her (to him): I know, right?

Her (to me): Are you sure you aren't gay?

Me: Pretty sure.

Looks like my actions* backfired.

*I wasn't even intentionally** playing hard to get when I said no to her boobs. I just had somewhere else I needed to be that night and I was already going to be late.

**I haven't been reading The Game, even though I could probably use some tips.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

This is not a joke so please stop smiling

When I stopped by to pick up Mr M and take him to school, he was being scolded for something he'd done (or maybe something he was supposed to do but didn't, I'm not sure because I just caught the tail end of it).

While his mom was finishing what she had to say, Mr M rolled his eyes and said, "Oh my gosh!"

Ex: You've been saying that to me way too much lately. I want you to stop saying that.

Mr M: Oh my gosh, Mom.

Ex: I told you not to say that.

Mr M: Oh my gosh. 'Oh my gosh' is just 'oh my gosh.' It's not a swear word. Look it up.

Ex: I don't care if it's not a swear word. I want you to quit saying it to me. Now brush your teeth.

Mr M: You brush your teeth.

Ex: What did you just say to me?

Mr M: Nothing.

Ex: That's what I thought.

Mr M (waiting until she'd walked a safe enough distance out of the room): YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH!

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

The parasites are excited when you're dead, eyes bulging, entering your head

In lab, I was talking about Phylum Nematoda. I mentioned to my students that while some of them are free living, many nematodes are parasites. I also told them that if they wanted to see some really disturbing pictures they should do a Google image search for Ascaris.

One of my more impatient students whipped out his iphone and did so right away. Then he showed the pictures to his lab partners. As expected, they were grossed out. What I didn't expect was that the guy would save this picture (click if you're feeling really brave - if you're not, it's some roundworms coming out of a kid's butt) as his phone's wallpaper.

Him: That was so gross. I couldn't believe how many worms were coming out of that man's butt.

Me: You mean that little boy.

Him: ?

Me: That wasn't a full grown man.

Him: Are you sure? I thought it was a man.

Me: Dude. You of all people ought to be able to recognize a young boy's anus when you see one.

(I'll leave it up to you to decide if this is true or if it's an April Fool's joke.)