Saturday, April 23, 2011

Do you remember cooking roasts on the Sabbath with your dad?

I'm visiting my kids for the weekend. My ex-wife and her boyfriend are working today. I was in their kitchen making some lunch, when Tortellini came in.

Mr M said, "Get out of the kitchen [Tortellini]!"

I said, "No, don't you know that's a woman's place? Get back in the kitchen [Tortellini]!"

Mr M asked, "Does that mean you're a woman, Dad? You're in the kitchen."

I answered, "Yeah, I am. Can't you see my gigantic boobs?"

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Got a foul mouth that she never heard

Yesterday my roommate and I were getting ready to watch a movie, but decided that first we needed to go to the store to get some snacks. I settled on an ice cream sandwich and some Grape Vines. I handed him some money and told him just to pay for everything.

Cashier: Will that be everything for you?

Roommate: Yeah.

Cashier: Who's getting the Grape Vines? Those things are delicious.

Me: We're going to fight over them.

Cashier (looking at me): I have faith in you.

Me (to my roommate): Did you hear that? She just called you a pussy.

Cashier (shocked): No, I didn't say that.

Me: Her words, dude. Not mine.

Cashier: . . .

Friday, April 15, 2011

I think the thing you said was true, I'm gonna die alone and sad

The other day I was sitting in my lab, printing some papers off, when I looked down and saw a couple of handwritten pages sitting next to the computer. It turns out, someone had dropped a few pages out of their journal, and one of the professors I work with had picked them up and saved them in case the student came back looking for them.

Of course I read them. Not only that, I photocopied them. For blogging purposes. Yeah, I know I'm going to Hell.

It's sad to actually see in words the pressure the young people around here are under to get married.

Without further ado, here it is (with his spelling, grammar, etc.):

I went on a date with a really nice girl named Britt because she seemed to be interested in me. Well, I took her on the date, and I was right. But I just didn't feel the same way. I'm trying to give girls who are interested in me a chance, but what if I'm just not really interested? I hate dating! Can anyone ever be happy? Can two people ever truely fall in love with each other? It seems so hard here!

I've tried to be less shallow, but it hasn't been very satisfieing. I don't know, when I read about my eternal companion in my patriarchal blessing it seems lack the luster those words once held. Now I feel as if these words are just describing an average ordinary girl, not the super extradinary girl I thought it was talking about. I worry about my family to, and have this crushing feeling that it's just not going to be what I dreamed of.

These things and many others are frustrating to me, but I've just got to have faith and keep on keeping on. It'll all work out in the end, I'm sure.


Obviously this kid is Mormon. I wish I could find him, shake him, and tell him never to settle for "just an ordinary girl" but to wait until he does find the super extraordinary girl he's hoping to marry someday. There are worse things than a lifetime of being single. Like a lifetime of being married to an ordinary girl.

I can't think of what comedian said this offhand (and a quick Google search only brought up a bunch of religious web sites about marriage), but I love the quote. It goes something like this, "Single people are faced with two things: loneliness and freedom. But when they figure out how much fun they're having being free, they can forget about how lonely they are."

I hope this kid finds the superextraordinary girl he's looking for.

Friday, April 08, 2011

Yes it's creepy, I told you I was freaky

Reason #327 why my siblings shouldn't allow me to interact with their children can be observed in the following text conversation with my niece:

Saturday, April 02, 2011

Little bird hoppin' on my porch

In case you missed it, Conan O'Brien is a genius.