Saturday, February 27, 2010

So how you wanna kick it? Gonna kick it root down.

Are you as surprised as I am that not one student this week made an inappropriate comment about this root tip model?

Root tip indeed.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

I am not your broom

I overheard a conversation about the Olympics yesterday.

Woman: Of all the sports, why is curling divided into men's and women's? Doesn't that seem like one they could have be co-ed? There's no advantage to being big and strong.

Man: Well, they use those brooms to sweep the ice, don't they?

Woman: Yeah, but I don't think strength gives men much advantage there.

Man: No, the advantage goes the other way because women have so much more experience using a broom. That's all.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Free like a bird, yet I don't fly much

Friend: Come on, [Husband] and I are ready. Let's go.

Me: I'm not ready to go yet.

Friend: Alright, I see you checking out that girl's cleavage, Dr. Douche.

Me: I'm Dr. Do Whatever I Want.

Friend: So why don't you go over there and talk to her?

Me: Yeah, that's not happening.

Friend: Well, until you do that, you're Dr. Douche.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Dig him up and shake his hand, appreciate the man

A little over a week ago I went to Chipotle with a friend of mine for lunch. We ordered our food, and as we went to sit at a table, a Korean guy walked up to my friend, looked at him for a second, and said, "Where you been, Mothaaaafuckaaaaa?"

Turned out he was the sushi chef at the place my friend always used to go with his ex-girlfriend. My friend introduced us, then they sat and talked for about five minutes. The sushi chef invited him to come back to the restaurant.

"I miss you. All of us miss you. You come back next week, okay?"

My friend said, "Okay. I'll come by next Thursday."

On Wednesday my friend texted me: What time are you done teaching?

I don't know, probably around eight, why?

We should go get sushi. It'll be my treat.

Okay. I can't turn an offer like that down. But don't expect me to put out later.

Alright, I won't. Let me know when you're done, and I'll meet you there.

Sounds good.

The reception my friend got at the sushi restaurant was like nothing I've ever seen before. The hostess saw him first (obviously) and said, "What happened? I know! You two broke up! Good to see you again!"

Then the sushi chef saw him and yelled out, "HEY!!! Look who it is! But today's not Thursday. I woke up today and was so sad that I had to wait another day to see you, but here you are. Good to see you!"

I kid you not, every single person who worked there came up to him that night to welcome him back and tell him how much they missed him. Even the owner. We got free sushi. My friend got free sake. You'd think he was some sort of a celebrity. I guess he and his girlfriend went there a LOT. It was a very surreal experience. We even tried two rolls that my friend had "created" with the sushi chef. They were delicious.

A few of the employees apologized for not recognizing him sooner, but said it was because he was there with me instead of his ex. Every single one of them had to talk about her, and how they'd seen her since, but not him, and how they liked him better.

The next day he asked me what I thought about the place while we were eating lunch.

"Well, apparently you're a friendly son-of-a-bitch away from campus. Everybody loves you there."

"I must be. It was good to see all those guys again. I'll need to go back on a semi-regular basis."

"Yeah, you should. Let me know. I'll go back. [The chef] was out of control, but it was fun. I still can't get over how much everyone there seemed to love you."

"That was nice. It was funny who even the ones who didn't recognize me at first came over to talk."

"They just didn't recognize you because you weren't there with . . . some bitch." (I forgot that he doesn't like to use the names of ex-girlfriends until I was almost through the sentence.)

My friend eyed the table next to us (which happened to be full of women) nervously. "Could you say that a little louder?"

"What? If I say it with a smile on my face it's not derogatory."

Friday, February 19, 2010

Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort

A little while ago Togers updated his facebook status: What would you do if I joined a gang? Became Straight Edge? Joined a band? Got five inch gauges? These are all very important questions.

Being the good father that I am, I commented that I would kick his butt if he did any of those other than join a band.

Then he asked, "What if it was a Straight Edge band?"

Then his mom chimed in:
Way to stick it to the man dumb butt. Why dont you start wearing a cross and saying hail marys too? Oh, I've got one! How about this? Maybe you should not worry bout living up to any kind of standard and just live your pathetic life? How about that? Or do you need to be a part of some kind of group to feel special? Oh. Ok, then I support you! :)

She followed that up with a second comment: And by pathetic I mean really, really, really pathetic :)

The next time I talked to Togers on the phone, I told him that I thought his mom's comments were hilarious. He did too. Then I said, "You should tell your mom to be careful though. We both know she was joking, but someone else could see that and think she was cyberbullying you. They prosecute people for that. Like that lady they tried for cyberbullying that girl who ended up killing herself. In fact, you know what you could do if you really wanted to get your mom in trouble? You could totally slit your wrists tonight and leave a note saying it was because of her comments."

He laughed and said, "Yeah. But I probably wouldn't even need to leave anything about cyberbullying in the note. I'm pretty sure I could ruin her day just by trying to kill myself."

"Yeah, you're probably right. It'd ruin my day too. So, as your father, let me go ahead and say this: If you kill yourself tonight I'm totally going to kick your butt."

Thursday, February 18, 2010

This door swings both ways

Girl: Are you teaching any classes other than this in the near future?

Me: Probably not.

Girl: That's too bad. Your lectures are good.

Me: How would you know?

Girl: I took your class last summer.

Me: You did? Why don't I remember you?

Girl: I don't know. I sat by [Girl 1] and [Girl 2]. I always sat on the left.

Me: I remember both of them. But I don't remember you. You must've been quiet.

Girl: Of course I was quiet. It's not like I'm going to interrupt lecture.

Me: Well, a lot of times people come up before or after and ask me things. You never asked me any questions.

Girl: I never had any.

Me: Well, that's probably why I don't remember you*.

Girl: That's okay. I forgot your name.

*Which is really weird, because she's hot.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

One for each other and all for one, the three brave amigos are we

This is the clip that contains the saying I kept joking about using to answer questions from my committee members during my dissertation defense.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Turn around, turn around, there's a thing there that can be found, turn around, turn around, it's a human skull on the ground

I was walking in one of the buildings on campus the other day when I saw a professor from my department carrying a small skull.

Me: Dude*, what's going on?

Him: Just trying to get a little head**.

*Got to show the proper levels of respect.

**As you can see, I'm not the only one who likes to keep it classy around here.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

There weren't no chocolates, no pretty flowers

Last night my friends and I went to try out a new restaurant, Herbs & Rye. The food was fantastic. The overall feel was like a step back to the time of Prohibition. If you live in Las Vegas, or are in town for a visit, I'd highly recommend it. But since I'm not a food critic, that's not the real point of the post.

After dinner, my friends wanted to go sit at the bar for a drink (apparently this place makes amazing cocktails - I can't say for certain since I don't drink, but I can say that they looked like they'd be good). Everything was freshly made, and they had unique glasses for each individual drink. The owner and bartender take their spirits seriously. It was really cool to watch them work. But again, I digress.

There were a few attractive girls sitting by us, and the owner of the place asked one of them (the one I thought was the prettiest) if she had any plans for Valentine's Day.

"Well, let's see, I'm going to wake up and rub one out, drink a bottle of wine, then go to work drunk and see if I can get fired from my job."

The owner looked at me and said, "Did you hear what she just said?"

"Yeah, I heard." Then I smiled at her.

She smiled back at me and said, "Now don't be jealous."

"I have to admit, I am a little jealous. Sounds like it'll be better than my Valentine's Day."

Friday, February 12, 2010

Big girls, they don't cry-y-y

And while I've just resorted to showing YouTube clips here in The Shallows, check this one out (thanks Daisy):

While we're on the subject of fat girls, I'm just going to go ahead and call 'not it.'

Thursday, February 11, 2010

He was a skater boy

Mr M showcasing his mad skateboarding skillz

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Coming down from my siamese dream

The first week of classes this semester:

Me: I have two sets of identical twins in the same class section. What are the odds of that?

Friend: Are they two sets of hot Japanese girls?

Me: Um. No.

Friend: Well then are they siamese hermaphrodites ready to fulfill your wildest fantasies?

Me: It appears that your wildest fantasies are much different than mine.

Friend: Perhaps.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

And I believe there's a way to describe the silence as sound

Today I accidentally hit the 'notes' button on my ipod touch, and saw a few notes my kids wrote while we were en route to my grandmother's funeral in December.

Like this one from Tortellini:

Hi Dad you suck. Just saying. I hope you never get this because you're such a butt face. And I can't believe I have to sit here next to you on this ten hour road trip. You suck, you suck, you suck. Even [Togers] and [Mr M] think so but they won't say anything because they're too chicken. Also, they don't have the itouch. Because I am cool so I get to choose the music. And you're not cool, because you're a loser. And now we're listening to "Know Your Enemy" by Rage Against The Machine. Do you want to know why I chose this song? Because I know my enemy, and it's you. So shut up. Oh yeah, and the real reason [Mr M] has to pee every ten minutes is because I'm giving him super pee drinks. Bye.

And this one from Togers:

Hi Dad, it's [Togers]. I just thought I'd let you know that you are a butt. Not a butthead, a butt, because butts don't have heads. And just by the way, you aren't fooling anyone, we all know that you are a dinosaur. If I had a dog that was as ugly as you I'd shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards. So shut up you buttface. Go poop your pants or something.

But this one was my favorite:


Bahahaha I know I scared you ;)

I miss my little brats.

Friday, February 05, 2010

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

I hate you, talking to myself, everybody's staring at me

Those of you who are on facebook know that just about everybody has been posting pictures of their celebrity doppelgangers. Mine was a no brainer.

But hands down, the one that caught me the most off guard was posted by one of my friends (who happens to be white).

That picture is wrong on so many levels. I shouldn't have laughed, but I did.

Monday, February 01, 2010

I need a mother, I'm sorry but it's true

Last Friday one of my friends asked if I was going to go to a departmental party. I told him that I wasn't because I'd forgotten about it, and had already told some people I'd meet up with them.

Friend: Oh really? Who?

Me: Your mom. We're going to hook up later.

Friend: You obviously haven't seen my mom. I'll show you some pictures and we'll put an end to this business right now.

Me: Maybe, but she'd be fine after a few drinks.

Later in the evening, once the departmental party was winding down, he texted my other friend to see if we were still out.

Text 1: Who's there?

Text 2 (a few seconds later): Not my mom.

My friend's text back: Your sister and your wife.

He showed up a few minutes later:

Friend 1: Where's everybody at? I was expecting a family reunion.

Me: They just left.

Friend 2: They needed to go clean up.

Friend 1: I hate you guys.

A few minutes later, Friend 2 leaned over and whispered to me, "I changed your name in the contacts list in my phone. Now it says [Friend 1]'s Mom. Text me something foul."

So I did.

He showed it to Friend 1.

The look on his face was priceless.