Monday, March 31, 2008

People always told me that bars are dark and lonely

I'm revising a draft of a manuscript that I'm preparing to submit for publication. Today as I was doing so, I completely lost any writing skills that I once possessed, and wrote a sentence, but couldn't quite figure out why it didn't look right. So, I IM'ed my friend for help.

Me: Question: Are you not supposed to start a sentence with 'Although'?

Friend: ummm, probably not.

Me: I just had to break up a run-on sentence. I started the second one with 'However' instead.

Friend: That works.

Me: Works for me. Although, what do I know?

Friend: lol

A little while later:
Friend: I wanna go to the bar later!

Me: Although, do we have time?

Me: Although, the bar does sound kind of fun

Friend: um....STOP THAT

Me: Although, no!

Me: Although, I'm just going to start every sentence like that, whether it applies or not.

Friend: Well, then later you can say "although I don't know why, [Friend] still shoved a barstool up my ass"

Me: Although, I don't want you to shove a bar stool up my ass

Friend: Well, take matters to prevent it.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Ain't enough bullets in this here gun

I hereby declare that all companies need to run any ideas for what to put on the packaging of their product by me before they go through with it. For a modest sum, I'll be sure to alert them of anything that could be taken a different way than the "cool" way they're shooting for.

Case in point: Take a look at these pictures I took while I was shopping yesterday.

Seriously Remington, you shouldn't make it this easy.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

I'm not a real doctor but I am a real worm I am an actual worm

This week my students got to dissect for the first time this semester. Everything they've learned up to this point is about plants, so even though they break stuff apart to look at it, it's not the same as slicing a scalpel blade through some animal tissue. That, my friends, is a good time. The students finally get excited to be in lab when we get to this point of the semester, and that makes teaching them easier. However, that doesn't mean I don't say things that are probably too inappropriate. Here's an excerpt from teaching this week:

You guys are also going to be dissecting an earthworm. We don't have preserved specimens, so you're going to have to kill your own. When you're ready to do that, grab one out of that styrofoam container, place it in the dish of ethanol, and leave it for a few minutes. If you're squeamish and don't want to do it yourself, find someone in your lab group who doesn't mind and have them do it. If none of you want to, I'll do it for you. I don't mind killing things. After you place it in the ethanol it takes a few minutes for it to die, and you may want to turn your back so you don't have to watch it squirm. Also, make sure you leave it in there long enough that it actually dies, which will be a few minutes longer than it takes for it to stop squirming. If you take it out sooner, cut it open, and then it starts squirming again, you're going to feel really bad. I suggest that you put it in there, and then go do something else for a few minutes. If you stay and watch it die, and seem to be enjoying it too much, I may have to have someone follow you when you leave here just to make sure that you're not going down to the park to strangle homeless people.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

I want your fantasy, I want your energy

I'm too busy and too tired to tell you all the funny things that I have on my mind, so until that changes, you'll just have to settle for a little bit of German NDH-metal instead:

Rammstein: Ich Will

If you're not really into watching German metal-heads rob banks, here's a kinder, gentler version of the video:

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

For they have no treasure of their own

You may find this hard to believe, but not every conversation I have with my friends is about oral sex and/or boobs. Sometimes we talk about grown up things. Not very often, but sometimes. For instance, the past few days the sad state of our economy seems to be coming up a lot. It was bad enough when the Canadian dollar finally caught up (and then surpassed) the US dollar. But, did you know that the dollar is even losing ground to the rupee now? The rupee! That's not even real money. That's video game money. (All you have to do to get a rupee is lift a rock, break a pot, cut some long grass, kill a sand crab, etc.)

Then there's the collapse of the housing market. Thanks to the shady practices of lenders (and the failure of a lot of borrowers to read the fine print), that's a problem that has no end in sight. One of my friends pointed out that there should have been more government oversight through all this. Particularly when all the companies who believe in a free market economy when they're making profits feel the government ought to step in when they're in the red (here's looking at you Bear Stearns and Delta Airlines). Even FDIC officials are bankers, so they're not really going to change anything with the way banks are operating.

Friend 1: There was quite a vicious article about all this stuff in one of the Swiss newspapers.
Me: Puh-lease. What do the Swiss know about banking?
Friend 2: Or being vicious for that matter?

What? You can't expect me to keep it serious for too long, can you?

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same

It's time for me to reconsider my stance on sushi. I've always sworn I couldn't stand to eat the stuff. I gave sushi a chance, but when I still didn't like it after my third attempt at eating it, I figured it was because it really was gross. Ever since then, I've just been sticking with California and/or veggie rolls when I go with friends to a sushi place.

Several of my friends have been telling me for quite some time that the reason I don't like sushi is because I've never had good sushi, but I've remained skeptical. Until last Saturday. I told one of my friends that I'd go with him for an all you can eat sushi lunch. I figured I could try some of the "good" sushi, and if I still didn't like it, could fill up on stuff I knew I could handle. I told him to order two of what he'd normally get and I'd try it. If I didn't like it, he could finish it off. That turned out not to be a problem. I liked pretty much everything.

My friend asked me what I thought, so I told him.

"This lunch has made me reconsider my stance on sushi. It was pretty good. I guess you guys were right in saying that I didn't like it because I'd never tried good sushi. But, the first time I ever ate a salmon roll, it was all I could do to get it down without throwing up. I was determined to do it, but I was gagging the entire time."

He replied, "Well, it's a lot like the first time you sucked a dick. But then you got used to it after a while, and now you're making some money."

Monday, March 24, 2008

That was my ass you saw bouncing next to Ludacris

Text messaging never gets old:

From: [C. C.]
Received: Mar 22, 08 11:23 a.m.
Even the girls on the Playboy channel on Sirius said liberry :-)

From: [Native Minnow]
Sent: Mar 22, 08 11:32 a.m.
Really? Who'd have thought the girls on Playboy were stupid?

From: [C. C.]
Received: Mar 22, 08 11:39 a.m.
I'm 'udderly' surprised myself

Sunday, March 23, 2008

I kill you all with a six barrel shotgun, I kill you all but I need you so

Here are a few of the things my youngest son has said over the past few days. Some is Easter related, some isn't:

Mr. M.: Dad, the Easter Bunny came last night.
Me: He did? What did he bring?
Mr. M.: He brought lots of stuff.
Me: Like what? Did he bring eggs?
Mr. M.: Yeah.
Me: Did he bring candy?
Mr. M.: Yeah.
Me: Did he bring guns?
Mr. M.: No! The Easter Bunny doesn't bring guns.
Me: Ok. Just checking.
Togers: Besides, [Mr. M.] already has enough guns.
Mr. M.: No I don't!


Mr. M.: Mom, the Easter Bunny isn't a bunny. It's a guy in a bunny suit. And he doesn't walk, he just drives or flies to everyone's house to leave candy for kids.


Mr. M.: Mom, I'm gonna learn Spanish so I can go to China.
Ex-Wife: Except in China they speak Chinese.
Mr. M.: No Mom, they speak Spanish.


Mr. M. doesn't like to eat fish, so the other night when my ex-wife fixed some for dinner, she lied and told him it was chicken so that he'd eat it.

Mr. M.: Mom, my chicken tastes like fish. I think it's because they have a machine that they put fish in and turn it into chicken.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Neither one of us is one of them

There's a new restaurant/bar in town that just opened on Sunday. My friends wanted to try it out because they have 160 beers on tap, including one friend's favorite beer in the world, which, until recently, he could only get if he was close to Missoula, MT. So, that's where we spent our Friday evening.

I arrived the same time as two of my other friends. They weren't entirely sure where the place was, so they followed me through the parking lot. It was rather full, but as I drove through one of the rows of cars I saw a parking space that was close. I waved at my friends so they would take it, then drove further down the row, parked, then caught up with them as they were getting out of their car.

Him: Why didn't you take that spot?
Me: Because I was going to go over there and get handicapped.
Her: But then he already was handicapped, so he didn't need to.

As we walked up to the door, my friend ran ahead and opened the door for some women, and then for us.

Me: I would have grabbed the door, but I'm gimpy. I probably shouldn't even be out.
Her: It's okay, I'm frumpy. Hey! Gimpy and Frumpy: We're the other two dwarves.

Friday, March 21, 2008

We are brash, we all fall down, we take out our brains and shake 'em all around

My ex-wife called yesterday to tell me about Mr. M.'s take on pre-school based on a conversation they had.

Her: [Mr. M.], you have to use a can opener if you want to open that can of pineapple.
Mr. M.: I know that, Mom. My teacher told me that. She teaches me everything she knows.
Her: Good!
Mr. M.: Yeah. But she never wants to talk about what I want to talk about, only what she wants to talk about.
Her: What do you want to talk about?
Mr. M.: Fighting and guns and stuff.

Should I be worried?

Thursday, March 20, 2008

I wanna be where nothing needs to matter

What good is having a blog if one can't periodically use his/her readership to settle disputes? I say no good at all. So, I'm turning to you, dear readers. Today you get to tell me who is right, and who is wrong.

Person 1 thinks that there's a double standard when it comes to going into restrooms of the opposite sex. Women can pull it off. Men can't. Any woman who goes into a men's room might make any men in there uneasy, but it makes for a good story for them to tell. Conversely, any man who goes into a women's room is automatically considered a creep, and runs the risk of being arrested.

Person 2 doesn't think a man would be arrested if he went into a women's restroom.

Who is right?

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

And they'd say relax, but I can't be a man this far down the map

Tortellini got in trouble at school for ditching class a few days ago. I immediately assumed it was because she was doing something with her friends, but it turned out she was in the bathroom fighting the urge to vomit and her teacher got mad that she was gone for twenty minutes. I'm sure she was probably gone longer than she needed to be, but it seems like the teacher may have overreacted. We talked to her about how if she really was sick she should have called home, and sided with the teacher even though we maybe shouldn't have. It's a struggle getting kids to respect authority. She had to go to detention, and she's grounded from the phone and computer (gasp - no myspace!) for the rest of the week (a little harsh maybe, but she'd be getting a little more slack if her grades were higher). Anyway, dealing with stuff like this is one reason I'm glad I'm not a junior high school teacher.

Or a high school teacher for that matter.

For some reason, I was reminded of the time my English teacher overreacted to something I said in class my junior year. The lesson was on oxymorons, and the teacher was calling on students to give examples. Various students gave the most obvious answers, "Half empty", "Tough love", "Bittersweet", etc. Then she got to me.

"Chicken Fried Steak."

She got mad at me for not taking things seriously. She said something to me that happened to be the catch phrase of a guy everybody called 'Beef' so I muttered, "Good one, Beef." Of course, I muttered it loudly enough for my friends to hear, which also happened to be a bit too loud. She heard me and freaked out.


There was really no way to deny it, even though I wasn't calling her that for the reason she thought I was, so I just shrugged. Needless to say, I was in trouble. Not enough trouble that they called my parents, but I did have to do extra assignments as punishment. (Which, now that I think of it, hardly seems fair. Make me clean chalkboards, or erasers, or scrape gum off the desks, sure, but making my grade dependent on extra work? Hmmmm.)

So, after remembering that, I now feel guilty for punishing Tortellini for a teacher's overreaction. (Not that I'll let Tortellini know that.)

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Was it more than attraction or physical lust?

Friend 1: My trainer is cute. I think you'd like her.

Me: And?

Friend 1: And I'm working out with her tomorrow at 3 p.m.

Me: But I can't work out.

Friend 1: You can't work out your eyeballs?

Me: What? Am I just supposed to go over there and watch the two* of you?

Friend 1: You can ogle. Her, not me.

Me: Well, I could. I'm pretty good at doing that.

Friend 2: [Minnow], you're getting creepier** and creepier.

Me: That's not true. I've always been creepy.

Friend 1: He was born a dirty old man.

*Friend 1 is female, just to be clear.

**This came shortly after another conversation in which I said I didn't want to go to the pool with Friend 2 unless I was going to be able to look at girls in bikinis, or rather, their boobies.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Scream as loud as you can

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I celebrated a day early by going to see some Irish bands play at The Joint. We saw four bands: The Wild Celts, Brother, The Fenians, and Young Dubliners. (The latter being the primary reason for purchasing tickets.) All the music was pretty good, but, as expected, Young Dubs blew the other bands out of the water. They got me to shake my booty-ass(even though I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to be dancing, but surprisingly, I'm not sore today). At one point a woman came over to stand by us and said she wanted to be with the fun people. Apparently we were the only group that was getting into it (Vegas crowds suck). My friend (who was drunk) just looked at her and said, "This is where shit happens!" I think he was right.

Never heard of Young Dubs? Well, here's a video of them performing What do you want from me?

If you like that, or if you happen to be looking for some good St. Patty's Day music, here are a few select Young Dubs' tunes* for your listening pleasure.

*These files will only be up for 100 downloads, or one week, whichever comes first, so act fast.

Friday, March 14, 2008

No more floozies only high class hoes

Reasons why I'm thinking of becoming a high end prostitute:

- There's a lot of money involved.
- I need money.
- I can be discrete when necessary.
- It is prestigious to have sex with celebrities.
- Rich guys would buy me stuff (e.g., jewelry, nice hotels, fancy dinners, etc.).

Reasons why it probably wouldn't work out:

- I'm not female.
- I'm not hot.
- I don't have a "purdy" mouth.
- My butthole doesn't fit all sizes.
- I wouldn't swallow.
- STDs.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

I look around the world and see that only stupid people are breeding

I am an arrogant bastard*. I tend to think of myself as smarter than most people. While there are those who would argue that this is hardly true, it's true in my mind, and that's all that matters to me. As is the case with most arrogant bastards, I have a bunch of indicators that allow me to know how much smarter I am than everyone else. Some of these are obvious, some less so. The list of indicators is long, and I won't go into all of them here, but I thought I'd share some of the most obvious ones.

I am smarter than you . . .

. . . if you spell the word definitely wrong (e.g., definately).

. . . if you misuse words in your writing (e.g., waste instead of waist).

. . . if you think to, too and two are interchangeable (same thing goes for there, their and they're).

. . . if you write that you "must of" done something wrong (instead of must have).

. . . if you use the following substitutions in your emails**: da instead of the, 2 instead of to, u instead of you, etc.

. . . if you say "liberry"*** instead of library.

Maybe I should have been an English teacher.

Also, whether it's fair or not, I apply a double standard****. I am much more likely to let some of these slide if you're someone that I like as opposed to someone I don't, or if you're a friend or casual acquaintance instead of someone I'm in a relationship with. I haven't kept it a secret that I'm a shallow person. A woman has to be attractive to pique my interest, but believe it or not, good looks alone aren't enough to keep me interested. That's where sense of humor and intellect come in.

*Anyone who doesn't believe me should go talk to my ex-wife. She'll tell you the same.

**It's one thing to do it in text messages, and another if you do it in emails. If you use them in text messages I'll only be mildly annoyed, but can understand if you think it saves you that much effort (even though it doesn't).


****Especially if I'm the one that makes the mistake, in which case I'm still smarter than you.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I know it's not mine but I'll see if I can use it for a weekend or a one night stand

Me: I got tickets to the Mountain West tournament.

Rural Murder: Cool. That should be fun.

Me: Yeah, but I have to give away my Thursday night ticket because I'll be teaching during that game.

Rural Murder: Too bad.

Me: But I still get to see both games on Friday, and the men's and women's finals on Saturday. Although, I haven't decided if I'll go to the women's championship game.

Rural Murder: That's because you're misogynistic.

Me: Yeah. You know me. I hate women. The only time I love them is when my penis is in their vagina.

Rural Murder: Classy!

Me: I know!!!

Well you can't see the stars in the city no, though the hospital lights sure are pretty yeah

Nurse: Do you have diabetes?
Me: No.
Nurse: Any history of heart disease?
Me: No.
Nurse: Renal failure?
Me: No.
Nurse: Incontinence?
Me: No.
Nurse: Any new rashes?
Me: No.
Nurse: Vision problems?
Me: No.
Nurse: Are you on any medications? Blood thinners? Anti-inflammatories?
Me: Nope. None of those.
Nurse: Good.
Me: Wow. That list makes me sound like I'm a healthy person or something.
Nurse: You are healthy. That's good. Now all I have to do is put in the needle for your I.V. and we'll be ready to take you back.
Me: Sounds good.

Nurse: You have nice veins.
Me: Yeah, I get told that a lot.
Nurse: Are you afraid of needles?
Me: It's not my favorite thing in the world to get stuck by one, but I can handle it o.k. Although, let's just say I wouldn't make a very good junkie.

All things considered, I was very at ease with getting another epidural injection for my back. The only part that gave me pause was when I was wheeled into the room for the procedure only to hear my doctor and one of his technicians talking about playing Dungeons and Dragons. They didn't turn me into a Wood Elf or a Left Handed Axe Wielding Dwarf though. Plus, I can walk better than I have in weeks, and I can bend my leg and back further than I've been able to since November, so I'll consider it a success for now.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Gray matter, gray matter, whoa oh oh oh

Lately a lot of people have been commenting on how gray my hair is going.

I prefer to think of it as gaining natural highlights.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

That gum you like is back in style

Friend: Can I have a piece of gum?

Me: Sure. What flavor would you like?

Friend: Whichever flavor is less gay.

Me: Um. You might be out of luck there.

Friend: Why? What are my choices?

Me: Citrus mint or raspberry mint.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Unskinny bop just blows me away

Me: I'm telling you, the updated operating system screwed up your stuff.
Friend 1: You can barely even use a computer, and you're talking to me about how to do it?
Friend 2: You don't know how to use a computer?
Me: I know how to use a computer. Do you?
Friend 2: No. I just use it for porn.
Me: What kind of porn? Bestiality porn? Midget porn?
Friend 2: Pregnant lady porn.
Me: How about pregnant midget porn?
Friend 2: I might have to look into that.
Me: Have you ever seen a pregnant midget?
Friend 2: No.
Me: I don't think I have either. I wonder what would happen if a regular sized guy got a midget woman pregnant.
Friend 2: It'd probably be just like in Alien and come out the middle of her stomach. There'd be no more room in the uterus.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again

Last night I was talking with someone who is going through a divorce. While I don't really know many of the details of hers, our conversation reminded me of a lot of the details of mine. I'm not going to revisit those, but it did remind me of what became my theme song during that time. Here are the lyrics (as best as I can tell):

Scolding Wife by Great Big Sea
Well I came into a scolding wife a few short years ago
And ever since I lead a life of misery and woe
My wife she is a tyrant around the room and in
And she'd sell me to the devil for a glass or two of gin

Sure I'll get up and go to work as mild as any man
And she'll get up and dress herself and go and have her dram
And if I chance to say a word it's well I know my doom
She'll follow me with the fire shovel up and down the room

And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again
And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
Oh, I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again

When I get up at breakfast time she'll tap me on the head
When I come home at dinner time I'll find her drunk in bed
When I come home at supper time with patience I must stop
'Cause she drinks what's in the teapot and I must drink the slops

And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again
And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
Oh, I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again

Well once I asked my scolding wife if I could go to bed
She scarce gave me an hour on the pillow to lay me head
When like a roaring lion she came bustin' down the door
She caught me by the middle and threw me naked on the floor

And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again
And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
Oh, I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again

Now me and my companions go to a public place
She'll search around the neighborhood until she finds my face
She'll hoist me up in ridicule before the company
Saying petticoats is your master and forevermore shall be

And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again
And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
Oh, I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again

And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again
And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
Oh, I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again

And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again
And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
Oh, I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again

And if the devil would take her
I'd thank him for his pain
I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again
And if the devil would take her
(fades out)

Sadly, there's not a great video of it on YouTube, so this is the best of what I had to choose from:

I missed a chance to see these guys play in L.A. about two years ago. Some of my friends went, but I didn't because I would have had to drive all night and then teach the next morning on no sleep. Looking back, I wish I would have gone.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

We drove out to the desert just to lie down beneath this bowl of stars

Professor: When you walked in and I saw your shoes I thought you were wearing fake Doc Martens.
Me: No, that light color's just dirt.
Professor: Where have you been playing in the dirt?
Me: When I was in Utah I took my kids to the shooting range, but it was quite muddy and I wasn't able to clean it off. This is the first time I've worn them since then.
Professor: You took your kids to the shooting range huh? You got two of 'em, right?
Me: Yeah, we got two of 'em. The third one got away. Mr. M. is hiding somewhere out in the desert.

I dont' think we need to worry about him coming back to turn us in though. He's probably succumbed to the elements already, but if not, he was dressed like a homeless child, so if anyone comes across him they'll think he's begging and refuse to offer help.

Monday, March 03, 2008

While we're on the subject can we change the subject now?

I didn't want the women who are complete idiots to feel left out by not getting dating advice, so I've compiled a list of things not to do when you're with a man.

Native Minnow's Dating Advice (Part Deux)
When you're with a man you should never . . .
. . . play with your boobs.
. . . play with the obese man on the train's* boobs.
. . . wax your ass.
. . . remove stains from your unmentionables.
. . . pumice your callouses.
. . . get liposuction.
. . . watch porn of your ex-boyfriend.
. . . punch your baby.
. . . talk about the restraining order you had to get for your ex.
. . . brandish a knife.
. . . cut on yourself.
. . . attempt to murder someone.
. . . consume afterbirth.
. . . insert yogurt filled tampons to get rid of your yeast infection.
. . . freeze off your genital warts.
. . . whip your dick out.

*Or on the bus.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Well I'm standing alone at the corner, I've got nothin' but you on my mind

It should come as no surprise that I'm a procrastinator. Yesterday when I was putting off going to the lab to do some work I came across an article on MSN that listed things you should never do in front of a woman. I was curious to see how many of those things I did so I clicked the link. You'll be happy to know that there was only one thing on the list that I do (forget to carry cash). However, don't be fooled into thinking that was because I know what I'm doing when it comes to women. Rather, it's because the list was full of incredibly stupid things.

I read the list and thought, "Are you serious? You're telling me I shouldn't polish my high school trophies (that are still on display), or play Wii, or go on and on about how my mother is my best friend? Really? Thanks MSN. You've been so helpful!"

Then it occurred to me that while everything that was listed should have been common sense, there might be guys out there who don't realize any of that stuff could (and should) send a girl running. Sure, those guys are complete idiots, but complete idiots need love too. So, to help the complete idiots out, I've come up with my own list of things you should never do in front of a woman. The things on this list should be common sense as well, but you never know.

Native Minnow's dating advice
When you're with a woman* you should never . . .
. . . do jumping jacks.
. . . apply hemorrhoid cream.
. . . shoot heroin.
. . . cook human flesh.
. . . choke a midget.
. . . watch bestiality porn.
. . . shave your balls.
. . . have sex with the neighborhood crack whore.
. . . kick a homeless man.
. . . spit on a retarded person.
. . . expose yourself to a small child.
. . . let the dog (or cat) lick peanut butter off your schlong.
. . . kidnap somebody**.
. . . direct a snuff film.
. . . shit your pants.

I hope the list helps.

*Unless you're married, in which case you no longer need to impress her, so feel free to do any of these.

**Or write a ransom note for someone you've already kidnapped.