Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Him: No wonder my phone was off, my battery was dead. It just died again while I was talking to her.
Me: Do you want to borrow mine so you can call her back?
Him: No, that's alright. It died, but she wasn't saying anything important anyway.
Me: They never are.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Anyway, in order to ease the boredom of living in DJ, sometimes I would end up doing stupid things. Like the time when I knocked up my girlfriend and got married. Or the time when I did this:
Sure there was a rock ledge about twenty feet below us, but if for some reason I would have slipped, and then missed the ledge, it would have only been about a 500 foot fall. Maybe you'll believe me now when I say it's a miracle that I survived to adulthood.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
I have a friend who works there, and we were at his house the night before. When we told him we were going to see the show the next day, he gave my son a tip on how to be chosen to go up on stage. Of course, my son took his advice and got to become part of the show. My son was on stage for about ten minutes, and enjoyed himself thoroughly. The show was fun to watch anyway, but it was even better to see how happy my son was to be a part of it all.
As we were at my friend's house the night before, we started joking about what kinds of things would happen if my son did get to go on stage.
Son: What if he cuts me in half?
Me: Then let me just say that it's been nice knowing you.
Son: Or what if he makes me disappear?
Me: Then I'd have to thank him.
Son: Maybe he'd make you disappear with me.
Me: Then I'd still be with you. How's that going to give me my freedom?
Son: It wouldn't, but if he made you disappear the world would be a better place.
The kid's getting pretty good at comebacks.
* I was just annoyed that I didn't think of it. It shows that I'm the out of touch parent.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
I came across it as I was going through some old photographs at my parents' house last weekend. Flieswithoutwings took it one day when we went to the river in order to try out my new (and very first) fly rod. I don't think we were successful in catching any fish that day, but at least we got a great picture out of the deal.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Me: Why yes, as a matter of fact, I heard something just the other day.
Friend: Well, it's true.
Me: You're gay?*
Friend: I guess I should have found out what the rumor was before I confirmed it, huh?**
* Not the actual rumor I heard.
** But now that it's been confirmed, it'll have to be the one I spread.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Honestly, this might be my 551st post, but I'm too lazy to count up all my saved drafts and subtract them from my total to find out exactly where I stand. That's right, I said saved drafts. That means that some of this mindless drivel has actually been thought about for more than twenty seconds. Hard to believe, I know.
And now, on to the list:
1. I was born on the highway
2. In the back seat of a car
3. My grandmother's car
4. I was delivered by my father
5. Under a streetlight along an on-ramp outside of Parowan, UT
6. The third streetlight to be exact
7. There's no monument there
9. The first thing I tasted when I came into this world was the grime on my dad's finger when he had to reach down my throat and pull something out in order for me to breathe
10. I've been trying to get the taste out ever since so I eat a lot of sweets
11. I prefer to eat cake in a bowl with milk poured over the top
12. My life pretty much revolves around fish
13. I study fish
14. I like to fish
15. But I only like to flyfish
16. Any other kind of fishing is too boring for me
17. I don't like to eat fish
18. Especially not sushi
19. I enjoy driving
20. But not when I'm hitting deer
21. I've hit five deer
22. I only killed two of them
23. One of those was a spotted fawn
24. After running over it, I dragged its body to the side of the road
25. My dad saw it there later, and correctly assumed that it was my doing
26. That was when I lived in the mountains
27. Everyone hit deer there
28. I've lived in Vegas nearly five years.
29. I still can't get used to seeing slot machines in gas stations
30. Or in grocery stores
31. Or seeing transvestites playing them at 3 a.m.
32. I cut my nails with the scissors on my Swiss Army knife key chain
33. When I don't trim my nails, I end up biting them
34. At least with my fingernails
35. Toenails? Not so much
36. I eat a lot of candy
37. I haven't been to a dentist since I moved to Vegas
38. The last two statements do not bode well for my dental health
39. I can't urinate in a crowded bathroom
40. I think it might have something to do with stage fright
41. That's also why I could never star in a porno
42. Well, that and the fact that I'd be done in less than two minutes
43. I'm pretty sure that nobody wants to watch a two minute porno
44. I've never seen a porno
45. Unless you count the stuff they were showing at the Of Montreal concert
46. You know, the gay porn
47. But I didn't exactly watch that
48. I just averted my eyes until it was safe to look toward the stage again
49. I want to get a pilot's license
50. I tell everyone I'm 6' 4"
51. I'm really only 6' 3 3/4"
52. I snore
53. I also talk in my sleep
54. Or so I've been told
55. I've been too busy snoring and talking in my sleep to notice
So there you go. You now know 55 more things about me than you needed, or wanted, to.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Me: Really? Why?
Friend 1: Well, it's not because he did anything in particular. It's not like he did anything to hurt [Friend 2], or that [Friend 2] even cares at all about him. It's just the principle that the guy's a douchebag in general.
Me: That sounds like good enough reason to me.
Friend 1: I know, but when I said this to [Friend 2], he didn't want to. He said he's not really into violence.
Friend 2: Only when it's against women . . . and minorities.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
My daughter: . . .
Me: I know she is. I've been thinking about poking her eyes out so that she can't see all the boys that are going to be chasing after her and fall in love with them.
Grandma: Well, if you do that then how's she supposed to be able to run away from them?
My grandmother is a wise woman!
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Friend 2: Of course!
Me: I think pretty much everybody that went to high school in the 90s did. It was a staple to the teenage dialect
Friend 1: I used it occasionally, but it was never fully inserted into my repertoire.
Friend 2: Is that your ass?
Friday, July 20, 2007
At any rate, given this moral obligation, you can imagine my delight when I received the following email from my daughter:
I never e-mailed you that list of the people i want you to burn the cd's for me!
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club [[all of them]]
and I THINK that's it, but if i remember, i'll tell ya.
I'd prefer it if Aerosmith wasn't on that list, but I guess you can't win them all***.
* If I don't do it, they're going to end up listening to all the crappy stuff that gets airtime (such as Kenny Chesney, 50 Cent and Fergie). Then, in twenty years, they're going to have to own up to the shame (and maybe even have to pay for therapy) when they realize how bad that music really is.
** The secret is that I don't keep any music that I don't like in my car, so I win no matter what.
*** Unless you conveniently "forget" to burn any Aerosmith and opt for the new They Might Be Giants album instead.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
As we finished our conversation my friend jokingly said, "Oh, and one more thing. If I should end up dead, you know who to send the police after. Also, feel free to look through my CDs at the house and take whatever you want."
Is it wrong to start secretly rooting for the ex-boyfriend? My friend does have a lot of good music.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
This rule applies to all the bars/restaurants in the Las Vegas area as well. You see, around here you'll see banners that read "Voted Best of Las Vegas" almost everywhere you go. Any businesses that have received the "award" place a banner somewhere to advertise that fact. However, there is never any mention of the year in which the "award" was given. Moreover, if you pay attention, almost every single bar and restaurant has such a banner. How is that possible? Is every business in town the best? I'm certain that some of them could only have received the award a decade or so ago**, like maybe when they were brand new, or when there were no competitors. At all. Yet here they still are, trying to capitalize on their one brief moment of glory. I'm sorry, but if you haven't been able to regain the title of "Best in Las Vegas" for the past ten years, you no longer get to advertise that you were voted "Best in Las Vegas." Period.
This new rule is effective immediately. Those who are found in non-compliance will be forced to pay a fine of $1000, which can be deposited directly into my bank account. Thank you in advance.
* like some kind of fatty half-life?
** or maybe even before there was a city here.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Q: What do George W. Bush and George H. W. Bush have in common?
A: Neither of them knows when to pull out.
Q: What is the difference between George W. Bush and E. coli?
A: E. coli has an exit strategy.
Q: Why is Laura Bush always on top when she and George have sex?
A: Because George can only fuck up.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Don't try to tell me that power can't corrupt a person, you haven't had enough to know what it's like
- Harry Potter awakens from a daydream and is pummeled mercilessly by schoolyard bullies for having imaginary friends and playing wizard every day during recess.
- Albus Dumbledore returns from the dead, only to be struck by lightening and killed instantly before he can triumphantly save the day.
- Police raid Gryffindor house and find the biggest meth lab in Britain. Neville Longbottom, the kingpin, gets sentenced to life in Azkaban.
- Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter fly to Massachussetts and get married. They honeymoon on Brokeback Mountain.
- Ron Weasley hands Harry over to the Death Eaters for thirty pieces of silver.
- Severus Snape reveals that he had a torrid love affair with Harry's mom. DNA testing proves that he is Harry's father.
- Harry defeats Voldemort, gets drunk with power, and becomes a tyrannical despot.
- Hermione Granger is introduced to heroin (giving new definition to the term mudblood), contracts HIV from sharing a needle, but dies from an overdose before developing AIDS.
- Harry, Ron and Hermione participate in a menage a trois. The resulting awkwardness causes them to never speak to each other again.
- Voldemort wins.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Friday, July 13, 2007
"Well, I took his summer [introductory biology course] and I don't know if I learned enough. This teacher isn't that good and he picks favors. Also he will give answers for the exam for some people he likes ( I mean he cheats to favor the people he likes). Avoid him. He is terrible. I got an A in his class, but the teacher sucks. He should be teaching high school kids."
I'm not exactly sure where the accusation of cheating "to favor the people I like" comes from. Maybe they meant to say that, when I can, I clarify exam questions for those who raise their hand with questions during a test. Or maybe they mean that I tell the people who actually attend lecture some things that are guaranteed to be on the exam, especially when it's something that's not in the text, just to make sure that they write it down and study it.
This was the first negative review of me that someone's posted on that site (there was one other, but that was posted by my roommate's son, so it doesn't count), but apparently this student wasn't the only one who felt this way, because someone else posted this comment later:
"AVOID THIS TEACHER. He cannot teach, his tests are hard and he picks favor. He thinks that he is the super hot guy, but I heard he got 5 kids. He is ugly and I don't think he is hot. I didn't learn anything from him. Horrible. AVOID HIM"
Oh yeah, my tests are hard. Hard enough to make people cry, haven't you heard? Nevermind the fact that the averages are usually exactly where they should be (if not higher than they should be), and that someone nearly always was able to score 100%. My favorite part is the middle though. Here, read it again:
"He thinks that he is the super hot guy, but I heard he got 5 kids. He is ugly and I don't think he is hot."
Hilarious! I don't think I'm "the super hot guy," because if I were, it stands to reason that I'd be getting a lot of ladies, right? Since that doesn't happen, I'm forced to face the cold reality that I am not "the super hot guy." However, even if I did think that, wouldn't the fact that I "got 5 kids" help prove it? After all, that would mean someone slept with me at least 5 times (well, maybe less than that if there were twins, triplets or quintuplets involved).
I also love how the second person just echoed the first person's sentiments, which really comes across as if they're saying, "Hi, I'm incapable of an original thought, so I'm just going to repeat what someone else has already said, complete with misspellings and poor grammar, and then add a personal attack because I'm mad that I got a bad* grade."
* Just making an assumption here since by this person's own admission, they didn't learn anything from me.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Almost as soon as I sat down at my desk my phone rang. It was one of my friends.
Him: Hey man, how are you doing?
Me: Not so great. I've been sick today.
Him: Really? What do you have?
Me: Nothing major. I think I just ate something that didn't agree with me last night.
Him: Was it semen?
Me (dryly): No.
Him: Oh, that's right. That agrees with you.
Me: You're such a dick. What do you want?
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
It shows that my dream about My Little Pony may not have been quite so far fetched. A link has been established.
I only scored a 4/12. I don't know if that means I don't play with enough toys meant for little girls, or I don't watch enough porn. Maybe it's a little of both.
*I'm stealing something else from Ver Girl here. Pretty soon, I'm going to just turn over the keys to this thing and let her start blogging in my place.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Top 10 signs that Optimus Prime is Jewish*
10. He stars in a Hollywood blockbuster.
9. Father was an armored car.
8. Manora appears on the dash every December.
7. Bag of gold stashed in the glove compartment.
6. High pitched airhorn.
5. Small gear-shift.
4. Curly smokestacks.
3. Yamulka sun roof.
2. Caught spinning a dradle with Megatron.
1. Missing a portion of his front bumper**.
* It's true. I heard a teenager say it at the pool last week.
** Ver Girl (2007).
Saturday, July 07, 2007
I don't know how it is at other universities, but it seems like there are a lot more people who retake classes here than there ought to be. I'd say at least a third of my students this semester were retaking it. That's definitely more than there were at the university where I got my BS and MS. To me it just seems like a huge waste of time. If you've retaken a class once, and received the same grade the second time around, you're probably just wasting your time by trying again, and again, and again. I know one thing, if it took me four or five tries to get through an introductory level course, I'd do one of two things: 1) Give up on whatever subject it was, and 2) shoot myself in the face with both barrels of a double barrel shotgun.
I related the conversation I had with this student to a couple of guys I work with. Partly because it baffles me so, and partly because I wanted to make fun of the student. Ok, mostly because I wanted to make fun of the student.
Guy 1: Did you ask her what she wants to do with her life?
Me: No, I don't care what she wants to do. It doesn't really matter because she's not going to be able to do it. No med school or grad school is going to take her.
Guy 2: True.
Me: I know I wouldn't if I was sitting on the admissions committee. I don't want someone that can get it right after four or five tries. I want someone who gets it right the first time.
Guy 1: Seriously, but you could have told her to start looking at other options. Maybe you were the one she needed to hear that from.
Me: What other options am I supposed to give her? Should I have told her she'd be better off selling crack at the park? Or maybe selling her body?
Guy 1: Maybe she should be a teacher.
Me: Yeah, because that's who I'd want educating our youth.
Guy 1: I'm serious. You don't have to be that smart for that. I'm not saying all teachers are dumb. After all, my wife's one, but there are certainly some dumb ones out there. In fact, some of the dumbest people I've met since I moved here are working on advanced degrees in the special education department.
Guy 2: Well, how smart do you have to be to teach a retard?
Friday, July 06, 2007
Why is it that such a large purchase is the only thing where you never quite know how much it's going to cost you until you're actually ready to sign off on the paperwork? If you go to the supermarket to purchase a loaf of bread, you know it's going to cost a certain amount of money. You pick out a loaf, take it to the check-out and pay the pre-determined price. Simple.
If buying bread were like buying a car, it would happen something like this:
Buyer: Yes, I'd like to buy this bread. How much is it?
Seller: How much would you like to spend?
Buyer: I'll give you $2.47 for it.
Seller: Hold on, let me see if I can do that.
*Seller walks into an office for a few minutes and then comes back*
Seller: I can let you have this loaf of bread for the low, low price of $3.89. That's a great deal.
Buyer: That's too much.
Seller: Well, hold on, let me see if I can come down from that at all.
*Seller walks away again, spends a few minutes in the office, and then comes back*
Seller: Ok, I've got a deal worked out where I can let you leave this supermarket with this loaf of bread, and you'll just have to pay 5 installments of $0.75.
Buyer: If I do that I'll end up paying $3.75. That's not much less than your other offer of $3.89. That's still too much.
Seller: Ok, I can let you have it for $3.09.
Buyer: You know what? I'm going to leave now. I'm sure I can find some bread somewhere else.
Seller: Wait, hold on. I feel we're getting close to a deal. What's it going to take for you to be able to go home tonight and make yourself a sandwich?
Buyer: It's going to take you giving me that loaf of bread for $2.47.
Seller: Ok, let me check with my boss. I'll be right back.
*Seller disappears again, probably to go look at porn for a few minutes, and then comes back*
Seller: You've got yourself a deal, $2.47 it is. Now, I'm just going to need you to fill out this paperwork.
Three hours later you're able to leave with your newly acquired loaf of bread.
Seriously, should anything have to be this complicated?
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Usually I try to go with the healthier choices on the menu, but since it was a holiday and all, I figured I'd get something different: a pulled pork sandwich.
Friend: Wow. That's not something you'd normally get.
Me: I know, but I saw someone with it the last time we came here and I thought it looked good.
Friend: It does look good, but it's not very healthy.
Me: Well, it is the 4th of July. I'm celebrating America by celebrating obesity.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
As I listened to the music the other night, I realized something that I'd never put much thought into before. The band released their first album, Bleach, in 1989. Cobain killed himself in 1994. While the band obviously formed before the release of their first album (1987, I think), they weren't together very long, yet, they had a tremendous influence on the music industry. They are credited with bringing the entire genre of alternative music to the forefront, and pushing the hair bands of the 80's off to the side. (Move over Poison, here comes something better.) That's quite an accomplishment for only being together for seven years.
It seems that Nirvana is not alone in that regard. There are other bands who weren't together very long, but also had a major impact on the industry. A little band called The Beatles comes to mind. The Beatles were together for ten years (1960-1970), and obviously changed rock and roll forever.
Another band from the same era as The Beatles played a smaller, but still significant, role in the evolution of rock music. The Doors were only together for six years (1965-1971) before Jim Morrison died. The band tried to go on for another year or two, but realized that there was just no replacing The Lizard King and gave up. Obviously both these bands have songs that anyone in the world who listens to music will recognize. That really says something.
A more obscure band (but one that I like a lot), Uncle Tupelo, was only together for seven years (1987-1994), but during that time launched an entire genre: Alternative country. How many bands can take credit for that sort of thing? The members of Uncle Tupelo went on to form Wilco (one of my favorite bands) and Son Volt (another good one), and still produce good music. In my opinion, these guys don't get their due, but as more people start to discover their music, they'll recognize it for what it is: Pure Genius.
I know that there are other bands that fit this category that I didn't mention. Bands that didn't stay together very long, but put out a lot of good music that many others have tried to emulate. I think that my friend Rural Murder would have been more qualified to write this post than me, simply because he knows an infinite amount more about music than I do, but he wasn't around, and I was. So there.
Monday, July 02, 2007
I didn't feel bad.
I actually found it kind of pathetic.
And laughed about it with several of my friends afterward.
The following day a professor from the department asked me about my class at a party.
Him: So how's the most well liked [introductory biology] instructor doing?
Me: I'm doing good. Although I'm not so sure I'm the 'most well liked' these days.
Him: Why not?
Me: Apparently I'm turning out to be just as mean as the rest of you. My exam yesterday made a girl cry.
Him: Just one? You've got a long way to go.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
When I was in Kindergarten, we would always form two lines to go to recess. I remember one day the lines were made up of those who had flown before, and those who hadn't. The ones who had flown got to leave the room first*. I didn't know the last part of the story then (the part where I'd flown on life flight on the very first day of my life). To think, had I known that, I could have made it to the playground about 30 seconds sooner that day.
I remember telling my mom about it when I got home from school that day. She told me the story then. I remember being upset that I could have been in the first line after all. Oh, missed opportunities.
* As if they weren't already privileged enough!