Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Rubbadub a tubfish

I dare you to find a song with more random lyrics than Fell Off The Floor Man by Deus. Here they are (near as I can tell), but watch the video and play along to see if you can find where I'm wrong.

Let's talk about philosophy, my philosophy
You've got to be your own, you've got to be your own dog
You know? You know what I'm talking about?
You're supposed to say yeah, it's like a James Brown thing

Got to go sniffing on your own turf
Be your own dog
Don't let nobody put a leash on you

Rubbadub a tub fish
Ping pong
Sneakin' in the dead zone
Sleepin' on a cat nap
Sing Song
Trimmin' off my nostril hair
An angel in a metal cake
Car crash
Rubbin' like a pussycat
Grid lock
A stone within my eyeball
Too too
Dancin' with my socks on
Oh man
Singing like a tomtit
Stop cab
Listen to the ?????
Tip top
Entering a smoky bar room
Hey dude
Smuggling a Wombat
Chewin' on a necktie
Tumbling in the margarine
Hidden in the ribbon grass
Too too
Acting like a baby
Head case

I don't need no thoughts in me
Don't you want to rescue me?
There's a little light below
Go there when I want to go

Wanna bite of bubblegum
Ping Pong
Tryin' to get the red shoes off
Lickin' on my ice cream cone
Surfing in the kitchen sink
Sipping on a Diet Coke
Hey Dude
Tangled in the inner crop
Tip top
Chaperone my scapegoat
Change a ten to fivers
Too too

Fell off the floor, fell off the floor man
Fell off the floor, fell off the floor man
Fell off the floor, fell off the floor man
Fell off the floor, fell off the floor man
Rita Hayworth
Fell off the floor, fell off the floor man
Rita Hayworth
Fell off the floor, fell off the floor man
Rita Hayworth
Fell off the floor, fell off the floor man
Rita Hayworth
Fell off the floor, fell off the floor man

Got a lot of stuff and the United Nations in there too

Go strap yourself to a Volkswagen in a weird harness
Don't try this at home
Goin' out to steal a ruby
Goin' out to steal a ruby
Lookin' like a radion
Love to do it in the dark
You know I've got a say on
(Goin' out to steal a ruby)
Fallin' off the dance floor
Succulent but sucked in
Always I'll be in for
Wanting to be tucked in
(Goin' out to steal a)
Fallin' off the same floor

[Soft muttering]

Monday, September 29, 2008

You can't go back and see it the way you saw it then, nobody can

You'd think that I would've had enough of the great outdoors with my mountain biking trip last weekend, but one of my friends is moving to Alaska on Friday and she wanted to hike to top of a nearby mountain. How can I say no to that?

Here are some of the pictures I took while on the trail.

Some fall colors:

On the forest floor:

Some gnarly roots:

Meadow on the ridgeline:

Dead wood:

Steep cliffs:

If there's one thing people have always been good at, it's leaving their garbage lying around:

The summit that we wouldn't make it to:

Because of this:

It wasn't so much the rain, but the thunder we were hearing that made us turn back. We didn't want to be the stupid hikers that got struck by lightning. It was probably for the best as I was so sore I could hardly get out of bed this morning. It was apparently too much for an old man like me to do in one day (we hiked ~15 miles with a 4000 foot increase in elevation). Still, it was totally worth it. Next time, I'll make it to the summit.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Baby come and spend some time with Mr. Wrong

It's been a while since I've come up with a good pick up line to pass on to you, but that doesn't mean I'm incapable of coming up with them. Take the other night for example when I came up with one that was good enough that my friend called our server over to have me see whether she'd go for it.

She came to our table, and he said, "He's got a line you need to hear, but let me give you the set-up first. A girl walked in a little while ago and she had a nice body, but then I saw her face and it left a lot to be desired. He just came up with a pick up line you can use in those cases. What do you think?"

She said, "Ok, let's hear it."

So I covered my eyes and said, "Baby, I don't even care what you look like, I just want to stick it in."

I implore you to go ahead and try it. Let me know how it works.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Love Bites

I drink water when I hang out with my friends. That stuff makes it's way through one's system pretty quickly. Tonight was no exception, so I found myself needing to go to the restroom several times. On one of my trips, the jukebox started playing Def Leppard.

I found myself standing at the urinal singing, "I don't want to touch you too much baby, but making love to you might drive me crazy."

Luckily the bathroom was empty.

Even so, I've never felt so gay in my entire life.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Junky Jews Sing The Blues

In the cabin last weekend:

Guy 1: You're really not a very good Jew, are you?

Guy 2: I'm not a Jew.

Guy 1: As I understand Judaism, if your mother is a Jew, that makes you a Jew.

Guy 2: One of my moms is a Jew. My mom's lesbian lover is a Jew. I don't carry her mitochondrial DNA, so I'm not Jewish.

They came to me for a decision. You know, because I am so very wise. Much like King Solomon.

Me: Are they married?

Guy 2: Yes. In the state of California.

Me: Do you call her Mom?

Guy 2: Yes.

Me: You're a Jew.

Guy 2: But I don't know the kosher way to kill a sheep. And I've never stood at the Weeping Wall.

Guy 1: It's the Wailing Wall, you jackass. You're a bad Jew.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I suppose I'd start by removing all my clothes

One of my friends is in school to become a nurse. She's beautiful, so basically the kind of nurse every guy wishes he'd get when going to the hospital but never does. She and I have a running joke that she can be my sugar mama when she finishes her degree and gets a job. Last time I talked to her the subject came up again.

Me: Just think, we could move into a house, and you could pay the mortgage and all the utilities.

Her: What would you pay for?

Me: Well, let's see. I could still cover my car payment.

Her: That's not very much.

Me: Maybe I could pay my auto insurance too.

Her: What else?*

Me: I guess I could also pay for condoms. And lube.

Her: Wait, doesn't a little bit of lube go a long way?

Me: That depends.

*She must've been struggling with the concept of what a sugar mama is/does.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I asked a toothless man who all these people were

Yesterday I went to the dentist for the first time in six years. I decided that it's time to quit putting it off - anything that needed to be fixed was only going to get more expensive the longer I waited. With the amount of sugar I consume, I was expecting to need about ten cavities filled, so imagine my surprise when I didn't have a single one. That's right, six sugar filled years, and not one cavity. My teeth rock, even if they are crooked.

I still need to get some other work done, and it could get expensive since I don't have insurance, but I won't go into all that here.

What I will get into here is that I knew the dentist's son. I taught him in two classes a few years ago, and even wrote him a letter of recommendation for dental school. He got interviews, but the last time I talked to him he'd had to skip them because his mother died unexpectedly. I told him that I was sure they'd let him reschedule, and heard through common acquaintances that he'd started dental school somewhere, but never knew where.

So, after my exam, I told the guy that I knew his son. He got really excited and started telling me all about what he was doing now. While we talked, his receptionist was taking care of another patient, but she asked me how I knew the guy's son. I told her that I'd been his instructor for one class and TA for another, and the woman that she'd been helping before me leaned over to mutter something to the receptionist.

Since I was standing four feet away, I heard it all.

"Why couldn't my teachers have looked like him when I was in college? I never would've missed a class. I'd have been there every day, sitting in the front row. When he'd call [My Name] during roll call, I'd have put my hand in the air and said 'mmm mmm right here'."

Just had to throw that out there because it's been a while since I last offered proof that I am sexy.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

No phone no phone I just want to be alone today

One of my rules in life is that I don't answer my cell phone if it rings while I'm in the bathroom. Frankly, I don't see how any call* is important enough that I have to pick up if I'm taking a leak (or a dump). I figure that if someone's calling me, they'll be close to their phone in another two minutes when I'm finished up and I can call back then.

Yesterday a friend called while I was taking a leak. I called him back when I left the bathroom.

Him: Hello?

Me: Sorry, I couldn't pick up because I had my wiener in my hand.

Him: . . .

*There are two exceptions to this rule: I pick up if Dr. Psycho or Silent Kid call. I do it then just so I can tell them and get a reaction. They should feel special.

Monday, September 15, 2008

I've been here, I've been there

Reasons why the Republican Party thinks Sarah Palin is more qualified than me when it comes to foreign policy experience:

- She can see Russia from Alaska if she wants to.

Reasons why I am also qualified to be Vice President if lame crap like that counts:

- I knew where LIbya was on a map at pub trivia the other night.
- Sometimes I eat sandwiches with Swiss cheese on them.
- I like red Swedish fish the best, but have eaten all the different colors.
- I love me some German chocolate cake.
- I spent a day in Tijuana when I was seventeen.
- A gay "Hungarian" hit on me once.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

You can always be your own girl

Things Tortellini doesn't want to be when she grows up, according to an assignment she handed in for English class:

1. A professional athlete

2. A massage therapist

3. A prostitute

Number three is such a relief.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Wish I was much more masculine maybe then I could learn to swim

Girl: You should come swimming with me. It will help you lose that belly.

Me: I'd be too embarrassed to swim in that pool because everyone there knows what they're doing, and I don't, so my form is really bad.

Girl: Why? Do you swim with your head out of the water?

Me: No. Well, I guess I do sometimes when I breathe.

Girl: You're supposed to barely lift your head to the side, like this. [Gives demonstration]

Me: I know that, but don't always do it.

Girl: Well, I work with kids, so if you come with me I can help you with your form.

Guy (chiming in): And my wife works with retards, so between the two of them, they should have you pretty much covered.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

May be too humble to wanna speak, may have a blood soaked bird in its teeth

[Note, in order to fully understand this post, you should first listen to the following portion of a Dave Attell stand-up routine. It's kind of long, and while I recommend you listen to all of it (after all, he's a funny man), skipping to the eight and a half minute mark gets you to the relevant joke.]

A few weeks ago at the gym

Friend: If a guy just walked by me in the locker room totally naked, then a few minutes later passed by again with his penis flapping around, does that mean I needed to get out of there?

Me: Absolutely. Wait, was he running?

Friend: No. The first time he passed me he was walking, but the second time he was kind of doing this jog/shuffle thing. But his penis was definitely flapping. Did that mean something bad was coming from that direction?

Me: Not if he wasn't running full speed. In that case you just need to be wary, and pay attention to your surroundings. If he's running full speed? That's when you need to worry. If/when that happens, don't even grab anything, except your car keys if they're handy, just get out of there.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Ferraris and Benzes keep your girlfriend lost in a maze of luxury

A car like this one pulled up next to me at a stop light the other day:

I noticed for the first time that these have a 12 cylinder engine. I wondered aloud what the gas mileage was like for a 12 cylinder, and my friend and I agreed that it couldn't get many miles to the gallon. My friend pointed out that it probably did, however, get a lot of Poon Per Gallon (PPG).

I concur.

So, for those of you who are considering a new vehicle purchase, and PPG is high on your list of priorities, I give you Native Minnow's Guide To Shopping For A New Vehicle*.

Vehicles with a very high PPG rating:

Bugatti Veyron

Ferrari F430 Scuderia

Lamborghini Gallardo

Ducati Superbike

Vehicles with a very low PPG rating:

1970's Disco Van

White Trash Stretch Limo

Redneck Hearse

Honda Trail 90

You're welcome. Happy shopping!

*All images have been shamelessly lifted from the interweb with no credit given for the source. They are not pictures I took in my garage.

Monday, September 08, 2008

Feels like a midget is hanging from my necklace

If you ever needed a reason to not leave your cell phone unattended while in my presence, here's one for you: I was at a party Saturday night, someone left their phone on the table, and I just couldn't resist playing around once they received a text - even though I didn't know for sure whose phone it was or the girl they'd received the text from.

Girl: Whatcha doin' tonight?

Me: A couple of midgets and some creamed corn.

Girl: What a strange coincidence. I'm doing the exact same thing! Who's with you?*

Me: Two Asians, a Mexican and a parapalegic.

Girl: You should come over here.

Me: I'm trying, but the parapalegic makes things difficult.

Girl: You're not really hanging out with a parapalegic. If you are, bring them along.

Me: But what will the midgets think?

Girl: They can come too. We love midgets AND parapalegics.

Me: What about trannies? A few of them just showed up.

Girl: We've got way better than trannies over here. Trust me.

That's about the time that my friend realized what was going on, and made me straighten things out by letting them know it wasn't him that was texting. He suggested that if things were as good as they claimed, maybe we should head over to where they were, but we didn't.

*I'm going off memory since I don't have the actual texts, so many of these aren't verbatim, and I'm probably forgetting a few of them, but you get the point.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Teenage angst has paid off well now I'm bored and old

Friend: I tried that pizza place you told me about.

Me: Yeah? What'd you think.

Friend: It was pretty good. A little spendy though.

Me: Yeah. You don't want to take your three kids there and then pick up something for your ex-wife and her husband. As a matter of fact, you don't want three kids and an ex-wife.

Friend: I was just gonna' say . . .

----------------Same Friend Different Day----------------

Friend: Wait, how old is [Tortellini] again?

Me: Fourteen.

Friend: That means in another four years you'll be done paying child support for her, right?

Me: Right.

Friend: Then how long until you're done paying child support altogether?

Me: [Togers] turns eighteen in six years, so that's it*.

Friend: Wow. I haven't even started paying my child support** yet.

*Except for the fact that college tuition will be due around that time.

**This friend has never been married, nor has he fathered a child, so this is not meant to imply that he's a deadbeat.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Candy Baby

Friend: That girl's kind of cute.

Me: I agree.

Friend: She's got kind of a bubbly butt, but in a good way.

Me: Not in a farting in the bathtub kind of way?

Friend: . . .

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

A vandal had written that Jesus knows just how you feel when you're falling asleep, asleep at the wheel

Even though this is Sin City, there are many people here who are religious fanatics, or at least profess to be.

I give you the following as an example:

To which I would counter, "Real men know how to spell the word 'their'."