Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Dear Chicago

I don't have much time these days, so instead of taking the time to post something that would change your life, I'll just give you the lyrics to one of my favorite songs, Dear Chicago by Ryan Adams. I tried to find a decent video of it on YouTube, but the sound wasn't good on any of them. If you haven't heard it already, go spend $0.99 on itunes and download it. You'll be glad you did.

Here are the lyrics:

Dear Chicago,
You'll never guess
You know the girl you said I'd meet someday
Well I got something to confess
She picked me up on Friday
Asked me if she reminded me of you
I just laughed and lit a cigarette
Said that's impossible to do
Life's gotten simple since and it fluctuates so much
Happy and sad and back again I'm not crying now too much
I think about you all the time
It's strange and hard to deal
I think about you lying there and those blankets lie so still
Nothing breathes here in the cold
Nothing moves or even smiles
I've been thinking some of suicide
But there's bars out here for miles
Sorry about the every kiss
Every kiss you wasted bad
I think the thing you said was true
I'm gonna die alone and sad

The wind's feelin' real these days
Yeah and baby it hurts me some
Never thought I'd feel so blue
New York City you're almost gone
I think that I've fallen out of love
I think I've fallen out of love
I think I've fallen out of love with you

In other music news, I told you I'd report on the cds I ordered; Band of Horses-Everything All the Time, and Califone-Roots and Crowns. They're both good, but right now I like Band of Horses better. That could be because I'm on my 7,562,321st time listening to it and I just haven't given Califone enough listening time though. If you're looking to pick up a new cd, I recommend it. In fact, take out a second mortgage on your house and go buy it even if you can't afford it (ok, maybe it's not that good). To me, Band of Horses sounds like The Shins and My Morning Jacket, and if you don't know who those bands are, well, then I'm friend breaking up with you right now.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Tell me something that will make this seem it's worth my while

I got an email from my daughter stating the following:

You're my #1 favorite Valentine EVER!
But, um, don't let it go to your head.

It made me smile.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

I think the thing you said was true, I'm gonna die alone and sad.

I can foresee myself becoming a less assholey, straight version of Ennis Del Mar.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Tiny insects everywhere

Yesterday I went to my class where we hold weekly discussions of papers that are relevant to the work we do in our research group. Since I already subscribe to the journal this week's article was from, I just took that issue with me to class rather than printing a copy. One of the other students saw the cover and mentioned that he had found something similar in his water at a Mexican restaurant here in town.

Once class was over I closed the journal and another guy saw the cover.

Him: What the hell is that?
Me: It's your mom.
Him: Yeah, that looks like her proboscis and feathery antennae.

Friday, January 26, 2007

I know your best was still your worst

Here are some examples of things it's ok to say to your lab instructor during the first day of lab.
  1. I was thinking about transferring to another lab, but only if I can get into another one of yours. I heard you were the best TA.
  2. I heard that you were the hardest TA, but that it's a good thing because you really know your stuff and know how to teach, unlike a lot of the others.
Here are some examples of what not to say. At least not if you're intent on getting a good grade.
  1. When he tells you to just call him by his first name rather than Mr. [Minnow], you should not reply, "Well, you do have a lot of years on you."
  2. When he walks by and overhears you say, "He's so cute." You should not follow that up by looking at him and saying, "No, not you."

And here is something not to do.

  1. You should not believe the writing on the board stating that your instructor is a "jerk mcjerkface jerkpants."
You can go against my advice and say (or do) these things if you wish, but don't come crying to me when you receive a failing grade even though you deserved an A.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Hey Ladies, Get Funky

In the ongoing series of strange things that occur on my lunch break, I have two more things to share. Are they good things? Funny things? Will they change your life? No. But I'm in a hurry.

Yesterday we went to a Chinese Buffet. I wasn't quite sure that I wasn't dreaming though because they had Hey Ladies by the Beastie Boys playing over the loudspeaker. How many of you can say you've gone out for Chinese and listened to the Beastie Boys while you ate? It was more like I was at home, except that I'd never take the effort to fix Chinese food at home.

I could tell that it was a REAL Chinese place because a girl at the table next to me was eating her ice cream cone with chopsticks.

People are strange.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Middle school was enough for me, all I need to know how to do is count money

In honor of the new semester I'm giving you a pop quiz. There are two questions, one dealing with etiquette, and one dealing with proper parenting. Good luck!

1. True or False. When you're at lunch and the manager brings you your food and asks "How about some strawberries with your spinach veggie wrap?" The correct response is, "How about you shut the hell up and get your ass out of here?"

2. True or False. When you have your two year old child at the deli, and he's playing with the sign that has your order number on it so that the employees can bring your food to your table, an appropriate thing to say to your son is, "If you hit me in the face with that number I will punch you in your little baby balls."

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Take your feet off of that dictionary please. Who do you think you are?*

So, in search of further validation, I too went to the dictionary for the exact definition of 'good' (Take that hoity-toity Christians. You're not the only ones who know how to use a dictionary [does anyone really know how to spell hoity-toity?]). It turns out there are 31 definitions of the word, not just the one that was listed on the "Smart Card."

Here are the ones that I'm going to go ahead and say apply to me:
  1. satisfactory in quality, quantity, or degree of high quality
  2. excellent well-behaved genuine
  3. not counterfeit
  4. not spoiled or tainted
  5. (of the complexion) smooth; free from blemish
  6. sufficient or ample
  7. satisfactory for the purpose conforming to rules of grammar, usage, etc.;
  8. correct
  9. full (this one only applies after meals)
  10. loyal
  11. fairly large or great
  12. free from precipitation or cloudiness
  13. fertile

Go ahead, pick one and use it in a sentence. I'll go first:

Is that Native Minnow in the fridge still good?

*and no, I'm not above using cheesy lyrics from children's songs that Japanese teenagers like to listen to in order to have a title that matches the post

Monday, January 22, 2007

If there is a hell I'll see you there

I came across this card the other day as I crossed campus:

Of course, I had to try it out. You know, to get validation that I am a "good" person. Imagine my surprise when I placed my thumb on it for 15 seconds and nothing happened. It didn't turn green. Was there something wrong with the card? Worse, is there something wrong with me? I read the back and found out that yes, there is something wrong with me.

"Sorry . . . you're just like the rest of us. The dictionary says "good" is to be "morally excellent." Let's check the standard - the Ten Commandments, to see how far we fall short"

Here are the questions the card then asks, along with my answers:

Is God first in your life? No. It turns out that I'm extremely selfish and I pretty much come first in my life. I'd argue that anyone that says anything different is full of crap.

Do you love Him with all your "heart, soul, mind and strength?" I guess not. How else would I have time to eat, sleep, work, etc.

Have you made a god to suit yourself? I pretty much just worship myself. But I don't offer any burnt sacrifices or anything.

Have you used God's name in vain? Well, I haven't used His first name, if that's what you mean.

Have you kept the Sabbath holy? I don't suppose there's anything holy about watching football all day, baking a cake and giving my blog a make over. That's how I spent this past Sabbath. Ok, so maybe the cake came out divine. Does that count?

Have you always honored your parents? All except that one time that I knocked my girlfriend up and had to get married. Oh, and probably every time I've ever argued with them or gone against their wishes.

Have you hated anyone, and therefore committed murder in your heart? Well, there was that one time when a guy pissed me off so I caused a near fatal car accident with my mind powers.

Have you looked with lust and therefore commited adultery in your heart? Not in the past five minutes.

Have you lied (including fibs), stolen (the value is irrelevant), or coveted other people's possessions? Yes (I could be lying right now, would you know?), yes (I steal eggs from my roommate almost every time I bake) and yes (ipods, laptops, cars, pretty much anything that I don't already have).

Great. I'm screwed! And until I saw this card I actually thought I was a decent human being. Stupid evangelical Christians and their stupid guilt trips.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Appeal to the hearts of the young

So obviously I've given the blog a bit of a makeover, but I can't decide if I like it better this way or not. I need your opinions. Should I leave it, go back to the old look, or try something else?

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Casino Queen, My Lord You're Mean

Because I'd be damned if they were going to get that one too.

Friday, January 19, 2007

She likes to party, she likes to tease, but without money she's not easy to please

Last night I went to a friend's house for dinner. It was very enjoyable, especially since he's a much better cook than I am (i. e. the food actually tasted good and everything combined to make what a normal human being would consider a meal). I ate so much that I had to turn down a second piece of carrot cake and ice cream because I felt that if I ate any more I'd probably vomit. When I'm turning down sweets you know it's serious. We hung out for a while listening to music and watching a reality show with the sound turned off (it probably turns out to be much better television that way). I finally left when I'd digested enough to be able to slowly waddle out to my car.

As I was driving home I called a girl I know. She told me that she was going to have me come over there to keep her company while she packed for a weekend trip, but didn't because my friend told her that he was having me over for dinner. We talked for a while, even while I started getting ready for bed.

Her: If you'd have come over tonight I even had a Violet Crumble that you could have had.
Me: I'll come over right now. Nevermind that I'm wearing my thermals. (shut up, our heater's acting up and won't keep the house any higher than 61)
Her: I'm wearing thermals too. We could match.
Me: That depends. What color are they?
Her: White.
Me: Mine are white too.
Her: But I bet mine look better than yours.
Me: You realize that this just turned into the lamest ever version of 'so what are you wearing,' right?

Thursday, January 18, 2007

My moral standing is lying down

I've mentioned before about how I joke with my friends about going to a strip club anytime we have a reason to celebrate. I've taken this to a new level by mentioning it every time I don't want to decide where to go to lunch. After all, one of the newer strip clubs has added a kitchen. It is now Treasures Gentlemen's Club and Steakhouse.

You know, because nothing goes better with steak than a nice pair of fake boobs in your face (or is it the other way around?).

I wonder what else they have on the menu.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

You have to decide: Tits, or destiny?

I really don't have a lead in to this conversation I had with a friend yesterday, it's already obvious enough as it is. Nevertheless, I still thought I'd share:

Me: You mean the girl with nice breasts.
Him: Does she have nice breasts?
Me: I don't know, I've never met her. That's just how she was described to me.
Him: But she's older though, and married.
Me: Doesn't matter, I can still look.
Him: Looking's not fun anymore.
Me: What are you talking about? Looking never gets old. I mean sure, it's not as fun as grabbing but . . .
Him: That's what I meant.

Just then a rather attractive girl walked by.

Him: Here, let's do a test. You look and I'll grab.

It's nice to know that I am not alone as I gradually turn into a dirty old man.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Please pass the milk please

The other day my sister called me up and informed me that she and her husband wanted to go on the Native Minnow diet. I told her that it might not be a good idea as it seems I'm getting softer and softer around the mid-section. Not to be deterred, she proceeded to ask the following:

Q: When you make burritos how many do you eat? Are they big or small?
A: Two. Medium sized.

Q: What do you usually eat for breakfast?
A: Nothing.

Q: What do you usually eat for lunch?
A: I normally go out for lunch and order the veggie options on the menu (or at least low fat).

Anyway, I thought I'd help her out a little more than that by listing what I've had for dinner the past few days:
  • Baby carrots and hummus + pancakes
  • Scrambled egg beaters + a halibut fillet + chips and salsa
  • Clam chowder + gourmet hot chocolate
  • Chicken and broccoli linguine + oatmeal w/ brown sugar

You see, the key to the Native Minnow diet is to find things that absolutely do NOT go together and combine them into one meal. It will probably agree with your stomach more if you eat them at different times. For example, eat the carrots and hummus before you decide to fix yourself pancakes. Of course, the degree that the food is mismatched gets proportionally worse the longer one puts off a trip to the supermarket (I finally broke down and went shopping last night).

Monday, January 15, 2007

Hey music man just play something cool

I probably should have written this post a couple of weeks ago if I was going to do it, but I really don't have anything else right now so tough luck. Besides, I know at least two of you like my music taste so maybe this will give you some suggestions.

Over all, 2006 was a sub-par year as far as music goes. At least in my opinion. Most of what I picked up throughout the year was older stuff that I really liked but never ended up getting (e.g., Tool - Undertow; Ween - The Mollusk), or stuff that was released in 2005 but I didn't get until last year (e. g., Clem Snide - The End of Love; Ok Go - Oh No).

That being said, here are some of my favorite music releases of last year:
  • Tool - 10,000 Days: A little while ago I talked about how cool it is to rediscover an album or band. This is an album that prompted such a rediscovery. I really liked Tool in the early '90's, but didn't ever own any. After all, why buy the album yourself when all your friends have it and you can just listen to it when you're with them, right? I'll tell you why. Because when you don't live near your friends anymore, you miss out on a lot of your favorite music (of course, this is less of a problem now that everyone has burning capabilities). I listened to this album for several weeks straight, and subsequently picked up a lot of the older stuff that I'd never got around to owning. Good stuff.
  • Calexico - Garden Ruin: As my friend Rural Murder said the other day, this is one song away from being a perfect album. He and I disagree on this. I actually like the song that he doesn't. Just because it's sung in French doesn't mean that it's stinky and rude.
  • Built to Spill - You in Reverse: I owe my ex-girlfriend big time for introducing me to this band. I picked this album up mostly because I felt guilty about owning burned copies of a lot of their other stuff and felt like I should support the band if I liked them so much. I'm glad I did. It's a good songwriter than can have a song that's 6 or 7 minutes long and still leave you wishing it wasn't over (this also holds for Tool).
  • Pete Yorn - Nightcrawler: I think this album suffered a little because I got too much new music at once and therefore couldn't devote enough time to listening to just one album. It's kind of a new sound for him, and he has some really great stuff on here (Splendid Isolation is one of my favorite songs of last year).
  • The Raconteurs - Broken Boy Soldiers: This CD has a lot of good songs on it, and the band itself is a side project by two artists that I enjoy (Jack White and Brendan Benson). However, it doesn't seem to have much lasting power with me. It's certainly not an album that I'd listen to over and over again over a short period, but it's fine to pop in once in a while.
  • The Killers - Sam's Town: I actually had to listen to this one 4 or 5 times before I liked it. It's a bit different from their first album, which is probably a good thing. Too many bands seem to get stuck in producing music that all sounds the same (I'm talking to you Green Day and Coldplay). I'm just saying don't dismiss this one at first, give it some time.
  • Snow Patrol - Eyes Open: I actually feel like this is one of those girlie bands that I shouldn't like, especially since a lot of people compare them to Coldplay, but for some reason I can't stop listening to this album. Most of the songs seem to be about relationships, and not even dysfunctional ones, but I guess sometimes that's ok.

I should note that this isn't meant to be an all inclusive list of the best music released in 2006. Far from it. It's just the stuff that I've picked up and happened to really like. There's plenty that I haven't listened to yet but comes highly recommended (e. g., Califone-Roots and Crowns; Band of Horses-Everything All the Time). I'll let you know how those are when I get them later this week.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

When thoughts are all you dream of, and falls are all you take

The other day I sent an email to a girl stating the following:

"You're going to think I'm a total weirdo for telling you this, but I had a dream about you the other night (no, not that kind of dream). I don't remember all the details, but I remember that you did something to diffuse a situation between me and my ex-wife where she was demanding that I do something that I didn't want to do.

This morning she called me at 6 a.m. wanting me to fax her some papers. Where were you when I needed you?!

Texas, that's where"

Her response:

"I am happy to hear you were having dreams about me, I got a little disappointed when you said that they were not "that kind"

I call shenanigans!!! No girl ever wants to be told by email that a guy has been having "that kind of dream" about her unless they are in a relationship.

Friday, January 12, 2007

And you'll begin to wonder why you came

It's time for another installment of 'The Best of Native Minnow's Teaching Evaluations!' As always, these are actual comments from my students (and as always, some of these won't be funny unless you're a biologist).

Comments about the Lab:

What is the major weakness of the lab?
  • The amount of memorization is retarded . . .
  • The dead frog in the fish tank!! (it wasn't really dead, it just rarely moves)
  • Best Bio lab so far. (how is this a weakness?)

What was your least favorite lab exercise? Why?

  • Anything that dealt w/plants. I don't care about plants.
  • Plant/boring
  • Any plant exercise - plants suck
  • [Computer] labs because I would click reset when I wasn't supposed to so I'd have to start over. (I'm not sure how that's the fault of the lab)
  • Anything with stupid plants. Too complex for doing nothing. (Do you mean besides providing the rest of us with oxygen?)
  • Gymnospears. Too much info to remember. (including the fact that they're called gymnosperms)

Which lab experience was most informative and educational for you?

  • Plant morophogeny (I think it's supposed to say morphology, but hey, nothing like making up a new word when you don't know the answer).

What was your favorite exercise? Why?

  • [The field trip] - it was exceedingly boring but at least we got out of the lab room.
  • Dissecting the pig, I liked learning the vascular system of mammals. (Do you mean circulatory system?).
  • The pig, because I never saw a pig beyond the porkchops.

Comments about the lab instructor:

In general, how would you rate your lab instructor as a teacher?

  • Clear, presents ideas, well. He rules. (I just liked the punctuation on this one)

What were his/her strong points?

  • Knows his shit

How could he/she improve?

  • You cannot improve upon perfection!
  • He's already perfect
  • Keep it real
  • Dress up for Halloween this time
  • Give out candy?
  • Be more boring, no one likes a show off [Native Minnow]!
  • Buy long sleeve shirts because it's freezing outside.
  • Become a Buddhist monk in Tibet for a year

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Dangerous disguises that you never expect to see

Yesterday my friend and I were trying to decide where to go for lunch. I suggested that we either go to a sandwich place, or maybe to the Olive Garden to get their all you can eat soup, salad and breadsticks. We still hadn't decided specifically by the time we got to my car.

Me: So where are we going then, Olive Garden or Panera?
Him: Soup, salad and breadsticks sounds good. Let's do that. Go to the O.G.* for lunch, and lap dances.
Me: Ok, as long as we stay on the ground level. I don't want any lap dances from dudes in g-strings.
Him: But you'd be ok with dudes in booty shorts?
Me: Are there guys that wear booty shorts?
Him: Don't ask me, you're the one with the specifications.

*For those of you not "in the know" there's a strip club in Vegas called the Olympic Gardens, or O.G. for short. There are two levels. The upper level is where the male strippers are. Just thought I'd throw that in so you could understand the transition from Americanized Italian food to lap dances.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Unbearable now, you ain't seen nothin' yet

Things I need to do (according to one of my co-workers):
  • Clean up my desk
  • Turn my music down (even when it's playing through headphones)
  • Put WD-40 on my chair (too squeaky)
  • Stop moving in my chair (too squeaky)
  • Stop typing so loudly

Things my co-worker needs to do (according to me):

  • Lighten up
  • Buy some earplugs
  • Graduate
  • Never get married
  • Never EVER have kids

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

You know she begs me not to hit her

A lot of people tell me that I'm a nice guy. I'm probably too nice. In fact, I'm starting to think that maybe the reason I'm still single is that I'm not violent enough. I guess there are worse things than being single. Like being single and poor for example. It's obviously much better to be single, rich, and in prison.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Money's not concerned with the sick amongst the pure

Lately I've been thinking about what I would do if I were ever to become rich enough to just waste as much as I want. I'm not talking about becoming a professional athlete kind of rich, I'm talking about becoming a Saudi prince kind of rich. I haven't worked out the details of how exactly I'm going to do that (it could be tricky since my parents aren't royalty), but I've decided on one thing I'll do when I get to that point.

I could opt to buy myself a big gas guzzling SUV like an H2, but that's been done by just about every rapper and professional athlete in the U. S. You might suggest that I go one step further and get the stretch limo version of such an SUV, but it turns out that it's too easy to get shot in one of those.

Besides, I need something that's going to set me apart from all the common rich folk. I could go with something like a toilet made of solid gold. Alas, that too has already been done (years ago in fact). Furthermore, once you actually have the solid gold toilet, you're pretty much done wasting your money.

No, to fully demonstrate my opulence, I need something that constantly needs to be replaced. So, I've decided that I'll just use molecular grade water for all my physical needs. Not only will I drink it, but I'll also use it for showering, brushing my teeth, doing laundry, washing my cars (I will have an entire fleet of those too), etc. At a price of $28 per gallon, everyone would marvel at my lavishness, and my superiority over everyone else would be fully demonstrated.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

I'm the devil I can do what I want, whatever I've got I'm gonna flaunt

I think the universe is trying to tell me something. The past few times I've eaten at Subway my meal has been the same price: $6.66.

I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I keep ordering the same thing every time either.

You and me and my old friends, hoping it would never end

I just had to say goodbye to two of my close friends. They're the ones who got married in Massachussetts last month. They're moving to Boston, and they leave tomorrow morning.

It should be a good move for them. He's starting a Ph D program at a great school, with an advisor who does some cool work. Plus it puts them closer to both of their families. That still doesn't mean I have to be happy about them leaving.

I've known it's been coming for a while now. I think the decision was made last spring, but it hasn't really hit until now. They threw a going away party for themselves at their house tonight and both of them invited their friends from work. Even though the movers had already packed up their belongings, and the house was basically empty except for the people, it didn't seem real until I hugged them both goodbye and walked out the door. I won't say that I cried, but my eyes weren't the driest they've ever been.

I'm going to miss them a lot. And not just because I found out tonight that she works with an attractive woman that I'm not going to be able to have her set me up with.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Now I'm big and important, one angry dwarf and 200 solemn faces of you

I have a friend who shares my exact taste in movies and music. Nary a conversation between the two of us ends without at least some discussion of a new CD to pick up, or a movie that the other should go see (if they haven't already). And yes, I said nary.

The last time I talked to him I asked if he had seen Eragon yet. Of course, nobody should have seen Eragon yet, unless it was to make fun of (or beat up) fantasy nerds, but I digress. (Speaking of digressing, I urge you all to click here and read Eric D. Snider's review of the movie, if only for the opening sentence. Go on, I'll wait). Not surprisingly, he hadn't seen it. After all, he likes the same movies I do, and I only like good movies. Plus, he's not really into beating up fantasy nerds (he will make fun of them though - like you wouldn't believe). However, he pointed out that a guy we did our master's degrees with probably had.

Now, I'm not really one to make fun of people. Ok, that's a lie. But few have made it easier to do than this guy did. He was comic book guy, minus the goatee and ponytail. This guy was nearly 30 (if not already-I forget), and spent his adult life living alone and strengthening his D&D character (he even had a nice fantasy sounding name which I'd give to you, but I googled it last night and apparently he's still going strong).

When the first installment of The Lord of the Rings came out in theaters I asked him if he was going to dress up like Gandalf and camp for tickets.

His response? "I couldn't go as Gandalf, I don't have the outfit. I could go as Strider though."

He was serious. He even owned a sword.

Curiously, he never learned the lesson of always logging yourself out of things when using a shared computer. One time I offended his girlfriend by pretending to be him when he left his IM account open, but the best thing was when he left his email account open on one of the lab computers.

He may as well have put a bow and a tag that read 'To: Native Minnow, enjoy.'

It was springtime, the semester was about to end, and students would be getting a little break before the summer terms began. Since all this guy could talk about was playing these fantasy games, and how strong his alter-ego was, I decided to go through his contacts list and send an email to a few other grad students inviting them to join the next game. With the help of two of my friends, I composed four emails and sent them out. I only remember one of them well enough to reproduce it here, but it's enough to get the point across. It went something like this:

[Fellow Grad Student],

Some of my friends and I are going to be starting a new game later this Spring and are looking for a few new players to join us. Specifically, we were wondering if you would be interested in playing a left handed axe wielding dwarf. Let me know, it should be a lot of fun.

[Comic Book Guy's look-alike]

Each email had a different character that was very much 'Lord of the Rings' themed. They were something like an evil sorcerer, an arrow shooting good elf with magic powers, and a mercenary swordsman on horseback.

I figured that each of the four recipients would realize what had happened and know it was a joke. Imagine what he thought when two of them politely declined in an actual response.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

All of them ladies in their summer dresses, driving me crazy with their heroin

The other day I was talking with some friends (a guy and a girl), and as seems to happen fairly often, the conversation turned to sex. Mainly, one of my friends talked about her requirements:

Her: How much do you have? I'm easy, but I'm not cheap.
Me: I've got two bucks, what could I get for that?
Her: Absolutely nothing. Well, maybe I'd flash you or something.
Me: Whatever happened to 'first taste for free?'
Him: Dude, that only works for heroin.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

One last eighty proof, slouchin' in the corner booth, baby, it's as good as it gets

On New Year's Eve, I called one of my friends to wish him a good one. During the conversation we had the following exchange:

Me: So, do you have any plans tonight? Going out with any lovely ladies?
Him: No. Hot girls don't exist in my world.
Me: No?
Him: I never see any, therefore they must not exist.
Me: It might be better that way. Think about it, what would be worse, not having them around, or having them all over the place but knowing that they aren't available to you? That's how it is here.

I'm not sure if that qualifies as sage wisdom or rubbing it in.

Box Full of Letters - 4

To the guy who passed me in the canyon the other night:

Please take that fucking spoiler off your Ford F-150. Those are only meant for sports cars, not big trucks. Besides, this isn't the fast and the furious, you don't have to Tokyo Drift your way through the curves. I hate people like you.

Native Minnow

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Hey, are you lonely?*

I don't anticipate the new year having much effect on my luck with the ladies, but I've been thinking about ways to improve the way in which I approach one when I see her.

And by improve, I mean do more than just leer at her from across the room.

The problem for me is, what do you say to a complete stranger without sounding desparate, or coming across as some kind of a creep? **

Here are a few things that seem to work in songs, but probably wouldn't be effective in real life:
  • Death From Above, 1979: I don't need you, I want you.
  • Poe: Hey pretty, don't you wanna take a ride with me?
  • Killers: Don't you want to feel my bones, on your bones? It's only natural.
  • Garbage: If we sleep together will you like me better?
  • Nine Inch Nails: Kinda I want to maybe and just for tonight, we could pretend it's alright.***
  • Primus: Say baby do you wanna lay down by my side?
  • Stone Temple Pilots: I'm gonna give you something that you won't forget, I said you shouldn't have worn that dress.
  • Tenacious D: Get on top honey. You do what you like.
  • dEUS: Let's do it serpentine anytime, let's do it right here.
  • Lords of Acid: I want to sit on your face.
  • Machine Gun Fellatio: I like lips and eyes and mouth and smooth soft skin.
  • NOFX: My name's Louise, now would you take your clothes off please?
  • Damien Rice: Do you wanna get boned, you wanna get stoned, you wanna get a room like no-one else, you wanna be rich, you wanna be kitsch, you wanna be the bastard of yourself, you wanna get burned, you wanna get turned, you wanna get fucked inside out?
  • Pedro the Lion: Just one more kiss, just one more touch, please ten more minutes.

* Remy Zero

**Especially in this town where any attractive girl has already been hit on at least 749 times by the time I see her that day.

*** Obviously this is very mild compared to some NIN lyrics I could have used.

Monday, January 01, 2007

You're a million ways to be cruel

This was the first time since I moved to Vegas that I've actually been in town on New Year's Eve. I felt as though I should try and to something Vegas-ey to celebrate last night, and had made plans to go out with a girl I know. Unfortunately, something came up at the last minute and instead of going 'out on the town,' we ended up just going to her place to watch a movie.

You know it's not going to be your lucky night when you hear:

"I wish we'd have gone to The Strip or something so I could find a random guy to make out with at midnight. No, I'm not kissing you."


"I'd sleep with you if I thought you'd be any good."