Your mom could use a guy like me

Last night while I was out with some friends I turned in my chair and accidentally elbowed a waitress as she passed by.

Friend: You should apologize to her. With flowers. And candy. And oral sex.
Me: I should tell her that, she'd think it was funny.
Friend: You're right, she would.

A few minutes later she went back to the table she'd been coming from before, so I turned around to see if I could catch her. Instead she'd gone the other way back to the kitchen.

Me (as I turned back to face my friend): Oh, I thought she was coming.
Friend: Not without the oral sex. Or maybe she would without the oral sex. I don't know how good you be.
Me: Nor will you ever.
Friend: I don't want to.
Me: Good. But if you did want to I guess you could always ask your mom.
Friend: She said you suck.

She's such a liar!