We're never gonna survive unless we get a little bit crazy

Friend: That girl's hot. So was that girl at the bar last night.
Me: Which girl? The one in black?
Friend: Yeah. I'll bet she's too high maintenance for me though.
Me: What girl isn't too high maintenance for you at this point?
Friend: That's a good point. A hobo is too high maintenance for me.
Me: A homo*?
Friend: A hobo!
Me: Oh, because I was going to say, you'd probably have to lick a butthole, and I already know that's too high maintenance for you after our conversation** last night.
Friend: I'd never do that.
Me: Never? What if Heidi Klum came up to you and said she wanted you but that you'd have to lick her anus first.
Friend: Well, then I would.
Me: What if she said she wanted to do you, but that in order to do that you'd have to lick Seal's butthole first.
Friend: No.
Me: You wouldn't?
Friend: Would you? You would, huh?
Me: It's Heidi Klum.
Friend: Well, when it comes right down to it, one vagina is just like any other.
Me: But I'd get to brag to everyone that I got to have sex with Heidi Klum. That's got to count for something.
Friend: Yeah, but you'd also have to tell everyone what you had to do beforehand.
Me: No I wouldn't. There are certain things I could omit.
Friend: Nope. Those are the rules. You could tell everyone you slept with Heidi Klum but before that you tossed Seal's salad.

All this while I was doing some Christmas shopping. 'Tis the season.




*Not a term I normally use, I really thought that's what he said. I hope my making a joke out of it isn't offensive to anyone.

**Referring to a conversation with some of my friends in which it was made known that some of us have never licked an anus, while others had.