Driving in my car with my friend from Texas:
Him: That's a nice house.
Me: I know you just said, "That's a nice house", but with your accent, it sounded like you said, "That's a nice ass."
Me: So we just passed that 13 year old girl who was riding her bike on the other side of the street, pedophile.
Him: I'm no pedophile, racist!
Me: Racist? How does that make me racist?
Him: You're anti-Texan.
Me: Pretty sure Texan isn't a race, dude.
Him: Neither is New Zealander. But that didn't stop that guy from refusing to give Bret and Jemaine their fruit*.
*Even though they did get it in the end.