What gives this mess some grace unless it's kicks, man

Over the weekend my kids and I went on a short drive to the Colorado River.



At first we just hung out along the shore.



However, it was a hot day, so we all decided to go in and cool off. It worked. The water was freezing* cold. It was refreshing though.



Togers and I decided to go for a swim. We turned around when the current started pushing him downstream, and the water was too deep for him to touch the bottom.

After getting him back to shore, I decided to see how far out I could go. My kids said I swam about halfway across the river. I think it was closer to a third of the way. I stopped and turned around when I realized how strong the current really was.

I could hear Mr M yelling something to me from the shore, but I couldn't hear what. As I swam back, I could make out that he was calling for me to come back. When I got to the bank, he ran out and gave me a big hug.

Me: What's wrong? Did you think something was going to happen to me?

Mr M: Yeah.

Me: I wasn't going to drown. You know that, right?

Mr M: I know.

Me: So what did you think might happen?

Mr M: I thought a whole bunch of ducks were going to come peck out your eyes.



Lucky for me, they didn't. I'm sure they were contemplating it though, in their little duck minds. Fucking ducks.








*Ok, so maybe not freezing**

**But I'm a long way away from the guy who used to wet wade in fifty-five degree water on the Green River. It seems as though I've had to trade in my cold tolerance to be able to survive a summer in the Mojave desert.

I'm working on erasing you I just don't have the proper tools

Did you come here to be depressed today? If so, you're in luck! Check this song out. (As usual, ther's a YouTube clip at the bottom if you want to listen as you read along.)

Frightened Rabbit - My Backwards Walk
I'm working on my backwards walk
Walking with no shoes or socks
And the time rewinds to the end of May
I wish we'd never met then met today

I'm working on my faults and cracks
Filling in the blanks and gaps
And when I write them out they don't make sense
I need you to pencil in the rest

I'm working on drawing a straight line
And I'll draw until I get one right
It's bold and dark girl can't you see
I've done drawn a line between you and me

I'm working on erasing you
I just don't have the proper tools
I get hammered forget that you exist
There's no way I'm forgetting this

I'm working hard on walking out
Shoes keep sticking to the ground
My clothes won't let me close the door
These trousers seem to love your floor

I've been working on my backwards walk
There's nowhere else for me to go
Except back to you just one last time
Say yes before I change my mind

Say yes before I
You're the shit and I'm knee deep in it
You're the shit and I'm knee deep in it girl
You're the shit and I'm knee deep in it
You're the shit and I'm knee deep in it girl

You're the shit and I'm knee deep in it
You're the shit and I'm knee deep in it girl
You're the shit and I'm knee deep in it
You're the shit and I'm knee deep in it girl






Well? Did it do the trick? It seems to have worked for me.

The story I heard is the people are bored

Last weekend I was able to see Flieswithoutwings and his family for a couple of hours before making the drive back home on Monday. He told me that his oldest son, who is about to turn nine (I think) asked for a shotgun for his birthday.

He told his son that you have to be big and strong to be able to fire a shotgun.

His son thought about that for a second and said that they could just get him a sniper rifle instead.

It seems that someone's been playing Halo.

I am an American aquarium drinker, I assassin down the avenue

Me: I can't believe you're going to be a teenager within a week.

Togers: I know.

Me: You realize I have to kill you within the next few days, right? I can't be having teenagers.

Togers: Um, you've already got one: Tortellini.

Me: I know. I'm working on that too.

Togers: ???

Me: I've hired a hitman.

Togers: Well he must not be a very good one considering that she just turned fifteen.

Me: I know. He's not. I'm thinking of asking for my deposit back.

Let's go for a ride

I told you a little bit about the drive, now it's time to show you a glimpse at the rest of my Memorial Day weekend.

There was plenty of rain:



That meant time indoors, talking on the phone and playing checkers:



There was a lot of quality time spent with Domo:



Quality time spent with a lizard:



And quality time with two of my nieces, one of whom thinks she's a kitty cat:



And one who refuses to crawl:



But gets around just fine doing a little butt scoot:



There was even a brief stop at my birthplace:




It was a pretty good weekend.

He scares me so, like I scare myself

We went on a road trip for Memorial Day weekend. I dropped the two oldest kids off with friends, and Mr M and I went to visit my sisters. It turns out that Mr M is an inquisitive little bugger when he's got me all to himself. Here's a sample of the ten billion questions he asked while we were driving:

"Dad, why do we need atmosphere?"

"Dad, what year did we get water on earth? Was it like 1944?"

"Dad, what would it feel like to jump through a cloud?"

"Dad, what would happen if lightning struck lava? Would both of them just get hotter?"

"Dad, what would happen if I jumped out of a car while it was moving really fast?"

"Dad, is there food in space?"

"Dad, how can you make snow turn into an avalanche?"

"Dad, how hard would it be to blow up the moon? Could you do it with an atomic bomb?"

"Dad, what would happen if that whole mountain fell down when we were right next to it? Would the trees fall too?"

"Dad, what if the sun went out? Could we just eat frozen ham from a dead pig to survive?"

"Dad, what would happen if you killed everyone but yourself?"

"Dad, what would happen if you cut off somebody's legs?"

"Dad, is Hitler part of God?"


As you can see, as the drive went on, I began to believe more and more that it might be time to start worrying about the kid.

--------------------UPDATE--------------------

It's worth mentioning that there were a few moments of silence that came when Mr M decided that he wanted to be like a dog and have some wind blowing in his face:

'Cause that cartoon has got the boom anime babes that make me think the wrong thing

Mr M: Grandpa, could you, like, go turn on the TV so I can watch cartoons downstairs?

Grandpa: I don't know if your dad wants you to watch cartoons. Better go ask him.

Mr M: Dad, do you care if I watch cartoons?

Me: Go for it.

Grandpa (who apparently didn't want to go downstairs): Shit. Bastard.

Mr M: I am definitely not one of those.

Box full of letters - 6

To the 50 year old neighbor lady who always walks her dog in a neon green bikini:

Please stop doing that. You don't have the body for it anymore. That's if you ever did. Nobody needs to see that shit.

Sincerely,
Native Minnow

Your racist friend

Driving in my car with my friend from Texas:

Him: That's a nice house.

Me: I know you just said, "That's a nice house", but with your accent, it sounded like you said, "That's a nice ass."

Him: So?

Me: So we just passed that 13 year old girl who was riding her bike on the other side of the street, pedophile.

Him: I'm no pedophile, racist!

Me: Racist? How does that make me racist?

Him: You're anti-Texan.

Me: Pretty sure Texan isn't a race, dude.

Him: Neither is New Zealander. But that didn't stop that guy from refusing to give Bret and Jemaine their fruit*.








*Even though they did get it in the end.

The way the lazy do

Togers had his end of year band performance yesterday. He called me about an hour beforehand to tell me about it, so I didn't get to take any pictures, but least I made it.

The kids did a good job. It seems his school has a great music teacher*. It was incredible to see how much the kids have improved since their Christmas concert a few months ago. At the end of the performance, I thought about getting up from my seat to start a standing ovation, but then I thought about the effort that would require, and didn't.

I'm such a good dad!






*And he's not even gay or anything. Weird.

Turn on, tune in, drop out, give up with me

Another one of those songs that seems to have come along at just the right time for me. This time it's by Cracker, from their new album Sunrise In The Land Of Milk And Honey.

Come on, turn on, tune in with me
Baby you need a break so let's just run away
Well I'm tired of coding perl, tired of VBA
Maggie throw your lawbooks away
Turn on, tune in, drop out, give up with me

Now picture this

I'm shopping in town for our homemade Agrarian fortress
You're texting: Corian, granite or tile kitchenette in the gun nest?
Well we'll find a little meadow high up in the Cascades
Baby we won't ever come down
Turn on, tune in, drop out, give up with me

Turn on
Tune in
Drop out
With me
The whole thing's coming down so let's just get out of the way
Well I'm not paranoid there is no conspiracy
But I swear Big Brother's watching me
Turn on, tune in, drop out, give up with me

So you're serving apertifs to the local survivalist militia
In camouflage you're fine but the locals still call you Morticia
Well we'll find a little meadow high up in the Cascades
Baby we won't ever come down
Turn on, tune in, drop out, give up with me

Buy a little cabin in the Adirondacks
Baby they'll never find us
Turn on, tune in, drop out, give up with me

Hand stick out teepee
Windy east Mojave
Watching for black helicopters
Turn on, tune in, drop out, give up with me.

At every occasion one brilliant day funeral

Friend: Want me to cheer you up by telling you the most horrible thing?

Me: Sure, I guess.

Friend: Ok, so you know [Friend of Hers] right?

Me: Yeah.

Friend: Well, his mom died last week.

Me: Yeah, I heard that.

Friend: So, today was the funeral, so he flew back home for that, and I called him today just to see how he was holding up. When he answered, he just sounded so sad, so I wanted to say something to try and get him to laugh. I can't believe I'm even telling you this. It's so horrible.

Me: Well you can't stop now.

Friend: Ok, so his mom wanted to be cremated for whatever reason, so when I was talking to him I asked, "So, how does your mom look?"

Me: That is like 10,000 times worse than the worst thing I've ever said to anybody.

Friend: I know! He's the only person in the world I would ever say that to, but it worked. It totally made him laugh. I might be going to Hell, but it was worth it for that.

The man in the mirror

My ex-wife texted me these yesterday:




It appears that someone has been busy taking profile pictures for myspace. I think someone forgot to tell him that most people comb their hair first.

You call it poison but I call it rock and roll

Last week I went to a record store, and was excited to find an entire bin of used CDs that were on sale. As I thumbed through, I found two albums that I used to love in high school: INXS' live album Live Baby Live, and The Escape Club's album Dollars And Sex. I used to have both of these on cassette, but never replaced them once that technology became obsolete. I've looked a few times, but hadn't found them on disc until now. Of course I bought them both.

So, now that I've been listening to early '90s music, I figure I'll spread the disease. My favorite song from Dollars And Sex:

The Escape Club - I'll Be There

Watch more Dollars & Sex videos on AOL Video

This song started playing in my car when I was giving my ex-wife a ride* over the weekend.

She said, "I love this song!" and turned the volume up.

Then she said, "You know, I think you put this song on a mix tape you made for me when we were dating."

"I did?"

"I'm pretty sure you did. I'll have to look."

"You still have it?"

"Yeah. Somewhere."

"You're probably right. If you find it you'll have to let me know what other lame crap I put on there."

If you're lucky (?), she'll find it, and I can give you the playlist of what young Native Minnow considered to be romantic. It's bound to be ridiculous.









*Not that kind of ride, perv.

Red tape around my hands

Me: I need to get up and stretch my legs. I've been sitting at this desk for too long.

Friend: You can walk with me to my car if you want.

Me: You're not going to chloroform me and throw me in the trunk, are you?

Friend: Maybe.

Me: But only if I play my cards right?

Friend: Exactly!

But if I can't change your mind then no-one will

A few weeks ago I was having a particularly frustrating day with my kids. A friend of mine had offered to pick them up from school and take them to her place for the afternoon. However, she got in a bit of a panic when she showed up and had trouble finding them. It turns out that one of them had forgotten that she was going to pick them up, and started walking home after school instead of watching for her car. My friend ended up getting them all, but not for another half hour, after several phone calls back and forth with me to try to figure out where they might be.

Once I was off the phone for good, one of my co-workers sensed my frustration, and gave me an inquisitive look to find out what was going on.

Me: Seriously dude, don't ever have kids.

Him: Ok. Well I have to say, I can't guarantee that I'll never have a kid.

Me: True. But take every precaution you can. Just trust me on this.

Him: So I'm guessing you haven't heard the news that my wife is pregnant?

Me: Oh. Congratulations?

I love a girl who's far away, headed home, and sleeping at the wheel

Friday night I watched a movie with Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend*.

She fell asleep during the movie, and it was difficult trying to wake her up afterward.

Me (after finally getting her to open her eyes): I think you should just stay here tonight. I don't want you driving home if you're this tired.

Her (mumbling): Ok.

So I scooped her up off the couch and carried her upstairs to my room. When I turned down the hallway I heard something bump against the wall.

Me: Sorry. I didn't mean to brush your arm on the corner like that.

Her: That was my head**.

Me: Oops. Sorry.

I apologized to her again the next morning. She didn't remember any of that happening. Perhaps I hit her head harder than I thought.

No wonder she doesn't want to be my girlfriend.







*Yes, I am a masochist.

**It was unintentional. I haven't resorted to trying to knock girls out so I can take advantage of them***.

***Yet.

God don't make lonely girls

Last Week

Girl: Any plans for the weekend?

Me: No. I'll probably just work. You?

Girl: I kept the weekend free so I could study, but my boyfriend's out of town with some friends, so if you change your mind and want to do something give me a call.



I told one of my friends about this exchange and she said, "That's the kind of girl who says that because she thinks you're safe, but secretly hopes that you're not."

I didn't call her. The last thing I need would be getting shot by a jealous boyfriend who came home early.

Foals in winter coats, white girls of the north

A couple of weeks ago, my Navajo friend emailed me to see what I'd been up to.

I sent a short response, and asked if he was doing anything fun for the weekend. He said he was going to Phoenix.

I asked if it was for work or for play.

He wrote back: "I’m going down for NASCAR. I’m gonna check me out some white women*!!!"

My response**: "You're the brownest redneck I know."








*He and I were close friends in high school, but lost contact for a number of years. A few years ago a friend of ours got married in Salt Lake City, and he and I both flew in for that. He walked up to me, looked around, and the first words out of his mouth were, "Where the white women at?" Keep in mind this is the first time we'd seen each other since high school. It's become a running joke, and now every time he calls it's the first thing he says.

**I should've added that he really doesn't want any part of a woman he'll find at a NASCAR race.

Tailored suits, chauffered cars, fine hotels, and big cigars, up for grabs, up for a price

Friend: So what's the deal with you and that Asian girl?

Me: What are you talking about?

Friend: I've seen the flirting. It seems to be going both ways.

Me: Nah. I don't make enough money to keep that girl happy.

Friend: Do you think she's a gold digger?

Me: I guarantee it.

Friend: How do you know that?

Me: She works as an image consultant.

Friend: I don't even know what that is.

Me: I didn't either, until I asked her. It's basically someone who helps rich people pick out expensive gifts for their wives or girlfriends.

Friend: So like a personal shopper?

Me: I guess. But expensive stuff. She told me she helps guys pick out diamond necklaces, or $4000 evening gowns. Stuff like that.

Friend: That's crazy.

Me: I told her that if there were men willing to spend that much on their women, that surely there would be women out there who are willing to spend that kind of money on their men, and that I needed to find one of those women.

Friend: What did she say to that?

Me: She said, "You're going to need to clean it up." I asked, "Clean what up?" She said, "All of it!"

Friend: You're right. You can't afford her.

Me: I told you!

Because the beautiful were never meant to suffer

Last night I encountered PTSD girl again. She was out with one of her friends while I was out with one of mine. At one point, on the way back from the restroom, I stopped at their table to say hi and ended up talking to PTSD girl while her friend went to talk to my friend. When I went back to sit with him he relayed part of their conversation to me:

My Friend: Are you trying to set [Minnow] up with [PTSD girl]?

Her Friend: No. I already tried that once. I don't think he likes her.

My Friend: Well, she's really not his type of girl.

Her Friend: What is his type?

My Friend: Attractive.

There's nothing like a little brutal honesty to make sure the record is set straight.

Well it's been a good time trying to have a good time and for a time it seemed to be okay

I had dinner Tuesday night with the girl I took to the Travis concert. A few of my friends told me it was crucial that I make a move, or else I'd be relegated to friend status forever.

I didn't make a move*.

The next day I told my friend, "I didn't even try to kiss her goodnight. Now she probably thinks I'm gay."

He said, "I'm starting to think you are too. Maybe it's time to face facts."











*I blame the homeless** woman for coming up and begging for change right as I walked her to her car.

**Nothing ruins a moment quite like the homeless.

What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy

Mr M: Sometimes I wish I was the oldest kid.

Me: Why?

Mr M: Because I'm the most goodest.

Me: You are?

Mr M: Yeah.

Me: Well, what about Tortellini and Togers?

Mr M: They suck.

Add another belt notch to the hundreds for the heartache assassin

Togers got his heart broken for the first time. My ex called me last night to see if I'd talk to him about it. I did, but as I was talking to him it occurred to me that me giving him girl advice would be similar to Larry the Cable Guy being science adviser to the White House.

This morning I asked if he was feeling any better. He said he was. When he got out of the car I told him the one thing about girls that I do know for sure: "Chicks are crazy, man. Don't ever forget that."

Fifty bucks and a case of beer and nobody's sayin' goodbye

Yesterday was the annual horseshoe tournament. I took Togers and Mr M with me this year because that is what a good father does - takes his young impressionable kids to a kegger.

Like last year, there were a lot of teams. Like last year, my team was eliminated about halfway through. Like last year, there was a lot of alcohol consumed by the attendees (I believe it was four kegs and a gallon and a half of Jägermeister this time). And like last year, I was the beer bitch because nobody else was sober enough to drive.

All it took for Togers to become the biggest social butterfly of the entire party was for him to hit a ringer. Being the youngest participant, everybody cheered him on. It must've gone to his head because after the match was over he went around introducing himself to everyone for the rest of the night. He even started talking smack to some of his future opponents.

Togers (to probably the biggest guy at the party): What's your team name?
The Big Guy: [Team Name]
Togers: I think we take you on next. We'll probably win. [Walks away]
The Big Guy (to me): Wait! Did that little bastard just talk shit to me? I think he did.
Me: I think you're right.
The Big Guy: I'm going to push him down the hill the next time he walks by.
Me: You've got my blessing.

A few minutes later:
The Big Guy: Great! Now he's in my head. I'll probably throw a shoe and hit the house.


Mr M learned a few things while he was there. Some people taught him and a neighbor girl how to play ping pong. He told me that he can't wait until he's bigger so that he can be better at playing that. Later, he ended up shooting baskets with a couple of guys. I went over to shoot around with him too. We'd take turns, and after a few rounds he shot the ball, missed, then said, "Douchebag!"

I suppose I ought to stop using that word so much. Either that, or Mr M needs to learn how to use it in context.

I could go on and on, like telling about the girl who got too drunk too early, and the guy who tried to wrap her up in saran wrap to prevent her from vomiting on herself only to have someone else get protective of her and douse that guy with the hose. Or I could tell you about the guy who stumbled his way out of the house and fell into the middle of a very spiny desert plant. But I won't (mostly because I didn't get pictures).

All in all, it wasn't as fun as last year's tournament, but it still beat going to the office on a Saturday.

All that you feel is yourself getting old

My sister sent me this card*:





Then, to add insult to injury, someone else saw it and asked how my sister had been able to make a card with my face photoshopped onto Hillary Clinton's body.

The card was a nice gesture, but this was only thing I really wanted.






*Sure the card itself is a little dated since, you know, she lost the election and all, but it is funny in this context.

Mutilation out of sight and I'm contemplating suicide

Today I'll be indoctrinating my students about global warming by having them watch An Inconvenient Truth.

That means I'll be listening to Al Gore's voice for approximately six hours today.

If you don't hear from me again, it means I will have offed myself.

I live my life a quarter mile at a time

I need to replace the tires on my car.

I've been saying that since January, but still haven't done it.

It's to the point now where I check them all the time just to make sure the wires aren't poking through the sidewall.

Maybe I need to just go buy new tires.

Or maybe I should take up drift racing.



Because if you ain't out of control, you ain't in control.

Really all I need to do is put a spoiler on my Sentra, prime it for NOS, and surround myself with a bunch of hot, scantily clad Asian girls.

Yeah, I think I'll do that instead.

Happy Earth Day!

Before I learn I gotta grow up, but I'm not willing I guess I'm fucked

Having a bad day? Are you the sort of person who feels better after reading about the misery of others? If so, you're in luck. May I direct your attention to fmylife.com? Read it. Love it.

A few good ones:

- Today, I was flirting via text with a coworker. Things started getting heated, and I wanted to send her a sexy picture. I asked if she had any suggestions. She said, "Your nuts!" She meant, "YOU'RE nuts." I sent her a photo of my junk. I offended a co-worker with incriminating evidence. FML

- Today, I got back my math test. Instead of taking the time to mark the mistakes, my professor just circled the bottom half of the page and wrote "OMG." FML

- Today, I was delivering packages to patients in the hospital for my job. My boss gave me a room to deliver to, and I drop it off as usual. But my boss gave me the wrong room number. I had to walk in, apologize, and take back balloons and a stuffed animal from a crying 6year old patient. FML

- Today, I tasted the rainbow. By that, I mean a homeless man hit me in the face with a bag of Skittles for not giving him money. FML

- Today, I was texting two people at once. Trying to respond to my friend's text, I accidentally clicked on this guy's name instead, who I've never met. He just told me about his grandma's funeral he went to that was an open casket. I responded with, "Haha wow you slut, I'm sure you were aroused." FML

- Today I texted my girlfriend, telling her how I hated my job and felt like I was trapped be wasting my time. A couple of minutes later she texted back, saying "That's how I feel about our relationship." FML

- Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

- Today I stopped riding my bike to help an elderly lady across the street. While we were crossing, the light changed, and in the rush to get her to the curb I dropped my phone. It was run over. Then I looked across the street just in time to see my bike get stolen. FML

There's always someone out there cooler than you

Yesterday was Tortellini's birthday. Her mom took care of the cake (although my roommate's son bailed her out on the frosting job):



I took care of getting her what struck me as the shirt that was created specifically with her in mind:



(If you can't tell what's going on, go check it out at threadless.)

I fixed lunch for everybody, and then we all went to the pool. While we were there, I had this exchange with Mr M:

Mr M: Dad, Tortellini is cool.

Me: Who is more cool, Tortellini or you?

Mr M: Um. Me.

Me: How about Tortellini or Togers?

Mr M: Tortellini.

Me: Who's cooler out of me and Togers?

Mr M: Togers.

Me: Me and Tortellini?

Mr M: Tortellini.

Me: How about me or your mom?

Mr M: You.

Ex: What*?!? How can that be?

Mr M (very matter of factly): Mom. You don't have a X-Box.








*This is about a hundred times funnier if you know exactly how fiercely loyal Mr M is to his mother. He got mad at me and the guy who cuts my hair because we said he could do a better job cutting Mr M's hair than his mom could do. He wouldn't talk to either of us for about ten minutes. He doesn't think jokes about her are funny, even if she laughs at them. It's good to know that an X-Box overrides all of that.

I wish this could've been any other way, but I just don't know, I don't know else I can do

Waiting for a job interview to begin is the only time you don't want to receive a text like this:

You should play hookey with me today and take me to the mall because I am afraid to drive and I need to go to Victoria's Secret. You can see my boobs ;)

Now whip it into shape, shape it up, get straight, go forward, move ahead, try to detect it, it's not too late to whip it, whip it good

Me: I deleted my myspace profile today. I've been thinking about quitting blogging too.

Flieswithoutwings: Whaaaaaa? You can't do that.

Me: Well, the only reason I kept my myspace page this long was so I could stay in better contact with [Girl Who Wouldn't Be My Girlfriend], but she'll just have to call or contact me through facebook if she wants to talk. I waste too much time online and that's one less thing now. Besides, I don't feel like I'm as funny as I used to be. I feel like I've lost it and maybe it's time to go.

Flieswithoutwings: You've got one of the better blogs I've seen. Plus, you seem to have a pretty good following. You just need to quit worrying about girls so much.

Me: You're probably right. It does seem like I put a lot of energy into that. Especially on my blog. I must seem desperate.

Flieswithoutwings: Just remember, you've got to whip that pussy. Don't let the pussy whip you.

Flieswithoutwings: [Wife] just hit me for saying that.

Every time I find a girl beaten, gagged and bound, I let her go and write it down

Friend: Is rape your favorite game? See Redacted.

Me: Depends on if I'm giving or receiving.

You'll realize one day the grass is always greener on the other side

Two stories from Easter Sunday:

The first came from Mr M telling me that there's no such thing as the Easter Bunny. No. Instead, humans just dress up in rabbit costumes and go around delivering candy and eggs. After all, it's not like a bunny can make candy. Duh!

When I tried to convince him otherwise, he just kind of rolled his eyes and walked away.

A few minutes later he came back holding the chocolate rabbit that was in his Easter basket. He pointed to the side of the box it came in and said, "If the Easter bunny is real, then why is there nutritional information on the box? Huh?" Then he turned it over and pointed to the bar code, "And this right here proves that someone bought it."

I asked him where he thought all the other candy that was on the counter came from.

"You."

I think the gig is up.

----------------------------------------------------------------

The second story came from when we were hanging out at the pool. I'm not sure if I mentioned this on here or not, but my ex-wife and her second husband are getting a divorce. Needless to say, they didn't exactly part on good terms, and a lot of her neighbors have heard her version of the circumstances surrounding the end of their time together. They all think he's a jerk. Of course, they're only going on one side of the story (as am I), but they have definitely formed opinions.

So, while we're sitting at the side of the pool, my ex starts talking to one of her neighbor ladies. She introduces me as her ex-husband, and the lady gave me kind of a funny look.

My ex said, "No, he's not that husband. He's the first one. Apparently I like to collect ex-husbands."

I added, "I'm the husband she wishes she'd never left."

If you can't see me happy well just look the other way

The perfect way to spend an Easter Sunday:

1) Have the kids spend the night and dye eggs the night before.
2) Wake up and do the whole Easter basket thing followed by an egg hunt in the back yard.
3) Eat a lot of candy!
4) Make a good lunch (at least by my standards) of ham and cheesy potatoes.
5) Hang out with the kids at their pool (even if the water is too cold and you end up getting a slight sunburn).
6) Go home and take a short nap.
7) Go to a concert.



I went with a girl who is way out of my league, but as they say, it's better to aim high and miss than aim low and hit, right?

The show was amazing! I'd never seen them play live, but I'm really glad I went as I was still waffling about it a week prior to the show.

At one point, the lead singer asked whether there was anyone in the crowd who'd never heard of them but just stumbled in from the casino to see what was going on, or if there was anyone who was hearing them for the very first time. The girl I was with fell into the category of those hearing them for the first time, so she raised her hand. The lead singer looked directly at her and said, "Well, we're glad you came." A few songs later, he jumped down off the stage and started to walk into the audience while he was singing. I leaned over and said, "Looks like he wants to come out and say hi to you." She laughed, but then as he continued singing the song, he walked straight to her, shook her hand, stopped singing and said, "Welcome to Travis" then continued on with the song.

All I'm saying is, you know the girl you brought to the show is hot when the lead singer of the band makes it a point to introduce himself.

I told her, "You could soooo get backstage if you wanted to."

She said she wouldn't go without me. I really believe that she could've, but I'm glad she didn't.

After the show, she thanked me about ten times for inviting her, and asked me to put together a mix CD of my favorite songs of theirs. Instead, I'm going to put a CD together with all the songs I can remember them playing at the concert since that includes a lot of my favorites anyway. However, I'm not sure I can give her a mix CD without asking if that means we're "going steady" if she accepts it.

Oh yeah, I tried to take a picture with my camera phone so I could make everybody jealous, but this is how crappy it turned out (I added the circle - obviously, he doesn't have a red aura).

I tremble they're gonna eat me alive if I stumble

Ladies and Gentlemen, from the notebook of Tortellini, I give you . . . Mr. Yum Yum!



Don't let him ruin your Easter Sunday!

Hello hello I'm at a place called vertigo

A friend of mine got dizzy while doing yoga the other day. He didn't think much about it, but was still feeling weird a day or two later, so figured he ought to go see the doctor.

The doctor told him he had a case of positional vertigo.

My friend asked the doctor if there was anything he should do to prevent that from recurring.

The doctor said, "Do less yoga, drink more beer."

How many people would kill to be able to get that prescription?

Send it, you got to send it, send me your money

The other day:

Friend: Did you file your taxes already?

Me: Yeah. I finally sent them off about two weeks ago.

Friend: Me too. But [Girlfriend] hasn't yet.

Me: She'd better hurry.

Friend: I know.

Me: What day is the deadline this year? It's next week, right?

Friend: Eight days from now. At least that's what the statue of liberty standing on the corner waving a sign told me earlier.

Me: If you can't trust the statue of liberty, who can you trust?

This will turn into something else, something else, and when it does I'll be somewhere else, somewhere else

I've mentioned before about how I get stage fright when it comes time to pee in a crowded public bathroom. I'm fine as long as I can start my stream before anyone stands next to me, but if someone's standing there before I start, forget about it.

Last night I went with a friend to watch the Men's NCAA championship game. Around halftime, I needed to use the restroom. I walked in, and to my relief, there was nobody else around. So, I unzipped and began to pee. Within about five seconds of this happening, the entire bathroom filled with men. I'm not even exaggerating in the slightest. Luckily I'd already started, so it wasn't an issue. Otherwise, I never would've been able to relieve my bladder.

The bathroom was so full, that somebody walked in and shouted, "Wow, it's a cock party in here."

That's one type of party I hope to never have to experience again.

Now I'm very big I'm a big important man

Last time I went grocery shopping a woman approached me and said, "I'm sure you get this all the time, but has anyone ever told you that you look like our former president?"

I nodded and said, "At least two or three times a week."

"Well, this is going to sound weird, but would it be okay if I took your picture? I want to send it to my sister so I can tell her I met Bill at the grocery store."

I let her. I think it was the highlight of her day.

Maybe I should look into whether there's a big market for Bill Clinton impersonators. It could end up being much more lucrative than the whole 'biology' thing.

The body says no no no no

Last night I saw the girl whose boobs I said no to a couple weeks ago. She came over to talk to me and my friend as soon as she saw us.

Her (to my friend): He said no to my boobs last time. Can you believe that?

Him: I heard the story. I told him that I'd be happy to buy a round of shots and take them out to you guys if it meant I got to see boobs.

Her (to him): I know, right?

Her (to me): Are you sure you aren't gay?

Me: Pretty sure.

Looks like my actions* backfired.










*I wasn't even intentionally** playing hard to get when I said no to her boobs. I just had somewhere else I needed to be that night and I was already going to be late.

**I haven't been reading The Game, even though I could probably use some tips.

This is not a joke so please stop smiling

When I stopped by to pick up Mr M and take him to school, he was being scolded for something he'd done (or maybe something he was supposed to do but didn't, I'm not sure because I just caught the tail end of it).

While his mom was finishing what she had to say, Mr M rolled his eyes and said, "Oh my gosh!"

Ex: You've been saying that to me way too much lately. I want you to stop saying that.

Mr M: Oh my gosh, Mom.

Ex: I told you not to say that.

Mr M: Oh my gosh. 'Oh my gosh' is just 'oh my gosh.' It's not a swear word. Look it up.

Ex: I don't care if it's not a swear word. I want you to quit saying it to me. Now brush your teeth.

Mr M: You brush your teeth.

Ex: What did you just say to me?

Mr M: Nothing.

Ex: That's what I thought.

Mr M (waiting until she'd walked a safe enough distance out of the room): YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH!

The parasites are excited when you're dead, eyes bulging, entering your head

In lab, I was talking about Phylum Nematoda. I mentioned to my students that while some of them are free living, many nematodes are parasites. I also told them that if they wanted to see some really disturbing pictures they should do a Google image search for Ascaris.

One of my more impatient students whipped out his iphone and did so right away. Then he showed the pictures to his lab partners. As expected, they were grossed out. What I didn't expect was that the guy would save this picture (click if you're feeling really brave - if you're not, it's some roundworms coming out of a kid's butt) as his phone's wallpaper.

Him: That was so gross. I couldn't believe how many worms were coming out of that man's butt.

Me: You mean that little boy.

Him: ?

Me: That wasn't a full grown man.

Him: Are you sure? I thought it was a man.

Me: Dude. You of all people ought to be able to recognize a young boy's anus when you see one.





(I'll leave it up to you to decide if this is true or if it's an April Fool's joke.)

No plus no equals no

I twittered about this about two weeks ago, but figure I have time to tell the whole story now.

A couple of Fridays ago I went to the bar with my friends. I was sitting at a table with them when a girl I know walked by. She saw me sitting at the table, and came over to say hi. She talked for a few minutes, but I was trapped against the wall, and she was talking to me across the whole table, so I told her I'd go outside and sit with her in a little while so that the conversation wouldn't be so awkward.

Only one of my friends at the table had ever met this girl before, so as soon as she walked away they all started telling me to go outside right then and talk to her.

I told them that I would go out there, but not right then. I waited about an hour, then went outside to talk to her after I'd already had to get up and use the restroom. When I got outside I looked around and couldn't see her anywhere. Cursing myself for waiting so long, I called her and left a message saying that I was sorry I had missed her if she'd already left, and if she hadn't she should text me to let me know where she was and I'd come back out. Then I went and sat back down with my friends.

Friend 1: That was fast.
Me: She wasn't out there.

Just then, she and one of her friends walked out of the bathroom and went back outside.

Friend 1: There she is right there. Go out there and talk to her right now.
Me: No. I just left her a message. If she texts me, then I'll go out.
Friend 2: What is wrong with you? That girl is really cute. Go out there.
Friend 1 (to Friend 2): He could have that girl if he wanted her. She seeks him out every time she's here.
Me: That's a bit of an exaggeration.
Friend 2: Go out there.
Me: If I go out right now I just look desperate.
Friend 1: You are desperate. You aren't in a position where you should be playing hard to get.
Me: I'm only going if she texts me.
Friends 1 & 2: You're an idiot.
Me: Maybe.

A few minutes later she texted me: I was in the bathroom.

Me: See? Now I can go out there.

So, I went outside and sat with her and her friends for a while.

Now, a little back story here is necessary. The first night I met this girl was at the same bar. That night she told me about how the bar owner (who is extremely creepy) kept asking her out. He does that with a lot of girls that come to the bar, but he seems to be very persistent with her. He gives her and her friends free drinks all the time, and sometimes he'll corner her in the hallway that leads to the bathroom to get some one on one conversation and/or to ask her to go out with him. It's creepy, but she tolerates it. Probably so she can keep getting free drinks.

Of course, I take every chance I get to make fun of her about this guy's apparent obsession with her. I'll periodically send her emails or texts that say "[Bar Owner] misses you." It never gets old. At least not from my perspective. (You may have noticed that about me and my stupid jokes.) So, when I first sat down I asked if he'd hit on her yet that night. She said he had. Of course he had.

After sitting there for a while, she and her friends decided that they wanted to do a round of shots. She joked about how she was going to find the bar owner and flash her boobs to him to see if she could get some shots for free. I said that if she did that it would be the highlight of his life, and there'd be no way he could say no.

Her: Of course he wouldn't be able to say no. Nobody has ever been able to say no to these boobs.

I tried to get our server to bring the bar owner out, but she wouldn't, so the plan never came into fruition. At least not while I was there. After sitting there for probably too long, I told her that I needed to go back inside because I felt like I'd abandoned my friends. I also needed to leave soon, and had to settle up on my part of the bill.

Her: You're leaving? You're not even going to stick around long enough to see my boobs?
Me: I'm sure they're fabulous, but I have to go.
Her: [pouting]
Me: Do you see this? [motioning to my body with my hands] This is me saying "No!" to your boobs.
Her: That's the first time that's ever happened.
Me: [Waving as I walk away].

It may be time to rethink my priorities in life.

Hot cookin'

Last night I was talking to my brother while I began preparing dinner. Dinner consisted of a grilled cheese sandwich and some butternut squash soup.

I'm an amazing chef, I know.

The butternut soup came in a box, so I just poured it into a pot to heat it, and as I did so, I squeezed the box too hard and spilled some all over the stove top.

I told my brother, "Oops. I just spurted my butternut all over the place."

I'm not sure if that's something he needed to hear.

A cheerleading chick

Walking back from the research symposium today:

Me: Why are there cheerleaders all over campus?

Labmate: They're in high school, which means they're illegal.

Me: I didn't mean it in a "hey baby" sort of way. I'm just wondering. Why do you think that everything I say is pervy and creepy?

Labmate: That's because everything you say is pervy and creepy.

Me: That's beside the point.

Change came in disguise of revelation, set his soul on fire

I see this truck every morning as I walk to my office:



The picture is really unnecessary since you can't make out what the words say anyway, but I have a camera phone and by Jove I'm going to use it.

The window sticker reads:
Pro-God
Pro-gun
Pro-life
Anti-Obama

It's fitting because I heard that the Obama slays unborn fetuses by shooting their mothers with his collection of banned assault rifles that he wants to keep for himself but nobody else, and then he and his wife toast each other with baby's blood as part of a Satanic ritual they perform in the Oval Office every six days.

Stinkin' Obama.

I'm fat, I'm fat, really really fat

Roommate's Son: Do you have a six pack Tortellini?

Tortellini: No.

Roommate's Son: Do you Togers?

Togers: No.

Tortellini: Dad has a six fat.

Togers: He's got a six pack . . . of double chins.

So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up?

One of my friends has a name that doesn't fit his physical appearance at all. One time he was paying for something with a credit card and the cashier said, "I need your card, sir." He said, "That is my card." The guy ran it, but was still skeptical.

The other day my friend told me that he stopped at a Starbucks, and was chatting up the barista when she looked past him and called his name out.

He said, "That's me."

She said, "Oh. You're [Name]? That's awesome!"

He told me, "I just nodded, but I was thinking, 'if you think that's awesome you should see my cock.'"

I'm sure she would've just melted upon hearing that.

The water the water didn't realize it's dangerous size

Mr M: Dad, do you want a Sprite?

Me: No. That's ok.

Mr M: Dad. You can't just drink water all the time.

Me: Why not?

Mr M: Because if you drink too much water, then you'll get healthy and more healthy. And then you'll get sick.

Me: I think you've got it backwards there dude.

Mr M: No I don't. If you get too healthy your body gets sick.



I wasn't aware it worked that way. I might need to go read up on the immune response.

So if it starts to get you down just pretend that you don't make your living selling advertising

If this doesn't drum up some business for these guys I don't know what will.



I might also mention that the van is full of boxes and trash, and has two flat tires.

One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble

When my students finish with their dissections, they dispose of the animals in a trash can labeled 'Tissue Waste' since they can't throw them in the trash (for obvious reasons). Because of the way they dispose of tissue wastes, students aren't supposed to put anything else in the tissue waste bin. As I was reminding them about this at the beginning of lab, I looked into the tissue waste container and saw that someone from the lab before mine had thrown some paper towels in there. I sighed, held my breath, and reached into the tissue waste bin to grab the paper towels and throw them away properly. One of my students watched me, and thought I was being a bit melodramatic.

Student: Was it really necessary to hold your breath while you did that? It doesn't smell that bad.

Me: It stinks in there. It's disgusting. You'd probably agree with me if you'd ever stuck your head down there and smelled it up close.

Student: Let's see. [Puts her head down by the barrel, sniffs a few times and then comes back up.] Smells like Thailand in there.

Nothin' forbidden, who you kiddin', now that's livin'

It's hard to pay attention to the band you paid to see when you have this at the bar to the side of you.



Many thanks to my European friend of gay chicken fame for taking this picture* for posterity.








*He may be the gay chicken champ, but his appreciation for nice boobies should be evidence enough that he's straight. If that's not enough, his hot wife ought to be.

There are real people in the big big trucks

Mr M: I like trucks.

Me: You do?

Mr M: Yeah. When I'm a grown up, I'm going to buy a truck.

Me: You'll need a job so you can afford to buy one.

Mr M: I'm going to save all my money, and I'll probably have to walk up and down the sidewalk to find more money* and save it too.










*At least he has a strategy for when he can't get a job because he won't learn how to read.

Seal up the book until the time of the end

I'm trying to convince Mr M that he needs to learn how to read, but he's not buying any of it.

Me: Why don't you want to learn how to read?

Mr M: It's boring. You just sit there and don't do anything.

Me: But it doesn't have to be boring. You just have to read about things you like.

Mr M: I don't like anything.

Me: You like monsters don't you?

Mr M: Yeah.

Me: Well, why don't you try to read books about monsters?

Mr M: Because, you can't ever tell if they have monsters in them or not.


Another time:

Mr M: I like Spiderman.

Me: I know you do. You know, there are books about Spiderman. Would you like to read something like that?

Mr M: No. I just like to look at pictures.



Today I was driving with my kids, and I started trying to convince him that he was very close to being able to read. He can sound out all the letters, he just struggles trying to put them all together. Then Togers decided to jump into the conversation.

Togers: The word is antiestablishmentarianism. Get it right next time!

Maybe I've found the root of the problem.

Doesn't matter much to me as long as he's dead

Last night while standing next to one of my students at the earthworm kill station:

Her: Is the earthworm the biggest thing we have to kill this semester?

Me(lying through my teeth): No.

Her: It's not? What else is there?

Me: You have to kill your own fetal pig.

Her (clearly not getting it): Seriously?

Me: Yeah.

Other Students: *Giggling*

Me (deciding to take it way too far): We also dissect a human baby, and you're going to have to kill that yourself too.

Her: Don't say that. My sister just had a baby.

Me: Well then you're in luck! Because of the budget cuts, you're going to have to supply your own, but it looks like you won't have to look very hard. You can just use your sister's.

Her: You're terrible.

Me: Ok, fine. The earthworm is the only thing you have to kill yourself this semester.

His big luscious lips

I have a friend who is from Europe*. As we all know, Europeans are much more tolerant of things than we are here in the good old U. S. of A. My European friend often scoffs at me and my guy friends for being homophobes. Not because we are, but because we don't join in on conversations like the one about how Johnny Depp is so hot that we'd want to sleep with him. We just don't want to sleep with Johnny Depp. That'd be gay**.

To show off his superior tolerance, my friend will periodically fake like he's going to kiss one of us, and then laughs when we back away. Of course, I always back away because while I don't have anything against gay people, I don't want to kiss another dude. That's just the way it is. He's taken to calling*** this game "gay chicken" and brags about how he's the champion.

Now, I'm a fairly competitive guy by nature, but gay chicken is one game I don't mind losing. Why? Because in order to beat him at it, I'd have to kiss him. Totally not worth it. He can be the gay chicken champion for the rest of his life for all I care.

The other day, another friend of mine said something suggestive, and my European friend turned away. That friend turned to me and said, "I think I just beat [European Friend] at gay chicken."

I said, "I'm not sure that's something you should be proud of."

Gay Chicken: Even when you win, you lose!







*I actually have many friends from Europe, but only one that pertains to this story.

**Someone posed a question to me yesterday: Can a man be bi-sexual, or, is he gay the minute he sleeps with another man, regardless of whether he's still attracted to women? I say a guy can be bi. She said it's not possible, that it only works that way for women. Thoughts?

***Or maybe it was me that named the game. I can't remember.

A bunch of large sized baggies with big white rocks inside

Friend 1: It's like my house.

Me: With invalids sitting around everywhere.

Friend 2: Moaning and wheezing.

Me: Popping prescriptions pills all day.

Friend 2: And doing crack. With an eight ball in both ears.

Me: And one in the butt crack.

Friends 1 and 2: . . .

Me: What? They call it the dirty eight ball.

Friend 1: I can't believe you'd say that.

Me: I can't believe you'd do that.

I turn my camera on I cut my fingers on the way

Joshua Tree National Park





Pioneer Town






Salton Sea





Somewhere in California

When you're back in your old neighborhood cigarettes taste so good

Yesterday I received a text from my ex-wife:

Your son just said that I need to exercise more and eat less because I'm getting bigger, not smaller.




I would say I've never been more proud of Mr M, except my ex also sent me this picture the other day:



We are simply the best parents* in the entire world.








*It's fake.

Remember when you didn't have to look ahead or behind you

I've mentioned the phallic root model before. It brings out giggles every semester when it makes its appearance, and last week's lab was no exception.

One of my students asked me to come show her the difference between a couple of things she was supposed to be able to identify through a microscope. While I was trying to find the various things to show to her and giving her explanations, I heard the group of students behind me giggling.

I turned around, and saw them holding the root model and thought nothing more of it.

Until now.

This picture was just emailed to me, and now I know what the giggling was really all about.

The weird divide

I'm looking at the clock, and it's 12:12. I'm still in bed. I have a cold that won't go away, so I figured I'd sleep all morning long and see if that helped. It might have. I may sleep all afternoon just to be sure though.

But that's beside the point*. I bring it up because it reminded me of lunch the other day. When my friend and I had finished, our server brought the bill.

Friend: Hmm. Our bill came to $24.24.

Me: That's interesting. Let's just have him split it.

Friend: Ok.

Me: You take the first twenty-four, and I'll take the second.

Friend: . . .












*Unless the point was to try and get sympathy. Which it might have been. Come on. Give it up.

Things seem better off now, I think I'm better off now

Louis C. K. putting things into perspective.

Naked as a window

Since my life is relatively boring right now, I'm going to take a trip down memory lane to one of my life's most embarrassing moments.

My family moved to the place Flieswithoutwings so lovingly refers to as "Cow Country" near the end of my junior year in high school (you can read about my arrival here). As part of my taking the new school "by storm" I immediately joined the track team. Not because I was fast, mind you, but because I knew it would afford me the opportunity to attend track meets where I could ogle girls and potentially meet up with some of my friends from my old school.

I've talked about this before, but the new town was very small, and we had to ride the bus approximately forty miles of high, winding mountain roads to get to school. The regular bus left right as school got out, but they also ran a smaller bus so that the students who were involved with extracurricular activities could stay after school without forcing their parents to make the long drive to come pick them up. It was called the home-run bus. (How's that for a lame sports analogy?)

One day after track practice, my friends and I were riding home on the home-run bus. There were several girls on the bus as well. Some from the track team, some from the cheerleading squad, and others who had just stayed after to work on homework or to hang out with their friends. I was wearing sweats and boxers. A bad combination it turned out.

At one point I stood up to throw something away, and my friend, "Geppetto" made a motion like he was going to yank my sweat pants down. Knowing that I had on boxers, and firmly entrenched in the belief that boxers were essentially the same thing as shorts, I told him I wouldn't be embarrassed by that. After all, everyone had seen me in shorts* before.

Considering this a challenge, Geppetto yanked on my sweats. Hard. Down came the sweat pants, and along with them, the boxers (like you didn't see that coming). The problem was, I thought the boxers were still up, so it took a few seconds before I made a movement to rectify the situation. After all, I couldn't very well let Geppetto think he'd gotten the better of me, right?

Anyway, by the time I looked down to see Little Minnow and the Boys had come up for air, Geppetto had already burst out laughing hysterically. Everyone else on the bus had turned around to see what all the commotion was about. A girl on the seat right in front of where I was standing turned around, and literally almost got a face full of my junk. Seriously, she was about six inches away**. I'll simply name her Lucky since she was the first girl to see my penis. Another girl, who we always referred to as the Floating Head, also turned around in time to see everything.

Of course, all of this happened in the span of about five seconds, and I reached down and pulled up my pants as quickly as I could once I realized exactly what had happened. I then proceeded to repeatedly punch Geppetto for his actions. He laughed the whole time and just said he probably deserved it.

Lucky and the Floating Head were beet red, but I didn't let that stop me from trying to play it off.

I said, "[Lucky], [Floating Head], you each owe me $50."

They never paid up.









*And I do have me some sexy legs (or so I've been told).

**Had the bus driver hit the brakes, I may have received my first BJ right then and there.

Some have to fight, forced onto sides, heroes will rise

Today at lunch a group of people left a huge mess on the table next to us. All but one of them left the restaurant, and the girl working the counter had to come out and clean up the mess. As she did so, one member of the group came back inside.

Guy (in the most pretentious voice you can imagine): Ma'am, I would like to apologize for the mess, but I'd also like you to know that I wasn't the only one that left it. Those other people I was with, they fled the scene, but they were guilty. I just wanted to record to show that I was not solely responsible for the mess you're having to clean up. I'd also like to apologize for leaving my bag right here in your way [he reaches down near her feet, picks up a computer bag and almost knocks her over with it], let me get that. Again, I apologize for the mess. Even though it wasn't me.

During his monologue, I got up to grab some more napkins, then sat back down at our table.

My Friend: Oh. I was kind of hoping you were getting up to go punch that guy in the face.

Me: I was kind of hoping that too.

Black dog beside me

Friend: I drove by the park today and it was packed.

Me: Was there some big event there or something?

Friend: No. Just all kinds of people out enjoying the nice weather and walking their dogs and stuff. I guess I would be too.

Me: If you had a dog. But you don't.

Friend: Two words: Chick magnet.

Me: True. But only for chicks who love dogs. And do you really want one of those? I'm not sure I do.

Friend: But, you've got it all wrong. You don't have to take them home. You just wait for them to bend down to pet your dog, and that's when you put it in.


Maybe it's time to start borrowing my roommate's dog.