Saturday marked the second time I've participated in an annual horseshoe tournament put on by a friend of a friend. Like last year, I had a great time. Unlike last year, my team (Whore'z Shoooz) didn't make it as far. We finished somewhere in the middle of the pack (30 teams total), but outlasted the champs of the previous two years, so that was almost like winning the whole thing. Almost. Ok, not really.
A few highlights of the day:
- The host lit off fireworks during the singing of the National Anthem, surprising everybody, including my friend who was singing. The song ended with the sound of jets flying over being blared from the speakers as well. A little while later, police arrived on the scene to investigate reports of shots being fired.
- I met a girl from Chicago who knows, and hangs out with, a couple members of Wilco. She took down my contact information to give them in case they come to Vegas again. I'm sure nothing will come of it, but it would be pretty cool if it did.
- My partner was showing me a scar he got on his calf while he was mountain biking a few weeks ago:
Him: I should've gotten stitches on that, but that's ok. Chicks dig scars, right?
Me: That's what they say, but if you really want to know, ask some. There are a few right there.
Me (to a group of girls): Can you guys answer a question for my friend here? He wants to know if it's really true that chicks dig scars.
Girl: That depends. Not if it's some kind of horrible disfigurement across your face.
- Since I was the only one not drinking, a friend and his wife asked if I could drive a few of them to go get some food. We took his Jeep to the drive-through at Sonic:
Two 13 year old girls: We love your mohawk!
Friend: Thanks! I love you too!
Me (to his wife): Uh oh. Are you feeling threatened?
Friend's Wife: Not by two 13 year olds. That'd be illegal.
Friend: Not necessarily. If I do them both at the same time they'd be 26.
- One girl told me I look like Taylor Hicks.
Me: I don't know who Taylor Hicks is.
Her: He's from American Idol.
Me: That's why. I don't watch that show.
Her: Sing me a song.
Me: I can't. I don't know what he sings.
Her: Sing anything. It doesn't matter.
Me: My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R . . .
- My friends, a married couple, were one of the last six teams standing. Despite being up on their opponent 15 to 5, they ended up losing the match. The husband was quite upset after that.
Someone: Cheer up. It's not that bad.
Him: In order to do that, I'll need to squeeze the head off a small child. Well, any small mammal will do.
Me: I don't think they have any pets, so you're out of luck.
Him: Not even a goldfish? I could cut the face off a goldfish with some scissors.
Me: I don't think so, but I'll tell you what, if that's what you need, I'll drive you down to Wal-Mart and we can buy you a few goldfish.
Him: I'm going to need at least a dozen.
- After the games were over, a few of the people who came in from New York wanted to go out and gamble.
Guy 1: I want to go play cards. Who wants to go play cards?
Goldfish Hater: I don't. That's for homosexual tourists.
Me (to Guy 1): So by all means, go ahead.
A few lowlights of the day:
- Whore'z Shoooz got knocked out after four games. Both losses were close, we just couldn't pull it out at the end. Our elimination game was 10 to 9 and the opposing team hit a ringer to end it. I liked that girl before too, but hate her now. Her husband too.
- Since I was the only one sober enough to drive, I ended up driving people to the liquor store a couple of times. I think in all there were three kegs consumed, along with two gallons of Jagermeister. That's not a typo. My partner started referring to me as 'beer bitch'.
- Some of the ladies (including the hottest girl there) set up a Slip 'n Slide, and said they were going to go on it nude at 9:05, then never did.
- I got stuck talking to a drunk girl in the kitchen without a way to escape. She went on and on about her ex-husband and how he cheated on her, about how her daughter didn't respect her step-mom, and blah, blah, blah, for about 30 minutes. Apparently someone thought I was hitting on her and her boyfriend eventually came in and pulled her away (I never got a chance to thank him for that). After that, I told my friend that if she saw me talking to her again, to come and save me.
- I drove a group of people back to their hotel, and a guy stuck his head out the window and puked. Luckily, none of it got in the car, but I still had to stand in the street at my friend's house and hose it off at three o'clock in the morning.
- Finally crawling into bed at 3:46 a.m.
12 comments:
Last time I was a designated driver they had some kind of concoction made up of alcohol with fruit in it. I think they called it Jungle Juice. This guy didn't drink....but he did eat a lot of fruit, got drunker than a skunk and puked EVERYWHERE on the way home. He didn't know he was eating alcohol. hee hee
The worst part was the girl with me he had a huge crush on...and it was her car. Nothing ever came between them. :)
Wow, 3 kegs and 2 gals of Jaig...I wanna come party with your friends...
Hmm... someone's been to the Forum Shops one too many times, hasn't he? (jk It actually deserves some props ::props::)
P.S. And no, it's not like actually being in Rome
:P
Its hard to be sober around drunk people so I usually dont try that myself, I mean I hang out with drunk people at the bars but usually I like being one of them.
I don't mind being a designated driver - I used to work in a bar, so seeing people go from normal, to tipsy, to rowdy, to falling down and peeing their pants drunk has always been funny. But then it makes me think "God, I used to do that..."
Your party sounded a blast, I dont think I would have participated in the horseshoes that much, but having you as my beer bitch would have been cool.
That sounds like quite a party.
Cutting a goldfish's face off with SCISSORS???? Now that's taking bad sportsmanship a bit far. For some reason that disturbs me more than squeezing the head off a small child....geez maybe I'm the one with the problem.
bless your heart, sugar! i think, if i'd been the DD for that party, i'd still be drunk/hungover (after soberly driving myself home, of course!) xox
ok so if you look like Taylor then I might need to see a picture. But then you need to have the sweet charming personality to go with it, but looks is a start. :)
Hosing down your car at 3:00 a.m is the biggest buzz kill I can think of. So is being called Taylor Hicks. :-)
Epitome, I don't believe that guy didn't know there was something going on with the fruit. There's no way it tastes the same if it's full of alcohol. That is a funny story though.
Ver Girl, you had your chance ;-)
Anomalie, I was hard pressed to come up with a name, so we did that one in about two minutes. If I had it to do over I'd have called our team 'Sons of Pitches' but that'll have to wait until next year.
Bill, I'm always the sober one around drunk people. I don't mind unless they start getting real loud and obnoxious. Even then it depends on the venue.
Simon, being beer bitch isn't so bad when the liquor store's less than a mile down the street. Being DD kind of sucks sometimes (like when you're car's getting puked on, or in), but it's far better than people risking it themselves.
Gypsy, if you knew this guy, that would be even more shocking. He was saying this stuff to be funny, but this was seriously the most upset I've ever seen him. His wife said the same thing. She was excited about the prospect of having angry sex with him for the first time in their relationship. He just doesn't get mad. Ever. The fact that it was a horseshoe tournament that did it is even funnier.
Savannah, It definitely took me a while to recover from lack of sleep.
Valerie, I'm glad that someone is a fan of Taylor Hicks, but being told you look like him can hardly be counted as a compliment, can it?
Boxer, I rest my case to Valerie.
you need to start drinkin', ya pussy.
great report! thanks for giving us both the highlights and the lowlights. Otherwise we might think your life was all glitz and glamor.
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