A girl I know recently had to speak at a wedding for which she was the maid of honor. She still hadn't figured out what she was going to say the night before the wedding, and asked me for some tips. I gave her a few, and have decided to list them here as well. You know, in case any of you know someone who is preparing to tie the knot.
- You probably shouldn't bring up the long string of ex-girlfriends that have been left behind by the groom, or the many ex-boyfriends the bride's had.
- It's not proper to talk about how you never thought the bride would get married because of how psychotic she acts.
- Don't mention the fact that you saw the bride leaving a pay-by-the-hour motel room with the best man last week.
- Wedding guests don't need to hear about the time when the bride had a judge issue a restraining order for the groom's father.
- The groom's hatred for the bride's mother should remain unspoken on this day.
- Avoid bringing up the time when the bride/groom hit on you at a holiday party.
- No mention of the groom's methamphetamine addiction should be made. Nor that of his fondness for prostitutes.
- Under absolutely no circumstances will a joke about STDs be successful.
- If you see the groom's other wife and children in the audience, don't single them out. They didn't come to be embarrassed.