Saturday, January 03, 2009

A broke back wreck with a ball and chain

A girl I know recently had to speak at a wedding for which she was the maid of honor. She still hadn't figured out what she was going to say the night before the wedding, and asked me for some tips. I gave her a few, and have decided to list them here as well. You know, in case any of you know someone who is preparing to tie the knot.

- You probably shouldn't bring up the long string of ex-girlfriends that have been left behind by the groom, or the many ex-boyfriends the bride's had.

- It's not proper to talk about how you never thought the bride would get married because of how psychotic she acts.

- Don't mention the fact that you saw the bride leaving a pay-by-the-hour motel room with the best man last week.

- Wedding guests don't need to hear about the time when the bride had a judge issue a restraining order for the groom's father.

- The groom's hatred for the bride's mother should remain unspoken on this day.

- Avoid bringing up the time when the bride/groom hit on you at a holiday party.

- No mention of the groom's methamphetamine addiction should be made. Nor that of his fondness for prostitutes.

- Under absolutely no circumstances will a joke about STDs be successful.

- If you see the groom's other wife and children in the audience, don't single them out. They didn't come to be embarrassed.

You're welcome!


Epitome of Sweetness said...

You forgot the classic conversation from my wedding about what the bride is gooing to name the baby and to not give carseats as a wedding gift. :)

Anonymous said...

You know Minnow, the world would be a finer place if we all had friends such as yourself to give us such sage advice :)

steph said...

come on, everyone loves a good STD joke!

SuperSTD said...

Why did the Chlamydia leave the groom? To get to the other bride...

BSH ADMIN said...

I went to a wedding last year where the bride's father started his cringe-inducing speech with a story about how his "little girl" was dating 2 guys at once many years ago. And she dumped one to be with the other, and "ha ha ha" isn't it funny that's she married the guy she dumped??

Then he said something like "and she loves J. most of all because of his big... [hideous pause and wink] HEART!"

I don't know if I've ever felt so uncomfortable.

Bunny Hugger said...

is that why I don't get invited to weddings anymore?