Do you wanna dance? Will you wear my ring?

My youngest sister got married last weekend. I couldn't leave until Friday morning because I had to administer an exam on Thursday night, so it was a shorter trip than I would've liked, but you do what you can. It was nice to see all the family members that made it, even if I didn't get to visit with many of them as much as I would have liked. My kids and I spent a lot of time in the car (as usual - they're going to have such rotten memories of all the road trips with their dad).

Unfortunately for my sister, it rained all afternoon and evening. Luckily, her reception was indoors, and the place still looked nice.



The roses probably looked even better with the raindrops on them anyway.



My sister was such a beautiful bride. And my nieces made such cute little flower girls. The youngest one started running around and picking up the rose petals that the older one had scattered around and putting them back in her bucket. It was so cute.





Here's a picture of my sister holding the youngest flower girl later. Probably the only really good photo I took all night.



From a more selfish perspective, all her bridesmaids were either married already, or had boyfriends, so I asked her, "Would it be bad if I ditched your wedding reception and went to the one next door to see if there are any hot bridesmaids over there?" She encouraged me to go ahead, but alas, I couldn't bring myself to channel my inner wedding crasher, so I just stayed at my sister's reception.

Don't worry, I made up for it afterward when I took my children for a nice post-wedding family dinner at Hooter's.

Hola, my good friend

A few weeks ago, my friends and I got some free sombreros while we were out on a Friday night. Mine has been in my car ever since.

Even this weekend, with the trunk full of bags for our weekend trip to my sister's wedding, the sombrero has stayed in the car. Togers was going to wear it to the wedding reception, but forgot.

Yesterday, on our way to my parents' house, Tortellini put it on.



She joked, "If I wore this in Arizona, we'd get pulled over."

Not only that, she'd probably also be deported since she has no form of identification yet.

She thinks she's the passionate one

Last night there was a bachelorette party at the table next to us at the bar. They were playing some sort of dice game where they needed to do certain things with certain types of people. A half hour or so after they started I heard someone call out to me.

"Are you tall?"

"Yeah, I'm tall."

"Good. Can you come here for a second?"

Then the bachelorette grabbed my hand and started singing to me: "I don't want anybody else, when I think about you I touch myself*."

Apparently the dice told her she needed to sing to a tall guy. I was happy to offer my services.

About an hour later, she walked back over to the table.

"I need a tall guy again. You're my trusty tall guy. You're the one I can sing to. Can you help me again?"

"Sure, no problem."

"Now I'm supposed to do a shot with a tall guy. Will you do a shot with me?"

"Uh, okay."

"What do you want?"

"I don't know. Just get whatever you want. I don't drink."

"You don't drink? What do you mean you don't drink?"

"I mean I don't drink. I've only done a shot once. Twice if you count sake. This will be the third shot I've ever taken in my life."

"We're going to do a Jager Bomb."

So I did a Jager bomb** with her. Who am I do deny a dying*** woman her last wish?

My friend is convinced that I could've made out with her last night. Looking at some pictures that another friend texted me of the event, I think he might be right. She was hanging on me for a little while afterward, posing for pictures and whatnot. I didn't make out with her though. I only gave her a kiss on the cheek.

I'm classy, yo.








*Remember Divinyls?

**It was terrible - don't worry, I'm not going to start drinking.

***Dying, getting married, same diff.

A broke back wreck with a ball and chain

A girl I know recently had to speak at a wedding for which she was the maid of honor. She still hadn't figured out what she was going to say the night before the wedding, and asked me for some tips. I gave her a few, and have decided to list them here as well. You know, in case any of you know someone who is preparing to tie the knot.

- You probably shouldn't bring up the long string of ex-girlfriends that have been left behind by the groom, or the many ex-boyfriends the bride's had.

- It's not proper to talk about how you never thought the bride would get married because of how psychotic she acts.

- Don't mention the fact that you saw the bride leaving a pay-by-the-hour motel room with the best man last week.

- Wedding guests don't need to hear about the time when the bride had a judge issue a restraining order for the groom's father.

- The groom's hatred for the bride's mother should remain unspoken on this day.

- Avoid bringing up the time when the bride/groom hit on you at a holiday party.

- No mention of the groom's methamphetamine addiction should be made. Nor that of his fondness for prostitutes.

- Under absolutely no circumstances will a joke about STDs be successful.

- If you see the groom's other wife and children in the audience, don't single them out. They didn't come to be embarrassed.



You're welcome!

You can go ahead and get married and this'll be our secret thing

I attended the most ridiculous wedding ever over the weekend. I wish that words could do it justice, but there's no possible way that they can. Regardless, here are some highlights of the day:

- Two Elvis impersonators sang at the wedding ceremony, which in turn was held in a Vegas wedding chapel.

- The "limo" that transported everyone from the hotel to the chapel and back had not one, but two, stripper poles. They were put to use.

- A real live porn actress was in attendance. She looked like she had a lot of miles on her, but I still would've. Well, except for two things: 1) I ain't got no game, and 2) two of my sisters were there. It was probably more 1 than 2.

- A tour bus slowed to a nearly complete stop so its passengers could take pictures of us while we were taking pictures of ourselves at the Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas sign.

- Someone pointed out that I looked "like a young Bill Clinton" and the bride promptly offered to be my Monica. I said, "Finally, having Bill Clinton as a doppelganger has paid off. Does anyone have a cigar?" Then I apologized to the groom. He said it was unnecessary.

- I overheard someone say, "It's not incest if you only think about it."

- Everyone was told to wear gaudy Vegas attire, so several people, myself included, wore outfits purchased at a store called 'Players' although it could just as easily have been called 'Pimps'. But don't take my word for it, see for yourself:




I wish I could post more pictures, but I don't know how the others would feel about it.

In some respects I suspect you've got a respectable side

Friend: If I were to ever get married again, I think I'd just have the colors be white and black because that way the bridesmaids could all look hot in their black dresses, but they could also wear them again, and the bride would stand out in white.

Me: And all the groomsmen could wear tuxes, and that would be classy as all fuck.

I'm so tired of acting tough and I'm gonna' do as I please, let's get married

Last night I went to a wedding. I've known the couple for as long as I've lived in Vegas, and they're two of the grooviest people I've ever met. As such, their wedding was unconventional, and a LOT of fun. This couple has fully embraced the ridiculousness of Las Vegas, and worked that into the wedding ceremony. As guests arrived, they were asked to pick some costume items off a table to dress in long enough for someone to snap a polaroid picture (items included a feather boa, handcuffs, light sabres, clown noses, fake glasses, fake sideburns, dunce caps, etc.). Right next to the "costume" table was perhaps the best ice sculpture I have ever seen at a wedding.



They were married by the bride's brother-in-law, who happened to be dressed as Elvis. He even sang a few Elvis songs. There was also a little Elvis in attendance. I believe he was part of the bride's family, but am not completely sure about that. It wouldn't really be a Vegas wedding if Elvis wasn't involved somehow, and normally I would think that was tacky, but it was perfect for these two. I heard a rumor that they went to the junkyard with all the old neon signs from casinos to take some of their wedding pictures. I wouldn't be surprised at all to see that. They also gave out decks of used playing cards. A few of us played blackjack at the beginning of the reception.

Since the couple has been living together for quite some time, they said that they didn't need any gifts. In lieu of bringing a gift for them, they asked people to make a charitable donation in the amount that they would have spent. I thought that was a fantastic idea. Keeping this in mind, take a look at the center piece that was on my table at the reception:



The happy couple's first dance was to Dr. Bernice by Cracker. It's a great song, but the lyrics aren't exactly what you'd call "first dance" material:

Baby don't you drive around with Dr. Bernice
She's not a lady doctor at all
She's got hands like a man
With hair on the back
She'll crush you in her embrace

Though the wind may whisper and moan sometimes
We all need a kind place to live
Though the wind may whisper and howl at your door
We all need the comfort of friends

Baby don't you drive around with Dr. Bernice
That ain't a real Cadillac
It's a Delta 88 spray painted black
With fake leather seats from Juarez

Though the wind may whisper and moan sometimes
On a hot desert night it is still
Though the world may whisper and howl at your door
You're not obliged to let them all in

Baby don't you ride in that faux Cadillac
If you must please ride in the back
If you sing while you ride you'll be a siren tonight
Spare this poor sailor's life from the rocks

Though the wind may whisper a melody now
We can't find a tune of our own
Though the world may whisper and blow in your face
And tangle the hair on your head

On a hot desert night we can drive down the road
And the stars will spell out your name
On a hot desert night with the windows down wide
The sirens will sing me their song

And the ghost of the sailors who died on the rocks
Feel not a twinge of regret
Though the wind may tangle the hair on your head
You sing like a siren to me

On a hot desert night the caravan stops
At the oasis next to your heart
The soundtrack is played by some aged British Queen
On BBC radio world

Though the wind may whisper an epic sometime
The cast must include Karen Black
Though the symphony strings shift with the sands
You sing like a siren to me
You sing like a siren to me
You sing like a siren . . . to me.

However, it fit them perfectly. I honestly don't know if they could have picked a better song.

Here's wishing them all the happiness in the world in their life together.