I dressed up as Bill Clinton for Halloween. Alas, I didn't have someone with me dressed as Monica, but I did buy some cigars and rented a pretty cool saxophone to complete the outfit. The costume was a smashing success judging by the number of people who commented.
I went with a few friends to Fremont Street. We parked the car, and walked past the Greyhound bus station where all the crackheads called out to me: "Hey Bill! Tell me the truth, did you inhale?" I wanted to tell them, "No, and you shouldn't have either," but instead said, "I did just once, but don't tell anybody." The crackheads really seemed to love that. They would.
As soon as we stepped onto the pedestrian walkway, a go-go dancer spotted me, stopped dancing and called out to me. My friends told me I should have gone up and posed for a picture with her, but I didn't feel like maneuvering my way through the crowd. In hindsight, I kind of regret it, because she was hot. Oh well.
After that, my friends made me walk ahead of them so that they could watch people react to seeing me. I couldn't walk ten feet without someone calling out to me to say something. "Hey, Bill! I'd vote for you again right now if I could." "Bill, where's Monica?" But perhaps my favorite was when someone came up to Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend and said, "We know he didn't inhale, but did you swallow?" I guess it didn't matter that she wasn't dressed up as Monica, she got to be my Monica anyway.
It was a small taste of what it'd probably be like to be a celebrity. I probably had thirty people ask me to pose for pictures with them. One guy asked if I'd take a picture with his wife, but then asked if "I could put a little something on her blue collar." I posed for a picture with another guy only to look down after his friend snapped the shot to see that a girl had snuck into the frame and acted like she was performing oral on me. Another time I started to walk off after posing for a picture with one lady, but she grabbed my arm and asked for another one, and added "Only this time, could you place the cigar 'down there?'" Shortly after that I accidentally broke my cigar in half. Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend didn't have much sympathy: "That's what you get for being disgusting."
I posed for a picture with a religious guy who was holding a sign that read "Sexual sin leads to Satan." His wasn't meant to be a costume, but he seemed to appreciate the humor.
Another guy was holding a sign with questions written on it, and asked me if I wanted to take an IQ test. I agreed to, so he asked me to read the questions and then answer them.
Q1: How many of each animal did Moses have on the ark?
My Answer: Two.
His Answer: Wrong. Moses didn't take any animals on the ark, it was Noah.
(I decided to pay closer attention to the questions after that - After all, I couldn't allow myself to fail an IQ test.)
Him: Spell the word silk.
Q2: What do cows drink?
My Answer: Water.
Him: Alright, good job.
Q3: Is it ever possible to end a sentence with the word "the"?
My Answer: Yes. You just did.
Him: Wow, good job, Bill. I'm impressed.
There were more questions than that, but I don't remember what they were. I did get them all right. He complimented me on doing so well. I said, "Well, you don't get to be president if you can't get shit like this correct."
Then he started preaching to me.
Him: Bill, have you ever lied?
Me: No. Well, there was that one time, about the whole Lewinsky thing.
Him: Have you ever stolen anything?
Him: Never? Not even something when you were a little kid?
Me: Nope. You don't get to be president with skeletons like that in your closet.
Him: Have you ever lusted after a woman?
Me: Alright, you got me. Five times.
Him: So by your own admission, you've broken some of God's ten commandments. Do you think you're getting into Heaven?
Me: Yeah, I do.
Him: What makes you think so?
Me: I'm Bill Clinton.
Then I walked away.
All in all, it was a fun night. I left Fremont Street early to go watch a movie at my house with Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend. I thought we'd watch something scary, you know, it being Halloween and all, but when we got to my house she didn't want to see the one I'd rented (Drag Me To Hell), and asked if we could look for something different on HBO On Demand. I thought there would be something like Nightmare Before Christmas, or Coraline, but there wasn't and we ended up watching Marley and Me. And that might be the scariest thing of all. According to my friend, the fact that I watched a "romantic" movie on Halloween indicates that I have a ball and chain even if neither of us admit to it.