Trick or treat 'til the neighbors gonna die of fright

Mr M wanted to dress up as a zombie for Halloween this year.  Some friends of mine said they had a zombie costume that their son wore a few years ago that I could borrow, so I didn't put a lot of effort into making one for Mr M.  Until yesterday, when they said they'd looked everywhere and couldn't find it.

Not wanting Mr M to be the only one in his class that didn't dress up for the Halloween party at school*, I had to start scrambling to put something together.  I called my ex-wife and said that she should start looking around for old clothes that we could tear up and cover with fake blood and mud or something.

Then Togers got an idea:  Mr M has an army jacket with a 'zombie killer' patch.  Togers suggested that Mr M wear torn and bloody clothes, but wear that jacket too, so it would be like he was a zombie killer that got overpowered and turned into a zombie himself.

Mr M nixed that idea.

When asked why he didn't want to do that he simply said, "A normal zombie would have more dignity."












*After my ex-wife drove him all the way to my house so we could go pick out some fake blood and make-up, Mr M informed us that he wasn't going to dress up for school anyway, just for trick-or-treating later, so the "scrambling" was done in vain anyway.

Here he comes again, my evil twin

I dressed up as Bill Clinton for Halloween. Alas, I didn't have someone with me dressed as Monica, but I did buy some cigars and rented a pretty cool saxophone to complete the outfit. The costume was a smashing success judging by the number of people who commented.

I went with a few friends to Fremont Street. We parked the car, and walked past the Greyhound bus station where all the crackheads called out to me: "Hey Bill! Tell me the truth, did you inhale?" I wanted to tell them, "No, and you shouldn't have either," but instead said, "I did just once, but don't tell anybody." The crackheads really seemed to love that. They would.

As soon as we stepped onto the pedestrian walkway, a go-go dancer spotted me, stopped dancing and called out to me. My friends told me I should have gone up and posed for a picture with her, but I didn't feel like maneuvering my way through the crowd. In hindsight, I kind of regret it, because she was hot. Oh well.

After that, my friends made me walk ahead of them so that they could watch people react to seeing me. I couldn't walk ten feet without someone calling out to me to say something. "Hey, Bill! I'd vote for you again right now if I could." "Bill, where's Monica?" But perhaps my favorite was when someone came up to Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend and said, "We know he didn't inhale, but did you swallow?" I guess it didn't matter that she wasn't dressed up as Monica, she got to be my Monica anyway.

It was a small taste of what it'd probably be like to be a celebrity. I probably had thirty people ask me to pose for pictures with them. One guy asked if I'd take a picture with his wife, but then asked if "I could put a little something on her blue collar." I posed for a picture with another guy only to look down after his friend snapped the shot to see that a girl had snuck into the frame and acted like she was performing oral on me. Another time I started to walk off after posing for a picture with one lady, but she grabbed my arm and asked for another one, and added "Only this time, could you place the cigar 'down there?'" Shortly after that I accidentally broke my cigar in half. Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend didn't have much sympathy: "That's what you get for being disgusting."

I posed for a picture with a religious guy who was holding a sign that read "Sexual sin leads to Satan." His wasn't meant to be a costume, but he seemed to appreciate the humor.

Another guy was holding a sign with questions written on it, and asked me if I wanted to take an IQ test. I agreed to, so he asked me to read the questions and then answer them.

Q1: How many of each animal did Moses have on the ark?
My Answer: Two.
His Answer: Wrong. Moses didn't take any animals on the ark, it was Noah.
(I decided to pay closer attention to the questions after that - After all, I couldn't allow myself to fail an IQ test.)

Him: Spell the word silk.
Me: S-i-l-k
Q2: What do cows drink?
My Answer: Water.
Him: Alright, good job.

Q3: Is it ever possible to end a sentence with the word "the"?
My Answer: Yes. You just did.
Him: Wow, good job, Bill. I'm impressed.

There were more questions than that, but I don't remember what they were. I did get them all right. He complimented me on doing so well. I said, "Well, you don't get to be president if you can't get shit like this correct."

Then he started preaching to me.

Him: Bill, have you ever lied?
Me: No. Well, there was that one time, about the whole Lewinsky thing.
Him: Have you ever stolen anything?
Me: No.
Him: Never? Not even something when you were a little kid?
Me: Nope. You don't get to be president with skeletons like that in your closet.
Him: Have you ever lusted after a woman?
Me: Alright, you got me. Five times.
Him: So by your own admission, you've broken some of God's ten commandments. Do you think you're getting into Heaven?
Me: Yeah, I do.
Him: What makes you think so?
Me: I'm Bill Clinton.

Then I walked away.

All in all, it was a fun night. I left Fremont Street early to go watch a movie at my house with Girl Who Won't Be My Girlfriend. I thought we'd watch something scary, you know, it being Halloween and all, but when we got to my house she didn't want to see the one I'd rented (Drag Me To Hell), and asked if we could look for something different on HBO On Demand. I thought there would be something like Nightmare Before Christmas, or Coraline, but there wasn't and we ended up watching Marley and Me. And that might be the scariest thing of all. According to my friend, the fact that I watched a "romantic" movie on Halloween indicates that I have a ball and chain even if neither of us admit to it.

I've got a bad idea tonight, I've got a Halloweenhead

Still looking for that perfect costume idea? It's a bad idea to go as Hitler, so go ahead and scratch that one off your list.

Instead, you can try to go as what my friend told me I should go as: a sucker perpetrator.

Yeah, I don't know how that would look either.

Little ghost little ghost the one I'm scared of the most

Do you have stuff to hand out to trick-or-treaters this year? I always pick out some of my favorites, just in case nobody comes by and I have to polish it off myself. Here's a sampling of what the kids will get to choose from when they come to my place.

For the young 'uns
- bananas
- old gum
- ramen
- Cheerios
- 8 track tapes
- Chia pet

For the older kids
- porn
- nuclear warheads
- swine flu
- crack cocaine
- the clap
- severed heads

If you're not lurking behind every curtain

Here's my list of failed Halloween costumes, and the reasons why I didn't go with them.

Pau Gasol


I'm incapable of growing a neck beard.

Bill Phelps: Michael Phelps estranged step-brother


I don't have a "good" enough body to show off, plus I'm not hung like there's a cucumber in my speedo.

Minotaur


I couldn't find a battle-ax.

Lance Armstrong


I have both of my testicles.

Pedophile Cowboy


Didn't want to have to bother with finding a molester van to drive around.

Altar Boy: First Communion


I didn't want to have to constantly look over my shoulder to make sure Pedophile Cowboy wasn't trying to stick something up my butthole*.

Trick or Treat Octopus


I couldn't find a pumpkin.






*That's especially for the anonymous comment from the other day.

Burn through the witches

This year for Halloween there were Super Heroes:


Super Villains:



And Rock Stars:


With awesome tattoos:


Stay tuned for failed costume ideas.

Do it and do it again

Silentkid: There was a guy there last night who was older than my dad. I looked over at him and should've said, "Hey, what are you doin' here?" There were only like four girls in the whole place.

Me: You should've hit on that one girl.

Silenkid: What one girl? The refreshment girl? The one I was staring at all night?

Me: I don't know. What was she wearing?

Silentkid: Something red, with a little cape.

Me: Yeah, that one.

Silentkid: She was flirting with a gay pirate.

Me: What you should've done was tapped the gay pirate on the shoulder and said, "Mind if I cut in?" and then put it in her butt.

Silentkid: Just like that.

Me: Yup. I wonder how long it'd take you to finish if you're raping someone in public.

Silentkid: That is a good question. I don't know.

Me: There's really only one way to find out.

You know that dying is fine but maybe I wouldn't like death if death were good

This week the students are dissecting starfish. I explained to them that the easiest way to do things was to forget the scalpel and just use scissors. Later, one of them drew this on the board:



Awesome! Poor Patrick Star doesn't even know what's coming.

In a later lab, a student was digging around in the bucket trying to get the last starfish out. Instead, he dropped the tongs into a bucketful of preservative and starfish juice. He didn't want to fish the tongs out because he said it was too gross. I told the rest of the class that it was close to Halloween anyway, so the rest of them were going to have to bob for starfish. Oddly enough, that didn't get the party started.

You're a rocket queen oh yeah, I might be too much but honey you're a bit obscene

I went to a Halloween party on Saturday, and dressed up as Axl Rose. I took the wig, bandana and hat off as soon as I got in my car to leave, and left them there when I got home.

Sunday I took my kids for a drive out to Hoover Dam. As we came back into town we stopped to get some dinner. The kids thought it'd be funny to each take one item and wear it into the restaurant: Tortellini donned the wig, Togers put on the hat, and Mr M was left with the bandana, but he didn't want to wear it.

"No, [Togers]. I wanna wear the gay cop hat."

They all traded items so that Tortellini wore the bandana, Togers wore the wig, and Mr M wore the "gay cop hat". Everybody seemed happy with the new arrangement. It might be time to start worrying about the boys.

There is blood on our hands again

I've mentioned on here before about how I can be a heartless bastard. If you don't believe me, one of the deeds I performed in order to complete my Halloween costume should prove it.

I killed a teddy bear.

I didn't go for an easy painless death either. I cut its head right off. That's right, I'm going to Hell for sure.



Take a closer look at its headless corpse (which is still in my room):



One of my friends told me that I have cotton on my hands.

I kind of feel like the terrorists that attacked Imagination Land *.





*(watch until there are 9 minutes left if you don't know what I'm talking about.)

I've got a bad idea tonight, I've got a Halloweenhead

Trick-or-Treater: Hey Mister, what are you supposed to be?
Me: A bear in a suit, kid. I'm just a bear in a suit.

In case you're wondering what goes on in a day of the life of a bear in a suit, well, you're in luck. It pretty much consists of what you'd expect from a bear. You know, the usual stuff, like scratching:



Blogging:


Teaching:


Playing video poker:


Shooting pool:


And of course, shedding some light onto an age old question:

Who is this irresistable creature who has an insatiable love for the dead?

Well, if you hadn't noticed, today is Halloween. Here's a pile of YouTube videos. See if you can guess the theme.

Band of Horses: Is there a ghost


Tegan and Sara: Walking with a ghost


Spoon: The Ghost of You Lingers


Ok Go: Oh lately it's so quiet


Oingo Boingo: Insanity


Rob Zombie: Living Dead Girl


The White Stripes: Little Ghost:

Pumpkins scream in the dead of night

Even though Halloween is my second favorite holiday (behind Christmas), I haven't carved a pumpkin since the last Halloween I spent living with my kids six years ago. The reason is that I'm never home on the night of Halloween, and jack 'o lanterns seem like something you only do if you're going to be handing out candy.

Well, this year is different. I couldn't resist picking up a couple of pumpkins to carve last night with a friend of mine. However, I need some help deciding whose pumpkin turned out better.

Pumpkin A:

Pumpkin B:

Bragging rights are on the line.

She drags his body to the edge of the swollen river wrapped in a red velvet curtain stolen from the movie theater where she works

As you well know, Halloween is just around the corner, and anybody who has ever seen a horror movie knows that this is the time of year when friends and loved ones become possessed by evil spirits and become homicidal. When this happens, you will have no other choice but to kill your friends and/or loved ones who become possessed. Of course, we live in a time when the police generally don't buy the excuse that you had to commit murder because the victim was possessed (after all, this is 2007, and that excuse is sooo 1692), so, you're going to have to dispose of the body yourself in order to avoid a life in prison.

You could try dumping the body by the roadside, but really that's the lazy man's way of disposal. Plus, it's very likely that the body will be found within a very short period of time. Once the body's been found, the police are going to start investigating things and will eventually find their way back to you. Especially since it's real easy for someone to see you push the body out of your car. You really should be more careful.

You'd probably be better off weighting the body down and throwing it into the deepest body of water within driving distance. On second thought, that didn't seem to work out so well for Scott Peterson, so maybe you should try other options.

You could always place the body in your bathtub and then fill the tub with acid. The only problem with this is that it's going to take a while for everything to dissolve. You most certainly couldn't have anyone over to the house for a while. This is obviously a bad move if you don't live alone, or if you only have one bathroom. If you go that long without bathing yourself then people are going to talk. They may even send a plumber to your house if you get smelling too bad, so you really ought to think this out more.

Burning the body in your back yard is probably not going to be a good choice because surely the putrid stench of burning flesh and hair is going to give the neighbors cause for concern. They may even call the fire department, and the last thing you want is a bunch of nosy firemen snooping around.

A good way to dispose of the body is to feed it to the hogs. Of course, in order to do this, you have to own some hogs. This in and of itself would give people reason to suspect you of foul play. Also, hogs can't digest teeth or human hair, so you'd need to either get rid of those before, or sift through the pig shit so that nobody else finds them. Last I checked, the police could still use dental records and/or DNA to ID the victim.

Alternatively, you could bury the body in your basement. That would most certainly cut down on the risk of being seen by someone and getting turned in. However, that bag of lyme you bought at the hardware store will only help with the smell of decomposition so much. Not only that, but you can also never, ever sell your house, because if you do, sure enough the new owners will start poking around when they notice the dirt floor in the basement, and then the police will be knocking on the door of your new house.

Yup, if you find it necessary to bury the body, you're better off burying it somewhere in the forest (or desert - whichever is most convenient). This way you can still sell the house if you ever get the urge to move (which you probably will because you'll be haunted by the ghost of your recently deceased friend or loved one). Of course, you'll need to make sure that you dig a deep enough grave that wild animals won't dig it up. Unless you own some heavy farm equipment, that's going to be a lot of manual labor. I'll leave that one up to you. After all, it's your back.

On second thought, maybe you should just call a priest to come and perform an exorcism.

Whose house are you haunting tonight?

Ok, here's the Halloween costume:
















In case you're wondering what the hell I'm supposed to be, I'm Eli Cash from The Royal Tenenbaums:

















And if you're wondering about the make-up, it comes from the scene at the end where he's on the way to Etheline's wedding, he's high, and he crashes his car into the mailbox.

Here's a closer look:
















I swore that I wasn't going to wear make-up, because the last time I did it ruined my opportunities for kissing throughout the night, but once my friend, A-Pizzle, gave me the costume idea, it was just too good to pass up. Luckily (?) there wasn't anyone who wanted to this year.

They could not take your pride

Last night I went shopping for my Halloween costume. You might think it's a little late in the game for that, but you have no idea, I didn't even come up with a costume until yesterday afternoon. The costume idea is AWESOME (at least I think so). Unfortunately, I don't have enough time to do it right, so I just have to make do with what I can get on short notice.

I had to go to the Goodwill Superstore near my house to see if I could find some of the most critical parts, and while I was there I had to call my friend so that he could look up some details for me. I want to get this right. He was able to tell me what I needed, and then another friend of mine called (yes, I was that guy, you know, the one who walks around the thrift store talking on his cell phone the entire time). I was excited to tell him about my costume, and told him where I was trying to find the different pieces to it.

Me: I'm at the Goodwill Store.
Him: I bet that smells good.
Me: I know. I hate coming into places like this because they always stink. I may be poor, but at least I bathe.

See?! I'm not the only one in the world who associates thrift stores with the poor people smell.

Anyway, I wasn't able to get the exact costume, but as my first friend pointed out "If you and I don't remember the details of this, nobody else is going to be able to either."

My second friend pointed out that in order to get it completely right I'd probably have to go to some specialty store. But I don't want to spend a lot of money, nor do I have any more time, so I'll just stick with what I got last night.

What's the costume you ask? You'll just have to wait and see. Depending on how well it turns out I may post pictures.