In case you missed it, Conan O'Brien is a genius.
Showing posts with label comedians. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comedians. Show all posts
Saturday, April 02, 2011
Saturday, March 05, 2011
The girl said yeah, smiled, and he smiled back
Check out this amazing take on being divorced from season one of Louie C.K.'s TV series "Louie." I couldn't have said it better myself*.
It's not fun to be single at 41. I was married for ten years. I'm divorced, I've got two children. It's hard to start again after a marriage. It's hard to really, like, look at somebody and go "Hey, maybe something nice will happen."
You just don't.
I know too much about life to have any optimism because I know even if it's nice it's going to lead to shit. I know that if you smile at somebody and they smile back, you've just decided that something shitty is going to happen.
You might have a nice couple of dates, but then she'll stop calling you back and that'll feel shitty.
Or, you'll date for a long time and then she'll have sex with one of your friends, or you will with one of hers, and that'll be shitty.
Or, you'll get married and it won't work out, and you'll get divorced and split your friends and money, and that's horrible.
Or, you'll meet the perfect person who you love infinitely, and you even argue well, and you grow together, and you have children, and then you get old together. And then she's gonna' die.
That's the best case scenario is that you're gonna' lose your best friend.
*Really, I couldn't. If I could, I'd be a successful comedian living in New York.
It's not fun to be single at 41. I was married for ten years. I'm divorced, I've got two children. It's hard to start again after a marriage. It's hard to really, like, look at somebody and go "Hey, maybe something nice will happen."
You just don't.
I know too much about life to have any optimism because I know even if it's nice it's going to lead to shit. I know that if you smile at somebody and they smile back, you've just decided that something shitty is going to happen.
You might have a nice couple of dates, but then she'll stop calling you back and that'll feel shitty.
Or, you'll date for a long time and then she'll have sex with one of your friends, or you will with one of hers, and that'll be shitty.
Or, you'll get married and it won't work out, and you'll get divorced and split your friends and money, and that's horrible.
Or, you'll meet the perfect person who you love infinitely, and you even argue well, and you grow together, and you have children, and then you get old together. And then she's gonna' die.
That's the best case scenario is that you're gonna' lose your best friend.
*Really, I couldn't. If I could, I'd be a successful comedian living in New York.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Friday, January 04, 2008
If I press my breasts together and arch my back just so, I can ask for pretty things and they will not say no
A few nights ago I went to hang out with a few friends. One of them brought along a girl who I'd never met before. Luckily, she turned out to be cool as demonstrated by the following conversation:
Friend: You've got some glitter on your face.
Girl: I do? How did that happen?
Friend: I don't know. Have you been hanging out with any strippers lately?
Me: I think she got it from motorboating a stripper.
Girl: I don't think strippers have glitter between their breasts.
Me: Are you kidding? I'm pretty sure that strippers have glitter everywhere.
Friend: It's true! Everyone knows that! There's even glitter in a stripper's duodenum.
(You know you're in a room full of biology geeks when that joke has everyone falling out of their chairs.)
I've got to say, when it comes to glitter, it looks as though Demetri Martin was right (watch until the end):
Friend: You've got some glitter on your face.
Girl: I do? How did that happen?
Friend: I don't know. Have you been hanging out with any strippers lately?
Me: I think she got it from motorboating a stripper.
Girl: I don't think strippers have glitter between their breasts.
Me: Are you kidding? I'm pretty sure that strippers have glitter everywhere.
Friend: It's true! Everyone knows that! There's even glitter in a stripper's duodenum.
(You know you're in a room full of biology geeks when that joke has everyone falling out of their chairs.)
I've got to say, when it comes to glitter, it looks as though Demetri Martin was right (watch until the end):
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