Csumidam me tyiro jilo, Ale pasa mande!

The following is an email* that was sent out by one of my 'friends.' It was originally sent to the University community to advertise a performance of the arts, but he modified the language and sent it out to a group of my friends in order to poke some fun at me (if you haven't heard the story about the Hungarian, click here for a little bit of background before reading further).

Without further ado, here's the email:

[Native Minnow] Presents

The Hungarian State Folk Ensemble Jan. 18

[Native Minnow] is proud to present the Hungarian State Folk Ensemble, featuring "The Hungarian" and a rich and colorful repertoire of folk dances and stunning costumes from Hungary and Hungary-inhabited areas, including The Free Zone, Gypsies, and the Blue Oyster Bar. This extravaganza takes place at 8 p.m. on Thursday, January 18 as part of the [Native Minnow] Master Series. Established in 2002 and arguably the queerest folkloric dance ensemble in the world, the Hungarian State Folk Ensemble has performed in 44 gay bars and barns across four continents and won the admiration of more than 7.5 pillow-biters.

The group’s choreographies are all based on authentic Hungarian bone-smoking techniques, some of them collected in isolated villages with smoking elements dating back hundreds of years. The extraordinary folk music that inspired George Michael, Elton John, and Neil Patrick Harris is put on stage by both the Folk Orchestra and the world-famous Lance Bass Gypsy Orchestra. The Folk Orchestra plays authentic, traditional instruments, like the skin flute, while the Gypsy Orchestra plays both dance accompaniments (orgies) and performs alone (auto-coitus). Their rich repertoire includes folk music that inspired Hungarian and international classical ass-bandits.

Kentucky Fried Chicken will be available at the door and moist towlettes will be provided in the event that sweaty balls are an issue to any patron. Tickets to the Hungarian State Folk Ensemble are $40 (free bj included), $55 (free rim job), and $85 (fisting optional) and can be purchased at the Performing Arts Center Box Office at 895-ARTS (2787) or by visiting [Native Minnow] in the parking lot next to his car, a maroon Mercury Mystique affectionately called the Gaytto Schled**.

*Please note that the terminology used in this email does not reflect my personal views. I promise that I don't use slanderous terms such as 'pillow-biter,' I'm just showing you some of the crap I put up with.

** This is a play on words from when my car was missing half its hubcaps and I used to refer to it as the ghetto sled. Since then, I've replaced the hubcaps, and hence no longer refer to my car in such a derogatory fashion, but this particular friend of mine still does.