[When we last saw our hero, he was being told that he shouldn't think about things such as suicide note etiquette - If you don't want to be bored to death, stop reading now]
The truth is, I have suicidal thoughts a lot. I'm not saying this as a cry for help, or because I want any sympathy, it's just a simple statement of fact, a part of who I am. I go through periods where I think about suicide several times a day. In fact, last week I was having them once or twice an hour the entire time I was awake, for the entire week. That's the worst it's been for a while, but even during my good periods I rarely make it an entire week without it crossing my mind.
Usually, the thoughts are just a flicker in the back of my mind about what it would feel like to do something so drastic, or how much of a mess it would leave and what it would look like. But that's it. Just a flicker, then they're gone. The only time I seriously entertained the idea was a few weeks after my ex-wife and I separated. It was a particularly rough time for me and I just wanted it to end.
Instead I went and got help.
I've been this way for almost as long as I can remember, or at least since fifth grade. I remember climbing the big tree in front of our house and thinking about what it would be like to dive headfirst onto the driveway. I concluded that it wouldn't feel very good. I'm guessing that it's not normal for a child to think about things like that, but I'm not really qualified to say what is normal and what isn't. All I know is what's normal for me, and having suicidal thoughts seems to fit that category. The odd thing is, for all the complaining I do, there's nothing about my life that's really all that bad. I had no reason to feel that way as a child, and I don't have any reason to feel that way now. I just do.
I debated for a long time whether I should write about this or not. Eventually I decided that I should. I see enough weird stuff that people type into Google that directs them to this blog, and maybe this could be something that allows someone to see that it's ok to have such thoughts. Just because you have them doesn't mean you have to act on them. No matter how dark things seem, they'll always get better. Always. It breaks my heart every time I go to Post Secret and see a card that says something along the lines of "By the time you get this card, I'll no longer be alive." I just wish I could reach out to those people and help them somehow. Make them see that things will get better. Just like my family and friends did for me when I was at my worst.
7 comments:
Good Blog, D. I think those thoughts are more common than you think and THATS the big secret no one shares.
I used to frequently think about cutting my wrists. I would stare at them, and imagine what it would be like. I know I never would (I think because of the pain and the instant regret I was afraid I would feel). But its weird, how those thoughts were almost comforting. Like no matter how bad it was, I knew there was a way out...and knowing that was calming....
When I was in 8th grade, a friend of mine a year below me hung himself. No one ever knew why; Demetrius was well-loved, popular, smart, funny. On his way to the bathroom where he did it, he passed his brother (who was on the phone and folding laundry) a note, which his brother didn't look at right away. A few minutes later, he found D dead. All the note said was he couldn't take it anymore. Whats so bad for a 11 year old that would make him do that? I've always wondered.
I've always wondered what it would be like to jump off a building. I don't think it's not natural to think that. Nor is it unnatural to wonder about how it would feel like to slash a sharp blade across my skin. I don't think they flicker in and out like yours do, but I know I'm too much of a pussy to actually do those things. So I don't, and they stay in the back of my mind. But I still wonder.
On a lighter note: "bored to death"...heh, no pun intended.
And what if you tried to kill yourself and didn't succeed. Just messed yourself up royally instead. How much more of a failure could you be than that?
That was a very insightful post.
I'm not too sure how many people entertain the thought of killing themselves. I have thought about it on numerous occassions, and came very close to making one of thoughts reality.
Later in life, with some serious introspection, I realized that even though I didn't have the nerve to kill myself rapidly ie: gunshot, jump infront of a car etc... my entire middle life was all about killing myself slowly. I'm not sure which was worse?
I'm very aware of how I lived my younger years and I cringe when I think about it. I'm terrified of having children for the simple reason that I'm afraid they will have the same thoughts and tendencies that I did.
I applaud those that have the inner strength to not only isolate the problem - but come to terms with it, or even better - irradicate it completely.
Post secerets is a site I rarely visit because I will always stumble across something that brings back the issues that I have already dealt with, or am dealing with right now. It is a very emotional site for me.
Thank you for writing about that. More than likely, you just helped someone.
It's just so final. Like you just can't change your mind. And it hurts people, and it may be something that will affect someone elses life so dramatically that they can't function. And it's so final...
Flieswithoutwings, I don't know if you meant it to be funny or serious, but your comment cracked me up.
I can just hear the schoolyard bully type of taunting one might receive, "You suck so much that you couldn't kill yourself right."
Phil Hendrie had a radio show about a father who was talking about how his daughter was such a screw-up that she couldn't even commit suicide properly. He talked about how she tried to cut her wrists with a ruler, tried to hang herself and the rope broke, etc. etc. etc. It was hilarious. and then all the people called in enraged, though not realizing that Phil Hendrie was doing both voices. That one was a classic.
Post a Comment