It should come as no surprise that I'm a procrastinator. Yesterday when I was putting off going to the lab to do some work I came across an article on MSN that listed things you should never do in front of a woman. I was curious to see how many of those things I did so I clicked the link. You'll be happy to know that there was only one thing on the list that I do (forget to carry cash). However, don't be fooled into thinking that was because I know what I'm doing when it comes to women. Rather, it's because the list was full of incredibly stupid things.
I read the list and thought, "Are you serious? You're telling me I shouldn't polish my high school trophies (that are still on display), or play Wii, or go on and on about how my mother is my best friend? Really? Thanks MSN. You've been so helpful!"
Then it occurred to me that while everything that was listed should have been common sense, there might be guys out there who don't realize any of that stuff could (and should) send a girl running. Sure, those guys are complete idiots, but complete idiots need love too. So, to help the complete idiots out, I've come up with my own list of things you should never do in front of a woman. The things on this list should be common sense as well, but you never know.
Native Minnow's dating advice
When you're with a woman* you should never . . .
. . . do jumping jacks.
. . . apply hemorrhoid cream.
. . . shoot heroin.
. . . cook human flesh.
. . . choke a midget.
. . . watch bestiality porn.
. . . shave your balls.
. . . have sex with the neighborhood crack whore.
. . . kick a homeless man.
. . . spit on a retarded person.
. . . expose yourself to a small child.
. . . let the dog (or cat) lick peanut butter off your schlong.
. . . kidnap somebody**.
. . . direct a snuff film.
. . . shit your pants.
I hope the list helps.
*Unless you're married, in which case you no longer need to impress her, so feel free to do any of these.
**Or write a ransom note for someone you've already kidnapped.
13 comments:
Sometimes you're so disgusting that you aren't even funny.
:)
Luckily, this one was still slightly funny.
I take it you know all this because you are learning from past mistakes. That's good Minnow, at least you're learning.....
i say "so disgusting". what are you, seventeen?
I think it is hilarious...I almost choked on my Malt-o-Meal (Chocolate)... :) Dr. Psycho
Wow! Thanks Native Minnow! You've been SO helpful!! ;-)
I need clarification on one point though...When you say not to "have sex with the neighborhood crack whore," what do I do if the woman IS the neightborhood crack whore? Thanks :-)
Also, I think "Anonymous" is a pussy motherfucker. Captain obvious to Anonymous...Captain obvious to Anonymous...this is a work of satire, dipshit. Look it up.
I love you, Native Minnow! Let's get married so we can choke some midgets together! :-)
What?? You mean your mother ISN'T your best friend?
Ahaha! Captain Obvious made me laugh!
Obviously you had NO input from a woman WHATSOEVER.............
first, not disgusting, hilarious!
and you never know, some women are into some of those things, maybe. then, if you are also into those things and you are doing them in front of a woman and she is into it, you will have found the perfect match.
seriously, all of those msn articles are written for idiots, yet i can't HELP but read them. sigh.
The jury is still out on the "shave your balls" comment. Personally, I think it is totally acceptable to shave your balls in front of your gal.
I think that help right there, may get me over the top.... THANKS MINNOW... I am On it... No more midget choking for me....
There's a female version of this, but I'm not going to start listing.
BTW, what's so bad about jumping jacks?
Never mind.
Minnow....
Stop choking your midget....
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