Thursday, December 11, 2008

Handle for your heart, let's go home

Not all people who think they're going to be doctors make it into medical school. You should be grateful for that. I've finished grading my lab final, and have decided to give you a few reasons to feel that way. Here are the correct answers to some of the questions, coupled with some of my students' responses given in the following format: Correct Answer/They Wrote.

I don't know about you, but I'd like for my doctors to know the difference between these two things.

Left Atrium/Right Ventricle
As we all know, we have four chambers in our hearts. Even if you want to give this guy a pass on the left/right part of this, there's a huge difference between an atrium and a ventricle. Let's hope he never becomes an open heart surgeon.

Even worse. Let's hope this guy doesn't become a heart surgeon either.

One's a muscle that separates your abdominal and thoracic cavities. The other is an organ that detoxifies the blood. I can see it now. "We're sorry. We know your father came in for a liver transplant, but we replaced his diaphragm with the new liver instead. His blood might still get cleaned, but he'll never be able to go up an octave while singing again."

Another hypothetical conversation: "You're going to have to go on dialysis. You have a ruptured spleen. Let's get that sucker out of there since you only need one to survive anyway. What's that? You only have one to start with? Well I'll be doggoned. Glad you said something."

Pharynx/Ventral Nerve Cord
Let's just hope that he doesn't become a neurosurgeon.

Vagina/Bulbourethral Gland
Since the first is found in females, and the second is found in males, I can only assume that this guy is gay.

Cervix/Digestive Gland
When your gynecologist starts fiddling around with your digestive gland (which you don't have* because you're not a crayfish, grasshopper or starfish) it might be time to worry.

Ovary/Vas Deferens
When you're a female and your doctor tries to give you a vasectomy, it also might be cause for concern.

Granted, most of these were from a fetal pig dissection, and not a human (we don't have enough hookers and vagrants around campus to start doing that - at least not without someone noticing), but the anatomies are very similar, and if you're that far off now, I'm glad to do my part to keep you out of med school. The rest of you can thank me later. By sending Christmas presents.

*Ok, you do have some, but they have other names. Like Pancreas.


Boxer said...

What do they become instead?

Dentists? Chriopractors?

2 Dollar Productions said...

I think the heart/intestine one concerns me the most. I think.

tired said...

It is true--they become the students for whom med school "didn't work out". Then they show up in other classes planning to go to pharmacy or dental school.......

Epitome of Sweetness said...

You'd think that if you wanted to be a Dr you would study.
You'd think.

AnoMALIE said...

oh man... I can already imagine how it was to grade my crap back in the day. I think I may have done mistakes like that a good couple of times (in my defense, the pig I dissected didn't help for s*#%. The only thing I know how to do accurately is point out the heart in a crayfish).

P.S. You'd think a lot of those dumbasses wouldn't make it into med school... but... there are ways... and that is absolutely terrifying.

Dee Ice Hole said...

When I did vertibrate zoology I took the brain and spinal column out of the fetal pig intact (it took me several days of fooling around with it). The professor used it for the final and pinned all the nerves and lobes for the test. The first student through on the final tipped the pan onto the floor splattering the display all over the floor. The entire class thanked him for his intentional awkward movement.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon---but couldn't pass calculas.

Romany Angel said...

Thanks for your part in saving us from a fate worse than death Minnow. Did you laugh when you graded them or start shaking in fear that this is the medical future of your country?