Today at lunch a group of people left a huge mess on the table next to us. All but one of them left the restaurant, and the girl working the counter had to come out and clean up the mess. As she did so, one member of the group came back inside.
Guy (in the most pretentious voice you can imagine): Ma'am, I would like to apologize for the mess, but I'd also like you to know that I wasn't the only one that left it. Those other people I was with, they fled the scene, but they were guilty. I just wanted to record to show that I was not solely responsible for the mess you're having to clean up. I'd also like to apologize for leaving my bag right here in your way [he reaches down near her feet, picks up a computer bag and almost knocks her over with it], let me get that. Again, I apologize for the mess. Even though it wasn't me.
During his monologue, I got up to grab some more napkins, then sat back down at our table.
My Friend: Oh. I was kind of hoping you were getting up to go punch that guy in the face.
Me: I was kind of hoping that too.