You're a superstar, at the gay bar

The other day I was in the lab working when one of the undergraduate researchers came in to do some bench work. He set up his laptop, and started playing music from his itunes library. Most of it was show tunes.

I texted a friend about it, lamenting the fact that I'd forgotten to bring in my iPod that day.

My friend texted this back: Punch him in his gay little ball sack - noone should have to put up with that shit.

He's right. But luckily for that undergraduate, he'd finished his work and left by the time I'd received my instructions.

Fuel burning fast on an empty tank

Last time I filled my car with gas, the pump didn't shut off automatically and I ended up overfilling my tank. There was a small puddle underneath my car that reminded me of a story from when I was an undergraduate and spent my Saturdays working at a gas station.

One particular Saturday, my boss' son was having a bad day. It had been one customer after another complaining about this or that. He was a little frazzled. Then one woman came in demanding that we refund her for a gallon of gas. The pump hadn't shut off, and "at least a gallon" had spilled all over the bay.

Normally, he would've just reached in the register and handed her the two dollars. Instead, he said, "Let's go out and have a look."

There was a small puddle of gas, but it was maybe $0.25 worth at the most. He told her that, but she kept insisting that it was much more.

Finally he snapped. He said, "Look Lady, you want to see what a gallon of gas looks like? THIS is what a gallon of gas looks like!"

He then proceeded to pump an entire gallon onto the concrete.

It's probably my favorite* gas station story ever.









*Narrowly edging out the time that I called a customer a butthole, he tried to get me fired for "cursing" at him, then my boss called him worse.

Some have to fight, forced onto sides, heroes will rise

Today at lunch a group of people left a huge mess on the table next to us. All but one of them left the restaurant, and the girl working the counter had to come out and clean up the mess. As she did so, one member of the group came back inside.

Guy (in the most pretentious voice you can imagine): Ma'am, I would like to apologize for the mess, but I'd also like you to know that I wasn't the only one that left it. Those other people I was with, they fled the scene, but they were guilty. I just wanted to record to show that I was not solely responsible for the mess you're having to clean up. I'd also like to apologize for leaving my bag right here in your way [he reaches down near her feet, picks up a computer bag and almost knocks her over with it], let me get that. Again, I apologize for the mess. Even though it wasn't me.

During his monologue, I got up to grab some more napkins, then sat back down at our table.

My Friend: Oh. I was kind of hoping you were getting up to go punch that guy in the face.

Me: I was kind of hoping that too.

And if you see Johnny football hero in the hall, tell him he played a great game

While driving to Salt Lake City on Saturday I talked to Epitome-of-Sweetness on the phone. She asked who I wanted to win the Superbowl and said she was rooting for the Cardinals. I said I didn't really care who won. I don't like either team, but when it all comes down to it, I'd rather see the team who hasn't had a lot of success through the years. That tipped the scale in favor of the Cardinals*.

She said she wanted the Cardinals to win because she really liked Kurt Warner.

I said he'd be a reason for me to want the Cardinals to lose.

She was shocked. How could I not like a guy who has done so many good things? After all, he married a woman who had disabled kids. He used to bag groceries. He does charity work for disabled kids. You've heard all the stories. That's exactly why I'm sick of him. I don't care if he helps raise money to help disabled kids. He does it for self-serving reasons. Do you think he'd be actively doing that if he didn't have disabled kids of his own? I doubt it. I hate hearing about him. I especially hate hearing from him. Did you know that God helped Kurt and his team beat the Eagles in the NFC championship game? It's true! Kurt Warner said so.

I hate hearing athletes talk about God. I have news for them. You play a game. For a living. You get paid more than anybody probably should be paid to play a game. I get that. I'd do the same thing if I had the ability, but still, it's a game. God doesn't care whether you win or lose. In fact, if I had to wager on it, God would probably be pissed off that you play it on Sundays. That's not exactly keeping the Sabbath day holy as He commanded in The Bible, is it Mr. Warner?

What does God do when there are people who believe in him on both teams? Does He push the most faithful team to victory? Oh, that's right. He doesn't do anything. The outcome depends on talent, making good plays, and catching a few lucky bounces throughout the game. To presume otherwise is sheer arrogance. We won because God likes us better? The following quote by Jeff Stilson comes to mind:

" I'm trying to wean myself off sports, it's too time consuming. I don't watch football anymore, I gave that up. I got tired of the interviews after the games, because the winning players always give credit to God, and the losers blame themselves. You know, just once I'd like to hear a player say, 'Yeah, we were in the game—until Jesus made me fumble. He hates our team.'"

It's the same type of thinking for people who survive a tragedy to believe they're meant to do something special in life because God spared them. So isn't that about the same as saying that the people who died did because they were somehow unworthy? Seems that way to me. People need to get over themselves.

Epitome-of-Sweetness seemed taken aback by my rant. She said that maybe I was the Anti-Christ. She said that at her old job people always said that about her, but she was thinking it applied more to me. Then she gave me a quote that I'll adopt as my own personal slogan: I'm not anti-Christ, I'm just anti-stupid-people.









*It wasn't meant to be. Maybe God doesn't like Kurt Warner as much as Kurt Warner would like to think. The end of the game was fairly entertaining, which is about all I'd hoped for.

And on the cold wet dirt I cry

How long have I been limping around? Three months? Has it been that long already? Really? Then why do I still have people who come up to me and say, "What did you do?"

It's been three fucking months people. You see me several times a week. The next person to ask what I did is going to get a swift kick in the nuts.

Well, assuming that I can actually pull off a swift kick without falling into a crumpled heap of patheticness.

And assuming that the offending party is male and actually has nuts for me to kick swiftly.

Oh Santa, I've been killing just for fun

I know it's the holidays, and I'm supposed to be filled with the Christmas spirit and all, but this year it's just not happening for me*.


To the girl at the soda machine at Chipotle:

GET YOUR DRINK FIRST, THEN YOU CAN RESPOND TO YOUR TEXT MESSAGES. YOU'RE HOLDING UP THE LINE. WHATEVER IT IS, IT'S NOT THAT IMPORTANT OR ELSE IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SENT IN A TEXT IN THE FIRST PLACE. IT CAN WAIT A FEW MORE SECONDS.

To the really nice blonde girl:

NOBODY IS AS NICE AND BUBBLY AS YOU. KNOCK IT OFF, IT'S CREEPY AND WEIRD!

To the kid who got me a drink of water and then said that in return I owed him a Christmas present:

I WAS THINKING ABOUT GETTING YOU SOMETHING, UNTIL YOU SAID THAT. SERIOUSLY, WHO ASKS EVERYBODY THEY KNOW FOR A CHRISTMAS PRESENT? (Yes, I heard about you calling another friend of mine and asking her if she was going to buy you one too.) YOU'RE A GREEDY BASTARD.

To the guy who kept talking to the screen at the movie theater:

IT'S A DAMN MOVIE! THE ACTORS CAN'T HEAR YOU. THE AUDIENCE DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR YOU. WE KNOW SHE'S A COLD BITCH. WE JUST SAW HER DO THE SAME THING ON SCREEN THAT YOU DID. WE DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL US. WE'RE NOT RETARDED, WE GET IT. SHUT UP!!!



MERRY FREAKING CHRISTMAS!








*As opposed to my five year old who is full of Christmas spirit. He's been asking everyone he knows for their spare change so that he can buy coats for kids that don't have them. So far he's collected about $70.

Say somebody got to say it all

Since I'm trying to take it easy in order to let my back heal, I've been wasting an inordinate amount of time online. So, I'm going to post more often than I normally do this weekend. Besides, that should give anyone who's coming over from Anonymous Boxer's party fresh material to read, so the timing is good for that anyway. (By the way, welcome, and Happy Holidays!)

The other day my sister wrote on her blog about how she doesn't understand people who feel the need to talk about every minute detail of their mundane lives.

Here's the comment I left her:

Today I went to the doctor. When I got there I checked in by signing my name on the list. Then I went and sat down. A few minutes later they called me to fill out some paperwork. I filled it all out. They told me to go sit back down, so I did. Then, a few minutes later, they called me back over to have me sign some things. I signed them and then they told me to go sit back down. I went and sat back down. I looked at a couple of papers while I was sitting there, and then the nurse called my name so I stood up. I couldn't stand up real fast though, because my back hurt, so I stood up kind of slowly. I followed the nurse down the hall. She was walking pretty fast, so it was hard to follow her because I had to walk so slow. She realized that she was walking too fast, so she slowed down and apologized. She said she wasn't used to working with people who had back injuries. I told her it was ok. She took me into a room and had me change into a gown. I changed into the gown. The nurse came back to my room after I changed into the gown, and she took me down the hall to get some x-rays. The x-ray technician took four x-rays of my back. Then he led me back down the hall to my room. He was walking too fast, so I couldn't keep up. Once he realized he was walking too fast he apologized. I told him it was ok. He took me to my room and I waited for the doctor there. A little while later the doctor came in. He did some strength tests on my leg and foot. Some of them were hard and some of them weren't. He remembered me from the last time when I had surgery. It was the same doctor that did my surgery last time. I was surprised he remembered me. I told him that I was surprised he remembered me. He said that not very many of his patients are biology students, so it was easy for him to remember me. I was still surprised that he remembered me though. He showed me some images from my MRI. He said it was a different injury than the last one I had, but that it was in the same place. He doesn't think that I should do surgery right away. He said that sometimes, when the disks are bulging straight out like mine are, they can heal themselves sometimes. He wants to see if we can do a steroid injection to see if my disks will heal themselves. If they don't I'll have to do surgery, but if they do, I won't. I hope they won't. I don't know exactly what the injections entail, but I can ask that doctor when I see him. Oh yeah, the doctor I saw today referred me to a different doctor who can do the steroid injection. After we were done, he said that he'd like to see me again in two weeks. I set up an appointment to see him in two weeks. I'll probably see him in two weeks.

I crack myself up!

Who says don't look back? Don't believe 'em.

Sometimes I like to do things to people just to see what their reactions will be. I used to do it a lot more often than I do now. I'm not sure if that's because I'm finally starting to grow up a little, or if it's because I'm surrounded by people who I suspect would retaliate in nasty ways. I suspect it's the latter.

A few years ago when I was working on my master's degree my friends in the lab and I would do things to annoy each other just for shits and giggles. However, one time I crossed a line and it still comes back to haunt me to this day.

You see, there was a guy in our lab who tended to annoy everyone. It wasn't anything specific, just his overall personality and existence. He had a picture on his desk that he held near and dear to his heart. It was of him holding a fish that he'd caught. One day I decided that I would put it in a frame on my friend's desk:

Needless to say, my friend was not amused. Especially considering the fact that I had to remove the picture of his two daughters from the frame. The next time I came to the lab, the photo was taped to my wall, so I took it down and put it back in the frame on my friend's desk. The cycle continued another two or three times until my friend decided it had been enough. After that I came in and found the picture glued to my binder with copious amounts of rubber cement. There was no way I was getting it off, so there it stayed.

Occasionally I'll need to go through old notes to brush up on topics that I haven't thought of in a while. When I do I am reminded of my shame:

Now I'm big and important, one angry dwarf and 200 solemn faces of you

I have a friend who shares my exact taste in movies and music. Nary a conversation between the two of us ends without at least some discussion of a new CD to pick up, or a movie that the other should go see (if they haven't already). And yes, I said nary.

The last time I talked to him I asked if he had seen Eragon yet. Of course, nobody should have seen Eragon yet, unless it was to make fun of (or beat up) fantasy nerds, but I digress. (Speaking of digressing, I urge you all to click here and read Eric D. Snider's review of the movie, if only for the opening sentence. Go on, I'll wait). Not surprisingly, he hadn't seen it. After all, he likes the same movies I do, and I only like good movies. Plus, he's not really into beating up fantasy nerds (he will make fun of them though - like you wouldn't believe). However, he pointed out that a guy we did our master's degrees with probably had.

Now, I'm not really one to make fun of people. Ok, that's a lie. But few have made it easier to do than this guy did. He was comic book guy, minus the goatee and ponytail. This guy was nearly 30 (if not already-I forget), and spent his adult life living alone and strengthening his D&D character (he even had a nice fantasy sounding name which I'd give to you, but I googled it last night and apparently he's still going strong).

When the first installment of The Lord of the Rings came out in theaters I asked him if he was going to dress up like Gandalf and camp for tickets.

His response? "I couldn't go as Gandalf, I don't have the outfit. I could go as Strider though."

He was serious. He even owned a sword.

Curiously, he never learned the lesson of always logging yourself out of things when using a shared computer. One time I offended his girlfriend by pretending to be him when he left his IM account open, but the best thing was when he left his email account open on one of the lab computers.

He may as well have put a bow and a tag that read 'To: Native Minnow, enjoy.'

It was springtime, the semester was about to end, and students would be getting a little break before the summer terms began. Since all this guy could talk about was playing these fantasy games, and how strong his alter-ego was, I decided to go through his contacts list and send an email to a few other grad students inviting them to join the next game. With the help of two of my friends, I composed four emails and sent them out. I only remember one of them well enough to reproduce it here, but it's enough to get the point across. It went something like this:

[Fellow Grad Student],

Some of my friends and I are going to be starting a new game later this Spring and are looking for a few new players to join us. Specifically, we were wondering if you would be interested in playing a left handed axe wielding dwarf. Let me know, it should be a lot of fun.

[Comic Book Guy's look-alike]

Each email had a different character that was very much 'Lord of the Rings' themed. They were something like an evil sorcerer, an arrow shooting good elf with magic powers, and a mercenary swordsman on horseback.

I figured that each of the four recipients would realize what had happened and know it was a joke. Imagine what he thought when two of them politely declined in an actual response.

Box Full of Letters - 4

To the guy who passed me in the canyon the other night:

Please take that fucking spoiler off your Ford F-150. Those are only meant for sports cars, not big trucks. Besides, this isn't the fast and the furious, you don't have to Tokyo Drift your way through the curves. I hate people like you.

Love,
Native Minnow

I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control

The other day when I was talking about The Most Annoying Human Being on the Planet, I was tempted to include a statement saying that he was so annoying that it wouldn't bother me if he died, but then I remembered what happened to the last person I said that about.

(I really want to just start talking about something else right now, just so that you're all left wondering what happened to the last person, but I guess I'll just finish the story instead. See how nice I am?)

There are several people around here who would give The Most Annoying Human Being on the Planet a run for his money, and one day (a long time ago) one of the runners up had done something to piss me off. Let's just say that it started out with him acting like he was gay, and ended with him kissing me on the head. Unless you actually know this person, you don't know how disgusting that really was, and how furious it made me.

Anyway, several months after that incident I was having a conversation with someone, and it came up that I wasn't too fond of this particular runner up. They asked me if I really disliked this person that much, and I believe I said something along the lines of, "I want him dead."

The person I was talking to thought that was a bit harsh, and looking back, perhaps it was, but I said it.

A few months after that conversation, the runner up was in a very horrible car accident, had to be life flighted, spent several weeks in an Intensive Care Unit, and still hasn't completely recovered nearly 6 months later.

You're probably thinking that the moral to this story is that you should be careful about what you say, because you might feel bad about it later, right?

Wrong!

The real moral to this story? Don't fuck with me, lest I be forced to use my powers on you.

No, no, no she don't think straight

For some reason I was reminded of this story yesterday, and since I have nothing else to say I'll relate it to you now for your reading pleasure.

Most semesters I have assistants who sign up to help me teach in exchange for college credit, and the hopes of getting a letter of recommendation when it comes time for them to apply for medical/dental/graduate school. About a year ago I had assistants for every section I taught, which is usually a very good thing. It saves me a lot of time from grading quizzes and such, but during this semester I had a guy who really got on my nerves. We'll go ahead and call him The Most Annoying Human Being on the Planet.

As if it wasn't bad enough that I had to deal with The Most Annoying Human Being on the Planet once a week, he was constantly bothering me to help me out with my research, all with the intent of being able to say he had research experience so that he could get into medical school (not that he has a chance in hell of that happening) and not because he's interested in doing research. I kept telling him that I didn't have anything for him to do, I even flat out told him that I would not be hiring him to help me under any circumstances, but it didn't stop him from asking. The truth is, I'd put more faith in a monkey to get my work done right than I would with this guy. In addition to all of this, he had a monster crush on one of the girls who had signed up to assist me in a different section, but she was too nice to tell him to bugger off (She's not British, I just wanted to use that phrase).

One of the responsibilities of these assistants is that they have to pick a day that they are going to cover the lecture, so she wanted to come to one of my earlier labs on the day she was supposed to teach so that she could get a feel for how to structure her presentation. It just so happened that she could only make it to the section where The Most Annoying Human Being on the Planet was going to be at, but she decided just to grit her teeth and make it through it just so she wouldn't feel so unprepared when it was her turn.

When she showed up that morning, The Most Annoying Human Being on the Planet and I were setting up for that day's lab, and she sat down and talked to us while we did. After sitting there for a few minutes she looked at me and said, "You really smell nice today. What are you wearing?" The problem was that I wasn't wearing anything, it was The Most Annoying Human Being on the Planet's cologne that she liked, and he began beaming with pride that she liked the way he smelled. She was mortified because she figured that had only fueled his crush on her, and she was probably right.

So of course, I had to make fun of her for the rest of the semester for coming on to The Most Annoying Human Being on the Planet. I even told a few of her friends about it so that they could tease her as well. In fact, as soon as I thought of the story yesterday I sent her an email about it, even though it's the first contact we've had in five or six months. I'm such a jerk.

Everybody knows that world is full of stupid people so meet me at the mission at midnight we'll settle up then

If I see another commercial that says something along the lines of "because what goes on the belly isn't what's important, but what goes in the belly is," implying that you should care more about what your (young) kids eat than what they want to wear, and that commercial is for McDonald's, I'm going to gouge my eyes out with an ice cream scoop.

Let's get this straight, McDonald's is NOT health food. Everyone knows that. I don't care if you can get milk and apple chips instead of french fries and soda with a happy meal, the happy meal itself is still not healthy! If you want to feed your kids fast food that's fine, just don't try and tell me that you're feeding them a healthy diet if you do.

The thing that irritates me is that McDonald's is trying to give the impression that they are a healthy place to eat. Even after Super Size Me (actually, it's probably because of Super Size Me). Even worse than that is there are people who are stupid enough to see that commercial and buy into it.

Hypothetical Stupid Person: "Hey look at that, McDonald's is healthy and if I really cared about my kids I would feed them lunch there every day."

Me: "That's not true, you're just stupid."

If you're that stupid, you probably shouldn't be reproducing. Unfortunately, most of the people who are reproducing shouldn't be.

Man I hate stupid people.

(I will now go get a vasectomy)

We thought that our dreadfulness might be a thing to annoy you with

Have you ever wondered what other people think about you? Whether or not you annoy them so bad that they frequently talk about you behind your back? If so, today is your lucky day because I've compiled a list of things that you can use as a guide to see if you are indeed that annoying person whom everyone else hates.

• Does the decision of someone else to meet up with a group of people depend on whether or not you'll be present?
• Are you constantly talking about how great it was where you originally come from, and how everything else sucks in comparison?
• Do you pout if you're not constantly at the center of attention in a group of people, or do you always try to bring the focus of attention to yourself?
• Does your significant other's friends stop hanging out with them simply because they don't want to be around you? (please note that this is significantly different from when your significant other doesn't hang out with friends because that would take away from quality time spent with you).
• Have you ever gotten drunk enough at a party that you felt compelled to kiss somebody against their will, even though that person is the same sex as you?
• Have any of your coworkers ever had to leave their office simply because your presence in the next room is too much for them to bear?
• Has anyone ever told their significant other to stop doing something simply because it reminds them of you?
• Can you single handedly change the normal routine of an entire group of individuals, causing them to stop frequenting their normal hang-out spots and start going to a new one so they can avoid you?
• Do you have to bring every conversation around to the one topic that you're able to speak somewhat intelligently about, even if nobody else cares and it's not the time or place to be having such a discussion?
• Have you ever invited a group of people to join you for a meal at a restaurant, and then stuck one of them with the bill (not even paying for your own portion)?
• Do your coworkers often put on headphones and start listening to music every time you're around?
• Do your coworkers sometimes put in their earbuds, even if they aren't listening to music, just so that you will think they are and leave them undisturbed?
• Has anybody ever felt the need to handcuff you to a chair at a party, just to stop you from harrassing everyone else?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then you are an annoying person and should take corrective measures immediately.

If you answered yes to more than one of these questions, then you are really annoying, and you're probably beyond help. If this is the case, you should do us all a favor and fill your mouth up with water, then take a gun . . .

They're just pets

Today as I was walking to grab a bite to eat I saw a woman pulling a stroller out of the trunk of her car. Since I grew up in Utah, this is not an uncommon thing to see. What was uncommon, was that after she unfolded the stroller, she put her poodle in it and started pushing. It got me thinking about how ridiculous some people are when it comes to their pets. Here are a few more examples:

A few months ago I saw a woman I work with, and she did not look happy. I asked her if there was anything wrong and she told me that her cat had died a week prior. I can understand being attached to a pet that you've had around for a while, but it shouldn't affect your ability to function in your daily life. She burst into tears just telling me about it, and said "My friends all tell me to get over it, that it was just a cat, but cats are better than friends. People will always let you down, but not cats, they're always there for you." It was all I could do to keep from rolling my eyes and saying "Get over it, it was just a cat."

Another guy I know had a dog that should have been put down long before it actually died. He was 14 years old (the dog, not the guy) and had lost the use of his back legs. When he would take him out for walks, the dog would often fall over on its side and start peeing all over himself and anyone else who got in the way. At that point, it's more cruel to keep the dog alive than it is to have it put down, and not doing so is an act of selfishness. When his dog died he couldn't talk to anyone for about a week, even though he had to have seen it coming (we all did).

One girl I know just had to bring her dog in to the office every day because she couldn't just leave it at her apartment. Nevermind the fact that her apartment was approximately 50 steps away from the front door to the office. I use the past tense here only because she would still be doing it if it weren't for a campus wide ban on all animals that weren't aiding the handicapped or police. This ban actually led to a professor in my department cancelling all his classes one day because he couldn't leave his dog home alone for that long.

Now, I've never really had pets that I've become that attached to, partly because my oldest brother was allergic, and having a dog or cat in the house would trigger an asthma attack. We still had pets, they just had to stay outside so they never really became part of the family. But still, all things considered, they're animals, not kids. They don't need to be pushed in strollers. They'll be ok if you leave them alone for a day, if you're worried about it get a doggie door and leave out plenty of food and water, but don't skip work. When they die you can be sad, but not sad enough that you have to take time off work, or can't bring yourself to talk to anyone for a week or two. Some people need to get a grip.

The Lucky One

This weekend I went on a field trip to Death Valley. It paled in comparison to last year when the wildflowers were all over the place, but I got to see more of the park this time (and I certainly learned a lot of geology).

We rode out in two vans, and made stops at places in the park which had features we had talked about in class. I started the trip in the van that the TA was driving because I knew I'd get to ride shotgun, which is a big deal for someone as tall as me. It also happened to be the van with the most familiar faces in it (and by that, I mean people I have actually spoken with this semester). We got through most of the morning just fine, but then my professor started to get dizzy and asked me to drive (since I'm the only grad student in the class I'm the only one authorized to drive a university vehicle). He needed to stay in the 'lead' van to tell me where to go, so the guy who was riding shotgun in his van had to go back and take my place. We kept this arrangement for the rest of the day.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because the guy I traded places with happens to be really annoying. He's one of those guys who is constantly trying to impress people with how much he knows, even when it's obvious that he doesn't know what he's talking about. After he went to bed that night a few of the people in his van approached me.

"Are you going to ride in our van tomorrow? We need to get back to the original teams."
"Do you guys want me to ride in your van?"
"Yes. Please!"
"Ok, I'll tell him he has to trade me places again."
"Is that a promise? Can we get you to shake on that?"

The next morning I talked to the TA about riding with him again, and he said "Yes, hurry and get your ass in my van." Thus we got back to the 'original teams.'

About halfway through the day we all got out and started hiking up a hill so the professor could show us one of his points of interest. Some girls from the professor's van came up to me and said "You have to come back to our van. Please? We'll give you money." I didn't, but the pleading continued at every stop after that until we started heading home.

While I'd like to think it was because I was so cool, I know that any other person would have sufficed. I realize that I was the luckiest one on the trip, because of everyone in the class, I was the one who spent the least amount of time with Mr. Annoying simply because we were never in the same van.

It makes me wonder what exactly it takes for annoying people to start figuring out that they annoy everybody. I think this guy started to realize that something was up, but not enough to actually try to stop being annoying. Maybe it's just too much to ask of some people.