Friend 1: Thank you for all your help this weekend. Would you like for me to make you a sandwich to eat on the road?
Me: Thank you. That'd be great, but you don't have to make it for me. I'll do it myself.
Friend 1: Are you sure?
Me: I'm a big boy. I think I can handle it.
A few minutes later:
Me: That's right, bitches, I'm taking the last of the turkey.
Friend 2: You're such an asshole.
Me: I might be, but at least I'm the asshole who's got the rest of the turkey.