Every breath you take

Tonight I went with a friend to get dinner and watch basketball. He dropped me off at my car when we were finished. As we pulled up I noticed a piece of paper under the windshield wiper.

I said, "That had better not be a flier from somebody. If it is I'm going to be pissed. I hate those things."

My friend asked, "What else would it be?"

"It had better be a note from my stalker."

It was.

Peanut butter jelly time

Friend: I finally got the rest of my home theater set up. I bought some towers to go in front, so I moved those other speakers behind.

Me: That's cool. So now you and your cat can cuddle up and watch a movie together for Valentine's Day.

Friend: Oh, we already celebrated.

Me: Yeah?

Friend: Yeah. I packed my butthole with peanut butter and made my cat lick it out.


Can you believe that? Peanut butter? I mean, doesn't he even care if his cat gets Salmonella?